panicky...

the older i get the more panick attacks i'm prone to...first is pract now is exam....my heart is weak...it's going to fail me soon with all these heart racing moments...

using my brain to study brain functions and memory...if only when i study these topics my memory will increase from KB to GB...i'll be so happy...

Seriously i miss my friends...really i do...i miss theirs faces...i miss talking to them face to face...i miss laughing with them...yah u'll think i'm some crazy woman who can only miss friends cos she got no lover...haha but i really do miss them lots...the only thing i can do now is sms them...how am i going to survive if i ever wanna go oversea to study or work...hmm..beats me...

and i wanna watch Visit of Tai Tai too...but i know i dun have the luxury to do so...o well guys let me know if it's nice k...i'll catch other productions once my exams are done...hopefully by then there'll be good plays around...

Before Sunset....aim to catch it after exam too...ethan hawk...like him...esp after great expectation...sigh...

alrighty back to studies...hang in there...everyone...or mb just me...

my little kite

juz had two pract exams...taking a break...here's something i've written long ago...cant rem what i was feeling when i wrote this...juz something to share...

Daddy taught me how to make a kite
simpl, plain yet significant
Colourful strings attached to it
How beautiful the kite was,
I used to think

Soaring in the glaring sky
my little kite disappeared among the clouds
Panicked, yes I was
But with a little tug and pull
it came flying back into my sight, my comfort zone

Controlling the roll of thread was fun!
Pull it,
and the kite will be by my side
Let go,
and it will merge with the sky!

But how fun can it be
when the thread snapped
And my little kite was mine no more
Tried to grasp it with my little arms
All I had was emptiness

'It's okay' Daddy said
'We can always make another one'
Yes, and maybe I can attach more threads to it,
So that it will not be taken away from me again!

Daddy only smiled at me
The same kind of smile that I will have right now...

~yj~

@_@

Guess wat...i havent been sleeping for 20 hours le...rushing the 3 assignments...and i finally finished on time...hopefully i can make it thru...esp robert's case...i crack my head to do one....

aint really tired at this point...think over the point of feeling tired...

have to start mugging for papers le...and pract too...i really really hope i can do well for pract....though not very likely..but...will try my best...hopefully my mom will be guinea pig for me to test on....

think i may not blog for quite a while...but guess all my friends are busy mugging too...all the best for all ya exams...

gtg...ppl...sleep well and drink more water k....

i will survive...~i miss the helium voice~

running out of time but here i am...wasting time...sipping at my ginseng...hoping it will gimme the wakefulness that i so needed now...

2 down 1 more to go...drowning in the sea of papers...come look at my room...every inch of it is covered with papers...it's the time of the year again....reports...driving me nuts...hai this time of last year...i have buta san to acc me thru my typing....but this time round he's too busy to keep me company...hai yah miss those times...cos can irritate him...haha...have to thank him o...cos he always have to take my grumbles and complaints whenever i catch him online...


X: hey are u drowning?
Y: no, i'm swimming.

ass-u-me.....yup....ppl like to assume...explain further next time....i'm running out of time...

it's killing me....

arh....the headache is killing me...right frontal lobe...making my right eye pain also...as though it's gonna pop out...had it during squash training juz now...

training today is fun...kinda take my stress away abit...i think i'm driving coach crazy...cos i'm forever so slow...in reflex and in learning from my mistakes...hai yah but then i tried my best le....

arh...pain pain pain....weird tot i was hungry that's why headache came...but then ate bread liao it's still there...hopefully the bath will relieve it....

hai sickening shit...tomolo have to attend national education....waste my sleeping time....not that i dun love my country...but being a history student and under s'pore schooling system for so long...i bet the govt's propaganda is working very very well in all of us(if u watch dim sum dollies u'll know how true it is...ha!)...why on earth they want to make us sit thru these excruciating 10 hours of lectures....plus that lecturer....cannot stand him....

exams is in 2 weeks time...still doing assignment...next year how...will be worst lo...double the work load plus squash...how to cope arh...think i may juz drop dead...doubt i can fulfill the roles to expectations lel...how how how....

arh headache....i miss wala wala so much...i miss roy playing guitar too...hai~ but then heard he's not back with the band...hai~ why why why.....
will drink till i'm dead drunk after exam...dun care arh...i cant take it any longer...

foul mood

once again i'm in bloody mood...not cos i'm having my period...cos i've realise something which i have been denying and hoping it has changed....

firstly, i have so many darn assignments to rush that i practically haven't been sleeping more than 5 hours daily...and now i'm having sore throat...and headaches...great...

i realise no one in my family take me seriously...an hour ago my parents met old neighbours of ours back in the ang mo kio days...they came to our house, they talked and looked around.

Something in their conversation struck me...when they asked my parents if i were still studying in university...my parents juz gave a small laugh and replied yah havent finish studying...

i mean wtf...they dun even take the time to tell them that i'm in poly and not a uni-grad with basic degree student...they probably think it's such a trivial thing to them...mb they dun find the need to explain to other ppl but to me it juz mean something...they dun give a damn wat i'm doing...

count me a petty, paranoid, stupid bitch but all i ever wanted is their recognition...but all i ever get is seeing them proudly showing the neighbours the tonnes of books that my bro bought from china back when he was studying there...

and u know wat...i realise all these years i have been fighting the battle alone, trying so hard to get back on my feet and so bloody caution not to fall again, trying to make them proud of me...alone....no matter how much i tell myself that they are there for me...fact is they're not...

i'm so tired...whenever i touch on this issue i'm always so emotional...so lonely...

tired...have been sleeping less than 5 hours daily since the start of this week. test is over so i'll have to focus on the assignments coming along...

it's either my period is coming or i'm juz pure emotional...i acutally feel like crying and screaming my head off...too many things on hand and too little time to complete them...i actually feel like slapping ppl; holding them on the shoulders and shaking their heads off violently...not that i have any grudge against them...it's juz that the tot of it somehow helps de-stress me abit...u know like ally mcbeal...everything only happen in my brain...

lately have been stoning alot...as if living in my own world...cant seem to connect with things or ppl around me...it's like i'm fading off...slowly...mb eventually when i really do fade off no one will know...young environment...fun...cheery...but competitive and tiring too...guess i'm too old for it...or i simply has no abilities to keep up to it...

perhaps the barrier i built didnt allow me to connect with ppl around me...i make new friends, i can chat with them and i like them too...but somehow i juz feel something is lacking...something wrong with me...

head is really heavy now...felt it being hammered in the noon...sharp pain...but temporary...perhaps it's telling me to rest....

midnight...

was walking home alone from sengkang back to punggol at 1230am...took me 30 min to reach home....
one thing is that there isnt any more bus service back home...another thing is i juz wanna walk...alone...at night...

quiet nite...cooling...listening to my receiver and walking....felt relaxed and at ease....a peaceful feeling that i have no idea how to put across....yah a little dangerous mb...but there's no one on the streets except cars, me and my music....nice....

havent been walking that route lately...kinda missed it...passed the flyover; watched the cars drove by...reminded me of something in the past.....

a walk like this always manage to calm me down and pacify my distress....therapeutic sia...haha...yah only for me...

tomolo watching movie at art house...yeah....

faith...

squash tornament ended today...players did great job! am really proud of them...though we may not be top 4...still we proved that we work as a team...

havent got the chance to mention bout sat's event...the yr 3 of OT students organised the sports day for the SPD ppl....we as yr 2 and yr 1 students got to help out....

really fun event...had fun fair and sports game for the physically disabled and intellectually disabled ppl....so fun! seeing them enjoy themselves made me feel that the time spent was so worth it...

was in charged of low functioning intellectually disabled clients....they can be really cute and smiley; naughty and playful; bad temper and throwing tantrum occasionally...intereacting with them really open my eyes...cant say i know how to deal with them totally...but at least i feel comfortable around them=)

okie...today went to IMH...for visit k...not to admit there...went with lecturer and classmates over to have a look in how OT has helped mentally ill patients...interesting visit....enriching..

after the session had ended...my project group mates stayed over in IMH's cafeteria to have discussion....o my goodness...we're really surrounded by whole lot of mentally ill patients...one kind of experience man....this india guy even came over and introduce himself...telling us he's a schizophrenic patient who stayed in IMH for 15 yrs...not that we're scared or anything...but juz dun understand how come they can walk around out of their wards...

a friend asked me...dun u pity these mentally ill ppl??? well...why should i? like i said...these ppl have had enough stigma and pity for as long as they had their illness...what they need is faith from us...why place emphasis in pitying them when we could have done something more productive with them...

not sure since when i have this thought...be it mentally ill pt ; SCI pt; cerebral palsy kids ; intellectually disabled pt...they're like angels with broken wings, sent down to let us know that the world is imperfect and never take things for granted...

it's juz a thought...

freak....

i need recognition...
i need a pat on the shoulder...
i need assurance...
i need security...
i need support...
i need control...
i need friendship...

i dun need a lover...
i dun need sarcasm...
i dun need laziness...
i dun need hypocrites...
i dun need stupidity...

i juz wan a hug...is that too much to ask for?

happy sha la la la.....

am so happy....today's matches are good...the guys and the gals....everyone is so excited esp for the gals team against tp...and i'm so glad that we beat them

o man...my heart was beating so damn hard when i saw them play...such tough fights but they did so well...really deserved it...

i love the team spirit...not only the team players but the club members who are cheering as well...love them so much man...

another match on thurs...i hope they'll carry on the fighting spirit!

All the best!

back on my feet

alright...fri has finally came...
have never felt as tensed up before as today...had discussions one after another...have notices of deadline for various reports and presentations...
great thing was that i get to go out with this fren whom i knew thru the camp previously...he's cool...and fun to talk with...asked me some questions that i'm too brain dead to come out with proper ans...alittel too stoney becos toooooo lacked of sleep! still it's pretty interesting to converse with someone who is younger and of other culture.

something that we chatted about...simplistic person that he hopes to find as his companion...rem i made a remark...if only things around us are that simple...i guess ppl will be as simple too and there won't be so much conflicts among one another...u'll realise the older u grow...the more complex things around us seems to become...welcome to adult world...o well hopefully he'll find a simple gal...then he'll be a really lucky fellow...

felt so relaxed and calm to talk and juz bump around...after whole day of being hectic...i really need that...so i truly appreciate the company...

alright...sat....bloddy bloody tired.....wanted to skipped read-with-me prog...but then...the children's faces started poping out in my mind...so in the end i went...and boy...they're still as cute as ever...never fail to amaze me...they may be kids with some deficits but...but their innocence will always be something that touches me...and their smiles...haha definitely make my day...i love to see this particular kid smile...so sweet! considering he used to cry all the time when he comes...it's really nice to see him smile...and this timid gal who smiles the most when she sees her mother...cute!

next week last lesson with them...mm...quite fast eh...

went out to lunch after the volunteer work...with jiarong...hai yo this guy ah...never seem to change...still as happy go lucky as ever....always makes me laugh like hyena whenever he fills me with his absurd ideas...this time round..it's about the sorta wife he wanna get..-__-"someone who is motherly...o man...can't stand him! haha...wonder when he'll grow up...mentally i mean...physically he's already like a gaint...hehe

alright...long winded eh...after lunch went squash...fun..though have to 'fight' for courts...ran more this time round...played few games with the gals and guy...not bad...enjoyed myself alot! muah haha....will challange them again next week....

dinner...went to buy cake for vicky...simple celebration this yr...no more helium birhtday song...haha...o man i miss those times...still rem singing 'i will survive' in that sorta ducky voice in front of the vcam...haha...hilarious...try it if u can...really entertaining...

gtg sleep...nite~

i think i need waterfall....or my regular LIT....

for those who understand the heading....haha u know wat i mean...shh...

yes tomolo is fri...finally i can rest a little bit...been sleeping late for all the 5 days...am trying to pushed myself to do the stuff...sometimes sleeping can be so waste of time..but i can't say i can do without it...

i know i'm tired but somehow i'm like nuts...keep pushing myself all the time...i wanna know to what extend i can push my limit to...or perhaps i'm juz trying to prove something...

i wanna be simple minded or i tot i am one...but actual fact... my thoughts are always complex, contradicting, cynical...

i wanna type more...but brain not working le...so nitenite

pissed off with myself

am fucking pissed off now...with myself...dun feel like talking...
what's wrong with me...watever i do it all turn out wrong...
starting to doubt my capabilities...
can i do it or can i not...
i hate regrets and i hate history to repeat itself...but whenever shit happens i'll start to contemplate the decision i've made...
i tried to be as strong as i can all these while...
i really cant afford to collapse at this point...
no one knows how much effort i put in to pull myself out from the shit i went thru before
who can i lean on if i ever gone down again...
myself? God? friends? parents?
i feel so tired...mentally...

funny conversation

was chatting with yk last nite...was telling me some cases that he encounter in phone counselling...came across something that i couldnt help laughing....it's the way he try to explain things to me...damn funny...here goes our chatting....

yk: orh...encountered some guys who called thru the line and tell us ridiculous things...

me: uh wat ridiculous things?

yk: usually caller will call and say they have relationships with 20 men..or some guy will call in and say he jerked off in his sis's room...all very exaggerated one...

me: uh jerked off?means???

yk:......(super long pause k)
ehh well...which is the biggest room in ur flat?

me: uh masterbed room lo...

yk: uh huh...u minus the word room...
ta da u'll get the meaning of jerk off...

Yah that's basically it...-__-''... i was like laughing my head off..he could have saved all the trouble and tell me straight away wat it means....never fail to make me laugh man...come to think of it...i should have answered him living room instead of masterbed room...then i'll see how he's going to explain to me about that...hahaha....

yeah i'm finally done with my report...did it from 4pm all the way till sun set...hai damn slow...should speed up my pace man...at least now one load off my back...yeah!

tomolo is the IVP for our squash...it's gonna be tough fight but i'm sure our players can do it...go with open mind and do ya best...=)

my room has been in a mess since....dunno when...am the most untidy gal...haha think it'll be worst with all the reports to do...mm...i did clean up but it juz went back to that messy state...too bad lo...

o yah gina coming nyp for a 3 months course...so exciting...can finally meetup with her for lunch! haha it's been like 4 yrs since we last studied together in nyjc..now we can be school mates again..hahalucky lady...hopefully this coming job will be a good one for her...on the other hand...she can always stay home and be tai tai...haha guess we've all had this idea that she'll be a housewife once she get married....

alright...i gotta go bathe...need a hot bath...if only my toilet has bath tub too...that'll be superb...ha ciao~

one week gone...argh....

great....my one week hols juz zoom past me like that...gotta rush my counselling report...am so dead again...once this hols end...it'll mean endless assigments and project work...did i say i used to hate project work...but somehow i prefer it more than reports now...ugrh...

went for a camp on mon and tue...pretty interesting...second day was more fun...cos my team can work better together....we actually enjoyed ourselves more without all the conflicts and struggles....it happened during day 1...and i was quite taken aback...

Few things happened...
1. swam for the first time in nyp pool...

2. slipped by the pool side...damn stupid and embarassing...cos i was practically on my back...like an old lady...sooo malu...my only concern-my back, luckily it wasnt a hard fall..if not i'll get another fracture again...

3. gotten pushed into the pool by my facilitators...have yet to revenge =p

4. made new frens in my team...soo happy to know them...facilitators included...haha

5. china guy in my team actaully said my chinese not bad...hoho havent hear that for a long time...happy...

6. first time i host a short performance...uh i tend to stammer whenever i have to speak in english in front of whole lot of ppl...good that it didnt happen~ phew~

7. didnt know i can run that fast.....sprinting is so not my cup of tea....nearly died after the run...haha...man i rather jog 8 rounds than sprint 400m.....

8. i thought my patience is getting shorter and shorter...in fact it's still there...and stretched too...think this thing comes along with age...ha....

it's memorable for me...cos i seldom get to participate in this kinda camp...ppl i intereact with never fail to amaze me with their capabilities.....


after camp, was slacking at home...studying for basic theory...should have gone for the bike one...cos bro say if i gotten the lisence for it he'll buy me a bike....haha wonder if he'll keep to his words...=p at the most i drive dad's bike....

thurs went out for ppr discussion....so fun...am going to film something again...hopefully it wont take long...went out shopping with ck then...bought a top and he ended up buying more than me...how unfair is that....but babe...thanx for coming down to accompany me despite u lacking of sleep....muack...thank u.....still think it's funny...the way we chatted that day...hee...

okie i seriously need to sleep...nite everyone.....yd, papa ng and vicky and adrian...meet up soon....muack!

I WANT TO SLEEP

bloody bloody tired...but i like it...cos it means tonite i can sleep without any dreams...peaceful sleep thru the nite....

yesterday spent the whole nite trying to burn that counselling videos for my team mates...hai yo so troublesome man...i tot it's as easy as burning audio files...didnt know must have other programmes to convert the videos...was so desperate man...
luckily i have ck to help me and also yk to send me an idiot proof prog so that i can rip the file without much trouble...thanx guys...i will learn my lesson to seek help earlier and not end up suffering plus deprieved of sleep...

week went by juz like that...physio test was a killer and the more i do the mcq the more confused i am...i need more time to think thru the qn...it's either i'm slow or i'm stupid man...hai~
okie debate was alright...though i must say...i sux BIG time in debate...i dun even know wat i'm talking about! i think ppl also dun understand wat i'm trying to say...gees...when can i communicate at ease in english? sometimes i wonder since when i had such huge problem speaking english...it wasnt like that last time...

next week is my one week break...tot i can rest but seems like i cant...mon and tue got camp...i kinda regretted joining esp after seeing the ppl at the briefing on last wed...sian~ then wed i have to trying to do my assignment...thurs is for discussions...fri there is a gathering...yah then one week will be gone juz like that...and i still have so much work to catch up...how~

it seems like there is lesser time for myself...time management is my major problem and i seriously need to plan my stuff properly...why am i always so busy? and wat am i busy with...

hai~ i abit scare for physio le...though i have been trying to keep up...i scare i fail the test...have to keep my fingers crossed at all times man..

as u can see...my tots are in random now...which means...i really need to sleep le...

side notes: i planted balasm with my fren..hopefully it'll grow...

my babies...o my babies....gone...

so blue...

true enough my sunflower babies withered under my hands!!! damn damn!!! shouldn't have moved them...or like wat my lecturer said shouldn't have touched them too much when transfering them...now they're like dying...gone gone....my poor babies...

think i can only grow cactus...even cactus died under my hand before...o man...is there any other plants that are more hardy and can withstand my rough handling...urgh...stupid stupid stupid...

suddenly i'm kinda daunted by this question....do i have the ability to keep doggies...wah wat if they die under my hands too..how...i cannot take that le...

i must say i am still guilty for making that hamster died last time...due to my ignorance...thought it could survive solely on veggy without giving it water....stupid right...no wonder the very last day of this poor fellow...its body was like suddenly so skinny...it wasnt until lately that i realised it's my fault...cos that hamster was smuggled back by my bro from china...haha...i tot it couldnt get used to the weather here and died...o man..it's me.....hai~

gotta get back to work...tired...bye babies...sob sob~

i'm so dead....

this is red alert man...am so up to my neck already....procrastinating like a stupid idiot for the past few weeks! o man what am i doing....i seem to lose all the discipline i'm left with.

physio test is in one week's time...though i hve kept up reading to chap 11... i have this feeling i need to read them on more time...again!

have counselling session to shoot...hopefully can be done within one or two days...have debate next week too...have to prepare...i scare i gabra....o no...i'm never good in debating using english...chinese i may be able to do so but english i'm sure to stammer man...

am starting to feel abit draining...cos of training...think i got too much of it...someone used to ask me whether i'm sian about going for training so frequently...i'm fine with it...but now that i have to juggle with my schl work...i felt stretched...i can't help but feel the same scenario replaying....like the time when i spent way too much time on ccs...my grades suffered...i suffered...for 2 freaking yrs...history cant repeat itself...not on me...

the only thing i'm glad is that my sunflower sprouted!!! muah haha....at least it shows that i still have a little hope in gardening...gonna transfer my babies to bigger pots tomolo!!! may u all grow strong and healthy! hahahahaha

ihopeimnotlosingu

i totally have no idea wat to write...spent my public hols rotting at home and watching tv...how unproductive...o man and i'm suppose to be an ot....

great...sat went out for dinner with my frens...ate at magic wok...food is not bad and pretty reasonable too...actaully i dun care about the food...i juz wanna sit down with my frens and eat with them...their presence and company are good enough for me...i guess it's becos sometimes i fear that not meeting often with them will prone to us drifting apart...insecurities...that's me...
we went to a coffee place at arts house too...the out of tune singing and guitar playing nearly stop us from going in...but alright...we still settle on that place...atmosphere is good and cosy...juz minus the singing...

i need to buck up in my work...havent been able to concentrate fully...i'm trying very hard...cant lose my grip now or i'll go crazy....have to be more discipline...damn it...

o yah i finally baked my pendant...heng it came out nice and not chao ta...it's so fun...and hopefully the seeds we planted today will sprout into little plants...and hopefully my sunflower and petite orange will grow....i'm not a very plant person...remembered that a bonsai i was so hoping it will grow sorta die under my 'care'...hai i think i can only get more satisfaction thru arts and craft....anyway if u're wondering how come i have so much time to do all these...well...it's part of our lesson to do them....haha fun eh...love my course....

gotta run...have to study....ciao~ everyone