You know your parents are trying to appease you, when they bought your favourite fruits (in my case is the strawberries) and by talking to you about things that are related to your work...

26 June 2011

'....I dun think you have loved me enough to want to be with me in a long run. If you dun see a future in us, let me go and let me move on.....'

Marriage doesn't guarantee anything at all. I know that. I heard that phrase all the time. But to hear it from a friend? To have a friend actually going through the process just make it oh so real...

The person next to you can be hiding the darkest secret from you. The person whom you love so so much can be shoving that skeleton so deep in the closet, crossing fingers that you will never ever find out.

It just makes me wonder, why did this marriage even start in the first place? Why my friend, who has such great personality, has to go through such dramatic situations...

I cannot imagine myself going through it...I hope she will come out stronger...she deserves to be happy...really...

My oldest nephew has reached the age, whereby he's curious to know my age and whether I'm gonna get married.

Funny I get alot of such questions from kiddos around this age. Is it a developmental phase that they will go through? Maybe it is at this stage, that they get curious about the adults' world. But who in the first place gave them the idea that adults reaching a certain age will necessarily be on the path to getting married and having babies? It's like they dun even need to be taught and they naturally know these stuffs at such young age!

Anyway, am really glad to see auggy and ben ben today...I miss the two boys...Auggy never fails to crack me up with his silly face and antics, like dashing for the toilet the moment he got home cos he really need to poo...Ben ben is ever so sweet and gentle...sharing his candies with me...And of cos kitty, who scratched me on the arm and kept saying she didnt wanna play with me cos i'm naughty and that she doesnt like me but continued to stick to me and gave me tonnes of hugs...

I'm glad to have them in my life...I hope they are glad to have me in theirs too...

You're like the daughter I'll never have...

Once again, you've saved my day...giving me the hugs and the kisses that melt my heart and brought smiles to my face...

I envy you, your abundant happiness, innocence and energy...

I miss carrying you around like a baby but I am happy that you are old enough to come to me, hold my hand and pull me along...even if it's just to get me to reach for something you can't reach...I love it when you try to comb and tie my hair...even if it means losing a few strands of hair from your tugging and pulling...

I hope you'll forever be the bubbly cutie pie that I love to cuddle with...

Someday, you're gonna grow up like your brothers and eventually, playing with me may not be such a fun idea anymore...

I hope that day will not come so soon...for I'll be very lost...very very lost...

I.GIVE.UP

So tired of acting strong, putting up a brave front and being the mean person...

Pls spare me the agony and just back off...

You think I want and like to act the way I did? If I dun stand up for myself who will? If I dun be firmed this time round, there will never be an end to it. It's only wednesday and I'm still up at this hour bawling my eyes out...how am I gonna survive through the week?

I am so tired...so tired of waiting...so tired of hoping...so tired of being crushed and be disappointed...

I give up...there is no such thing as love, there is no such thing as destiny...

There's no wrong in choosing to be alone and be happy being alone...

Question is...why am I feeling all so miserable at this point of time?

I dun ever want to forget this...

Look forward. You dun need someone else to survive. If the other is not a compliment, it's just a deadweight anyway...

Better alone than be in misery...

I'm done...

Sigh

Perhaps I cared too much and I talked too much too...

Time to just shut up and mind my own business...

Feeling alittle jaded. Hence the need to occupy myself with different ideas n different things. Not the best thing to do but that's the only way I can learn to be on my own...

Perhaps it's time to leave, so that I can move on with my life...

You ever said to me, not to leave cos you'll still be here...but I was never part of your journey...with or without me, I'm pretty sure you'll be able to adapt to my absence eventually...

I dun think you will ever want me bad enough to really want to be with me...

Love spending time with kitty...it's just amazing how fast she grows...now she can converse with you and give you the cutest answer you could ever get from a kid! Really fun to talk to her nowadays.

She can be quite bossy sometimes, telling you with a straight face that you absolutely need to blow your soup before drinking it cos it's too hot. Telling you that she loves to eat the stem of the veg but not the leaves cos they are too squishy. Reasoning with you that she is hitting you becos there is another boy in class who hit her, and when asked if she reported that to the teacher, she said no but she was so angry that she hit the boy back and the boy hit her back on the hand again...told her she need to tell the teacher or at least defend herself...she just gave a 'mmm' answer as though she really get what I mean by the word defend.

Today, she turned to me and cheekily called me "mummy" and said "mummy, bao bao..." - telling me to carry her....when she knows I'm not her mum...it melts my heart...sigh...too bad she's not mine to keep

2012!!!

Japan was superb! It was nice albeit the chilly wind and the cold rash that I had. Love the culture and the peeps there. I never knew I would like Japan, it was not even the place that I intend to visit in these few years but I am really glad that I went for this trip!

Food was great! More in love with Jap food than ever before! Love the people there. So cultured and polite. Not to mention so helpful too! Will never forget the geeky cute guy who came up to us on his own accord just because we looked so lost in front of the big map! Although he was not fluent in English, he still tried to help us along with the information we needed. Man...If he were to tell me that he would bring us to the eating place that we were looking for, I would have gladly followed him without a doubt =p

Now that I am back home. Everything is back to normal again. I am starting to feel stuck again, which is ridiculously fast to have such 'withdrawal symptom'!

Time to plan for the next trip!

Aim for this month :
Finish up paying my loan once and for all!
Finalise my driving test date
Look up for overseas work/study information

Whoop Whoop!

Heading to Japan for Xmas and New Year!

I wanna meet handsome Japanese boys! Will be even better if I can meet any one of the members of SMAP! hahahaha...

For the coming year, please give me strength to end whatever I need to end and to start afresh. Things are starting to fade, which is good I think. I dun get angry as much, I dun mind things that happened or not happened as much. I am starting to focus on myself more, perhaps not good enough in terms of loving myself more but I am getting there.

I will try to love myself more for 2012. I have to love myself more!

Standard Chartered Marathon 2011

Yes! I did it!

I did the first marathon of my life! Leg-breaking event...totally!

Alot of things went through my mind during this gruesome 42km run. At certain points, I really wanna cry cos it was just so so so lonely to run-walk on my own without any one to pull me along or push me ahead. But I still made it.

If I can do this thing alone, I think I can do anything alone =)

Most miserable weekends ever...it wasn't even fever..it's just endless itch. So bad that I dun even have the appetite for dinner and just popped the pills and slept thru my Saturday night.

Come to think of it, I dun know how I managed to pull thru Sat with back to back schedule. It's was the most tiring day ever. I've never dreaded work more. The fight against the drowsiness of the anti-histamine was really challenging. I could literally feel when the effects of the drug happened and when it started to tapper off...

Never have I felt so down and alone, itching and watching tv alone in the dark living room, hoping for the meds to work and stop the outbreak. I guess that's how single hood feel afterall....you're sick, you take care of yourself or wallow in your misery till you recover and is well enough to find the fun you should have in life...and the cycle goes on...

Sunday was bad...I was still itching and craved for more rest. But I had to help my mom deal with the two kiddos at home. It felt like I'm working overtime. I adore my nephews and niece but it's time like this that I want someone else to be keep an eye on them just for that little while. I tried to manage them as much so that my mom could cook the meals. Not fun when I had to manage the whiny girl and the fidgety Auggy who kept squashing me, treating me as his judo buddy and making me itch even more. I felt like screaming at my brother for all these but I couldn't cos I know he was equally tied up and tired. But I couldnt help but think the arrangement could have been better on his side at least.

Sometimes I ask myself - why am I trying so hard when obviously no one is appreciating it.

Sigh...

Exhausted

Wednesday felt like a Saturday. It was packed to the brim, with 15 minutes of lunch break. I had to run for toilet breaks. I had to gobble down my breakfast in the morning and gobble down my lunch in 15. Had 3 coffees to keep myself up...Stayed up till 3 am trying to finish up my report.

Thursday was just as tiring. I have a new driving instructor now, though I'm still gonna miss the fatherly big belly instructor. So happy that this instructor is with 12 years teaching experience and able to point out my mistakes without sarcasms. Nice papa figure to talk to as well. Phew, so glad...

Ended the day with someone fetching me home despite being really tired. So so so touched. Appreciate the effort and the nice-to-see-you-though msg.

Gonna try to finish up my report and then peace out~

Sunday pls come soon....

From being very happy and enthusiastic in the morning to feeling tired and disappointed at night...this is not how I want my night to end...

Either I am borderline biopolar or that I am expecting the wrong thing from the wrong person yet again...

Love is...

Staying up at night to get the herbs cooked for your partner because she was running a fever...

Fetching your troublesome daughter to the doctor and having lunch with her...



I missed riding on daddy's bike. Sitting behind him made me realized how much he has aged. I missed spending time with him alone...

Pissed not because you nagged at me but because you're telling or rather complaining to me about something I didn't do and something I have been telling you guys to be careful about especially with the last fall you had. And now you're telling me we have a serious problem because the kiddos slipped and fell?!!

I have been telling you guys to get the non slip mats after you broke your wrist in the toilet while I was in Aussie, you refused to get it cos you felt it's unnecessary and troublesome. Now you come and tell me to do my freaking part to mop the floor after my shower?!

You know I always do my part at home - make sure the switches are off before I leave the house; mop the toilet floor after I shower so that none of you will slip...for the record I even made my ex mop the floor every single time after he showered!

I am pissed becos you guys like to wait till accident happen then do something about it and for this case - auggy and kitty slipped and fell in the toilet cos their dad forgotten to mop the floor after shower!!!

None of you wanna listened to me...what more do you want me to say?!! Urgh!!!