5 years ago and 5 years now...

5 years ago, I had my first vote. I still remember vividly what happened and how I had to rush from one place to another. I was this naive, hopelessly in love girl who thought everything was going on blissfully for her...

I wonder why I didn't walk away, why I didn't protect myself or love myself enough to walk away. Why was I not proud of myself enough to know that I should have been gone and not turned back. Exactly what was holding me back.

5 years now, I had my second vote. Everything has changed. I got out of that horrid relationship and am in a new relationship.

I want to say that I have changed. I have learnt to love myself alittle more. But ironically, it is sad to say, not enough. Not enough to protect the entire me and my pride. Not enough to stop me from giving in. I still give in. I still give in enough to give up my pride sometimes. Did I read too much romance to think that by trying and giving in, things will work out eventually and everything will be good just like those fairy tales.

5 years from now, when I get the opportunity to vote again, I want to be different from where I am and how I am feeling right now. I want to be able to love myself. Love myself enough to know that although it will be painful, I owe it to myself to reject so that I will no longer be short changed.

One step at a time, I will reach there. I have to.

Yeah! Happy! Finally after so long!

So happy! Still pretty hyped up about today!

Peifen specially gotten the car so that she could drive me around for brunch and Biennale as well. Thank you so much for the effort and time! Thank you so much for loving me!

I mean how sweet can one be...she knows that I have not been to riders cafe nor Prive before and hence suggested us going to one of these places to kinda pre-celebrate my birthday! =)

O and I'm gonna go watch Kylie's concert with Gage and the boys! So exciting! I think I'm slowly picking myself and my life up! Feel so blessed to have so many friends who love me and willing to spend time with me!

Okie...anyway I need to put up my wish list for this year:
1. Nice tote bag
2. SK ll 'miracle water' (to help my face achieve that kinda glow-from-within look)
3. Cosmetics (anything from lipsticks, blusher, mascara etc.)

I cannot think of anything else...

I shall remind myself to not expect too much so that I will not get disappointed!

I have the choice and I always do...just need to keep reminding myself that!

Birthday is coming...

I wish for...

Health

Love

Friendship

Strength

not feeling too well atm...to be continued...

It's back...

I have been trying to fight it but it's back...and it's eating me up once again...It's making everything looks ugly again...

I have turned into this person who cannot let go nor look beyond what is presented...I want to let go of it and move on but I can't...I tried to move ahead, something will drag me back and I will go back to harp on it...again and again and again...and it just spirals downwards into the bottomless hole...

I am back to this insecure creature who is so unsure of herself and so lack of confidence...

Where did my self esteem go? Where did my dignity go? I feel so out of control now and it's killing me inside...

Keep things in check...

Running: 26 and 27 April...

Biennale 2011: went on Sunday with Peifen...

Dental appointment: have yet to fix, perhaps this coming Monday!

Advance theory booking: to get it done in a week's time

Keep things in check...

To apply for advance theory and secure the date - in process

To go for dental checkup - probably next Monday.

Run/jog 3x a week - started 11 April (Monday)...

Visiting Biennale - next Sunday

Cannot sleep, throat is hurting badly. Sigh.

I think I should join more activities to keep myself healthy and alert and happy. Maybe from there I will get to know more people, new people...new meaning to life perhaps...

Love spending my Sunday doing more meaningful stuffs. Meeting friends, spending more time with them, knowing that they are doing alright and coping well, makes it all worthwhile despite me being tired.

I would love to spend more time with you but I reckon, you seem to need sleep/rest more than the need to spend time with me. To keep myself happy, I pull myself out, and get myself busy.

Hate to do this but I have to constantly remind myself to be strong for myself cos no one else will and it is not any one's responsibility to do so. Even if there is this person who promises that he will be my pillar, it is only temporary. Everything will go back to square one eventually. Nothing last...I should have known...

Things to get settled...

Post the cheque - checked

Haircut and colour - checked

To apply for advance theory and secure the date - in process

To go for dental checkup - in process

Run/jog 3x a week - psyching in process

Visiting Biennale - next Sunday

Bug gage about his job status - always in process...

I will always pick myself up no matter what happens...it's no big deal...really...

But why did I tear after I typed this msg. I was so good, so so good in controlling my emotions. Yet, when I was done typing these words, tears just welled up...

Pulling myself out is the hardest decision to make but I have to, I need this self preservation act in order to survive.

I am tired of pushing for us to talk, pushing for this, pushing for that. I am tired of throwing something or complain about something at you in order to get some response, attention or feedback. I would like to think that I have given you ample time and opportunities...now I am just so tired.

I dun want to talk anymore. Now I just want to run, and I have to let you know I am very good at it.

I miss us...

Seeing you, reminded me of what I've lost...

Seeing what you have beside you, reminded me of how unfair the world is that you've got everything but I have to give up on mine just so I can survive...

This ripple effect is not doing me good and it keeps reminding me of the past...

Sometimes, I need to know that I am of certain importance to you, not just soccer-important or work-important but important-cos-I-mean-something-kind of important...

Sometimes, I need to know that I will be included in your plans, like how I include you in mine, just so that the uncertainties will not have a chance to delude me and having me engulfed by the paranoid-cum-insecurity monster...

I used to think it will be different this time round. Things used to look so promising, you definitely looked more promising...

The reason I cried so hard the other night was not because of your uncertainty about me but because I realized we have both reached the stage where we start to be unsure of each other and that the reality of having to part might just be one of the options.

This really upsets me alot...I really thought this is IT...that I am done searching...

If this is not working...I seriously have no idea what to do next...

Maybe it is just not meant to be...

I had the chance but I gave it up...it slipped and it felt like that may just be the only time...sigh...

Looking at where I am now, perhaps it's a sign that I should focus my life on something else...studies or traveling...

I should just give up...

Running on empty...

I think as I get older, my energy level really dip significantly. I can no longer stay up late, wake up early the next morning and be all bubbly the whole darn day; I whined so much more, mainly about being tired and lack of energy.

I tried to jog on alternate days on the first week of the year, I ended up more exhausted than ever. I tried to be more positive and expected less of everything but I turned out getting even more disappointed.

Did I lose the ability to be independent along the way? Did I lose the ability to think and be self sufficient emotionally? Did I lose the ability to be simple and contended?

I was never that strong to begin with. All the failing and getting back on my feet made me who I am now but it also exhausted me to a certain extend. I just wish I have that someone who can be stronger and allow me to lean upon from time to time.

It is so hard to find happiness, so hard to sustain it. Is it selfish of me to ask to be treated better? Is it wrong of me to ask for more? Sometimes I even ask myself, do I deserve it?

I dun think I have broken down into uncontrollable sobs since two years ago. I have never done that in front of anyone. Tearing perhaps but never uncontrollable sobs because I am too proud to do that in front of others. Plus I often looked like a wreck after that. Seriously, I dun know what came over me last Sunday that I allowed that to happen, on your lap, in your presence. Is it the sense of helplessness or the sense of loss? That I can never get what I have always wanted. Maybe that's what you have been feeling and I should be more understanding...of all people, I should be...

Maybe we need to start building ourselves up again before deciding what to do next. Maybe taking a step back and focus on what we should be concentrating on individually will be a better idea. Minimal hurt, minimal dilemma, minimal disappointment, minimal uncontrollable sobs...

Yippee...

Okie, I can't sleep...So might as well write something...

Kid of mine scored really well in his O Level...like 8 points! Dude...I was over the moon though he was not too please with his results...still...I am really really happy for him...

One happy thing happened...not to me but at least it's something to cheer upon...I'm glad...

At least something good is happening =)

2011

First jog of the year, it felt good, it cleared my mind alittle...

But...why do I still feel like crap deep down...

New Year Resolution...

Start building myself up again...

Start exercising...get rid of that flabby tummy...

Get the stupid freaking license already!!!

~Sigh~

I dun think I am that good at mothering and giving in to an adult constantly...

I want to be able to lean on that someone who can be my pillar, who can be strong enough to tell me what I should be doing and not the other way round...

I want to be pampered and babied...

Now I feel like I am this mean person...who is supposed to provide reality checks and turns out to be this unsupportive bitch...

Maybe stepping back to be just a friend is easier to deal with this than being more than how it is...

~lost~

seriously...where should I stand? I was hoping the jog will give me some inspiration...but i guess not...

Woo...been three months or so since I last touched this space...

Plain lazy...busy or just...cannot be bothered...A combination of 3 I guess...

Currently am feeling very tired (what's new) and trying to psych myself to do my work...sigh...always...

Been a fairly good year I guess...except for the constantly falling sick part...

Over this year...I think some part of me remain the same...some part died along the way...

Still stupidly naive in this thing call 'relationship' and waiting for someone who is romantic enough to sweep me off the ground for good...

Still incapable of dealing with hope and disappointment...I guess the key is...dun raise my hope and get me all excited and then drop me to let me crash and die on the spot....

I.cannot.deal.with.that....

I feel like taking a long break from everything but I know financially that is not possible...just got to grit my teeth and go through this...

How long can I stand this...I dun know...but I do know I am feeling pretty depressed at the moment despite knowing that I pretty much have what I need right now...

Exactly what is lacking? What? I cannot pin point what is it...and that irks me...a hell lot...

Am I so broken to the extend that the emptiness forbade me to feel contentment?

Lost it...again...

I blew up...once again...

I'm tired...my immune system has been pretty down...

I did not expect myself to blow over your casual comments but I did...

I know you didn't mean it but it still hurt to hear it albeit not directly to me...

I do try to help...maybe in your eyes it is ultimately not substantially enough...

Work...come back home...play with kitty...bring her downstairs so that I can relieve you guys for awhile...by the time all has been done, it will be late...I will be drained...

Reports piling up...so I try to do as much at night...

I feel like a single mom...I am tired...

Maybe it was not your remark that upset me...just that it triggered everything and I could not hold it anymore...

I think I have not cried like that since I broke up with banker...and it continued till sat and sun nights...so silly right...

To me, it's like a slap in the face, nothing I do is good enough...

Sometimes I ask myself, why do I try so hard?

Perhaps I need to be alone, to learn how to love myself once again, to learn how to love myself more.

I always think that giving in and being understanding play a big part in the relationship. One day your partner will appreciate it...one day your partner will do the same...one day he will not find the little things you deem important, a chore or embarassment but will generally do it for you because it's you...

Yes...one day...

Maybe there will never be this one day...cos I am just not that person...

I am tired of waiting for this one day...

I am so tired...that I am thinking of running away...

About numbers...

Not motivated to blog much lately...

I cant believe it's been 6 years since I last started blogging! I actually have that much of rubbish to write online that can last me through the 6 years...hahaha...weird...

It's been 2 years since I'm back from Melbourne...I still miss the place...and I still so desperately wanna go back...

It's been 1 year since you stood by the door and asked me the question...funny how time flies...hmm...