I will always pick myself up no matter what happens...it's no big deal...really...

But why did I tear after I typed this msg. I was so good, so so good in controlling my emotions. Yet, when I was done typing these words, tears just welled up...

Pulling myself out is the hardest decision to make but I have to, I need this self preservation act in order to survive.

I am tired of pushing for us to talk, pushing for this, pushing for that. I am tired of throwing something or complain about something at you in order to get some response, attention or feedback. I would like to think that I have given you ample time and opportunities...now I am just so tired.

I dun want to talk anymore. Now I just want to run, and I have to let you know I am very good at it.

I miss us...

Seeing you, reminded me of what I've lost...

Seeing what you have beside you, reminded me of how unfair the world is that you've got everything but I have to give up on mine just so I can survive...

This ripple effect is not doing me good and it keeps reminding me of the past...

Sometimes, I need to know that I am of certain importance to you, not just soccer-important or work-important but important-cos-I-mean-something-kind of important...

Sometimes, I need to know that I will be included in your plans, like how I include you in mine, just so that the uncertainties will not have a chance to delude me and having me engulfed by the paranoid-cum-insecurity monster...

I used to think it will be different this time round. Things used to look so promising, you definitely looked more promising...

The reason I cried so hard the other night was not because of your uncertainty about me but because I realized we have both reached the stage where we start to be unsure of each other and that the reality of having to part might just be one of the options.

This really upsets me alot...I really thought this is IT...that I am done searching...

If this is not working...I seriously have no idea what to do next...

Maybe it is just not meant to be...

I had the chance but I gave it up...it slipped and it felt like that may just be the only time...sigh...

Looking at where I am now, perhaps it's a sign that I should focus my life on something else...studies or traveling...

I should just give up...

Running on empty...

I think as I get older, my energy level really dip significantly. I can no longer stay up late, wake up early the next morning and be all bubbly the whole darn day; I whined so much more, mainly about being tired and lack of energy.

I tried to jog on alternate days on the first week of the year, I ended up more exhausted than ever. I tried to be more positive and expected less of everything but I turned out getting even more disappointed.

Did I lose the ability to be independent along the way? Did I lose the ability to think and be self sufficient emotionally? Did I lose the ability to be simple and contended?

I was never that strong to begin with. All the failing and getting back on my feet made me who I am now but it also exhausted me to a certain extend. I just wish I have that someone who can be stronger and allow me to lean upon from time to time.

It is so hard to find happiness, so hard to sustain it. Is it selfish of me to ask to be treated better? Is it wrong of me to ask for more? Sometimes I even ask myself, do I deserve it?

I dun think I have broken down into uncontrollable sobs since two years ago. I have never done that in front of anyone. Tearing perhaps but never uncontrollable sobs because I am too proud to do that in front of others. Plus I often looked like a wreck after that. Seriously, I dun know what came over me last Sunday that I allowed that to happen, on your lap, in your presence. Is it the sense of helplessness or the sense of loss? That I can never get what I have always wanted. Maybe that's what you have been feeling and I should be more understanding...of all people, I should be...

Maybe we need to start building ourselves up again before deciding what to do next. Maybe taking a step back and focus on what we should be concentrating on individually will be a better idea. Minimal hurt, minimal dilemma, minimal disappointment, minimal uncontrollable sobs...

Yippee...

Okie, I can't sleep...So might as well write something...

Kid of mine scored really well in his O Level...like 8 points! Dude...I was over the moon though he was not too please with his results...still...I am really really happy for him...

One happy thing happened...not to me but at least it's something to cheer upon...I'm glad...

At least something good is happening =)

2011

First jog of the year, it felt good, it cleared my mind alittle...

But...why do I still feel like crap deep down...

New Year Resolution...

Start building myself up again...

Start exercising...get rid of that flabby tummy...

Get the stupid freaking license already!!!

~Sigh~

I dun think I am that good at mothering and giving in to an adult constantly...

I want to be able to lean on that someone who can be my pillar, who can be strong enough to tell me what I should be doing and not the other way round...

I want to be pampered and babied...

Now I feel like I am this mean person...who is supposed to provide reality checks and turns out to be this unsupportive bitch...

Maybe stepping back to be just a friend is easier to deal with this than being more than how it is...

~lost~

seriously...where should I stand? I was hoping the jog will give me some inspiration...but i guess not...

Woo...been three months or so since I last touched this space...

Plain lazy...busy or just...cannot be bothered...A combination of 3 I guess...

Currently am feeling very tired (what's new) and trying to psych myself to do my work...sigh...always...

Been a fairly good year I guess...except for the constantly falling sick part...

Over this year...I think some part of me remain the same...some part died along the way...

Still stupidly naive in this thing call 'relationship' and waiting for someone who is romantic enough to sweep me off the ground for good...

Still incapable of dealing with hope and disappointment...I guess the key is...dun raise my hope and get me all excited and then drop me to let me crash and die on the spot....

I.cannot.deal.with.that....

I feel like taking a long break from everything but I know financially that is not possible...just got to grit my teeth and go through this...

How long can I stand this...I dun know...but I do know I am feeling pretty depressed at the moment despite knowing that I pretty much have what I need right now...

Exactly what is lacking? What? I cannot pin point what is it...and that irks me...a hell lot...

Am I so broken to the extend that the emptiness forbade me to feel contentment?

Lost it...again...

I blew up...once again...

I'm tired...my immune system has been pretty down...

I did not expect myself to blow over your casual comments but I did...

I know you didn't mean it but it still hurt to hear it albeit not directly to me...

I do try to help...maybe in your eyes it is ultimately not substantially enough...

Work...come back home...play with kitty...bring her downstairs so that I can relieve you guys for awhile...by the time all has been done, it will be late...I will be drained...

Reports piling up...so I try to do as much at night...

I feel like a single mom...I am tired...

Maybe it was not your remark that upset me...just that it triggered everything and I could not hold it anymore...

I think I have not cried like that since I broke up with banker...and it continued till sat and sun nights...so silly right...

To me, it's like a slap in the face, nothing I do is good enough...

Sometimes I ask myself, why do I try so hard?

Perhaps I need to be alone, to learn how to love myself once again, to learn how to love myself more.

I always think that giving in and being understanding play a big part in the relationship. One day your partner will appreciate it...one day your partner will do the same...one day he will not find the little things you deem important, a chore or embarassment but will generally do it for you because it's you...

Yes...one day...

Maybe there will never be this one day...cos I am just not that person...

I am tired of waiting for this one day...

I am so tired...that I am thinking of running away...

About numbers...

Not motivated to blog much lately...

I cant believe it's been 6 years since I last started blogging! I actually have that much of rubbish to write online that can last me through the 6 years...hahaha...weird...

It's been 2 years since I'm back from Melbourne...I still miss the place...and I still so desperately wanna go back...

It's been 1 year since you stood by the door and asked me the question...funny how time flies...hmm...

The one and only costume party that we ever attempted...

This was where it all began...The crazy night we had two years ago...















Time flies...and it brought so much FOND memories even till today...

You guys can't deny that my teeny-weeny-tipsy mistake created this great memories of ours...

I can imagine 10 years down the road, you guys will still be mocking me about the expired wine that I coaxed all of you to finish it for me and that everyone of you so spontaneously and willingly did...

Down to the bits of the 'zar zar' as well...(except for yk who revealed just last Sat, that he couldn't quite take it and poured his remaining out of MY window when we aint looking)...

Ah....so two years later...we realised red wine DOES expire...and there aint suppose to have ANY 'zar zar' aka residual in the liquid...

Of all these reminiscings, what cracked me up was the mention that it actually tasted like prune juice...

Admist the hysterical laughters...it suddenly hit me---YYYYES! THAT was exactly the taste of that drink that very night!

OMG!!!

After two freaking years, my friends actually remembered the taste!

I must have traumatized them so much that, over the two years, with their many many Many MANY drinking occasions...the taste of my expired wine still has that special place on their palate!

I hereby sincerely apologize for the trauma I have put my friends through...But seriously...

Prune juice...

I cannot help but laugh even when typing this out...maybe it was after that round of 'prune juice' that we all went haywire...

I wonder...

why am I so unmotivated? Is it due to the fact that I'm lack of sleep and feeling sickish all the time...

when will he put our picture as the profile pic...not for the sake of putting but that he genuinely wants to...or even happy to do so...

why my tolerance level for kitty is higher than for the boys...

why I no longer read in the train but play with my ds lite instead...

when I can snap out of this depressive mode...been awhile...or am I just trying to avoid it thinking I am truly okay...

why I am back to the seasonal menstrual cycle when previously everything was alright...am I really that stressed?

Feeling extremely out of sort...

not productive at all...

Wish you were here...

Love is...

When you're tired but still made your way down to where ever I am...

When we shared and laughed at silly silly jokes...

When we are comfortable with each other, be it in silence...or be it with you playing the games and us laughing hysterically at your super mario plunging down the cliff...

Doing things that you feel awkward but will still do it for me...

When you made the effort to be with me...and accepting me for who I am...

Not just any other Saturday night...

I have nearly forgotten how fun it was to just hang out even if it's late into the night...even if I'm sickish and tired after work...

It was super fun to meet up and have curry fish head together at the place we used to go many years back...

It was fun to have ice cream together and share with the each other the different nice-weird-accquired taste ice cream...

It was nice to drive around, to get lost together and then to sit down at a fast food outlet to just drink and chit chat...

It was great hanging out with the two peeps who love me so much and who can laugh and criticize me openly...I just need this kind of quality time in which I can talk and trash things out...I just need someone whom I know will do anything and everything to make me happy...

At least I know I am important to them as they are to me...and I know no matter what, they'll think of and look out for me...

At least for the two of them...I know for sure...and I am really really grateful for that...really...

It sux to be an adult and to fall sick...

Mom only asked what happened and then went out...

Dad blasted the tv, shocking the hell out of the drowsy me...I had to tune the tv volume down myself...

Bf had a tiring day and ended up falling asleep while talking to me...always...

Lucky me...I do love myself enough to drag the hell out of me to see the doc...and then drag myself back home to sleep...

Where is all the TLC I am supposed to get from the loved ones...

Today...I thought I can have some TLC...but nope...

Ended work at 8 plus and all alone...

Didnt know what to do, dun feel like having dinner, I ended up buying stuffs...

welcome to the adult world...

be mindful...you're on your own and it sux big time...

When I say I'm tired...I am...

Why is it that when I said I'm tired, you would still bring over the manual and sit beside me and started asking me questions...

It's not that I dun wanna help...I did...I took a deep breath and I read the stuff and brief you how to use it...

But it's upsetting that you actually disregard how I fucking feel...

sigh I'm really tired...cant you just at least acknowledge it...

Thank you, oki buta aka butt master aka yingkai...

I know a girl named jiahui (not jia hui), jiahui is true and nice to everyone, everybody likes her she has many friends and jiahui was happy, but dark clouds began to cover jiahui's sky, rain fell and like a sunflower without sunlight, jiahui almost withered in the darkness. Fortunately, jiahui perservered and the rain stopped, clouds began to clear and the sun began shining, jiahui slowly remembers how to be happy again, strangely in jiahui's pursuit of happiness, i grew distant from her, at times, i panciked at the tot of losing a friend n wonders wad can be done to shorten the distance, until one day, when jiahui smsed me and we began chatting, through the short exchanges of messages, memories of the past were evoked and i realised there r so many things abt jiahui that i know, thats impossible to shake off, thats when i realised distance between jiahui n me might be widening, but it just takes simple short interactions to shorten the distance substantially, ha..there arent many ppl in my life that im able to do that with, most ppl just drift apart and never reconcile. so to my dear friend aka fatimah, joojooba, piggy, left butt cheek, of 14 years, (which is half of our current lifetime) happy birthday!