Someone is getting married!

My Best Friend is getting married!!! Am sooooo thrilled and happy for her! The boyfriend did a great job in surprising her and keeping it under wrap till the very last moment.

Stepping into the next phase of life babe...make sure your fiance treats you right...if not I'll not hesitate to skin him alive! ;P

I was the joke of the night. I've been in such situation so many times in my life. Usually I'll just laugh along and it wouldn't bother me. But not last night. I got pissed and I got very very upset.

Maybe it's accumulative. I didn't feel it was funny to be scrutinized upon. I thought they would be happy for me. Not about the car but genuinely happy for me. Why do I not get that feeling from them. I felt as though I have to constantly explain myself because they dun see things from my perspectives and hence think that I'm silly. To the extend that they think it's okie to laugh right in my face.

Maybe I've always been a joke, that's why.

How can I help? How can I pull you out from misery? All I can do is listen to you and watch you drown in the sorrows that you've thrown upon yourself since a very young age. 

I never knew your maturity started so early, so much so that you're feeling drained and purposeless with your life at this point of time. Your hands are tied and there are too much on your plate for you to handle all by yourself. I tried to help. I still try to help when you allow me to. But would you allow me to tell you that you have an issue and you may need to seek help soon before you feel worse and that ranting to me may not  ease your pain as much anymore.

I had what you are having, perhaps 10 years ago and then again 5 years back. You probably think I have always had it easy since I'm the younger one - what would I have to struggle with? what would I have to worry about? There is absolutely not as much responsibility as compared to you. Do you know, it's not fun living under a shadow, your shadow. For the longest time, I needed guidance, I needed to break free and prove myself that I can do as good as you. But I was never good enough. I needed directions yet I have always ended up aimless and lost. You said you wished you've had been there for me more often in the past. I wished for that too. Perhaps then I wouldn't need to go through so much pain and to be so aimless for those years. To be frank, I don't how I could manage not turning out bad or dead despite the limited support from you. I did it anyway.

Seeing you going through what I have went through makes me feel helpless and sad. Despite trying my best to be there for you, I am not sure if you are willing to let me in and to help you. I hope one day, you will realize that, what you are going through aren't as bad as you think. There will always be a solution, a way out. It's just how desperate you are in wanting to survive and to make yourself happy. You dun have to constantly be so hard on yourself and to please everyone around you. At the end of the day, it's you that you have to be at peace with. No one else matters as much as how you see yourself at the end of the day. Be daring to seek for that you within. Be happy. Be you.

Couldn't sleep. Too much pain and I couldn't find any position to resume through the night. The thing is, I thought I did fall asleep. Or at least I tried. I couldn't quite move in the morning when it's time for me to get up for work.

I woke up eventually but before I even opened my mouth, pupz asked if I was feeling alright and if I needed to see a doc. Simple words but it meant so much to me. I didn't expect him to notice.

Am very grateful to have him taking care of me and checking on me constantly. Happy to have him by my side - bickering with me; laughing with me; urging me on to look at things from a different angle. 

Like it that I can be me in front of him =)

It's been awhile since I last wrote an entry. Busy and exhausted from work most of the time. Starting to feel less enthusiastic about work, which I dun know why. I dun loathe my work, I just feel tired so easily and so constantly.

Weekdays are mostly spent on work while weekends with the families. I didn't know running to and fro both sides of the families over the weekends can be this tiring. Perhaps too many things on my plate and I have not been juggling things very well.

I didn't realize my lack of participation would be deemed as not being interested in my friends' lives. It's not that I treat them any less or that they are any less important to me. Seriously it's not that. So when I was told that I dun seem to be putting in effort in the friendship anymore, it was like a slap in my face. I'm not sure if it is the case of me taking initiative in the past, organizing this and that; making alterations for everyone and everything but myself, that I become worn out and I started to just let things flow in order to avoid frustrations and disappointment. I used to be able to handle all these - keeping up with chats, fixing dinner dates, arranging for venues and time, or even being blown off the very last minute of the arranged event. But as time past I just feel so tired and perhaps started doubting myself if anyone actually appreciate all these things done. Where did that old me go to? Right now I only seem to be able to deal with one thing at a time. And because of that, I can no longer cater to everyone's needs ever so often.

Is this because we are at different phases in life? What would happen if I get married and set up my own family. My time would be even lesser and I probably won't be able to keep in touch as frequently or intensely as we used to. What would happen then?

Sigh...

Random thoughts...

Genuinely happy with my life at the moment...

Guilty for not spending as much time with my buddies, I am trying to get back into meeting up with them more often...I miss having steamboat and even just nua~ing at yd's house post dinner...I'll be happy with that...

Mum is going for cataract surgery this month...I hope it'll go smoothly and not give her any more problem...I can't do much except to accompany her for the consultation, followed by the day surgery...Am not please that her insurance application gotten rejected despite the appeal...perhaps I should consult my agent this time round...I hope my brother will remember to drop Mama a call...or maybe I should remind him again...maybe i'm expecting too much but i sometime do hope he would take note of such thing and be more proactive...just have to bear in mind that he too has a lot on his plate...sigh...

Birthday next month! Yippee....not looking forward to adding a year to my age but am definitely looking forward to gatherings with my friends and spending time with my loved ones...

Gonna go sleep...can't wait to fetch pupz later...starting to miss him...

Funny, kitty mentioned that we talk to you everyday. I guess she remembers it as she seems to see you on screen every time she comes back to punggol, which is every Sunday.

You asked her if she misses you, and she said yes, with that very sweet, sheepish smile on her face. It was really cute to see her expression. It was funnier to see her singing in front of the screen and asking you to 'wake up!'

I like how you connect with the kiddos and how they always laughed when they talked to you and called you 'funny uncle'...

I like how you made the effort to make me feel loved despite the distance...

I like how you would ask me to turn the screen to my parents just so you could say hi to them when we facetime...

I like how you fill me in with the details of your transition and the process of job changing...

I like how you asked for my opinions and try to work things around me...

I like how you always find time to drop me calls and msges every now and then to chat with me...even when you're loaded with tonnes of work...

I like how you secretly left msges in my phone which made me tear and miss you even more when I was on my flight back to Singapore...

I like how you made it possible to come back for good just so you can be physically here with me...

Road ahead will be slightly stressful with all the transitions and adjustments to be made...There and then, things may not be as rosy as we imagine them to be BUT I do hope that we will be able to move through the obstacles together with that goofy, silly nature in us and enjoy the process of being together without the distance in between!

Sometimes I wonder, am I expecting too much on my folks...esp my mum...

Expect my mum to say 'bye' before she hung up on me...

Expect her to know how to call up the eye clinic to ask the doctor about her eye meds...

Expect her to know how to use SAM machine and galaxy note after going through with her multiple times...

I dun know why am I putting so much emphasis on her learning all these new skills esp technology stuffs...I think when I was younger...she had never quite pushed me this way...expecting me to learn this and that...everything was at my own pace...

It's as though I'm preparing her for something...and sometimes I would think - what if one day I'm not around anymore, what if I were to live abroad again and brother is too busy to handle all these with her...at least she won't be too afraid to touch some of the gadgets or do some of the things on her own...

Or am I being too paranoid here? hmm...

Goodbye 2012...Hello 2013!

Was dead beat in December 2012. Working almost 6 days a week was quite taxing on my body. Yes, need to exercise more to make sure I dun fall ill so easily. I think a huge part of Dec, I was trying to rush through all the reports and trying to ensure a smooth transition on the various schedule of my kids before I went for my vacation. Was so tired most of the time that I dun want to go out on weekends but often or not I have gatherings since it's the festive season...

I'm glad I pulled through this school holidays, torturous but I did it anyway. I'm happy to see my Primary 6 kids graduating and advancing to secondary school. Happy to know they did well and able to move on to the next stage in life. As much as them having various difficulties in learning, they made it and I'm proud that they manage to!

Anyway, 2012 has been filled with ups and downs. The only constant is that I have my friends with me to back me up and point me to the right directions.  I am extremely grateful to have them with me all these while. Another constant is my job which I have been satisfied with. 

This year ended on a better note for me. I've finally found someone whom I can roll and grow along with. It's not about trying to fit myself in or to fit him in but someone whom I've always told fen that he's like my mirror image, the male version of me. I am really really happy to have him by my side...

I hope 2013 will be a better year for everyone...

There were so much going on for the past one week...happy happenings though!

No one has done this for me before...to tolerate the long flight, to go through such distance just so he could see me and spend time with me. Never have I had such a surprise before and it just made me feel so so happy.


Love the mornings that we had breakfast and coffee together before you sent me to work every day. Love the time spent with you and your family. Love to see you having fun with the kiddos. Love the thoughtful gifts you've bought for me...

This one week went by too fast...it was so tough to say goodbye at the airport today...and now I'm missing you really badly...

Thank you for being in my life pupz...

And here's the start of Dec 2012, last month of the year, busiest period for me....

Been down with viral fever or tonsillitis, whichever one it is, I burnt for 3 days no less...pretty torturous especially when I had a presentation to deliver and kids to see...managed to pull through the presentation but had to stay home the next day cos my temperature just kept going up...

It was horrendous being sick and trying to make my way home myself after work. I almost fainted in the human packed train despite being able to go home early on Wed night. I think Singapore is getting too crowded...boo...

Anyway am happy to be feeling better now!

Someone made me a happy girl with a bouquet of roses on the first day of dec! Love them! =)

my kitty girl...

Love it when you sat by me and talked to me throughout my lunch. I missed you for the past one week!

I like how we can talk about anything, not necessary logical stuffs but it has always been fun to talk randomly with you and you always laugh at mine or your silly words or silly talks.

I hope you are as happy talking to me as I am to you, little kitty...

Love is...

when your pal took his shoes off just so you could wear them as your old sandals broke...

when your pal worked till 1am and still remembered to look for a spare phone to lend, not to you but your mama...despite being all alone in the office...

when both crazy boys called and asked the closing time of the pharmacy and ran with you (or rather ahead of you) just so to catch the pharmacist to solve the mystery sausage lip that I was having...

really really blessed to have them in my life!

Twist and turn...

Alot of things happened since the end October. Alot of things...and how things unfold themselves...it's just puzzling...

It may not be tasteful to everyone's liking but to me, it all make so much sense now - how things happened, how things turned out and how they all lay out one after another...leading to what is it now...

There has never been so much clarity and positivity despite the physical distance...

No one knows how the future will be like but for now...I am happy =)

Neither happy nor sad...

Numbed...

I thought as a couple, we should bring out the best of each other. At the rate we are going, it doesn't look too promising.

I need someone to roll along with me. I have been trying my best to roll along according to your pace, perhaps it's just not enough. And with that single event that happened, it over ruled everything else.

I dun tolerate being hurled with sarcasm and hurtful words. I have been put down before by another party, I dun need to experience that once more. It was a nightmare.

I know you dun have to go through what I put forth to you either. That was your nightmare.

Perhaps we should both end one another's nightmare and get back to the routine we know best.

Was a complete mess on Sat night. Had dinner, squash and went back home to rest. It was a good evening.

Was just watching tv, sipping my whites and I just started to break down. Couldn't quite stop crying. Time like this made me feel utterly foolish and pathetic. There's no reason for me to feel this upset. I have my job, I have my friends,  I have someone who loves me.

This pms thingy is such a pain in the arse...maybe time for me to get some hormonal pills...

I have been on hibernation mode over the weekends. Not sure why the exhaustion overtook me and despite sleeping in then, it didn't seem to quite help.

Need to plan for a getaway trip soon. This entire year, cooping in Singapore is just making me fidgety and edgy. I need to get out...soon...

Checking on air ticket to London...looks like Emirates has the cheapest deal...Just thinking how long should I stay there for...

I think I'm going to miss my travelling kaki...Am more than happy that I am replaced by her significant half...hehe...I bet he won't be half as entertaining as me =p At least no one to irritate her with nonsensical singing and requesting for frequent coffee breaks to recharge the often lethargic me...

Have never travelled far enough with someone else apart from her. Perhaps time for me to venture out on my own =)

I can't help but feel frustrated when I heard about the news. It's like a mixed feelings - on one hand glad that you are doing well with your career, on the other felt like a dumb arse for not cutting loose as early as a year ago. 

You are now officially having your dream come true - having both the career and seeing the girl that you like...

I felt that I had wasted my one year or more on you...Everything should have come to a stop when I found out you were no longer as into me while you were actually with me...

Felt like a dumb arse for giving those chances and trying to make things work when ultimately I should have ended it there and then...

I am more angry with myself for letting me get into such situation when I should have known better to run the opposite direction. How could I have allowed myself to be strung along for so long? 

Sigh...whatever it is, I wish you the best. Pls treat the next girl right. 

And I hope our paths will not cross anymore.

And so...another pal of mine is going through heartaches. It's tough to be watching one going through the heartbreaking moments and yet, all you can do is to tell them you'll be here to support. Exactly what kinda support can I give, apart from the occasional listening and reaffirmation of their feelings.

I wish they can be happier. I wish they can get out of the pit and emerge a better and happier person. I wish I can alleviate the pain that they have. 

I tried to ask myself, if I am in their positions, what would I have done? How would I have gone about dealing with this kind of situations? With such understanding, how can I talk to them so that they can be relieved from the pain they are experiencing now? Problem is, I dun know how and what else to say that can make them feel better except to be there and just listen. Ultimately, I am not involved and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it...sigh...

I still want someone to run along with me in marathons.

I still want someone who can motivate me and push me along when I am sluggish or out of sort.

I still want someone whom I can travel the world with.

I still want someone who can reassure me even when I throw the most ridiculous questions/doubts about the r/s we have. Yes, I am a paranoid bitch.

I still want someone to tell me he loves me even when he knows I am in the wrong.

I am starting to doubt myself, if I am capable of finding that someone or even be that person's someone.