met up with gina and bonnie last nite...went for a drink..yah again...after wala on thurs...i tot i can go balaclava for another round of unexpected band on fri nite...sadly...it's way too crowded even though we reached as early as 745...sigh...

but it's the company that counts so we went to another place where there is nice couch and less smoke...and there we chat and catch up on all the stuff that have been happening around us...

drank abit too much...have to head home first after our frog-leg porriage at geylang cos they gals wanna go for you tiao still...was having headache then...cant rem myself giving instructions to the cab driver...but gotten home as usual...went for training today with the hang over...still i managed to run 6 rounds =)

was wearing this off shoulder top that i bought from KL... quite like it...was peeling on my back when i wore it last nite but who cares...at nite no one can see...haha...

gals...thanx for the bday gift...really nice...something that i need hee...hope to meet up again...at least before gina's wedding...


wasnt that tipsy yet...


hehe...yah we kiap gina's head in the middle


see the contrast...fair and chao ta...


yah...here...i'm way tipsy already...


another contrast...snow white vs pocahontas


near to sleep mode...

promised to talk about my KL trip...so here it is...lotsa pics...

a no. of booboos happened...firstly... i was denied access to jb cos i didnt change my youthful photo despite two written warning on my passport...damn officer didnt even wanna look at my face...cancelled my access card and tell me to go back singapore change photo...

the gals were so worried...i was rolling my eyes...wat to do...i can only stand there and try to talk my way thru...of cos put on my lovely smiles but then he didnt even look at me...damn...in the end he made me go to another officer...first instinct...look for a younger one...muah haha...it worked...nagged me abit here and there...made me filled up the card again...gave me final warning and ta da...went thru the custom...

second booboos...dear min left her pouch in the taxi on our last nite...with passport, money and hotel key...ur heart can juz stop beating when u know u've lost ur passport...wat to do...have to plan to go down singapore embassy to make necessary arrangement the next day...the walk back from chinatown area to hotel was in total silence cos we're in shock and totally exhausted...

when we stepped into the hotel to report lost of our key...we're soooo darn relive to find that the taxi driver actually sent the pouch back!!! money was gone of cos but passport and key were there...that's all we need actually...wah haha...so exciting eh...haha...

other than these booboos...the trip was fun...we ate and ate and ate...think the weight i've lost came back due to this trip man...didnt buy much stuff...cos nothing interesting there...basically we juz walked around alot...hehe

o celebrated fen's birthday as well...in the hotel...fun..

and did i mention the purpose of this trip is to meet up with this malaysian director who directed the movie 'sepat'...mm some arts film...min's idea cos she won this dvd after watching the movie...and i'm glad we went...cos the director is such a nice person to talk to...her work place is really nice...

will upload more photos of the trip...tentatively juz view these...hehe...

o and dun go suntanning before any travelling...cos it's bloody painful!


start off...waiting for the comforty bus


this hotel rocks...cos it's really vintage...nice nice


art gallery? nah...our hotel


lounge area...nice right...


breakfast...egg...


food...seaching for food


mrt in kl...very very slow....


twin tower...nothing much to see actually


birthday rituals...cake smashing in hotel room


birthday gal...muack...we went thru hell before this celebration


heading home via train...muah haha

wanted to watch dvd...realise i didnt know which channel to turn to...in the end it was the connecting system that i have forgotten to switched on...duh...

ever come to a point where u havent spend enough time at home and felt that u're a total stranger to ur house even the equipment...i had that feeling yesterday...abit dumb eh...

anyway went back to schl to return my long overdued books and to pop by to see my squashies...

sigh...first time ever, i lost my temper...lectured my juniors due to their lack of attitude...and they are guys somemore...whine and whine and whine...

calmed down...was thinking if i have failed as a leader...i tried to get the morale up for my members and club...but with the lack of support from the schl sometimes it's really tough to do so...cos we dun have fundings to get coach for training...we're always being pushed over...contantly have to wait for replies to see if we can get into ivp...little contributions and they wanna get huge results...typical isnt it...

attitude is all it counts...if u dun have the correct mindset to come for training then dun come at all...the worst is to come for training and give me all sorts of excuses not to do them then whine n whine about being tired...who is not tired in the club...my committee gals are...but they've never complained a single bit...

perhaps i havent set good example to them for i havent been around for quite awhile due to clinicals...schl starts and i'll make sure watever i do they do too...

went down to wala after that...was fumming mad till i forgotten to have any dinner...
downed two stella plus nuts with empty stomach and i'm tipsy...shirlyn sang sad songs towards the end...nice...didnt realise how much i miss the band till i heard them...

aint no sunshine when she's gone....i havent heard that from her for a long long time...

going down bala tonite...another round of unexpected...~grin~

model...i swear i'll work out after these rounds of drinking...u watch out on ur diet too...~evil grin~

why am i not asleep at this time when it's suppose to be my hols?
me and my big mouth...
promised my sup i'll give her the translation tomolo...see...argh...have to deliever it by tomolo 12....then after that meeting the guys to go shopping...freaking dead man...shall hide my face under the cap tomolo...

feeling so high now...once again procrastination cost me to suffer big time...was watchin csi and alias the whole day...o man...havent watched alias for so darn long...realised i missed out so much of the storyline...used to 'watch' it with yd...will msg each other whenever it reaches the exciting part or that sidney has new cool outlook for her mission...so fun!!...now we dun have that kinda time to do such thing...busy busy busy...bet yd lost touch with the storyline too...

feeling abit numb at my fingertips...yucks...must have typed too much...

i cant wait for baby augustine to come...already i dreamt of driving him around showing him off to my frens...mm...they said i'm gonna spoil him...hell yes...cos he's mine too..though i have no contribution in him being created...haha....still he's gonna be part of my life! soon!
baby boy...aunt jayna cant wait to see and hold u...touching u on ur mama's tummy doesnt really help...so see you in august! muack!!

woke up at 8 and went back to sleep...yawn...luxury...feels so good to have time for myself...but i wanna get out of my house...messy room and translation work are driving me nuts...

sometimes i think my wilfulness really gets me into deep shit...haha...cant help it..it's like a hidden character in every youngest child...i gave in to my wilfulness and now have to face the consequences...blame who...myself...

game of love... i went in with a clear mind and came out with a woozy one...tot i can be a good player and will play it well...in the end i'm being outplayed by a better one...cant rem when i've decided to give up the control of this game...mb that's why i always ended up being dumped...

finding companionship is easy if happiness, fun and excitment is all that you're looking for...it's always easier to share happiness...i had fun and laughters for the past relationships...but till now i have yet to find one that i can share my sadness with or even go thru the downs with me...frens will know wat kinda shit i've been thru and they're the only ones who guranteed to be there...

6 months is all that happiness can last...which is why my r/s always expire then...i havent found a player who can surpass or stretch this deadline..

sigh...woman is woman afterall...always say one thing but meant the other...me especially...

was checking my hp... realise i've been sending msg to the wrong ppl...so blur...stupid nokia phone...wont happened anymore...always need time to adapt to new phone...urgh...

woohoo...i'm back...it's been fun!!! though there's a no. of booboos happening during the trip...but we survived thru it...will update about that tomolo...

been thinking alot during the journey to and fro...to the extend that i'm too exhausted to carry on and i fell asleep ...i havent done that for a long time...months i think...kinda miss it...

haha...yd thanx for the cd u've burnt...his songs are indeed good...i looooove them! been listening to it for the whole 3 days and havent gotten sick of it! the more i listen, the more sadness i feel....i like that feeling...


Lonelily
by Damien Rice

I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But a lonelily landed my walls (??) in her hands
In a way I felt you were leaving me
I was sure I wouldn't find you at home
And you let me down
Could have knocked off the evening
But you lonelily let him push under your bone
You let me down
It's no use deceiving
Neither of us wanna be alone
You're coming home (x 4)
I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I was lonelily looking for someone to hold
In a way I lost all I believed in
And I never found myself so low
And you let me down
You could've called if you'd needed
But you lonelily got yourself locked instead
And you let me down
It's one thing being cheated
But you took him all the way through your bed
And now you're coming home
And I'm trying to forgive
You're coming home
And I'm trying to forget
You're coming
And I'm trying to move on
You're coming home
And you haven't called yet
You're coming home
And I'm trying to forgive
You're coming home
I'm just trying to forget
You're coming
I'm trying to move on
You're coming home
But you haven't called
You're coming home
You're coming home (x4)
I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I lonelily loomed her into my bone
You let me down
There's no use deceiving
Neither of us wanna be alone

~~

miss r...thanx for ya msg...i'm alright actually... dun worry...

quoted this from ya blog...
'I believe you meet the other party because you miss him and still think of him, so subconciously, you will see him some how. But you will spot him first, because you miss him more. If he doesn't spot you at all, that's bad, that means he doesn't even think of you anymore. That's why he's no longer sensitive to your presence.'

i've always been bad in spotting ppl esp in crowded places...so why did i spot him that nite...i have no idea...mm...perhaps i needed an ans for the unfinished business and eventually i've gotten wat i wan ...so in a way it's good isnt it...

filtering things not needed in my life...good process of telling myself wat is impt wat is not...cos my memory space is really limited...haha...that's life...at least mine is...

Argh...suffering from lobster syndrome...damn...i think i'm gonna peel like siao...

sze, ck....i had so much fun with u guys at sentosa today!!! thanx for psychoing me to swim to the island...cos i was paraniod that i'll drown..haha in the end i was exhausted and sze has to pull me along so all i do is juz float...nice le...like holding on to a dolphin (good enough that i didnt mention the other animal tat start with 's' end with 'l'...haha)...thanx for throwing me 3 damn times into the water...ur lousiness almost caused my bikini top to fall off 3 times -_-, making me scream like siao cha bo...haha it's fun when i clammed onto ck and wont let go cos i dun wanna be swang into the sea again....wish the rest could join us then we can run from one end of the beach to the other playing frisbee...good work out le...next time k...

haha now i'm all burnt...painful...

ed, appreciate ur frankness...and yah you shocked me...kinda brought me back to 3 yrs ago =)
at the moment i really dun have the energy....so let's juz leave it as it is...certain things cant be helped...friendship is all it is...i'm sorry u have to go thru it twice...but all along i've always treated u the same as before...

gotta finish up my report! nitenite

first day of not working...grovvy!!!

my multitasking level has been up by so many notches all thanx to my clinical...

sandwiches are made...think it'll turn soggy later...but wat to do...u guys still have to eat it no matter wat...cos i woke up early to make them! have this feeling that u guys gonna laugh at my tomato slices...watever...and mind u...i put two slices of ham in each sandwich....haha i know one is not enough...esp for sze...

anyway looking at the sky...i'm so thrilled!!! cant wait cant wait...

last day of work...yippee....worked extra 2 hours cos there wasnt enough ppl to handle the pts. Was about to leave at 12 when pts start coming in...so i actually treated them in my civilian clothes as i was ready to go...and damn i cut my finger -_-

met up with yk and yd for lunch at ikea...yd arh...ur editing is really good...and the music u've chosen is very suitable too...nicely done! u're getting better at it!

always a joy to hang out with the two of them...painful but i'm always laughing...why must u two always inflict pain and bruises on me...it's funny...now that i know i'm worth 'fighting' for btw the two of u and that u two really 'dote' me...i dun dare to use those words infront of u anymore...haha...why am i always the one who kena hit and pushed!

handsome...thanx for the present...thanx for talking to me...really hope u can join us at wala next wk...at least have a farewell drink with us? try k...

was roaming around like a zombie in the evening before meeting my fren for dinner...nice catching up...cos havent gotten the time to do so though we're in the same poly...i'm glad he's doing fine...sorry cant go night safari with ya...next time perhaps

babe i'm so glad u're back...i have so much to tell u...seeya tomolo k...

so true...the more i know, the more i sink into sadness...cos i'm starting to get paranoid...which i shouldnt in the first place...duh...

feeling very drained...mentally and physically...mm...wanna go wala soon...booze and music...recharge recharge recharge...i feel so darn old inside...

sigh...god showed me signs...and literally present the ans in front of my eyes...'move on u stupid bitch...'

bumped into him on the bus with another gal dozing off...

used to do that...how ironic...

reminds me of the advert:

cakes and chocolates~ $10

puma jacket ~$59

Bumming into ur ex bf with a new gal~ priceless (worthless)

was shocked at first...then i felt like a fool...wondering how can he replace me with another person

my gal pals were so worried...nah i didnt cry...cos there's no need to...weirdly i kinda expected it to happen...

anyway took a short walk with fen..kinda clear my tired mind...wasnt that upset then...but was bitter about it so i smsed him...and to my surprise...he replied...wanna talk over the phone...

alright...so we talked over the phone...explanation, explanation....yada yada yada....was alittle agitated initially...cos i feel unjust of receiving the kinda treatment that i'm given....but the more i talk the more i feel at peace with myself...not angry nor bitter...cos i realise there's utterly no point in it...

watever it is...it doesnt matter anymore...damaged is done...trust is broken...choices are made...

there is no point of meeting up cos it's all gonna passed and sooner or later it'll juz fade off...perhaps u moved on even faster than me...so be it....cos ultimately it's ur life...

i said goodbye and that's it....at least now it's truly a closed chapter for me...

from two paths that have crossed...to becoming two separate ways...i dun wan them to ever cross again...i'll walk my own path the way i want...and i'm pretty sure along the way my frens will still be by my side

from now on...my blog will only concern things and ppl around me =)
man bloody tired...freedom...another half a day....muah haha

i'm so darn proud of myself...cos i survived thru this attachment!! final eval was done...gotten 4s and 5s...mostly 5s...am really really happy...cos watever happened i've survived it....i dunno how i did...

despite my sup who always threaten to fail me...she actually is very nice and supportive...gee she said if next time i wanna work there she'll hire me...haha...kinda nice to hear that...

past few weeks seem like a dream to me...now that i'm back in the reality...i'm glad things are back to how it is...single, carefree and less worries...

he should be happier now...no more obligation to provide or make up what he is unable to give...relieve indeed...i used to feel that way too...for me, not having to wait and hope that things will change for the better...is a kind of relieve too...i just get disappointed easily...now i dun have to, cos there's nothing for me to expect...

gee...ever watched great expectation? it's one of my all time favourite movies...way ahead of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind...should read the book too..it's nice...

downed 4 coffee last nite...slept for 2 hours and worked for 8...now abit high due to lack of sleep...looking forward to tomolo...freedom....more sleeping hours~~~

i need super glue...tweezers...and gloves...

shattered pieces...too small to be pieced back..sharps edges are juz too edgy for tender hands to handle...

they must be bleeding now...for the pain is ever so sharp that one's only instinct is to retreat ur hands and let go...

thousands turn into millions...eventually into infinity...

juz let it be...the wind will pick it when it becomes fine enough...juz let it...

mb i dun need superglue, tweezers and gloves afterall...

suddenly i feel excited...

attachment coming to an end...i realise i really like working in AH...the ppl, the environment, my colleagues, my cute TAs and my sup...but there's always an ending no matter how beautiful the story may be...i have this wilful thought...wonder if they'll hire me in future if i ever applied for a job there...haha...

bro brought up something on oversea studies during dinner...first time ever on the topic of oversea studies and it actually concern me! bro came to know that i can do a one year degree conversion in aust...told him the cost plus lodging fees...was surprised he didnt disapprove though he did say that it's kinda ex...he even offer to sponsor 25% of the fees...haha...i mean i really didnt expect this to come from him...told him there's no need to sponsor cos he has a baby coming along...

mom was the funny one..cos she said mb i'll go over aust get married and have kids...haha...ang mo kids! woo i wan....so cute....

dad as usual didnt say anything so i dunno wat's on his mind...

wooo...so fun...though nothing is for sure yet but i'm happy enough to know that my family seem supportive of this idea...coming year have to be good gal and study le...if i screw up i'll be dead!

i'm abit of a nutcase now...cos i can be really happy one moment...then suddenly sad at the next...but at least i'm happy right now...who knows about tomolo...

thurs...half day!! yippee...friday...yippee....
i've decided to keep my hair long so that it can cover my boobs...muah haha...will trim and add colour...yeah...

i think i've lost weight...cos i can see bony appearance on my chest...but then tummy didnt seem to get small le...o man...i'm like the rest of the singaporean women who arent satisfied when it comes to their tummies...eh but anyway so long my boobs dun drop in size i'll be happy enough...~wink~

was talking to aud and yd...cos was feeling sucky again...sunday...keep making me feel down

begin to hate sundays...dunnoe why...mb cos everything bad started from then on...

yd asked wat do i need to make the closure...truth, answers,reasons from his mouth...to me msg is such an easy thing to do...but i know it's not possible to have the closure that i want...cos i'm being avoided like a plague...

hating that person will be so much better yd said...cos i'll be able to get over him and recover fast...he said he dun quite understand my sadness =)
i dun have the energy to hate another being...too tiring...cos i think it'll be a lifelong thing and forever u'll rem that person even more...

wallowing in my misery is pretty tiring too...i wanna snap out of it soon...but when??

handsome said someone better will be waiting for me...i guess that person will not be a man but another me...the new me awaiting to be discovered by myself...


bzzzzz.........

i re-read the entry i've typed last nite...man i sound cheezy...eek...

gina asked if i'm alright...told her i'm fine...she doesnt seem convinced...too bad....

come to think about it...her tone sound exactly the same as last time...bugging me about clearing things up...why do i have to call up and make a fool of myself...i'm already silly enough...dun need anymore emphasis...piss me off when ppl asked me that...

such a nice weather to tan...not too hot...not raining either...but all i can think of is sleep...pathetic le...really lack of it leh...think hibernate for a month also not enough...

desperately need haircut...should i chop my hair short? or juz trim? too out of hand le...cannot stand it...i envy gals who can look real good with very short hair...so cool...mb i should keep my hair long again so that it can cover my boobs..woo...nice eh..but i cant stand the length i'm in now...how....

some ppl are meant to be a passerby in ur life, while others like us are meant to be the residents....will stay there forever & ever!!
fen said that to me...

i'm blessed with friends who love me dearly...i know who they are and i'm really grateful to have them by my side...

i think i ate the heaviest dinner tonite...favourite garlic prawn...havent ate tat much for past 2 weeks...feel so darn fat...

bought the puma jacket i like...happy happy...hehe...

darn sleepy now...waiting for hair to dry...gotta work tomolo to make up my mc...mm...have to hang in there for 4 hours...should be able to make it...

i'm so dead...gonna finish assignment within 2 days...so so dead...4 days to sleeping in late, playing squash, going for tanning and lazing around...i need sleep....

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind...

it's been a yr ago since i've watched it...till now i still miss this movie...wonder if anyone loves it as much as i do...blogged about it last yr...and i still stand by wat i say...haha...mindset no change le...

6 more days to end of clinical...as usual...i think i'll miss my patients...though they mainly consist of bangladesh, india and china workers...talking to them can be quite a challenge...but it's always nice to see them smile at u cos they become familiar with u thru the treatment...and as always...i like to inflick pain on them...cos sometimes i juz dun understand how their reactions can be so darn great with juz a little push...okie lah...i do respect pain okie...like wat HB told us to...muah haha...it's juz that seeing them flinch abit can be quite funny...~i must never get injured...i must never get injured~

i'll miss my cute colleagues and sup too...they're really nice to me...guiding me all along...

no one relies on another person to survive...i like this phrase cos i know it's true...

sigh i'm sleepy again...gotta nap...

here i am whining again...slept at 8 last nite...concussed totally cos the nite before i slept less than 3 hours rushing my presentation slides...

havent been quite myself lately...with so many things happening i actually pulled thru without breaking down...tot i'm gonna screwed up my presentation but it went alright...still have some other stuff to rush...juz mean that i'll sleep less and eat less...good way to lose weight though...i'll pamper myself after attachment...face breaking down man...sux

putting up a front at work is easy...i'll juz need to smile and carry out treatment with them...they wont know how tired i am inside...

but i cant seem to mask my expression in front of my frens...i know they shouldnt be the ones taking those crap that i havent snapped out from...

sigh...with the past two relationships...it juz get worst towards the end...first break up was via phone...second was via sms...why is it so hard to say things face to face? i'm only worth 5 cents of the money to being told the truth...i tot better of him...sigh...cant help but feel that there is something wrong with me...how did i find two guys of similiar traits...yd said it's juz my luck...sigh i'm so darn lucky then...

enough whining...7 days to freedom...muah haha...i wanna colour my hair...cut my hair...tan away my dark circles and fats...wilful way of thinking but i'm always like that...no choice...attachment already makes me look haggard enough...plus the stress and failed r/s...i looked worst...must get my sporty look back...

fucked up...made a stupid mistake in clinical today...argh...one dumb mistake can ruin wat i've established...think i'm falling sick again...havent been eating and sleeping much cos rushing reports and stuff...so screwed...

feeling miserable now...hangover...i tot i'll cry my hearts out last nite since i'm with the gals drinking...but none happened...i'm still the tipsy me...giggly and all...why cant i juz cry my hearts out...

was totally gone...i had no recollection on how i've gotten out of the pub and ended by the beach...and my back is filled with bruises...sorry gals...u must have had a hard time handling me...

messed up now...something i tot didnt happen actually did...argh...

am so not sober now...feel like puking still....sigh....

everything is replacable...esp me...i can be replaced so darn easily...

i cant wait!! wala wala...i miss unexpected so much!!

peifen...thank you for the hairclip...felt much better after talking to u...thanx for sacrificing ur time to be with me...i know i always whine alot and poor u have to take it all the time...i really hope we can go backpacking next year after me and min grad...hehe u better save up now man...i'm so darn envious of ur nz trip! so fun!

wanna get out of singapore...the urge of doing it is getting stronger esp when i'm graduating in one year's time...been thinking about it since years back...wonder if i can survive out of singapore...watever it is i'll only know when i get to try it...it'll be fun if i can work as an OT in other countries...

anyway darn tired...dunno why...hasnt been eating much...been drinking lots of coffee though...
keep myself awake during the day...but making myself tired with my work at nite...so that i can zonk out into sleep straight away...hehe...tomolo nite...i hope i dun end up by the toilet bowl...

i'll be getting belated presents from gal friends...hehe how sweet is tat...yd, where is mine??go shopping after my attachment has ended??

i've juz splurged on a skirt and a top yesterday....eek...spending too much =p

i need a drink...ray...if u read my blog...can we go happy daz this sat? i promise i wont make u clean up my puke like u did at ktv that nite...i'll notify u first? haha...and pls dun use smelly plastic bag on me...

went to observe a surgery yesterday...elbow fracture...it's really cool...a little bloody and gruesome...but am quite amazed by the surgeon...he drilled and hammered the bone as though it's juz a piece of wood...next time if i ever need to go for operation...i think i'll be scared to death cos basically u're lying there unconscious, leaving everything to the surgeons...whether he can fix it well or not...u wont know...watching the surgery was quite fun..me and the other therapist are so much shorter that the surgeon gave us stool juz so that we can have a better view of his operation...

i cant wait for the attachment to end...but first i need to finish my presentation slides and report which i havent started...eek...

i need closure...perhaps i shouldnt depend on the other party to do it...cos i dunnoe when it'll happen...i dun wanna drag cos i owe it to myself to be happy...i'll close this chapter myself...afterall i've given myself 3 days...to cry, to mourn, to filter things out...

i guess clinical kinda distracted me...but it's not easy to deal with so much shit at the same time... i juz have to deal with them somehow...like it or not...

sigh...pretty bubbles that i tot will not burst so soon finally go disappearing into thin air...i know these bubbles wont last..juz didnt expect it'll go off so soon...i had my happy times...i've cried, i've laughed, i've tried loving someone and i've gotten myself hurt...it's all about choices...i cant blame anyone else...in fact there's no need to...i dun hate him for ending the r/s the way he did...i juz stop loving him...end of chapter...

o...i told mom bout my plan of moving out after i find a job...she seemed okie with it...and i've checked out on the amt needed to go oversea for degree conversion too...i really hope i can do that...arh but i need sugar daddy first...haha

again...tiredness overcoming me...gotta nap...ciao~

sigh...fell sick...headache and tummy ache...sian...have to make up for clinical...later have to go see doc to get mc...

com is hanging on me constantly...arh...damn it...all bad things come at the same time...testing my limits...

damn gotta visit the toilet again...ciao~

ck...thanx for acc me today...sorry u have to put up with my face...and that u have to keep smiling to cheer me up...

yd...ur words meant alot to me...thanx for calling to check on me...

simin and peifen...muack...thanx...i'm really looking forward to going travelling with u gals...need to get away from s'pore...been dying to do that...

i guess i'm back to singlehood...nah... i'm fine...aint crying...i'm done with that few days ago...at the moment i'll juz have to supress my emotions so that i can get thru my clinicals...when is my breaking point? mm i dunno...i have to be strong..i have to be fine...appear to be fine at least...i dun have a choice...cos i know ppl around me will be worried...

it doesnt matter to me anymore...whether to meet up or not...decisions are pretty much set isnt it...wont bug u anymore...i'll juz need to pass u some stuffs...if u really cant face me...then perhaps i'll either pass it to ur fren or leave it at ur door step...

i'm tired...need to sleep...been sleeping but still feel tired...tonnes of work awaiting for me...think next few nites dun need to sleep le...but what to do...that's life regardless of u being happy or not....argh i need a drink...perhaps after attachment i'll do that...

feeling numbed now...i dunno wat to say...i juz realised i'm actually not worth fighting for...is it something wrong with me..

so...being too nice and understanding is actually something that can be given up so easily...it happened once...it happened again...u think it's fair to me that i wont suffer further...but i guess the impact of being given up affects me more than anything...

whatever it is i dun think i can control it...if u think u actually feel better without me...then we'll juz have to leave it...but if u think u're willing to take up the challenge...i'll be taking it up with u...


i'm having a competition later...wish me luck...damn i havent been training and now i have to play...eek....okie i go read papers...

aint feeling too good...

i tried so darn hard not to cry...but i did..

it's not about clinical...i'll never cry no matter how hard clinical is...

i cant hold it...so i juz let it out when i took the bus home...i hate to cry..esp over something i cant control...but ironically it always happened...it doubles my silliness which i already am quite severe in it...

tomolo is my mid way eval...wish my luck...

another week has past..i've seen 13 pts today...and surprisingly my sup say i quite zai so far cos i dun seem stress treating so many pts...mm i wonder why too...perhaps i like to be busy...cos time passed faster...work work work then lunch time..<30 min lunch break then work work work again...then soon knock off time...isnt it good...then u wont have extra time to idle around...no time to think of other stuff...no time to even go toilet...

called whole bunch of freshies...call till i wanna puke...now i'm seeing stars...tired man...everyday i'm seeing pts till i see stars too...dealing with club stuffs and clinical...can be quite tiring...luckily i have good committee to help me with my club stuff...really grateful for that...

i'm pushing myself again...as though to numb myself emotionally and mentally...i dun wanna feel vexed with problems...juz wanna be happy with wat i'm doing and be contented with the things i have...do i still take things for granted? mm i hope not...always reminding myself not to...am i being taken for granted then...mm i dunnoe...hope not too...

eh seeing stars...dun noe wat i'm typing...gonna sleep...

busy morning i had...monday morning it's always hectic...i'm in my 2nd week going to third and i'm like seeing 8 pts already...time pass faster when i'm doing stuff...good...i like it that way...though that means it's more demanding for me...

i juz hope i'll be more careful and not make stupid mistakes again...keep missing little stuff when i'm doing my documentation...shall take note of that..

this morning...i woke up late...so took a cab down...bloody hell...dunno where a green spider pop out from...it crawled from my hand onto my face! yucks...i fling it to the floor and squash it flat...haha...heng it's not poisonous...

i feel like screaming now...who can i scream to? myself and my pillow...arh...

i'll be fine...
things will be alright...
i'll be strong...
i'll not cry...
i'll not scream...
i'll survive...
i'll be sane...
i'll be good...
i'll be alright...

yah...like real...

friday nite...
yippee...bought a skirt from fox women...happy...cos i havent bought any clothes for a long long time...

had dinner with ck and was shopping with him...yd joined us later...shop around bugis and orchard...most of the shop were closed by then....so we ended up chatting at wheelock starbucks till 1++am....i miss talking to them! feel so good to chat with the guys....juz talked about anything and updating each other...


sat nite...went drinking...wanted to go wala...but ended up in zee10...not bad...we had fun...though it would have been better if we can go wala...i miss drinking...and last nite was really something i needed since attachment...gals thanx so much for the gifts and all...
after drinking we went ktv to sing...but i ended up sleeping in the room...haha....didnt get to sing much...too bad...next time maybe....

met up with peifen and simin juz now...peifen juz came back from new zealand...boy am i envious...looking at the photos she had taken makes me wanna go too...places there are darn pretty lar...
btw we kinda confirm that we'll be going KL in july after my attachment...so fun! it'll be the first trip ever for the 3 of us after so long! looking forward to it! yeah all thanx to simin who so wanted to go in the first place...haha

actually right now i'm not feeling too good...worried about club crawl and attachment...sigh...and my baby is gonna go for camp again...guess it's another week of not seeing him...sometimes i wonder will i ever get use to this...sigh...wat can i say...i'm trying to...

Finally, i meet my baby after a week of not seeing him...

had simple dinner at harour front hawker centre and then head home to rest...

i know u're tired...can see from ur face and how fast u fell asleep in the train...i know u made the effort to come down alexandra to meet me cos u said u'll do that during lunch time... i'm happy enough =)

have been taking down notes for my clinical for the pass one hour or so...need to take a break before i start having phobia about hands...

quite funny...i borrowed a goniometer from my sup on fri cos i wanna go home practise the measurement of the bending angle of the digits...took it to camp with me..and i ended up measuring my squashies' hands during the camp...haha actually i only started out with my committee members then the others juz willingly lend me their hands after that...haha so cute..esp the twins...

slept for 14 hours since last nite...can u imagine that...i havent had this kinda luxury since long ago...was sleeping like a dead pig by 8.30pm and none of my family members knew i was home...sis-in-law even tot i went out again and sms me to ask wat time i'll be home...she said i blend so well with my bed that none of them notice me sleeping...-_-"

will go jogging if i'm not feeling lazy...woo hoo...got new earphones...hooked to the ear kind...now i dun have to keep adjusting it while i jog..cos the previous one keep dropping out...damn irritating...

weather is good...for the first time i didnt take any nap even when it rained...muah haha...mm...something is not right...if yk knows he'll have said this " you're not jiahui! u're fake! where is the real piggy jiahui?" muah haha

really really tired...right now i cant even open my eyes to the usual size that it suppose to be...

camp juz ended...i cant say it's a very very good camp...but at least we accomplished wat we suppose to do...good enough...at least nothing major cropped up...

pretty fun last nite...walking around with committee at the schl's track...wah...can see alot of stars le...it's so unsual to see so many stars in s'pore...so all of us were like standing on the track staring at the sky for very long...so nice...

sigh...think i'm old le...cant stay up for long...wanted to paint banner with the gals thru the nite..end up i slept at 3,4+ till morning...still, i'm tired the whole day...trying to pull thru the day despite my aching head...sian...

another thing is...i gave my classmate's chalet a miss...so so sorry regina...i wanted to go down straight from schl but had too many stuff to carry home...really sorry about that...but i do hope that u like the present...

so sweet..dylan actually planned a surprise 21st birthday party for regina at east coast chalet...wonder how everything turned out...o man missed out so many things..first is...class chalet and now this...feel so far away from my classmates...wont see them for another month le...so lonely...hai~ like outcast le...except that i aint out of the group cos i'm weird but becos i'm busy with other stuff...argh...sian

no life...no life...no life....

morning: bright and energized...looking forward to the day as best as i can...attachment is pretty interesting...abit stressful cos sup demands quite abit...but so far she's pretty nice...others like TAs and other OTs in the hospital are nice and friendly too....juz like one big family...with my sup being the mother hen...haha

evening: dead tired...i have been sleeping like a dead fish in the train on my way home for these two days...kinda like a natural thing for me do already...cant help it...i've used up my energy to sustain my alertness during the placement...

bro juz threw tantrum really badly...i guess he's stressed up about his 3 weeks china trip...sigh...poor thing

right now...i'm sleepy...tired...as usual...think i'm gonna take a nap then read up then check on my squash gals...sigh..i'm really sorry for not being able to do the stuff with u two...i'm sorry for having u two to run the camp first...really thankful to have the two of u

nite time...i always start missing hairul...have been receiving his calls at round 2,3 am...good enough since he's away for camp in malaysia...and with the bad reception hearing his voice is comforting enough...

gtg...i'll try to survive this week...next week i'll be even more stressed up...sup is gonna ask alot of qn man...cham...have to take in as much infor as possible...

one more day to attachment...one more day....

what have i been doing? settling squash stuff as best as i can...trying to read up 'hands' stuff...which reminds me...everytime it comes to 'hands'...i'm always hugging buddha's leg...except that this time round nikki is not with me...i'm alone...

managed to spend time with hairul today...nice...felt more settled and very much contented being with him the whole day...i know i can be difficult at times...i appreciate him for tolerating my tantrums, mood swings and my fickle-mindedness...i always try to think of a win-win situation for the both of us which can turn out pretty upsetting and bizarre sometimes...sorry for making things difficult...

the talk over the phone last nite...i truly appreciate that too...it puts me at ease knowing that we both are trying to make the best out of this relationship...nothing is easy...we both are aware of that...but at least we are happy with wat we have now...
thank u baby...

i guess i have to start singing my helium voice song...i will survive...need to pull thru this week...
reality...i need to face it...

predicted mood for the next few days: fucked-up mood...

need to sort things out...all my plans have to be re-arranged due to the last min changes...need to gear up for my placement...

actually right now i'm pretty panicky inside...am suppressing my feelings, emotions, mood, blah blah...i dun have time for all those things...watever it is i'll have to pull thru it...i'll juz have to see how far i can stretch myself till...

sigh...sucky day...bloody luck...

i think god has been giving me signs all these while...first, hairul gotten fractures for his wrists...then is apple telling me how sucky her job interview was at AH....then is sid always asking me if i get hands placement how....

yesterday...gotten a call from HB...asking if i can start my placement next wed...hands placement at alexandra hospital...i'm like...huh...i can say no meh...sigh...wah biang...hols cut short...squash camp coming...club crawl preparation on the way...like that i'm gonna die lah in 2 weeks time...

comforting thing is...hairul is finally back from his trekking...hehe...

have to thank yd and yk for talking to me and keeping me sane...yeah went wala last nite...still as fun as ever...too bad cant stay there for long....hopefully will get a chance to go there again...soon...haha...

can't u let me stay home for awhile longer and do my own stuff...

u said i can do it when i'm free...why are u pressing me about it then...it's juz a bank book...maybe to you it's super important...but i'll get it done by the end of the week...

told u i'm tired...and tired of having to travel to schl for 4 days out of a week...which is why i wanna stay home for as long as i can...but i dun think u get it...perhaps u dun see why i cant get out of the house earlier and u dun understand why i'm going to schl so frequently despite the fact that it's schl hols...whatever it is...i will do whatever u want me to do...i'll get it done alright....

it brings me back to my sec schl years...
i rem i told u once that i was selected to be president for my chinese cultural society club...
i told u with excitment and a tinge of pride...i was expecting u to be happy for me and the very least, supportive of your daughter...
'arh...why president...can u not take it?' was ur response...
wat can i say? wat can i do? it seems like my parents aint impress or proud of it...
perhaps that's when i stop informing them much about myself except for trival stuffs...
cos i know wat their response will be..

i wonder if they're ever proud of me...

happy~

had fun yesterday...cos i managed to buy myself a tube top..and the gals gotten me a bra and panty that i wan..muah haha...sexy~
hehe thank you so much...had so much fun trying out dresses with u gals

my meetup wit pri schl fren was surprisingly a pleasant one...no awkwardness despite not seeing each other for about 10 years...we've talked so much! trying to update one another on our lives for the past 10 years in the 1 hr+ conversation. Really nice chatting with him...

best part of the meetup was when my fren took out his ic plus his ns card and showed me his pri 6 and after poly pic...o my gosh...he is so much better looking now...well built and more charming...haha...i couldnt help burst out laughing when i saw his pri 6 photo...cos that's where my memory of him stopped at...chubby, flat hair,big size,cute looking guy...haha i miss that fat fat cute looking him...but then am glad that he managed to lose weight...cos he was way overweight then...am glad that he's happy with his life too...working so hard to establish his career...

it's nice to meet up old frens once in awhile...kinda brings back childhood memory...and reminds me of how much older i am now...sigh...aging man...sux...

listening: Quando Quando Quando by Michael Buble and Nelly Furtado

soothing...like this version alot...juz give you a different feel when you listen to it...

sigh...are promises made meant to be broken? if so, then don't make promises that u're not even sure u can fulfill...have learnt my lesson not to give empty promises unless i know i can keep to them...wat comes around goes around...dun like to receive empty promises so i dun wanna do that to others too...perhaps that why i always use the word 'i'll try...'

expectation+promises=disppointment
no expectation + no promises= no disappoinment

easy as that...

gotta go wash up and meet my pri schl classmate whom i havent seen for 10 years! mm...poor chap tried to organise a pri schl gathering but none make confirmation with him...mm...dunno why i've decided to meet him..alone somemore...tried to persuade simin to go but she dun wanna come...peifen now in new zealand...mm juz tot it'll be nice to meet up since he put in effort to organise an outing which failed...

Love, like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy.
But sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the the surface and must nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive.
~Mitch Albom
The Five people you meet in Heaven

meaningful isnt it...any kind of love will go thru that situation whereby the joy within slips away under the presence of any challenges and to replenish it, is to work from the baseline instead of focusing on the surface...arent we all constantly focusing on the wat we see instead of wat we should understand...cos it's always easier to tackle things that are the most obvious to us...

going to finish reading this book. Pretty interesting to me. Kinda like it more than ' Tuesday with Morrie'. If u have time, go read it...

kinda lost touch with artsy films lately...wat happened arh...mm...time plus money constrain...
arh..mb if tomolo i have time i'll watch 'the hours' again...if only i have dvd of 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind' , 'before sunrise' and 'before sunset'.... i think i'll watch them again and again...haha...sigh...good movies are hard to find u know...must find a way to get back to watching arts films!

last nite i was writing my journal...fell asleep while penning my thoughts down...didnt know i can do that...haha...must be too tired...anyway i like it that way...cos i wont dream that much and i'll feel more refresh when i wake up...

yeah...finally bro brought back sis's roller blade...gonna try it out again...do or die i wanna master the art of roller blading...cos my area is such an ideal place to do that...juz pray hard that my bones arent brittle and that i wont crack any of it again...

so far...presents received: crumpler bag ( hehe from hairul), cool note book+cap (thanx to liting, ying ying, huixin and audrey), cards (thanx to aunt, my squash mate, shijie), dkny perfume+moisturiser( thanx ck! i love it!!!), bikini( sexy ones from apple and shimin), earphones( cool ones from weiming, weikun and jianming), lunch + courtshoes ( peifen and simin...muack!), yummy dinner and cake ( yd's mom, yd, ck, sze, vicky, yk, jl, yilong and adrian, thank u!), surprise cake and coming gift voucher ( eve, chris, nikki, kaysing, regina)....wah haha...i've decided to get myself either nice hair clip, earrings or bra....mm perhaps i'll settle with bra...wah haha...nice nice! we shall see to it!

more pictures

Realise the auntie at the background has the same look as ours? haha


smiley...beer...water...banana me...


this is my 'yah right...' look
dunnoe why...but i just like this pic alot...


handsome and me! nice pic eh...good lighting!
and that's not my hand on his arm...haha looks like it isnt it?


blurry...but nice...


and lastly...someone whom i'm gonna miss for the next 5 days...

First time....

First time...

Daddy pad my head this morning...wishing me happy birthday...gave me 100 bucks ang bao...

Mommy wished my happy birthday too...

Hairul being the first to wish me happy birthday and owing me 23 k

Frist time...

Me crying non-stop in front of the com now...not even knowing why i do that...it juz keep flowing out...sudden outburst of frustrations...emotions....all combined and oozzed out of my eyes...making them swollen and red...making me look like raindeer...sux...

gonna go wash up...

23 no longer 22

Happy Birthday to me...one year older...dunno to be happy or wat...haha...

surprisingly...mommy remembered my birthday...offered to go out to eat as form of celebrating it for me...mm...weird...last last yr and last yr dun have leh...anyway cannot make it for dinner lah cos got training...plus have to meet SAO for some discussion first...i juz hope that things can go smoothly...

went sentosa with my hairul for a retreat on mon and tue...wat can i say other than fun fun fun! played volleyball, frisbee...we're even joined by these bunch of uni kids and played a few games of frisbee with them too...pretty fun...they all look so young man...we tot they're poly kids in their 17s...cos the guys dun even look like they've been thru ns...hmmm....

stayed in rasa sentosa for one nite...nice place...nice pool...got lots of ang mos with their ang mo kids...haha so cute...too bad the room we've gotten is not the one facing the sea...if not it'll be real nice!

after this trip...i'll be back to schl to work on squash stuff...arh...dunno why members getting lesser and lesser despite us calling...i hope i'm not making a mess out of the club...sigh...

arent i suppose to be happy? am going to spend time with my dear away from singapore...okie it's only sentosa but better than nothing mah...

sigh...but something not quite right...maybe it's my period...or the fact that i'm gonna be one year older soon sickens me...not that i'm afriad of getting old...it's juz that i'll always be reminded of the disppointment and bitterness when i was 21...of cos at the same time i'm reminded of the sweet sweet memories at wala when i'm 22...
just that bad things plague me more than the happy ones...

this whole thing juz kind of dampen my mood...arh...sick woman..what exactly do u want...i dunno...get it over and done with...ironic ironic...dun e and u wont get the d...sigh...shall keep to that...afterall that's wat happened last year isnt it...and that was the best thing i had...indeed it is...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Photos...

here are some photos we took on fri...pretty cheezy and nice ones...haha...more to come


cheezy...


2 big eyes gals and one sleepy head


bus stop

it's been a long time....

alright...first entry after i've changed my blogskin...pretty proud of myself...cos a computer idiot like me can do up all the tagboard and link stuff all by myself...i consider it aint too bad...

okie so wat have i done since wed...

after my first and last paper...went out with the gals to town to walk around...bought something which cheered me up...though it's not for myself...haha...uh i also dunno why i'm happy...think the fact that i bought something juz make me feel better...after having sushi for dinner...went espirit and zara to shop...tried this halter top and tube top at espirit...nice....haha...but didnt buy...hehe can save money...

after that...i'm suppose to go home...but no..i did not...haha met up with ray and jessie at happy dayz...met a senior from squash too...pretty nice gal...had fun chatting and chilling out with them... too bad angie cant make it....i like to chat with the gals...cos it's really fun and we can talk about anything under the sun...or should i say moon...haha

anyway...drank quite abit...was tipsy...and i knocked my nose on the tap during shower...now got brusie...so dumb...no more bacardi 151...taste yucky and too burning...no more no more...'quick fuck' is still the best...sweet and nice...

thurs...went to polyclinic with hairul...slept at 3 on wed...woke up at 7 to make my way down to his place...super duper sleepy...had mac breakfast with him then we went to see doc at polyclinic to get his wrists checked...queue is super long...and all the time are spent on waiting...but am fine with it...cos we juz sit there talk and talk...bug each other and try to entertain one another...haha...one piece of advice...dun go polyclinic alone...it's really super boring and tiring cos have to wait very very long....

fri...which is today...went to have lunch at the nice jap restaurant with yd,ck,sze and vicky...so fun!!! miss them so much...been a long time since we last hang out...think we've all enjoyed the food and the company...so nice...had a funny incident in the toilet...shant put it here...cos it's really very embarassing...haha....stupid act of mine...haha

after lunch...went to jap supermarket to walk around...after that dunno wat to do...cos we're suppose to catch a play which is at 8...so we decided to go brewerkz to taste beer....haha...nice place to hang out too...cos the interior is pretty cosy...took lots of photos....fun fun...laughed alot...cos we're talking about old sec schl days...now we all know who is the more jinxed one in terms of making the eca clubs to close down...haha

evening time had dinner at buger king...i laughed the hardest here cos yd was telling us some traumatising events he and his sister put yilong thru...biang...so damn funny...and horrifying too...haha...really quite hilarious...poor yilong...childhood must be quite terrifying to him...haha..

after that..we went for the talk show 'it takes two' ....pretty entertaining...but it kinda lack something in it...still...selena tan and hossan leong are really good in this theatre scene...and boy...hossan leong's voice is goood....

show ended at 10...and we decided to have coffee...so another round of chit chatting...this time round...we talked about photography...

mm..that's about it actually...pretty fun day for me...so happy...hehe...have to go bathe now...