Of 2014...

Here I am recovering from another bulk of gastric flu, listening to chinese songs and waiting for the air conditioner repairman to do the maintenance. Am also trying to get work done (not...really not in the mood to...) while waiting for hubby to buy ingredients for me to cook for our lunch.

Have not been on this platform for quite awhile, have not typed my thoughts so freely for quite awhile.

I am thankful for everything that happened in 2014. The good, the not so good, the bad. Yes, even the bad. 

I am thankful for my family who has been very supportive and helpful during my wedding preparation and my transition to being another man's wife. My beloved parents have forever been so thoughtful and least demanding of me. 

I am thankful that I am able to help and ride the waves with my one and only sibling. Yes I grumbled and I lamented but I am still glad that he turned to me for help during the down times. I cannot imagine how he went through what he went through and still goes through. I guess I will never understand. I can only listen and try to mediate. I am thankful that I can still do that. I do hope he will see the good in everything and everyone around him. It's not easy to get rid of that extremely dark cloud above us but who says the sun will not triumph and create some rain above our heads, only to let us see the rainbows at the end of day?

I am thankful for my hubby for accepting me for who I am and still loving me. I know you love me and have been utmost patient with me. The respect, concern, passion and love you've showered me, I still think I am the luckiest girl ever to have you by my side. With you by my side, I think we can overcome many many mountains (apart from Mt Kinabalu ;p )

I am thankful for my in-laws for being so open minded and guiding me along the way ever since I moved in together with my hubby. They have been so understanding and easy going. My mother-in-law has been so thoughtful, always teaching me new stuffs and pointing out things to take note of in the family. I still remember she called me to the kitchen to tell me how to differentiate if the egg is cooked. It's the same kind of feeling when my mum was teaching me cooking stuffs. My father-in-law has been really great in sharing stories of the family with me as well. He's the gem in the family!

I am thankful for my brother and sister-in-law. I have now loved the moments of the 4 of us, sitting at mahjong table - gossiping and laughing at one another's silly acts, perhaps most of the time mine and my hubby's. I hope we will continue to do that when we move into Belgravia. 

I am thankful for my friends and colleagues. I know I have not been the best in keeping up with most of my friends. Perhaps occasional messages are not enough but I would continue to stay in touch. You guys still mean alot to me! I am so thankful to have a bunch of supportive colleagues at work. It has been rough and their presence makes everything so much more bearable. 

I am thankful to be able to learn that I should have stuck to the motto of separating personal stuffs from work. In my 6 coming 7 years of work, it took me a good 3-4 years to open up and share personal stuffs with people in the office. Now, I can't help but shut myself out completely in order not to be affected. Numbers can be fixed, words and trust once broken are difficult to build. I am sorry, I tried to look the other way and to brush it off but this time round, I think I am too disappointed. 

To end with a better note, I think I am ready to step out and explore. I need to build a healthier and more positive self!

Nails in the fence [Unknown Author]

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there." The little boy then understood how powerful his words were. He looked up at his father and said "I hope you can forgive me father for the holes I put in you." "Of course I can," said the father. ~~ My husband was the first person who told me about this story and I totally agreed with the meaning behind this.  I have always disliked confrontations. I have always believed that in the fit of anger, despite whatever words that you actually do not mean it, those words said could have done so much harm and caused so many scars. What does one do, when the place you once thought was really great to stay put upon has changed and now you are left with nothingness?  Uncertainty is the only constant...I guess I should have known better...

As the wedding day draws closer, I think our stress level gets heightened pretty much. More squabbles (the funny kind), more arguments (the not so funny kind), more pettiness (from me). I realized I tend to do that to people whom I am close to - being snappy and quick to act up; being all the sudden sensitive and over analyze on comments that others put across. I do this to my parents and now I am doing it to my husband-to-be. Familiarity breeds contempt perhaps but I know this is something that I need to put a stop to and I sometime struggle with it. At times, I just want my voice to be heard instead of being pushed aside when decision making come in place. Hence, I get snappy when my points are not taken into consideration or are overlooked. Other times, I am just being silly and acting out like a little girl.

I know, I am being spoilt rotten by this man who loves me so much and constantly trying to give in to me albeit managing his own ego and demands at the same time. And I love him for that - for the big heart that look beyond my pettiness as well as my quirks and for the willingness to give in to me and to make me smile. 

I dun think I make you as happy as you have made me but I am trying and am willing to better myself so that we can both be happy enough to want to spend the rest of our lives together =)

Love you pupz.

It's funny how people who said they are close to you would do the most inappropriate thing when you least expected it...

I'm not being unappreciative or snobbish here. I totally get it that you meant well. I can also understand how we would sometime find the easiest way out, thinking that it should be the closest and most helpful thing to do for the person we care for. BUT the actions could have been carried out differently. The lack of it didn't leave me with very good after taste and I am still bothered by it.....

Our pre wedding shoot

I never ever want to forget this day. There were so much laughter and kisses (although you said no kissing pictures for pre wedding photos). And you made me laugh even more when you said we've hit the quota for the number of kisses we had in the day.

I cannot imagine doing this with anyone else. We had so much fun despite the torso twisting poses and squeezing of various facial expressions upon requests. Love the moments that you made funny faces at me, trying to make me burst out laughing during the shoot. Love taking funny pictures with you too!

Thank you for being so sporting and being more excited than I was before and during the shoot. Thank you for taking my nonsense all these while. You've spoilt me rotten, I know...

Love you pupz....

Am feeling lost amidst the happiness that is surrounding me. This doesn't quite make sense to me and I'm still trying to grasp exactly what's making me feel this way.

Perhaps it's the new phase in life that I'm about to enter, perhaps it's the preparation that is going on...I'm not complaining nor am I unhappy. On the contrary, I am happy....

I get it now, that I should and need to 'be in the moment' when I am doing something. And only by doing so, I can pay my fullest attention on the activity I am involved and make the best out of it. 

I didn't quite get the meaning behind this when a good friend of mine explained to me.  I mean, I have always been attentive to the tasks I'm doing or given but I didn't realise that sometimes, apart from attending to the tasks on hand, my mind was drifting between multiple other stuffs that were on my mental list - the deadline to finish the report, the chore I needed to do later, another item that I needed to clear by end of the day etc. Unknowingly I got distracted by many other things that were on my mind, so much so that I did not put in my full attention on the one thing that I was supposed to do in the first place.

I only got to realize how true this was when I went for wakeboarding over the weekends. I was sleepy, my mind was somewhere else thinking about some stuffs that happened earlier during the week. And because of all these factors, although I'm physically in the water, trying to get myself up and to keep my equilibrium, I just kept falling despite already mastering the skill of balancing and standing up on the board.  On my third fall, while floating in the water, waiting for the boat to do a roundabout to pass me the rope, I realized my mind was not on wakeboarding at all. I was thinking about everything but the activity itself. 

Decided to do a mental switch and kept telling myself to focus solely on the the activity and nothing else. What surprised me was the immediate effect that came along with this simple act of consciousness. I stood up, I balanced and I had hell of a good time trying out slightly more challenging stunts. It was so much more enjoyable than any other times when I did wakeboarding.

It is great to finally understand what it means and feels like to be in that state of consciousness. It is also great to realize I actually have the ability to push other thoughts away and just focus on the activity that I'm involved in. It's not easy though, having to consciously push other thoughts out of my mind, to pay attention on that single task and nothing else. I hope I can do this better eventually and get to enjoy what I do even more. 

On a side note, I probably need to manage my emotions better. Am getting emotionally affected by every little thing. It's draining when I'm so reactive to things/words/responses that were thrown towards my direction. The rebound effect from me has not been good at all and it always lands on the person closest to me. My constant reminder to self has been - to be fair to the other party and not vent it on others. I try to be as positive as best as I can. Sigh...I try...I really try... Afterall, no one wants to be with another who emits negativity all the freaking time...

Sometimes I dun know how to respond any more when so many things are bomdbarding me constantly. Sometimes I just wanna shut down so that I would be less explosive/ reactive. Sometimes I feel like I need to hide somewhere and be on my own for awhile so that I can deal with the world in a better way...

Time flies...last year at this time, I was in London - went to Convent Garden to get my UGGs cos my booty heels were too painful to wear, and eventually parked myself at British Museum for a good half a day.  I remembered it was pretty windy and eventually it rained when my Mister came to meet up with me after his work. We were supposed to go somewhere else to walk around but he had some calls and had to go back to office. I was thrilled to follow him anywhere. Thrilled to go to his work place even though I had to wait for him to get his work done and then to go back to his office again due to some calls when we were supposed to leave for good. Dinner was at a Chinese restaurant with his friends. And eventually we adjourned to an Irish pub after getting some dessert. We drank, we danced and we counted down at Trafalgar Square. The fireworks, the kisses and hugs...our very first count down together.

Fast forward one year, I'm in Singapore, eating mee sua and waiting for Mister to knock off (again!).  Am equally thrilled that we get to count down and welcome a brand new year together. Brand new year, brand new us! Coming year will be a whole new phase for us :) Very very excited!

I have to admit I am not one who truly knows how to appreciate music but there have been some songs that always always brings me memories of that particular person or events.

Mad about you (Hooverphonics) - Yk introduced this to me ages ago. Still my all time favourite and it always brings back memories of my first trip to Wala Wala. I remembered I would always request for this song to be sung by UnXpected. Dun think they cover this song on their gig anymore though.

Songs of Damien Rice - I was heartbroken and went on a trip to KL to mend my heart. The entire album was on repeat-mode and I just kept listening to it. I remembered the sadness that swept through me when the songs were playing. I remembered how I try to make myself feel so numb that I would feel better eventually. I did feel better, I got out of being sad some how.

Chasing pavement - It always reminds me of banker. It reminds me of how tormented I was trying to catch up with someone who was always ahead of me and playing me around on his fingertips like a puppet.

珊瑚海 － I had never heard of this song prior to W mentioning it to me. He wanted to sing this song in the karaoke during one of his visits back. Not sure what got into me but I remembered I did go to the Youtube to search for the song - to listen and learn the lyrics(!!), all in the midst of my report typing. It is difficult to get miss jayna to do such thing but at that time I just wanted to make him happy. It turned out really fun and I was really glad that he seemed happier.

Young and Beautiful - Caught 'Great Gastby' on my way to Maldives. I fell in love with this song and I could help but played it through the entire trip. Every where - while I sun tan, while I soak in the tub etc. Kinda like a sad song but it brought back amazing memories of our trip to Cocoa Island!

New phase of life awaiting...I hope I'll have more songs to add to my life events =)

Love is...when he made the effort to fetch me home from a dinner despite him feeling tired...

Love is...when I'm dealing with family members who are sinking into depression...he'll try his best to listen and at the same time...crack silly jokes just to lighten the mood and lift me up...

Love is...when I threw tantrums or gotten frustrated...he'll take a step back and give in to me...but reason and point out my mistakes when I'm much calmer...

Love is...when he smiles at me every single morning without fail when he wakes up...

Love is...when I know we mean the world to each other...

Love is...him...

Life as it is, always filled with a good balance of happiness and grieve...

Mums being mums, they are bound to be worried about their kids, no matter how old their kids are. Even when their kids have kids...

She's always gotten his back...she worried when she knew he was out and worried why he didn't get her to help in tending the kids...

I can't believe I have to literally tell her to let go cos it's not within her control...he's old enough to manage his own stuffs...he's old enough to make decision and be responsible of his decisions....even if it's not the case, he has to learn...She doesn't seem to see that...

At the end of the day...It makes me wonder if she's ever this worried about me? I think I may not have given her the chance to...So at the end of the day...

Who is gonna have my back?

It's very hard to see young ones suffering. It's even harder to know that this kid whom I saw along the corridor at times, didn't make it due to a viral infection. He wasn't my kid but was under my colleague. I've spoken to the mum before though. I remembered her being so gentle, humble and nice towards everyone. I can't in my entire life imagine the immense torment she had to go through, seeing her baby slipping away. It saddens me to see the pic of the smiling kid albeit being intubated. I hope he's at a better place. I hope his family will stay strong.

Today I saw another child who was trying so hard to achieve the motor skills that he should be able to achieve for his age but is not doing so. Saw him cry through the exercises, saw him smile when motivated with toys. I held him in my arms and I know, he's got a long way to go in the journey ahead. Sometimes I wonder how do we keep ourselves up albeit seeing kids like these. Did we get used to it or that we are stronger emotionally?

I used to think it'll be great to work in neonatal ICU, helping those premature babies strive on. But I'm not sure how strong am I to see babies intubated and placed in the incubator or see babies struggling so badly just to stay alive...

random thoughts...

It struck me just one of the nights, what exactly is my purpose in life? To live, to learn, to be happy?


Why is it that when I am in the midst of happiness, something will crop up. And the ripple effects will definitely hit me straight on. It's like someone up there is trying to tell me - I dun deserve to be happy hence face the shit, over and over again.

Mum was getting on pretty good before she was being stressed out. And now she cannot seem to be able to get out of it. A year ago, when she was hospitalized, I had to handle all the procedures. You didn't offer to drive us home when she was discharged. Now, I have to be the one to bear with the frustrations of giving her the advice that she dun wanna take and the constant complaints of her feeling unwell. I hope you offered her the care and concern you should give and have been giving. As much as I hate clearing shit, I still have to do my part as a sister but I need you to get your act together and start being my big brother too.

Someone is getting married!

My Best Friend is getting married!!! Am sooooo thrilled and happy for her! The boyfriend did a great job in surprising her and keeping it under wrap till the very last moment.

Stepping into the next phase of life babe...make sure your fiance treats you right...if not I'll not hesitate to skin him alive! ;P

I was the joke of the night. I've been in such situation so many times in my life. Usually I'll just laugh along and it wouldn't bother me. But not last night. I got pissed and I got very very upset.

Maybe it's accumulative. I didn't feel it was funny to be scrutinized upon. I thought they would be happy for me. Not about the car but genuinely happy for me. Why do I not get that feeling from them. I felt as though I have to constantly explain myself because they dun see things from my perspectives and hence think that I'm silly. To the extend that they think it's okie to laugh right in my face.

Maybe I've always been a joke, that's why.

How can I help? How can I pull you out from misery? All I can do is listen to you and watch you drown in the sorrows that you've thrown upon yourself since a very young age. 

I never knew your maturity started so early, so much so that you're feeling drained and purposeless with your life at this point of time. Your hands are tied and there are too much on your plate for you to handle all by yourself. I tried to help. I still try to help when you allow me to. But would you allow me to tell you that you have an issue and you may need to seek help soon before you feel worse and that ranting to me may not  ease your pain as much anymore.

I had what you are having, perhaps 10 years ago and then again 5 years back. You probably think I have always had it easy since I'm the younger one - what would I have to struggle with? what would I have to worry about? There is absolutely not as much responsibility as compared to you. Do you know, it's not fun living under a shadow, your shadow. For the longest time, I needed guidance, I needed to break free and prove myself that I can do as good as you. But I was never good enough. I needed directions yet I have always ended up aimless and lost. You said you wished you've had been there for me more often in the past. I wished for that too. Perhaps then I wouldn't need to go through so much pain and to be so aimless for those years. To be frank, I don't how I could manage not turning out bad or dead despite the limited support from you. I did it anyway.

Seeing you going through what I have went through makes me feel helpless and sad. Despite trying my best to be there for you, I am not sure if you are willing to let me in and to help you. I hope one day, you will realize that, what you are going through aren't as bad as you think. There will always be a solution, a way out. It's just how desperate you are in wanting to survive and to make yourself happy. You dun have to constantly be so hard on yourself and to please everyone around you. At the end of the day, it's you that you have to be at peace with. No one else matters as much as how you see yourself at the end of the day. Be daring to seek for that you within. Be happy. Be you.

Couldn't sleep. Too much pain and I couldn't find any position to resume through the night. The thing is, I thought I did fall asleep. Or at least I tried. I couldn't quite move in the morning when it's time for me to get up for work.

I woke up eventually but before I even opened my mouth, pupz asked if I was feeling alright and if I needed to see a doc. Simple words but it meant so much to me. I didn't expect him to notice.

Am very grateful to have him taking care of me and checking on me constantly. Happy to have him by my side - bickering with me; laughing with me; urging me on to look at things from a different angle. 

Like it that I can be me in front of him =)

It's been awhile since I last wrote an entry. Busy and exhausted from work most of the time. Starting to feel less enthusiastic about work, which I dun know why. I dun loathe my work, I just feel tired so easily and so constantly.

Weekdays are mostly spent on work while weekends with the families. I didn't know running to and fro both sides of the families over the weekends can be this tiring. Perhaps too many things on my plate and I have not been juggling things very well.

I didn't realize my lack of participation would be deemed as not being interested in my friends' lives. It's not that I treat them any less or that they are any less important to me. Seriously it's not that. So when I was told that I dun seem to be putting in effort in the friendship anymore, it was like a slap in my face. I'm not sure if it is the case of me taking initiative in the past, organizing this and that; making alterations for everyone and everything but myself, that I become worn out and I started to just let things flow in order to avoid frustrations and disappointment. I used to be able to handle all these - keeping up with chats, fixing dinner dates, arranging for venues and time, or even being blown off the very last minute of the arranged event. But as time past I just feel so tired and perhaps started doubting myself if anyone actually appreciate all these things done. Where did that old me go to? Right now I only seem to be able to deal with one thing at a time. And because of that, I can no longer cater to everyone's needs ever so often.

Is this because we are at different phases in life? What would happen if I get married and set up my own family. My time would be even lesser and I probably won't be able to keep in touch as frequently or intensely as we used to. What would happen then?

Sigh...

Random thoughts...

Genuinely happy with my life at the moment...

Guilty for not spending as much time with my buddies, I am trying to get back into meeting up with them more often...I miss having steamboat and even just nua~ing at yd's house post dinner...I'll be happy with that...

Mum is going for cataract surgery this month...I hope it'll go smoothly and not give her any more problem...I can't do much except to accompany her for the consultation, followed by the day surgery...Am not please that her insurance application gotten rejected despite the appeal...perhaps I should consult my agent this time round...I hope my brother will remember to drop Mama a call...or maybe I should remind him again...maybe i'm expecting too much but i sometime do hope he would take note of such thing and be more proactive...just have to bear in mind that he too has a lot on his plate...sigh...

Birthday next month! Yippee....not looking forward to adding a year to my age but am definitely looking forward to gatherings with my friends and spending time with my loved ones...

Gonna go sleep...can't wait to fetch pupz later...starting to miss him...