here i am whining again...slept at 8 last nite...concussed totally cos the nite before i slept less than 3 hours rushing my presentation slides...

havent been quite myself lately...with so many things happening i actually pulled thru without breaking down...tot i'm gonna screwed up my presentation but it went alright...still have some other stuff to rush...juz mean that i'll sleep less and eat less...good way to lose weight though...i'll pamper myself after attachment...face breaking down man...sux

putting up a front at work is easy...i'll juz need to smile and carry out treatment with them...they wont know how tired i am inside...

but i cant seem to mask my expression in front of my frens...i know they shouldnt be the ones taking those crap that i havent snapped out from...

sigh...with the past two relationships...it juz get worst towards the end...first break up was via phone...second was via sms...why is it so hard to say things face to face? i'm only worth 5 cents of the money to being told the truth...i tot better of him...sigh...cant help but feel that there is something wrong with me...how did i find two guys of similiar traits...yd said it's juz my luck...sigh i'm so darn lucky then...

enough whining...7 days to freedom...muah haha...i wanna colour my hair...cut my hair...tan away my dark circles and fats...wilful way of thinking but i'm always like that...no choice...attachment already makes me look haggard enough...plus the stress and failed r/s...i looked worst...must get my sporty look back...

fucked up...made a stupid mistake in clinical today...argh...one dumb mistake can ruin wat i've established...think i'm falling sick again...havent been eating and sleeping much cos rushing reports and stuff...so screwed...

feeling miserable now...hangover...i tot i'll cry my hearts out last nite since i'm with the gals drinking...but none happened...i'm still the tipsy me...giggly and all...why cant i juz cry my hearts out...

was totally gone...i had no recollection on how i've gotten out of the pub and ended by the beach...and my back is filled with bruises...sorry gals...u must have had a hard time handling me...

messed up now...something i tot didnt happen actually did...argh...

am so not sober now...feel like puking still....sigh....

everything is replacable...esp me...i can be replaced so darn easily...

i cant wait!! wala wala...i miss unexpected so much!!

peifen...thank you for the hairclip...felt much better after talking to u...thanx for sacrificing ur time to be with me...i know i always whine alot and poor u have to take it all the time...i really hope we can go backpacking next year after me and min grad...hehe u better save up now man...i'm so darn envious of ur nz trip! so fun!

wanna get out of singapore...the urge of doing it is getting stronger esp when i'm graduating in one year's time...been thinking about it since years back...wonder if i can survive out of singapore...watever it is i'll only know when i get to try it...it'll be fun if i can work as an OT in other countries...

anyway darn tired...dunno why...hasnt been eating much...been drinking lots of coffee though...
keep myself awake during the day...but making myself tired with my work at nite...so that i can zonk out into sleep straight away...hehe...tomolo nite...i hope i dun end up by the toilet bowl...

i'll be getting belated presents from gal friends...hehe how sweet is tat...yd, where is mine??go shopping after my attachment has ended??

i've juz splurged on a skirt and a top yesterday....eek...spending too much =p

i need a drink...ray...if u read my blog...can we go happy daz this sat? i promise i wont make u clean up my puke like u did at ktv that nite...i'll notify u first? haha...and pls dun use smelly plastic bag on me...

went to observe a surgery yesterday...elbow fracture...it's really cool...a little bloody and gruesome...but am quite amazed by the surgeon...he drilled and hammered the bone as though it's juz a piece of wood...next time if i ever need to go for operation...i think i'll be scared to death cos basically u're lying there unconscious, leaving everything to the surgeons...whether he can fix it well or not...u wont know...watching the surgery was quite fun..me and the other therapist are so much shorter that the surgeon gave us stool juz so that we can have a better view of his operation...

i cant wait for the attachment to end...but first i need to finish my presentation slides and report which i havent started...eek...

i need closure...perhaps i shouldnt depend on the other party to do it...cos i dunnoe when it'll happen...i dun wanna drag cos i owe it to myself to be happy...i'll close this chapter myself...afterall i've given myself 3 days...to cry, to mourn, to filter things out...

i guess clinical kinda distracted me...but it's not easy to deal with so much shit at the same time... i juz have to deal with them somehow...like it or not...

sigh...pretty bubbles that i tot will not burst so soon finally go disappearing into thin air...i know these bubbles wont last..juz didnt expect it'll go off so soon...i had my happy times...i've cried, i've laughed, i've tried loving someone and i've gotten myself hurt...it's all about choices...i cant blame anyone else...in fact there's no need to...i dun hate him for ending the r/s the way he did...i juz stop loving him...end of chapter...

o...i told mom bout my plan of moving out after i find a job...she seemed okie with it...and i've checked out on the amt needed to go oversea for degree conversion too...i really hope i can do that...arh but i need sugar daddy first...haha

again...tiredness overcoming me...gotta nap...ciao~

sigh...fell sick...headache and tummy ache...sian...have to make up for clinical...later have to go see doc to get mc...

com is hanging on me constantly...arh...damn it...all bad things come at the same time...testing my limits...

damn gotta visit the toilet again...ciao~

ck...thanx for acc me today...sorry u have to put up with my face...and that u have to keep smiling to cheer me up...

yd...ur words meant alot to me...thanx for calling to check on me...

simin and peifen...muack...thanx...i'm really looking forward to going travelling with u gals...need to get away from s'pore...been dying to do that...

i guess i'm back to singlehood...nah... i'm fine...aint crying...i'm done with that few days ago...at the moment i'll juz have to supress my emotions so that i can get thru my clinicals...when is my breaking point? mm i dunno...i have to be strong..i have to be fine...appear to be fine at least...i dun have a choice...cos i know ppl around me will be worried...

it doesnt matter to me anymore...whether to meet up or not...decisions are pretty much set isnt it...wont bug u anymore...i'll juz need to pass u some stuffs...if u really cant face me...then perhaps i'll either pass it to ur fren or leave it at ur door step...

i'm tired...need to sleep...been sleeping but still feel tired...tonnes of work awaiting for me...think next few nites dun need to sleep le...but what to do...that's life regardless of u being happy or not....argh i need a drink...perhaps after attachment i'll do that...

feeling numbed now...i dunno wat to say...i juz realised i'm actually not worth fighting for...is it something wrong with me..

so...being too nice and understanding is actually something that can be given up so easily...it happened once...it happened again...u think it's fair to me that i wont suffer further...but i guess the impact of being given up affects me more than anything...

whatever it is i dun think i can control it...if u think u actually feel better without me...then we'll juz have to leave it...but if u think u're willing to take up the challenge...i'll be taking it up with u...


i'm having a competition later...wish me luck...damn i havent been training and now i have to play...eek....okie i go read papers...

aint feeling too good...

i tried so darn hard not to cry...but i did..

it's not about clinical...i'll never cry no matter how hard clinical is...

i cant hold it...so i juz let it out when i took the bus home...i hate to cry..esp over something i cant control...but ironically it always happened...it doubles my silliness which i already am quite severe in it...

tomolo is my mid way eval...wish my luck...

another week has past..i've seen 13 pts today...and surprisingly my sup say i quite zai so far cos i dun seem stress treating so many pts...mm i wonder why too...perhaps i like to be busy...cos time passed faster...work work work then lunch time..<30 min lunch break then work work work again...then soon knock off time...isnt it good...then u wont have extra time to idle around...no time to think of other stuff...no time to even go toilet...

called whole bunch of freshies...call till i wanna puke...now i'm seeing stars...tired man...everyday i'm seeing pts till i see stars too...dealing with club stuffs and clinical...can be quite tiring...luckily i have good committee to help me with my club stuff...really grateful for that...

i'm pushing myself again...as though to numb myself emotionally and mentally...i dun wanna feel vexed with problems...juz wanna be happy with wat i'm doing and be contented with the things i have...do i still take things for granted? mm i hope not...always reminding myself not to...am i being taken for granted then...mm i dunnoe...hope not too...

eh seeing stars...dun noe wat i'm typing...gonna sleep...

busy morning i had...monday morning it's always hectic...i'm in my 2nd week going to third and i'm like seeing 8 pts already...time pass faster when i'm doing stuff...good...i like it that way...though that means it's more demanding for me...

i juz hope i'll be more careful and not make stupid mistakes again...keep missing little stuff when i'm doing my documentation...shall take note of that..

this morning...i woke up late...so took a cab down...bloody hell...dunno where a green spider pop out from...it crawled from my hand onto my face! yucks...i fling it to the floor and squash it flat...haha...heng it's not poisonous...

i feel like screaming now...who can i scream to? myself and my pillow...arh...

i'll be fine...
things will be alright...
i'll be strong...
i'll not cry...
i'll not scream...
i'll survive...
i'll be sane...
i'll be good...
i'll be alright...

yah...like real...

friday nite...
yippee...bought a skirt from fox women...happy...cos i havent bought any clothes for a long long time...

had dinner with ck and was shopping with him...yd joined us later...shop around bugis and orchard...most of the shop were closed by then....so we ended up chatting at wheelock starbucks till 1++am....i miss talking to them! feel so good to chat with the guys....juz talked about anything and updating each other...


sat nite...went drinking...wanted to go wala...but ended up in zee10...not bad...we had fun...though it would have been better if we can go wala...i miss drinking...and last nite was really something i needed since attachment...gals thanx so much for the gifts and all...
after drinking we went ktv to sing...but i ended up sleeping in the room...haha....didnt get to sing much...too bad...next time maybe....

met up with peifen and simin juz now...peifen juz came back from new zealand...boy am i envious...looking at the photos she had taken makes me wanna go too...places there are darn pretty lar...
btw we kinda confirm that we'll be going KL in july after my attachment...so fun! it'll be the first trip ever for the 3 of us after so long! looking forward to it! yeah all thanx to simin who so wanted to go in the first place...haha

actually right now i'm not feeling too good...worried about club crawl and attachment...sigh...and my baby is gonna go for camp again...guess it's another week of not seeing him...sometimes i wonder will i ever get use to this...sigh...wat can i say...i'm trying to...

Finally, i meet my baby after a week of not seeing him...

had simple dinner at harour front hawker centre and then head home to rest...

i know u're tired...can see from ur face and how fast u fell asleep in the train...i know u made the effort to come down alexandra to meet me cos u said u'll do that during lunch time... i'm happy enough =)

have been taking down notes for my clinical for the pass one hour or so...need to take a break before i start having phobia about hands...

quite funny...i borrowed a goniometer from my sup on fri cos i wanna go home practise the measurement of the bending angle of the digits...took it to camp with me..and i ended up measuring my squashies' hands during the camp...haha actually i only started out with my committee members then the others juz willingly lend me their hands after that...haha so cute..esp the twins...

slept for 14 hours since last nite...can u imagine that...i havent had this kinda luxury since long ago...was sleeping like a dead pig by 8.30pm and none of my family members knew i was home...sis-in-law even tot i went out again and sms me to ask wat time i'll be home...she said i blend so well with my bed that none of them notice me sleeping...-_-"

will go jogging if i'm not feeling lazy...woo hoo...got new earphones...hooked to the ear kind...now i dun have to keep adjusting it while i jog..cos the previous one keep dropping out...damn irritating...

weather is good...for the first time i didnt take any nap even when it rained...muah haha...mm...something is not right...if yk knows he'll have said this " you're not jiahui! u're fake! where is the real piggy jiahui?" muah haha

really really tired...right now i cant even open my eyes to the usual size that it suppose to be...

camp juz ended...i cant say it's a very very good camp...but at least we accomplished wat we suppose to do...good enough...at least nothing major cropped up...

pretty fun last nite...walking around with committee at the schl's track...wah...can see alot of stars le...it's so unsual to see so many stars in s'pore...so all of us were like standing on the track staring at the sky for very long...so nice...

sigh...think i'm old le...cant stay up for long...wanted to paint banner with the gals thru the nite..end up i slept at 3,4+ till morning...still, i'm tired the whole day...trying to pull thru the day despite my aching head...sian...

another thing is...i gave my classmate's chalet a miss...so so sorry regina...i wanted to go down straight from schl but had too many stuff to carry home...really sorry about that...but i do hope that u like the present...

so sweet..dylan actually planned a surprise 21st birthday party for regina at east coast chalet...wonder how everything turned out...o man missed out so many things..first is...class chalet and now this...feel so far away from my classmates...wont see them for another month le...so lonely...hai~ like outcast le...except that i aint out of the group cos i'm weird but becos i'm busy with other stuff...argh...sian

no life...no life...no life....

morning: bright and energized...looking forward to the day as best as i can...attachment is pretty interesting...abit stressful cos sup demands quite abit...but so far she's pretty nice...others like TAs and other OTs in the hospital are nice and friendly too....juz like one big family...with my sup being the mother hen...haha

evening: dead tired...i have been sleeping like a dead fish in the train on my way home for these two days...kinda like a natural thing for me do already...cant help it...i've used up my energy to sustain my alertness during the placement...

bro juz threw tantrum really badly...i guess he's stressed up about his 3 weeks china trip...sigh...poor thing

right now...i'm sleepy...tired...as usual...think i'm gonna take a nap then read up then check on my squash gals...sigh..i'm really sorry for not being able to do the stuff with u two...i'm sorry for having u two to run the camp first...really thankful to have the two of u

nite time...i always start missing hairul...have been receiving his calls at round 2,3 am...good enough since he's away for camp in malaysia...and with the bad reception hearing his voice is comforting enough...

gtg...i'll try to survive this week...next week i'll be even more stressed up...sup is gonna ask alot of qn man...cham...have to take in as much infor as possible...

one more day to attachment...one more day....

what have i been doing? settling squash stuff as best as i can...trying to read up 'hands' stuff...which reminds me...everytime it comes to 'hands'...i'm always hugging buddha's leg...except that this time round nikki is not with me...i'm alone...

managed to spend time with hairul today...nice...felt more settled and very much contented being with him the whole day...i know i can be difficult at times...i appreciate him for tolerating my tantrums, mood swings and my fickle-mindedness...i always try to think of a win-win situation for the both of us which can turn out pretty upsetting and bizarre sometimes...sorry for making things difficult...

the talk over the phone last nite...i truly appreciate that too...it puts me at ease knowing that we both are trying to make the best out of this relationship...nothing is easy...we both are aware of that...but at least we are happy with wat we have now...
thank u baby...

i guess i have to start singing my helium voice song...i will survive...need to pull thru this week...
reality...i need to face it...

predicted mood for the next few days: fucked-up mood...

need to sort things out...all my plans have to be re-arranged due to the last min changes...need to gear up for my placement...

actually right now i'm pretty panicky inside...am suppressing my feelings, emotions, mood, blah blah...i dun have time for all those things...watever it is i'll have to pull thru it...i'll juz have to see how far i can stretch myself till...

sigh...sucky day...bloody luck...

i think god has been giving me signs all these while...first, hairul gotten fractures for his wrists...then is apple telling me how sucky her job interview was at AH....then is sid always asking me if i get hands placement how....

yesterday...gotten a call from HB...asking if i can start my placement next wed...hands placement at alexandra hospital...i'm like...huh...i can say no meh...sigh...wah biang...hols cut short...squash camp coming...club crawl preparation on the way...like that i'm gonna die lah in 2 weeks time...

comforting thing is...hairul is finally back from his trekking...hehe...

have to thank yd and yk for talking to me and keeping me sane...yeah went wala last nite...still as fun as ever...too bad cant stay there for long....hopefully will get a chance to go there again...soon...haha...

can't u let me stay home for awhile longer and do my own stuff...

u said i can do it when i'm free...why are u pressing me about it then...it's juz a bank book...maybe to you it's super important...but i'll get it done by the end of the week...

told u i'm tired...and tired of having to travel to schl for 4 days out of a week...which is why i wanna stay home for as long as i can...but i dun think u get it...perhaps u dun see why i cant get out of the house earlier and u dun understand why i'm going to schl so frequently despite the fact that it's schl hols...whatever it is...i will do whatever u want me to do...i'll get it done alright....

it brings me back to my sec schl years...
i rem i told u once that i was selected to be president for my chinese cultural society club...
i told u with excitment and a tinge of pride...i was expecting u to be happy for me and the very least, supportive of your daughter...
'arh...why president...can u not take it?' was ur response...
wat can i say? wat can i do? it seems like my parents aint impress or proud of it...
perhaps that's when i stop informing them much about myself except for trival stuffs...
cos i know wat their response will be..

i wonder if they're ever proud of me...