still running...non stop...

my nose...maybe if it run fast enough, i'll have an excuse to go for nose job to get rid of that meaty lump! ha...

current appearance: comforty home clothes; with a tissue paper securely tug in my left nostril ~damn i'm so screwed, been a week and i'm still sick. Today being the worst, with me in boy-reach-puberty-breaking-voice; watery eyes and ever non-stop cough. And did i mention my phlegm is so green and gooey that i think it can be used as glue if really needed ~yucks~

Went back to AH yesterday to pass some stuffs and to update big boss about upcoming issues regarding JMC. Met up with my beloved TA and we hugged. Yes, it felt so good to hug her again! She commented that i'm more 'chan teh' ('pretty' in malay) and even look like ang mo with this new rebonded hairstyle 0_o Or maybe i look more SPG like what yd's sis said when she first saw me with flat hair.

Except for me falling sick, emotionally i'm more or less stable at the moment. Perhaps it's the outburst, perhaps it's my period. O well, at least i'm stable and not crying anymore. I'm dehydrated with my running nose and the constant peeing, am so done with crying. Thank you all for being so patient with me =)

To the person who is having holiday in bkk now. Have fun for your trip. I know this come way too late and that you probably dun wanna talk to me again. Still, i need to get this out of my system. I'm sorry for pulling the brake. I thought i was fine and well; in total control of myself and that i can deal with everything perfectly. Am so wrong. I need to get myself fixed on my own. I dun wan to drag anyone with me becos of my fluctuating emotions and thoughts. I guess all these words don't matter anymore. But i am still glad that i get the chance to know you.

Been having silly thoughts...
1. Of me being part of the population that is bound to have no offspring so as to ensure no jayna-like spieces will be running around. In another words, may not get married and even if i do i may be too old to have any kids by then. Judging from my absurd behaviour from the previous r/s and my inability to sustain a long term relationship, this may be highly possible somehow...

2. Shirlyn + my clique + stage + wala = my birthday song...dun ask me why i have this thought. It just suddenly pop out. Perhaps i wanna see how well my clique can sing other than draw? haha

3. Me working in aussie with autistic kids even after i graduate. That will be so cool!!! But first let me get used to their accent. I dun wanna 'beg ur pardon' all the time when talking to them.

4. Bring auggy out on my own one of these days, such as toyr' us or macdonald. I think abit tough, considering how much he can wriggle if he doesnt wanna be carried and the speed he runs lately, o man i probably need to train up first. Maybe to the Macdonald will have higher possibility cos it involves food. O did i mention that little boy know how to give those 'muack' kiss rather than the big-mouth-open-with-lotsa-saliver type of ' wet wet' kiss? really sweet of him to peck me on my cheek in the morning when i asked him to 'kiss kiss' before i head to work...hehe good way to start a day!

Okie no energy to type anymore. Gonna sleep so that my nose wont run too far away as i'm desperately saving up for studies and have no additional money for any nose job to be done.
~nitenite~

Simple lyrics but it reflect so much on my current mode...thanx gage


Te Busque
by nelly furtado

I've been high I've been low
I've been fast I've been slow
I've had nowhere to go
Missed the bus missed the show
I've been down on my luck
I've felt like giving up
My life locked in a trunk
When it hurt way too much
I needed a reason to live
Some love inside me to give
I couldn't rest I had to keep on searching

Te busque de bajo de las piedras y no te-encontre
En la manana fria y en la noche te-busque
Hasta enloquecer
Pero tu llegaste a mi vida como una luz
Sanando las heridas de mi corazon
Haciendo me-sentir vivo otra vez

I've been too sad to speak and too tired to eat
Been too lonely to sing the devil cut off my wings
I've been hurt by my past but I feel the future

In my dreams and it lasts I wake up I'm not sure
I wanted to find the light something just didn't feel right
I needed an answer to end all my searching

I look in the mirror the picture's getting clearer
I wanna be myself but does the world really need her
I ache for this earth
I stopped going to church
See God in the trees makes me fall to my knees
My depression keeps building like a cup overfilling
My heart so rigid I keep it in the fridge
It hurts so bad that I can't dry my eyes
Cuz they keep on refillin' with the tears that I cry...

tear-stained glasses...

i didnt know how difficult it is to clean my pair of tear-stained glasses despite me rubbing ever so hard with the spec cloth...

i didnt know how hurt i still am with all the words that my dad had ever said to me...

i didnt know how easily i cry while watching a love-comedy movie...

i didnt know how little self love i actually have for myself...

i didnt know how broken i am inside me all these while...

ask me how i've been doing at work? my reply will be this =)

ask me how i've been coming along? my reply will be this =)

ask me how i've been feeling this week? my reply will be this =)

who am i kidding...i was never =) thru the past week...

i want my tears to stop...but it's been flowing non-stop....

on mc today

how low can one be in a lifetime...

it spiralled downward to a deeper and darker hole...am i too stupid to trust ppl so easily...am i too navie to think that i can rely on others at times...i am juz a tool to them isnt it? To get what they want, to satisfy what they need, to be the idiot they can look for when they need something from me...

i'm tired of giving in...i'm tired of being used...i'm tired of everything

just let me have some peaceful sleep, without any dreams, without any nightmares, without any flashbacks...

i just want some peaceful sleep...

no more night cycling!

o man...my butt is hurting like hell...so are my quads...i think i'll have humongous quads soon...

my first night-cycling trip today with the telok blangah CC...thanx to ah muan who jio me for this event...it turned out to be a mini AH gathering cos quite a no. of colleagues turn up...it's fun! made new frens too...one of them is matt from australia...new podiatrist in AH...fun guy to chat with...he was telling me stuffs about australia...pretty interesting...but at some point i cant quite get his questions cos of his accent...heng he's nice enough to repeat...die lah go aussie how...dun think all will be as nice to repeat themselves leh...cham...

am pretty hopeless in cycling cos first, i keep getting faulty bikes...changed like 3 bikes during the journey...no one broke my record for the nite...am i suey or what?? second, i dunno how to change gear...made myself ride like siao cha bo during up slope cos i used the wrong gear and thus making the ride such a tedious one...luckily during times like these i have ah muan to help..as usual, he laughed at me when i screamed+++ and complained+++ while braving the slopes...he knows how much i hated slopes...be it running or cycling...I HATE SLOPES....haha...juz wanna thank him for helping me throughout....

anyway the whole event was good...cos we have the traffice police to guide us and block other cars for us...haha are we cool or wat...haha i even have one of the big shot policemen to ride along side with me...cos i was struggling with the slopes....darn pai seh....

after the tedious ride back to the CC...we had debrief and were given certificate of appreciation...see still got paper to show that we did nite cycling...haha...first time in my life...i had nasi lemak...after cycling...at freaking 3.30AM! who on earth eat rice in the middle of the niet...anyway it was good...kinda replenish energy alittle...

now i'm all fresh and ready to go to bed...yes with my hair wet..i seriously dun care...if you'll excuse me...i've got an aching butt to nurse for the rest of the day!!

once again....

i sought solace behind my house...

during the day it's a place filled with life and sunshine...place where i'll like to carry baby boy for a walk...

during the nite....overlooking the well lit flyover...it brought back a familiar feeling...i cant rem when did i start going behind my house, find a spot.... sit there and cry...yes cry...sobbing kind of cry...

all i need is to be held and be told that things will be alright...someone did that before and i ended up crying more...but it felt so right...to cry in those arms...

damn it...today is a sucky day for me...if not for meeting up with sid for dinner, it's gonna spiral downward even more...

will snap out of this pathetic self...for now juz let me be the vulnerable me for tonite...juz tonite...

fucked up mood the whole damn day...damn it...

i realise...

that i am actually entitled to pay increament after my confirmation since 22 nov 2006...didnt know till i receive the letter this morning...freaking HR has been owing 3 months of my pay increament which amt to close 900++ bucks!!! the only comforting thing is that they have indirectly 'helped' me save up these amt of money....ha

that a patient of mine that i saw 3 weeks ago...due to some mishandling...her ulcer on her toes has become gangrene...and now it is so bad that she has to undergo op....freaking docs...i wonder wat they are doing...why had the wound turned into gangrene in the first place...i'm worried for her...cos for her to undergo such extensive op at her age...it's too much...i can only pray to whichever god or goddess that she suffers as little pain or agony as possible...i cant help but imagine how the op may reduce a cute old lady like her to a totally different being...sigh...

that i miss watching short films...thanx to simin, i get to catch '2nd Singapore Indie Doc Fest' at substation...it is made up of 3 short films...first from nepal, second from malaysia, third from singapore...i didnt know that two of the characters featured were sitting right infront of me until the Q n A time...more on the details of the short films some other days...

that the reason why i miss yk was becos i miss the spontaniety we had whenever we meet up...the spontaniety of doing something at that spur of the moment and just do it....no pretence, no extensive planning required, no worries of whether the other party will like it or not cos u know each other well enough to deduce that whatever suggested will definitely be favourable...just the 'you onz, i onz, let's go!' kinda attitude....today is somewhat a day where we girls decided to meet up last min to catch the films...and i must say i enjoyed myself every bit...despite being in my ugly office wear and hurting my butt by sitting still for 2 hours...

time is running out

current song: time is running out by MUSE

i used to groove to this song in wala without knowing who the exact singers were...miss wala...miss the band...miss the company...miss yk...as always...wala makes me think of him...he was the one who took me there...the one who told me so much about music...the one who put the idea of me singing in a pub, with him on base, yd on organ, vicky on guitar...the one who said better him than anyone else to force the first cigarette down my throat on my 22nd birthday...the one who introduce me my first stella artois...the one who company me thru the night, keeping me awake while i rush my reports...

been ages since i last saw him online or in person...

oki buta, when are we going to meet up? the last time we talked was during yd's dinner at vicky's place... sometimes he's seemed so busy that i dun dare to ask him out...i miss hanging out with u and yd...talking about everything, anything....of cos minus the part where i'm the sandbag btw the two of u...

many things running thru my head...tired...gonna sleep...

Work in progress for gage's surprise...

And so we started this little 'surprise' thingy on tuesday nite...tired...but we juz wanna do it...funnily we went with minimal ideas on what to draw...but the moment we get started...things juz flow as it is...










tedious to draw on four papers...and i didnt know my frens are good at drawing till now...i didnt know ck can draw the fish, papa ng can draw the oscar man, camera and director seat, adrian can draw the grammaphone and miss phua can come up with ideas of decorating with aluminium as the frame for the mural...as for me...i only helped in drawing the name in the design that i gave gage years ago...




See...we lying on the floor...sitting on the hard ground...drawing...erasing...drawing...colouring with huge crayons....kinda fun u know...



















did i mention that wan wan is our supervior? she'll come in on and off to 'inspect' us...sit on the paper and stuff...luckily we have adrian to fend her off...cos she's extremely scared of him...dunno why...haha


















things drawn are all the stuffs that he likes...erm at least what we can think of lah...i hope he'll be a director one day...follow his heart and make meaningful short films that he always wanted to do...i dun mind being ur crew again...the time spent feeding mosquitoes and sweating like a pig while shooting ur first 3 min film is something that is always memorable to me...of cos i'll demand a sigficant amount of pay if u ever made money out of ur film...haha...



moi name and my favourite symbol and colour...










hehe the name that i drew...














stuuuupid sze...ruined my pic...=p
















the final product....
Happy Birthday...old man=)

love you all the same no matter how old you are...at the most next time i buy u la mer products=p

Ray, jessie, angie and peifen....thank you soo much for bringing all the fun last nite!

mentioned that i desperately needed a drink right? I've actually made arrangement with fen to go 'happy daze' on thurs nite...so happened that on friday evening, jessie jio us to come out for drinks too...so 5 of us decided to meet up...whooppeee....It's nice to go to our usual hang out place where the boss know us and try all out to get all of us high with his new 'creations' haha...it was really fun...cos we are honest customers and will tell him outright that his shots sux if they're really weird and yucky...haha...

had my first graveyard shared among 5 of us...one glass...5 straws and we down it all...that'll be my first and last...worst than drinking stout alone...yucks...

had fun updating each other...giggling, chatting, planning and making fun of each other...this time round i didnt smooch anyone...partly cos jessie, my usual smooch victim, was sitting too far away from me...haha...

i cant wait for next fri's celebration for angie...ha...

met up with calvin and princess for lunch today...treated calvin cos we didnt give him a proper farewell when he left that day...had a good time complaining to him and teasing him...miss having him in the clinic despite him always disturbing us...

after lunch...walked around with princess for awhile...saw this cheap and nice bikini from adiddas..tried it and decided to buy it...hehe...a little treat for myself...after that...went to united square starbucks to have coffee on my own and to read my book...

evening time went back to nyjc for drama nite...this year's performance was disappointing...lacks the creativity and passion...sigh...o and we went to eat dou huay again...juz like good old days...had so much fun recalling wat happened during our time...miss those days so much....

sigh...i think i'm screwed up...why did i complicate things...perhaps i've not been thinking deep enough on what i want...i'm slowly retreating into my own shell once again...i thought things can be kept simple but it proves otherwise...i'm sorry...treat it as i'm manipultive...or that i'm dumb...juz treat me as a fren...

finally it's done and up...hopefully everything goes well...hopefully that someone will like it...if not we can all hang ourselves with the crep papers that we bought but not used...

right now i'm tired..really tired...mentally...physically...been thinking alot...been having emotional rides...i wonder is it cos of my period coming...hate it when i have to go thru things like that...when i cant pin point what the freak is going on...i juz wanna sleep....and not think about things...am so bloody tired...

i need a drink.........

i loveee my squashies...they are the only ones whom i can really depend on when i'm tipsy and drunk...they are the only ones who can stand my smooches and puke...they are the only ones who will make sure i'll be home safe and sound...

was reminded of st james nite and realise i actually rem more than i thought i rem...jessie and ray...thanx for reminding =p

accidentally poured a glass of red wine on a girl's blouse on that nite...ray actually had to help me apologise and compensate the girl...jessie actually had to bear with the consequence of being called a 'madam'...

wanyee had to tolerate being cornered by me when i wanted to put a huge smooch on her cheek...

jessie amazed by me singing along with the Beyond cantonese song at that dragonfly section (o man what was i thinking)

and me hicupping and dozing off on jessie's shoulder and something else while waiting for cab...hehe...thanx for the cushioning babe...

girls....thank you so much for tolerating my nonsense...i know i can be quite a handful and full of nonsense when i drink a tad too much...

it was indeed a fun new year afterall! haha...

Arh!! so happy! love this pic so so much! no one has ever drawn me before! neither have i tried getting myself drawn like that...

wish i have the abs that are shown in the pic =p wah haha...

thank you silly no. 1!

Happy new year everyone!

New year, new begining....

Had so much fun for the past few days...the usual gatherings with relatives, usual small talks we made with ppl we seldom see, the usual next-year-bring-your-boyfriend-along comment....still, i love chinese new year...each year is different for me...

~new year eve eve~
Had maternal reunion dinner at my uncle's condo...usual gathering except that this time round there's more toddlers around...4 generations all together...

i ended up chasing after my youngest uncle, hitting him cos he cox auggy into drinking red wine...was so angry that i drank up all his wine from the cup...ha...

after that went dempsey road for more wine and sausages with dodo and her hubby-to-be...thanx for the treat dodo...

~new year eve~
Went to harbour front for lunch with my aunt, uncle and cuzzies...nice food, great company=)

noon time went over fen's place to nua and to get my nailpolish done...hehe not to mention to get goodies from auntie too...hehe...yummy!

evening had reunion dinner on our own and i headed down to yd's house...at bout 12am then we headed for chinatown! It was so fun! i was abit stoned lah cos very sleepy towards the end but i really enjoyed myself shopping with auntie, dawn, yilong and yd...it's like a family outing to me...my family has never done that before. Thanx for including me for the shopping trip!

we had great fun laughing at auntie and her hyena tattoo...keke very fun to see her smiling and holding her hand so dearly!

like i told yd...why do i always give my 'first time' to the sims....haha...
4 yrs back, when he juz had his car lisence, i kar kar be his passenger for the lorry ride to julia's bday party at east coast...that was like 2nd day post he was given the right to drive legally on the road...and mind you i didnt put on sit belt cos there was none and this fellow had no prior experience of driving a huge lorry! everything was smooth except for the hump! ha

this year, our dear little bro had gotten his bike lisence a week back and boy he had gotten himself a scrambler...this bike is so darn high that i had to hold on to yilong and yd in order to get onto the back seat...it wasnt as scary as i tot...didnt burn my arse with the exhuast pipe at the back and wasnt that loud...and i pass this little fellow simply cos he rides over the hump much much smoother than his bro...haha....

~CNY day 1~
did the usual thing of going to relatives house to bai nian..

evening time went over to aunt's place for dinner and drank 3 glasses of red wine before i pop over papa ng's place...

amazed that i can balance myself thru the train ride feeling high and on 3 inch heels...

sorry about dozing off and not able to play mahjong with u guys...was really tired by the time i'm done with shower ...

~CNY day 2~
woo hoo...went house visits...starting from sze's house to mine then to adrian's...to jl's...ck's then final stop was yd's...had steamboat again! haha...but it was nice...

done with dinner and washing dishes...hopped over to st james...went to the jazz section...weird ang mos singing with not so attractive moves...wat a waste...

drank abit too much and gotten tipsy...i think we did went to different sections of the entire place juz that i simply cant rem anything except snapshots of myself attacking jessie, ray and wan yee...giving them smooches on their cheeks...actually i only rem kissing jessie...but was told that i kissed the other two gals too...oops...sorry...hehe...

~CNY day 3~
went gu ma's house for the gathering as usual...uncles, aunts, cousins and their babies...place is getting smaller with more ppl coming into our big family...it's really heart warming to see that...

That pretty much sums up my CNY...fun! hope next year will be as fun too! muah haha....

same me, same auggy, same occasion....

top is the pic taken this year during reunion dinner....

bottom is the pic taken last year during the dinner....

same position, same hug, same smile from me, same no-smile from auggy...

any difference spotted? baby boy grew so much over the year...and i've grown older over the year too...boohoo...

handsome: eh what time you knock off...
me: 5.30pm lo...

handsome: o then you think if i meet up with you at 5.30, i will be able to reach clark quay by 6.30?
me: u may be abit late if u meet me at 5.30...why wanna meet me? i didnt bring your tie today leh...

handsome: no lah...want to take train with you together mah...
me: eeeew....so sweet of you....

handsome: of cos...
me: o_O okie lo...haha....

we did meet up and took the train together...though he did run late due to some delays...still, i appreciate him wanting to meet me up...

i know you love me...in your own way...so subtely...thanx for not giving up on me...

You Are a Caramel Crunch Donut

You're a complex creature, and you're guilty of complicating things for fun. You've been known to sit around pondering the meaning of life... Or at times, pondering the meaning of your doughnut. To frost or not to frost? To fill or not to fill? These are your eternal questions.

What Donut Are You?

happy vday

Hair is wet, am waiting for it to dry, then i'll go sleep...

Met up with nikki babe for a movie in the evening. Two singles spending vday together. First time for her, second or third time for me (i cant rem exactly)...still, we had a good time, drooling over daniel wu in the movie and chatting so heartily while having our late dinner...Babe, thank you so much for spending time with me...hopefully i can catch you again before you fly back to aussie or i'll see you in melbourne in another 5 months time...

7 yrs back, i still rem the vday i had in nyjc, jl placed the piglet in the locker for me to find out...back then everything was so sweet and innocent...soo....childlike...

3 yrs ago, i still rem the vday i had in nyp, mr h had the florist to send flowers to schl for me and me giving him blue roses in return....it was sweet too and the kinda thing that teenagers will do...erm though i was in my 20s already...haha...

this year, i was suppose to spend this vday with banker...but somehow i knew it wont happen and true enough it didnt...

BUT i'll not forget the vday this year...cos someone put in the time and effort to make something for me...been a very long time since i get handmade present...the sincerity with this gift is very much felt and appreciated...thank you so much!

time to sleep...argh...i so not wanna work...i need a break from work totally....

pauses...

i admit...i lost myself completely the moment i stepped into this relationship...lost as in not lost in the midst of lovey dovey moments but lost the 'me' in me...

did stupid things that i thought i wont do; reacted the way i thought i wont react; cried the number of times i thought i wont cry; placed myself in a position so low that i thought i'll never allow myself to be in; lied to someone whom i thought i'll always be truthful to...

he's not the best lover, he's not good looking, not sensitive, not loaded, not well tempered, not someone who will keep to his promises all the time...then why did i hang on to this relationship so darn tightly?

I like his confidence, i like the way he communicate at times when he puts in effort and is not busy playing his ps2, i like the way he explained things to me at times...i thought he can be the one to guide me through life...i thought i can tap onto his confidence level and grow with him in life...i stubbornly wanted to prove that we can make this relationship work despite the age and mentality differences...

it's juz like me wanting to study chinese in NUS and be a chinese teacher back then...i stubbornly held on to this idea and tried getting into the teaching line desperately...applied; reject; applied; reject...till i felt so depress that i could no longer function confidently as a being...i stubbornly wanted to prove that i can do it...i stubbornly held on to it and rejected all other options in life...

yes, never learn my lesson...always land myself in the 'jiao tou lan e' state then i'll start to realise i need to let things go...

it is hard to let go, it is hard to admit defeat for someone as stubborn as i am...but now i have to...for myself, for ppl who love me...

i am afterall not that bad right? i'm still whole and abled, still mentally sound, still has the ability to communicate and appreciate things in life, still has the capability of making myself pretty...haha....

sigh i juz want to be like the past- drunk, giggly, carefree, blur, silly...most imptly, love myself more than i should be...

My Personality

Neuroticism	82
Extraversion	57
Openness To Experience	60
Agreeableness	62
Conscientiousness	7

You are neither a subdued loner nor a jovial chatterbox. You enjoy time with others but also time alone. You can be very easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be extremely sensitive and emotional. A desire for tradition does not prevent you from trying new things. Your thinking is neither simple nor complex. To others you appear to be a well-educated person but not an intellectual. You have some concern with others' needs, and are generally pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative. You like to live for the moment and do what feels good now. Your work tends to be careless and disorganized.

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Closure...

Managed to get thru to him last nite. He sounded indifferent. O well, what's new. No doubt i have contributed to that, somehow i also know he doesnt have the capacity to take it anymore. At least now we both know that there is no point continuing and dragging each other along.

He told me to grow up and that i'll always be a nobody if i continue to think that way -_-

Ultimately, he cant support me the way i wanted him to, esp emotionally. Perhaps i'm juz not strong enough...whatever it is...he's outta moi life! finally...

Anyway, everything will start anew. Chinese New Year coming. I juz wanna enjoy myself and prepare for my study. Speaking of which, i havent settle my study loan yet =p

cry cry cry...after today...no more...

seriously, i can do with a drink or two right now...i really really need it!

gonna do that with ray and jessie on sat....

since i dun have to ans to anyone or make promises not to drink anymore...i shall be the karen walker-alike jayna once more...i miss that...really...i miss drinking and chilling with my girls and pals in peace...

the downward spiralled r/s has come to an extend that i had enough and he had enough too...right now i truly appreaciate him not contacting me at all...it really makes things easier...no more being softhearted or guilty and going back to the vicious cycle...although at times i do miss him, his silly smiles, the stupid things we did together, his hug, his kisses and him smelling my hair...i'll miss all thsoe...but somehow all these doesnt sustain the r/s a single bit....

i'll go into deep deperssion if this go on....I need to get myself fixed...by myself....

i lost the ability to trust...perhaps it's like 'blink'....somehow, somewhere i juz know something is not right, something is not true in him but i cant pin point it....and silly me juz want to find facts to prove it but cant find anything concreate and in the end gottan a fake hope...a fake product - our r/s...

I want to start afresh....i'm so glad i'll be leaving for melbourne soon...i cant stay here anymore...not that i wont miss my frens...i'll miss every single one of them...but i cant expect them to help me pull myself up...i juz need some place new to start a new life...proving to myself i can actually survive very well alone in a foreign land....

no more jerks...i hate them...i had two in a row...enough is enough...i'll pull down that bus stop if i can...perhaps at that point of time, i believe too much in fate...or that i'm juz simply being too naive and dumb...agrh....

i'm bursting...my heart felt so heavy....

so...i shall go and sleep...it's the best remedy...at least for now...

alone...

went out alone for the whole day...

caught a movie on my own at bishan....walked around alone...finally bought the socks that i needed...no more smelly feet...yeah...

head down to look for nikki after the movie...her granny juz passed away...so i thought i'll go down to look for her and give her support...reminds me of ah ma's funeral somehow...
hope that she'll get enough rest and not get too exhausted...

walked from punggol mrt station back home...it was drizzling...cooling nite...helps to clear my mind...'who the fuck you think you are, giving me attitude...' i'll not forget those words...
right from the beginning i'm juz a nobody...before the mess, in the midst of the mess and now after the mess...

this nobody has decided to fade off...afterall...i'm juz a nobody...

rainy days...

~mon~
met up with dodo and family for dinner at thomson plaza for her bday celebration...been awhile since i last went there...used to frequent there in my sec schl days cos handsome stayed near there and we used to go there for BK at times...my aunt even rem driving me to handsome's place one of the new years...that was like so many years back...the plaza has changed so much...the old BK is no longer there...

~thurs~
went for the surprise party for angie at baden in holland village. Had fun chatting, eating german food and of cos making the birthday girl hit the pinata that jessie had suggested buying. The funniest part was when the blindfolded angie hit and hit the guys on their arms instead of the pinata...too bad lo...no place to hang the pinata so they gotte sacrifice their arms...haha...

happy to see that the surprise party was a success...at one point we were still worried that angie already knew we're planning something for her...but with her taking her time to prepare herself and making her way down to meet us....we knew she had no idea what's going on and with her taking her own sweet time, she's unknowingly starving us all...haha...Glad you had a great time babe...

~fri~
was suppose to go down for friendly match...once again i flew ray they all kite...so sorry...i ended up with running nose and headache for the whole day on fri...so drained that i was abit half dead in my clinic...resting from time to time...drowning myself with warm water...

~sat~
had a good nite rest...felt much better today...wanted to go for a jog but it rained...so decided to stay home to read my book...played with auggy for awhile and then watched tv...

went handsome's place for steamboat...as usual...we prepared food and had a really full meal...
after food...we played mahjong for awhile...haha first time i game with 'ping hu' with all the 'tong zi'!!! eh i never had such luck before leh...too bad we were juz playing for fun not money...haha...

o man i realise lately i've been pretty sedentary in my activities...have to get my jogging vibe back...if not my tummy is going to be flabbier! argh...

Still dunno wat to do for tomolo...perhapsgo for a jog, stay home, read my book, play with auggy, or go watch a movie alone...

Just want to do things alone...i've had my fair share of disappointment already...not contacting for the next few days will be good...at least i know i wont get disappointed if there isnt any respond...

~communication~

i sux in self expressions.

Communicating with people regarding my own feelings and thoughts was never a smooth process. I can map out all the conversations in my head- what i am going to say, what i am going to argue, points that i really want to put across. I can rehearse those lines or pointers repeatedly in my head ever so smoothly. And i thought when it's my turn to express myself, i'll be able to do it.

But when the real situation occur, i juz fall silent. Words that i had in mind and to be put across juz seemed to be stucked in my throat and eventually get swollowed into my stomach. Unless the other party pushed me real hard, will i reveal slightly what's on my mind.

Am i scared of offending others, am i afraid of making situation worst, am i afriad of how others will see me if i am to tell them what's on my mind? I've been asking myself all these questions on and on.

I have to admit, i lack the courage to stand up for myself at times, to say 'no' to others, to face the possibility of not being accepted by others...

No more avoidance? no more self denial? no more self blame? be brave and face the reality?

i'm still trying...

sleep sleep sleep...

I think i juz fasted unknowingly since last nite 8pm till today lunch. Someone flew my kite for dinner and i was so freaking pissed off that i read my book and fell asleep by 8pm. Wasnt hungry then so didnt eat anything even when i woke up at 11pm. Sleep...good remedy to cool myself down and clear my head from unnecessary stuffs.

I broke my no-alcohol rule on sat nite. Drank at ck's house and later went to happy daze to drink with ray and the gals. It's like unleashing the alcowhore me...haha...and i have to pay the price on sun though, for my gastric came back and i'm rolling in pain...kena pissed off and no appetite...so sleep is juz wat i needed...

rather happy today cos managed to see 5 pts today. The time passed faster with me seeing and chatting with my patients. Then i wont think about other nonsensical things...haha...

gonna meet up with aunt and family for dinner later....finished reading my first neil gaiman book...looking forward to finishing the next book 'good omen' that ck lent me...at least i hit my first new year resolution - to read more and not only sleep during train rides...haha....

At home now...took time off today cos gotta attend a wedding in the evening...

kinda like the half day work, half day rest feeling...

darn darn broke now...overspent way too much during x'mas...

need to start saving up...or else when i go aussie i'll have to eat air...or let the air eat me...

such a spendthrift...argh...

how am i feeling now...

been a long time since i have such feeling - feeling down to the core...why? i juz feel stuck....i wanna get out of the zone that i'm in now...too slow...too comfortable...too mundane...in my work...

seriously...i dun think i'm suited for community setting...i wanna get back to peds again...i wanna work with autistic kids...i wanna get into their world once more...when will i be able to do that...will i be competent enough to do that in future? i juz miss the challenges of working in peds...i miss running after little kids...sigh...

what do i want now?
get out of singapore, to vietname, to aussie...

It's a boy!!!!

it's a boy!!! again!!! haha....hai yar...thought i'll have a niece...o well, so long baby is healthy that's the more important thing..

i can foresee auggy and auggy-look-alike fighting for toys, food and attention...that'll be so funny...haha...

Anyway today is OT day! Happy Occupational Therapy Day!

Quote of the day: ' Forgive someone who's hurt you in the past. Take a forgiveness test. Pray for that person and wish him all the blessng you can think of '

My colleague has this stack of quotes that she bought way before x'mas. We'll choose one card each and place it on our work desk. And so the above is my quote for the day.

My first reaction was -_-
even though i stupidly replied his sms once last year...doesnt mean the past didnt hurt...those msges that brushed me off; the scene which i saw both of them dozing off on the bus together and the last phone call...they juz came flashing across my mind with that single sms...if u are leading a happy life now, good for you...but i dun wan to know...

feeling fucking low now....

I have never felt so pek chek about my work @ JMC until today. Referral system sux, such that for certain people we cannot see them as subsidised patients unless they go thru certain procedures. Here i was, trying my best to find out and then explain the procedures to patient and i'm being taken as inflexible and trying to squeeze money out of him. In the end, he hung up on me! ARGH!!! Since when i have to be the bad person?? And i hate it when ppl hung up on MOI!

The even more frustrating thing is - THIS doc suggested to my boss to have me stationed half day permenently at the counter downstairs to tend to the home care solution centre! I'm willing to conduct public education home modification when needed BUT dun ask me to sit at the counter and direct ppl or to tell ppl that 'sorry JMC is not jurong polyclinic..."

~ROAR~
since when i become a counter girl
~ROAR~

Anyway, i juz went joggin behind my house. I really cant take it and needed the jog to vent my frustration.

Wanted to blog about my 2006. Am too tired now. Shall blog about it another day. Gotta sleep now.

squash...squashies....

training is back at nyp now...save the cost and hassel of going to yck or chilton park...somehow i still like those courts that we have...though their condition aint the greatest...

saw one of the admin officers who is a seasoned squash player...he used to help us alot, letting us know when the courts will be closed for exams and helping us get clearance to use them when we werent supposed to...it's nice seeing him again...

as always...we trained, we played games, we sweat and laughed...kinda tired to train after work but it was fun afterall...

went cartel to eat after training just like good old days...i rem i gained the most amount of weight back then cos after training we'll go cartel to have 'dinner'...

the girls were discussing about me leaving for aussie to study this year...jessie and ray were keen to pay me a visit...they even said that they'll miss me and my stupid antics whenever i get drunk...haha...

come to think of it...i'll be leaving for aussie in 6 months time...pretty fast eh....

sigh...so fast...2007 is here in juz a blink...

new year...new resolution...so what are mine? gonna think about it and let you guys know later...

goon goon??

All of us have been trying to get auggy to call my mum ' nai nai' and me 'gu gu' ...so far he can call my bro 'pa pa', sis-in-law 'ma ma', my dad 'ye ye' and of cos blurt out ' bao bei' or ' baby' at times which indicates himself.... haha very duh right...

was having cereal breakfast today at the dinning table and this little glutton kept bugging me to feed him some...and so i did....but before i fed him...i made him say 'xie xie' (sis-in-law has been training him for it...so i'm juz helping her to reinforce)...for this he can pronounce very clearly...the next few times when i fed him...i made him call me 'gu gu'...and cos he really really wanted to eat...he attempted calling me...

'goon goon' was all he called out o_O ....sounds like 'goon doo' leh...
actually all these while he's been calling me that...tried to correct it but cant leh...

hai yar 'goon goon' is better than him calling me something else =p

anyway here's the videos that my bro uploaded...

christmas!

spent x'mas eve with my dear squashies at new majestic hotel...it's so darn cool!! nice hotel room we've gotten! really cosy and nice to stay in...two storey somemore...the design is so interesting and the bed is so fluffy!!! haha...would love to go there again and try out the different rooms...cos each room has different design!

chrismas day itself was spent at handsome's house...we all went crazy with the game of twister!
u can never imagine the kind of positions we've gotten into in order to win the game...haha...and best thing is we will attack each other's space so that the other party will fall and get kick out of the game...haha evil eh...but it's fun...not to mentioning tiring too...

dinner was filled with delicious turkey, salad, baked potatoes and ham etc....it's like our family gathering once again...something different from our usual steamboat...

gifts exchange was fun too...i've gotten yd's cd...the music is not bad...some group that i've not heard of but they songs are nice...
dawn has gotten my gift...hope she'll grow the sea monkeys and let me see...hehe...

very sleepy now...such a nice weather to sleep in...but i have to wake up early to work...why why why....

i shall re-post auggy's video again later...something gone wrong with the set up...

was on roller coster ride for the past one week...emotionally going up and down due to some reasons...have things been back to normal? i dun think it'll ever be the same again...

looking forward to X'mas...spending time with ray, jessie, wanyee, chin han and angie on the eve and going yd's house on the christmas itself...bought an interesting present for the gift exchange...exciting...hehe...

ARGH!!!! KILL ME PLS....

so many things to do at work place but none related to my job! bloody hell....i'm not a PSA...i'm not a therapy assistant...i'm not an organiser for party....ARGH!!!!!

i think i need a drink to calm my nerve down...argh....freaked out....cindy and i both freaked out...why are arrangement made without even going thru us...we are the ones working here but we dun bloody know wat's going on...or we do but only know half...how come it turns out this way...is it juz becos we are junior therapist...AGRH!!!!

~deep breath~ hoo....~deep breath~ hoo.....

feel pek chek again...post mentural syndrome? dunno man...juz feel like slapping ppl or shaking them so hard that their necks fall off...like what u'll see in 'the simpsons'

nikki babe is back in s'pore! called her last nite...missed her voice leh...gonna meet her for dinner soon...hopefully she can make it...

miss my colleagues again...one of them called me yesterday...so funny...he called me to tell me that their loads are low and that they are decorating the activity room for x'mas...i wish i can join them...miss them so much suddenly...sigh...

i let auggy listen to that chipmunks x'mas song last nite...he was smiling so sweetly when he heard the voices...sooo cute...maybe should get the cd for him...

shall blog again later...

~thursday~
met up with yk and yd, my two big bullies...dinner was sorta suppose to be a belated birthday celebration with yk...didnt get him any pressie cos we dunno what he wants..so gave him red packet instead...

miss chatting with the two big bullies so much...talked about all sort of issues...which i dun get to talk about much lately...i did zone out quite a bit at times cos too tired...is that a sign of aging...

went to harry's before heading home...saw a bunch of kids in prom dresses and outfits celebrating someone's birthday...o man...18 yo and they are celebrating birthday in a pub...where was i when i was 18...yeah i do feel old somehow...

~fri~
went for squash from work...it's at a condo behind nyjc...the courts are so darn cool...it's air conditioned! only kallang has courts that are air conditioned and they charge at 10 bucks per hour! here in the condo it's free! next time if i were to purchase one i'll want it to come with squash courts too! that is if i get to purchase one...

played till 11 pm then...sigh my skills sux...think among all i'm the slowest and strokes are bad...time to focus on training man

after squash...went to daze with my girls...juz like good old days...so darn fun! reminds me of nyp days when we would go daze each sat without fail...we would juz go in our smelly attire and with our rackets...haha fun fun!

~sat~
went to work from 9-4...cos it's open house for JMC...suppose to have demonstrations on exercises with the use of gym balls and thera-bands...but our section ended up a huge playground for kids...with them swarming towards us to play with the gym balls...we became the unoffical nannies taking care of the kids while their parents are busy queuing up for free check ups or making purchases...our boss kept laughing whenever she walked pass our section...-_- tiring leh looking after so many kids...

after knocking off at 4...went for express pedicure with cindy...somewhat like a treat to ourselves...hehe...

met up with lionel and his frens for wala at nite...but sadly shirlyn wasnt performing then...so we head down to ms instead...went to a place called 'day bed bar'...appearently there was some private function going on...i think their theme was wig nite cos we saw lots of ppl with funny and colourful wigs...not to mention there's lots of ang mos, spgs, pretty babes...blah blah...

did i say the outside of this place was filled with huge couches for u to lie on...so i was practically lying down there looking at these ppl going in and out of the place...and of cos drinking at the same time...

after that...went to catch 'saw III'....i like the ending...cos there's a twist to it...other than that...the middle part was pretty boring...nearly dozed off...by the time movie ended...it was 4 am...

~sun~
nothing much except that i slept for most part of the day...suppose to meet gina,her hubby, bonnie and her bf for dinner...had headache so didnt go...anyway felt abit weird to join them too..cos i'll be like the odd one out...next time maybe...when i'm more up to it...

spent time with baby boy in the afternoon...
took him to ntuc to buy some stuff again...i quite enjoy bringing him out and spending time with him alone...although the carrying-him part always make my arms give way...

took him to the supermarket and let him sit in the trolley...quite fun...cos he'll help me put the items into the trolley and then go 'vroom vroom' as though he's riding a bike...haha...then let him walk back home from the void deck onwards...

he's so cute u know...he'll walk into the lift then attempt to press the lift buttons..but cos he's too short...he pressed the emergency bell instead...haha...

it's so fun to see him growing up bit by bit each day...i cant wait for the day when i can juz hold his hand and go out together...eh the carrying part is really too tough for me if we were to go beyond my house area..haha..

i closed my bedroom door so that i could use my computer in peace without baby boy disturbing me...

this little fellow protested by screaming and banging on the door...attempting to make me open it for him with his fake cries

so i told him 'call me gu gu first...then i'll open the door...'

no sound, nothing...

so i tot he went away since i aint reacting to any of his pleas nor can he call me...

i happily continue typing my stuff...

next moment i know...the door opened slowly and there came baby boy giving me that cheeky smile and walking those drunkard-like steps into my room...

bro was standing behind him at that moment...i stared at him and questioned him upon opening the door for auggy...he juz gave me that innocent look with two arms raise by his side and said ' i didnt do it...he opened it himself....'

who on earth will believe a 16-months toddler can reach the door hinge to open the door...

so i carried auggy out and closed my door to test him...

this little bugger happily tiptoed and stretched out his puny hand to reach for the hinge, pulled it down and pushed the door open -_-''

now i cant stop him from going into my room and i cant lock it either cos i cant rem where i put the keys to my door

and the best thing is...i wonder if i'm the one who drove him to attempt such act cos ultimately he rather open the door himself than call me 'gu gu'....dunno to cry or to laugh man...

first of all...'Happy Birthday Jessie!' many wishes to ya...MUACK!

went for squash this morning...so shiok! my stamina sux though....shall start training and get it back...
miss the old training days so much...glad that we can do it again! yippe...back to 3 training days a week? hopefully i wont be too dead...

went out for lunch with my squashies at amk mos...read sunday times,chatted and then head to bishan cos i'm looking for a book...thought i can find it at MPH...

i cant believe how blur i am...have gone to J8 so many times...i kept thinking that the old MPH was still around...completely ignorant bout it being replaced by Jean Yip Hub....sigh blur blur...

went back home after buying the book and was busy packing my room...it is simply too messy...i cant stand it...so manage to clear the rubbish that has been in my room for ages...

things i tot i've returned/lost but are actually sitting in my room include:
1. La Trobe acceptance letter for july 2007 which i told the IDP guy i didnt receive the hardcopy...i swear man...i really tot the one i have was for feb intake...

2. 'eat, shoots and leaves' - i know i know...ck, u're rolling ur eyes...i dunno how long i've borrowed it from u...

3. a necklace from yingkai years and years ago....

anyway spent the rest of the day shifting my stuff and making space in my room so that when baby boy comes in, he wont trip and fall...so in the end i've repositioned my bed to make space...

something funny to note...
i was shitting juz now and auggy keep coming to the toilet door...he will knock and go 'ahhhhh....' by the tiny gap of the door.... so i'll juz say ' i'm shitting, not done yet...call me gugu!!' then he'll walk away...he did this for like 3-4 times thru out my entire 'big business time'...it's so funny...it's like him checking on me while i shit...haha...someone does really care about moi shitting...muah haha...

worked till 8.30pm last nite...was giving some modular training...pretty fun and interactive...

pek chek...i juz feel so pek chek since yesterday...argh feel like screaming...

been having weird dreams again...now i'm darn tired...

ray is planning for us to form a team and join a club outside so that we can train up and compete with others to gain confidence..

i cant wait to get back to squash...seriously i missed those training days...make me feel so fit and healthy...not like now...darn flabby esp with me having things like curry puffs for breakfast....i miss trainings partly becos i miss the company of my fellow squash mates in the courts...doing drills and strokes together is always such a fun thing that you wont even feel tired...

lately i keep asking auggy to call me 'gu gu'....he'll always pat me on my chest when i ask him to call moi...then he will smile...but he juz wont pronouce the word 'gu gu'...hai yar dunno he purposely or that he still cant pronounce the word....but mom said he can voice ' kor kor' and he already can suck water from the straw...hmm...o well i shall be patient =p

did i mention i really like my phone...cos i can take photos and transfer them to my com...plus my ring tone can be any songs that i like...current song playing...tom diner....~cool~

i havent had enough courage to go for belly button piercing...still contemplating....hahaha...maybe that'll be my x'mas gift for myself...must start to psych myself...more....

he's such a cutie right?

he is scratching his tummy...haha

he's such a lucky chap...both my parents adore him so much!!! look at their smiles!

Followings are random pics that i took over the past one week with my phone...

here's some at my work place...

faulty splinting pan that nearly set my clinic on fire...


in the toilet....some funny note on the wall for the ladies

Next up....yixin's man yue...

proudly present to u...my god daughter...muah hahaha....

see...she slept soo soundly in my arms...actually she slept thru out the whole man yue...haha


first photo taken after apple has given birth...still looks good eh...hehe

Ck's birthday dinner last fri...

yd, me, papa ng, and the birthday boy...waiting for who??? yilong who is darn late!


the birthday boy...muack...u're one year older...HA!


the birthday cake!!! exactly like bentto!!!


me, ck, james and yd

ck and i...look how tired i am...i cant stand those eye bags

we've got nothing to do except taking photos...cos we're waiting for the bus to fetch us

the loooong corridor

singapore binnale

cindy and I at JMC

yes in my room again...

baby boy in room...

~monday~
went over NTU to join handsome and his friends in the core exercises...
da bao dinner over and ate in his room...started chatting about 'will and grace' and boy do i miss watching it...miss karen, jack, will and of cos grace!

the run within NIE was alright, much like a warmup...gym stations were THE killer esp those related to upper limbs...i had such a hard time doing them...even needed yd to help me lift the weight a bit...i think any more weight added my forearm will break man...

lower limbs exercises were alright for me...but not for yd...muah haha...he needs to moan in order to have THE energy to pull the machine up with his calves...it was hilarious and not to mention entertaining to see his facial expression through out the whole process...haha...good work out eh handsome...

till today...my arms dun seem mine...my hamstrings are tight...i'm aching all over...argh...but i do like the achy feeling...haha

~tuesday~
last min arrangement with my colleague to watch 'the guardian' cos he had free tics
went for dinner and shopped for a gift at tangs in vivo city before heading for the show...

movie was good except that we had to sit in the front row...strained my neck man...

~wednesday~
had to attend my colleague's wedding in the evening...
princess and i knocked off 15 min earlier and off we went to her place to bathe, change and doll ourselves up...

finally i get to see my fellow OT colleagues and my boss at the wedding...o man miss them so much...enjoyed myself during the dinner...chatting and updating them about on going events at jmc...

food was alright...perhaps i was hungry cos i ate quite alot..haha...the band at the wedding was good...jazz songs set the mood man...

got home at around 1130...and i concussed straight away....

tiring week!!! i need more sleep....

Yippee!!! gonna be an aunt again coming next june! soooo excited and happy!!! imagine another auggy walking around at home...muah haha...fun fun...

sis said maybe this time it's a girl...cos all the symptoms are different...she's been puking alot for this pregnancy...can only eat bland food....so poor thing...

meanwhile poor little chap has been sleeping in the living room with my dad cos sis is simply too tired to nurse him at nite...and my mom cant handle him thru the nite...cos she'll be lacked of sleep and will end up with headache...

went to see my god daugther yesterday...little yi xin....she's got alot of hair man....more than my auggy...haha...she slept thru the whole celebration of her man yue...rarely open her big eyes leh...very cute and chubby o...till i figure out how to transfer photos from my phone to com....i'll upload all the photos i've taken with my new phone =)

finally i get to see more than 1 pt today...the most challenging one...was not about her diagnosis...it was that i had to babysit her grandson and carry out treatment at the same time....

this little fellow is 1 year old++...juz like auggy...but he has more hair and walks more steadily than my baby boy....pretty cute too...

the moment he came into my treatment room...he started opening and closing drawers...imagine i had to lock and plug out the keys for every single drawer and cabinet...then half way thru the treatment session he started whining and asking for his granny to carry him...there was no way she could do that cos i gave her paraffin bath for one of her hands...in the end...i had to carry the baby and talk to the granny at the same time...

that's not all...the little boy started eating and spitting onto the floor...hai yo i have to go after him to clean him up and clean my room up...

in the end i had to cut short the treatment session cos the little boy started crying and wanting to get out the room....

the thing is...through out the whole session i didnt feel any tinge of frustration or anger at all leh...i can even try to explain to the granny all the exercises that she needs to do in the midst of the little boy crying....i wonder if the level of my patience has gone up a notch higher....or that auggy has trained me to be able to handle baby crisis thru and thru...hmm...seriously i didnt know i can tahan the whole thing...haha...

went sun tanning at sentosa on sat...it was fun!! weather was slightly gloomy at first but it turned out pretty nice a weather to be tanning in...

juz when we were baking ourselves, dozing off on the beach comfortably...this funny little dog came running...smearing his wet and sandy self on the 3 of us...and the best part was...he started rubbing his body on my tanning cloth as though trying to clean himself dry -_- luckily he didnt pee on us...if not i sure wack his tiny little butt to give him some toilet training...keke

done with tanning...went to to vivo to walk around...huge shopping place...tonnes of ppl...and becos it was crowded...my bag was often bummed and hit by others...and that pissed me off...yes i have big bag...but that doesnt mean u need to bum my bag when u walk pass....so irritating...

evening time...went to timbre again...this time round to see unxpected's performance in the open air...the food there is really good and so it the service and the alcohol...with the good band and good bunch of company...i had a real good time...

gals...thanx for sending me home last nite....as always drinking can never be as fun without the 3 of you...

was talking to aud last nite...she asked me how was i feeling...i guess subconsciously i've already had enough of the crap that he gave...so much so that it wasnt that hard this time round...i've really really really reached my limit of tolerance...i've tried so hard but now i juz feel exhausted....

and like what she said...i'm suppressing my emotions so that i dun have to feel anything at the moment...truth is i cant afford to let it out...i still need to work and face people every single day...

i wish i'm back at AH...i can at least push myself and take my mind off by seeing patients one after another...at least that was how i coped previously and that was why i lost so much weight during that period of time...stress, attachment in hands, being dumped...

i'm sorry if my blog sound boring lately...but juz for this period of time...at least let me get these things out of my system before i can safely say the old me is back...i'll bounce back...juz not at the moment...

this time round it's for real and it's starting to sink in...no msges no calls...not even an apology...which probably mean things got better after him not contacting me?

i didnt know i have such power to jinx ppl...whatever it is...i still hope that with me making the exit, things will perhaps turn better for him...

i know i've been very silly all these while...instead of learning to grow up...i'm going backward instead...

sux...I hate the feeling that i'm getting now...why do u keep blaming me for things that i have utterly no control of...i really have enough of these nonsense...

lost my phone in the cab on tuesday wee morning....damn...all my precious baby boy's photos are gone...gotten sim card replaced but using old faulty phone at the moment....still thinking if i should get a new phone...

went to sid's house for dinner on hari raya...nice food esp the chocolate cake...though i was the only friend there...didnt feel that awkward...maybe last life i was a malay...muah haha

ck, if u're reading this...u still owe me big big for flying my kite last min...do it again and i'll bite ur head off...

bored...thought first day will be hectic...but i only got to see one patient so far...

the good thing about my new work place is that i have a room and a computer all to myself...and i can decorate my work place...haha...i've placed the turtle on my pc...have decided to name it xiao bai (sorry chin han...didnt mean to use ur name...haha)...juz feel that the name suits the turtle =p very cute!

anyway i cant wait for weekends to come...will get to see little darrell! yeah yeah...perhaps this will be our jc gathering too...since most of the jc classmates are being invited...

suddenly i feel like doing mean things...argh...feel like screaming my lungs out...why do i always torment myself...why am i so weak emotionally...why why why....i think i do it deliberately so that i can feel the pain to stay alive...argh...wat am i doing....

i miss my colleagues in AH...one of them is sweet enough to buy me the 3-D turtle puzzle that i was looking for...i've gotten it fixed and it looked juz like the real one...so cute...shall have it placed in the office tomolo...

have to fight a war tomorrow....i hate it when i'm not in control of situation...feel so insecure...i hope the consultants will be merciful and not refer so many cases to me at one shot...

no matter how hard it is...i'll juz have to survive thru and thru...if i can get thru this jmc set up i'll be happy enough...

Little apple is out! 13/10/2006 11.40pm!

gonna go KKH to visit the mommy and baby later! so exciting! one baby after another! this time round is my goddaughter! woo hoo!

coming next sat is little darrell's one month...so fast right?! haha...

my little one at home juz starting to walk...he's so darn cute and cheeky...hehe...

anyway gotta go...

really tired...i should get back to my jogging soon...but with the haze going on...forget about it man...i'll choke on the haze...the air was darn smelly...eek...

btw took up fitness challenge last fri with my colleague...timing for my 2.4km was 12.14 min...and he got ahead of me by 1 s...wah haha....good to have someone to pace u when u jog...but i was aiming for 11 min plus...guess going up the slope twice was the killer for me...i would usually scream when i ran up slope...and my colleague will juz laugh at me cos he knows i really hated slopes....but by the second round...i was too darn tired to even complain...

placing my focus on work...been feeling tired again lately...dunno is it the weather or my body's condition...been eating quite abit too...o man i need to maintain my figure leh...cousin's wedding coming soon and i've bought a really nice dress for the occasion...cant afford to look pudgy...

met up to talk...watever it is...let it be...

he screamed his lungs out...hit the wall and pushed the fan onto floor...

i've grown up with him but i've never seen him behaved this way ever...it's as though he was crazy and couldnt stop himself...cracked under the pressure...he lost it completely for the moment...

i was so darn scared...nearly burst out crying...cos there was only two of us at home...i dunno know wat to do...i can only pick up the fallen fan...passed him water to calm him down...talk sense to him though i know nothing can get into his ears...

i still cant quite shake off the look on his face when he cracked that nite...i think she should see how he looked...perhaps she'll know how much stress he was under...

i know i shouldnt cry...but i still did...