Seriously not feeling well. Head feels like a tonne of weight. Despite sleep and rest, I still feel like shit! Sigh, hope the medication works.

Actually not too long ago, I met up with banker over an impromptu lunch. For my close pals, I think they will be getting ready to hit me hard on the head, questioning: how is it that you can still meet up with the jerk who hurt and torn you into million pieces...why on earth do you do that?!

I would want to think that deep down everyone's heart, there is always some goodness in him/her, despite whatever nasty things they have done in the past. I believe banker is one as well. I think part of him does feel guilty towards me, hence the occasional cordial msges and calls.

I know he has been calling me, it happened since beginning of the year. Each time, the calls were just missed calls. I didn't call back as I know, if it's important, he would contact me again. Anyway, a few Fridays ago, I was on my way back from the school to office. I was just checking my phone and his number appeared yet again.

Answered his call and we fixed the lunch right there and then. He picked me up at Bishan and we went to have chicken rice for lunch. Simple as that.

Nothing changed. He was still the same old banker, foul mouth at times, trying to be funny and no doubt cordial. No funny stunts, nothing. I did accidentally scratch his Volkawagen car while opening the door as it was too near the pillar (so much win, I tell ya! Though the scratch was barely visible). Anyway, he grumbled, I told him to shut up, stop being a whiner and let's head for lunch.

It's funny, how life turned out. Seeing him after so many years, just makes me see with such clarity - that he's everything that I do not want in my boyfriend or husband. I have absolutely no clue how I could stick with him for such a long time. Perhaps that's why friends around me were all so frustrated with me back then.

He called me again on that Sunday, and then again on Monday. Both were missed calls. Last weekend, I decided to send him a msg:

Hey, I know you've been trying to call me a few times. The impromptu lunch we had the other day was great. Kinda give me a proper closure somehow. I dun think I can bring myself to remain in contact with you anymore. Seeing you just reminded me of that past event that I had. I dun loathe you but there's never a day I dun think about it over the past years and seeing you just make it worse. I hope you understand. Wish you well. Take care.

And that's that. It took me this long to initiate this without any feeling - no guilt, no sadness, nothing. And it took me this long to finally close this chapter for good.

It's a good feeling somehow and I'm very glad that I made it this far =)

Out..

I met the two of you about the same time 3 years ago...

Little did I know, you have such common grounds with him...

Haven't we always been friends? There wasn't much contact in between cos of the things that happened and eventually you were with someone else while I was with him. Now, you are with another person while I'm on my own.

Like him, you appeared intermittently in my life. Like him, you tried to put me in the exact same position. Haven't you heard, Jayna is still under construction...healing in progress...

I'm human, I have feelings. I'm the youngest child and one thing for sure, I really hate to share.

Let me do the nasty job here. I'll draw the line. Just because I'm nice to you, doesn't mean you can use me as a tool.

You want company, go look for your girlfriend. You want company, go look for your wife.

Like him, I'm striking your name out. Both of you.

Wow...

I thought my life was drama enough, until I read this.

He reminded me of banker...I didn't know there are other guys like him...

Similar traits...two-timing or multiple timing, likes to play mind games and most importantly...one who lies ALOT to get his way through...

Perhaps my situation was not as bad, considering there is no kiddo in the picture to deal with...

While you took the convenient way to save yourself and lied your way through...

I have to learn to kill my own demons created while I was with you...

Pls protect your precious and make sure they dun end up with someone like yourself in future...

Crashing once again...

I'm not okie...

I said I am but I seriously am not...

You will never know the tears I've had since Sept...the very first time I called you while breaking down horribly in the bus was the very first of the many many episodes...did you feel my pain?

You will never know the fear I had everytime when you told me they have been read...did you know I was literally scared?

You will never know the torment I went through while I handled the aftermath on my own...did you know I thought of the many beautiful things that I actually have the abilities to become?

You will never know the guilt I had in covering up for you...did you know I hate to lie?

You will never know how not okie I am at this very moment...did you know I was pretty much getting better before you called?

You took me as an easy ride...I've let you taken me as the easy ride...did you know I was foolish enough to take your words for real?

Did you know?

Hurt beyond words...

Yes, I've cried tonnes...I think since last Sept...then again last Xmas, and again in Jan and then now...

Yes, I dun have the right to cry tonnes in the first place...

I am not proud of what I've done...

Yes, I should have known it coming and be able to leave unconditionally...but part of me couldn't bear to let go...

Yes, I shouldn't have followed my heart, thinking or rather hoping things will be different this time round...

It's back to July 2007...

The only difference is, I dun think I need closure this time round...

You've shown me enough to know what to hope for...only to be disappointed over and over again...

You said you're glad to have shared your life with me...I wanted to reply 'me too'...but some things were just not good enough...

It was never good enough...

I'm sorry it turned out this way...

Give me a sign to go from here...

Proper explanation and apologies. That's what I have been seeking all along.

I've only told a few around me, that I met up with Banker on the New Year Day itself.

The moment we saw each other, we just smiled. No tears, no hatred, no-feel-like-punching-his-face kinda feeling. Peace and at ease.

We just sat at the cafe and talked. He showed me his little girl's photos. She's adorable! Really a cute angel.

Stupid? Naive? Big heart? To agree upon meeting up with the man that broke me into million pieces.

I'm only human, I just want a closure that I've always needed - a proper one, face to face.

Tears since July are finally out of my system, words that I've planned to say to him I've said it. Time to look ahead =)

Sigh

I couldn't sleep last night. And when I finally did, I actually dreamt of him...

Dreamt that I bummed into him just like how we did the other time under the UOB building. I dreamt that he pulled my arm and wanted to talk to me but I refused to. I walked on...

I hope in real life I won't be able to recognize his face among the crowd. That I'll be the usual blur self and walk my own path. Like how I did the past two times when mr h saw me but not the other way round until my pal pointed out to me and until mr h, himself smsed me....

The usual me will smile, at people I rarely know; at people whom I just got to know; at little babies or toddlers; at old granny or grandpa; at nasty patients or clients even. That's just me. It doesn't hurt to smile, I smile to myself at times when I'm happy, I smile at dogs even. A little nutty, yes I admit.

But to you, if I ever see you again, I dun want to smile at you, I dun want to be able to recognize you because frankly I won't know how to react if i really bummed into you again....

I seriously hope that it will not happen in real life...

Never let me go...

Been wanting to finish reading this book. Finally I did and it left me with tinge of sadness...

Sometimes things are just not meant to be right from the start. Despite the fact that everything else seems valid and substantial enough to support whatever idea one has...

the only thing that is left will be the memories in the past...

You know, things are never quite the same...those memories I have with you never quite left me yet...as much as I keep pushing them back whenever I get reminded of you, I still get those flashbacks...

I've lost faith...I reckon I've been a lousy player all along...I'll never be smart enough to win this game. So let's just say I quit...for, at the moment I have utterly no courage to venture near anyone who may have the chance to stir my feelings...for, I fear I'll get near someone like you...

I'll juz freeze it and make sure it'll never melt no matter how sweet some words are or how tempting it may be...

it's juz the way it is...

now it'll only be me, mysef and I

....and i can soo do with a drink or two right now...damn it...

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind...

It's back to haunt me yet again...

1 year of lies...

to begin with...

everything about him is fake...

everything about us is fake...

I'm nothing but another lie in his life...

another lie for him to flaunt...

another lie to be told....

another lie to be twisted and manipulate...

how i wish...

that the feelings i have now can be easily erased...

as easy as the way he had created this big and wonderful tale for me to partake...

I want to be like the girl in Eternal Sunshine...

to not remember...

to not regconise...

to have my pray'r accepted...

to have my wish resign'd...

schl term juz started this week...so far pretty alright...some lecturers are interesting while some can really put you to sleep...trying to make the best out of it...

went for drinks last nite and gotten tipsy...was giggly and all...ended up bumming over at alison's place for the nite then head for lecture in the morning...

i know i aint suppose to get crazy and stuff but i really need the booze...information overload....when everything starts to make more sense and become clearer...the emotions juz hit you right in the face...

i hate the fact that despite me being so far away...he still manages to create such ripple effects on me...

seriously i've never hated anyone as badly as i hate him...

mixed feelings

you were already with her when you asked me to be your girl...

you were married and you STILL asked me to be your girl...

you asked me to come back to you when you ALREADY have a baby girl of 6 mths...

what were you thinking? that i'm overseas so i'll never know the truth? or that there's no way of you getting busted at all?

it's okie that you toyed with my feelings...eventually i'll recover and heal...i'm pretty sure of that...what i hated most is that you've ruined your baby girl's life with all these fucking white lies...tonnes of them in fact...how will she feel when she grows up learning that she was brought to this world for the wrong reason?

how can you still insist that you've always wanted to be with me? how can you still say all those things when your wife told me she suspects she maybe pregnant again...juz 6 mths after she had given birth...

perhaps ignorant is the best...knowing all these truth makes me sick to the stomach...you were dumber than i thought...seriously...doesnt matter that you were from RI, VJC, a degree holder or holding a job in the bank...you are way too confident...so much so that you finally get exposed totally...

i'm not trying to be mean...but seriously...pray hard that your baby girl wont get to meet someone like you when she grows up...

what goes around comes around...really...

Surf Trip 20-22!!!

In case you're wondering where the hell I've been...haha...here's a quick update...

Went to great ocean road trip with the surf club...did surfing in this freaking cold weather...saw the great apostles...meet fun ppl...made frens and had tonnes of fun!!! Yippee!!! CRAZY idea to go surfing in this freaking weather but it was really great fun!

Will update loads of photos soon...once they are compiled...

i realised i'm back in the same position...wanting to know the truth and god showed me all of it...am so glad that i'm not her...cos it is such a pathetic state to be in...knowing your husband of less than a year has been telling the lies all along and it involves a baby girl...

he seriously gotten busted this time round...liar liar...HIS pants have finally caught fire...

I'm leaving on the jetstar...eh no...Quantas plane...

Leaving today...

Last nite was listening to Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars...then this msg came...

' Whatever happened it's all in the past. Just let go. You have a bright future ahead. Study hard and do your very best. Wishing you the very best :-) '

Like Grey's Anatomy...seemed sad yet perfect ending for its season 1...

And I totally love it...

I didnt reply...because in my world...this is the best way to end...

What the....

That's too much for me...first banker's calls...now mr h's sudden sms...wah liao...can there ever be a better timing than this...

2nd time such things happened...

get lost man...argh....

The L word....

~Last day of work~

Yipppeee! Went back AH on my last day of work. Sigh, didnt get to talk much with my colleagues cos lunch break was at auditorium, listening to vision alignment. As usual, CEO always have the last say. Thing is, the talk aint that bad, some of his view points do make sense, juz not all...haha

3 of my colleagues including my boss took half day off cos they knew i'll be around to help out in the hands department. Doink...so i ended up spending my afternoon in the stuffy-air con-not working dept. Luckily Lynn and my lovely TAs were around.

It's been awhile since i get to see 4 patients at the same time. Kinda messy but still i like multi-tasking in this case, time passed so much faster.

Boss was nice enough to buy me lunch and soya bean milk. Went for the lunch talk together, juz like those days when i was her student. She's so sweet can, bought me this portable speakers as farewell gift. Really cool, considering my only portable ones are the 'hello kitty' speakers that mom bought years ago. I'll probably pack it for my study=)

Her last msg for me was funny too...apologised that she had to rush off cos she need to be home for pest control guy to kill the termites in her house and that she hope we can be colleagues again. Soo sweet...

I'll probably visit them after my vietnam trip, either to give them goodies from vietnam or be their 'marks n spencer' girl again =) Of cos i'll go back to visit jmc too...hehe...my cups and cactus still there le...

~Loser~

Banker called with a new no. WTF...prank call me 3 times cos i couldnt recognise his voice.

What is it you want? If you wanna tell me you've gotten a new no. juz tell me, juz tell me straight. And if you're bored, look for other girls who can give u better entertainment than i do...for god sake...you're reaching the end of ur big 3...be like one...

~The L word~
It's a drama series. Go search on youtube. Quite nice =)

Sigh i miss will and grace...damn i should get my lappy soon so that i can watch the dvds before i fly....

a present for myself

Lots of stuffs running through my head...

What exactly does he want from that call after not contacting for a month or so? To know that i'm finally fine without him; to know that i've settled my study loan; to know that i'll be leaving aussie soon; to try and see if my line is still working?

To be frank, I want to keep him as a friend. But thinking back, i wasn't able to trust him totally or give him the trust that he needed when we were in the relationship. What makes me think we can still be friends?

Actually i'm not upset, neither am i disappointed. Right now i'm happy being on my own. No more emotional torment which is something i don't want to handle and not capable of handling. I want to cry for myself becos of myself...i want to do things according to my schedule and my likings, my way...i dun want to get upset becos someone cant fulfill the expectations that i have...

Anyway my birthday is coming soon...Gave myself a belated birthday gift which i should have gotten in 2006...Been wanting to get it for a year but didn't becos back then banker didnt like it...

Tadaa...














Pardon my flabby tummy arh...

Anyway, finally got down to get my naval piercing done! Happy and proud that i've finally gotten it! Thank you Jessie for keeping me companied, helped me take photos and distracted me during the process...hehe. Btw i got it done on 29th March, so now the piercing has more or less healed. And so is my wound...

My purple gem...will always be a reminder to me...

p/s: dodo and ah ping, if u're reading this...don't tell ur mama i got naval piercing arh...cos my mama dunno =p ...no one knows in my family except auggy when he lifted up my shirt to peek-a-boo at my duuu qiii all the sudden...that was our little secret...haha...hope he wont do that again when mama is around =p

pauses...

i admit...i lost myself completely the moment i stepped into this relationship...lost as in not lost in the midst of lovey dovey moments but lost the 'me' in me...

did stupid things that i thought i wont do; reacted the way i thought i wont react; cried the number of times i thought i wont cry; placed myself in a position so low that i thought i'll never allow myself to be in; lied to someone whom i thought i'll always be truthful to...

he's not the best lover, he's not good looking, not sensitive, not loaded, not well tempered, not someone who will keep to his promises all the time...then why did i hang on to this relationship so darn tightly?

I like his confidence, i like the way he communicate at times when he puts in effort and is not busy playing his ps2, i like the way he explained things to me at times...i thought he can be the one to guide me through life...i thought i can tap onto his confidence level and grow with him in life...i stubbornly wanted to prove that we can make this relationship work despite the age and mentality differences...

it's juz like me wanting to study chinese in NUS and be a chinese teacher back then...i stubbornly held on to this idea and tried getting into the teaching line desperately...applied; reject; applied; reject...till i felt so depress that i could no longer function confidently as a being...i stubbornly wanted to prove that i can do it...i stubbornly held on to it and rejected all other options in life...

yes, never learn my lesson...always land myself in the 'jiao tou lan e' state then i'll start to realise i need to let things go...

it is hard to let go, it is hard to admit defeat for someone as stubborn as i am...but now i have to...for myself, for ppl who love me...

i am afterall not that bad right? i'm still whole and abled, still mentally sound, still has the ability to communicate and appreciate things in life, still has the capability of making myself pretty...haha....

sigh i juz want to be like the past- drunk, giggly, carefree, blur, silly...most imptly, love myself more than i should be...

Closure...

Managed to get thru to him last nite. He sounded indifferent. O well, what's new. No doubt i have contributed to that, somehow i also know he doesnt have the capacity to take it anymore. At least now we both know that there is no point continuing and dragging each other along.

He told me to grow up and that i'll always be a nobody if i continue to think that way -_-

Ultimately, he cant support me the way i wanted him to, esp emotionally. Perhaps i'm juz not strong enough...whatever it is...he's outta moi life! finally...

Anyway, everything will start anew. Chinese New Year coming. I juz wanna enjoy myself and prepare for my study. Speaking of which, i havent settle my study loan yet =p

cry cry cry...after today...no more...

seriously, i can do with a drink or two right now...i really really need it!

gonna do that with ray and jessie on sat....

since i dun have to ans to anyone or make promises not to drink anymore...i shall be the karen walker-alike jayna once more...i miss that...really...i miss drinking and chilling with my girls and pals in peace...

the downward spiralled r/s has come to an extend that i had enough and he had enough too...right now i truly appreaciate him not contacting me at all...it really makes things easier...no more being softhearted or guilty and going back to the vicious cycle...although at times i do miss him, his silly smiles, the stupid things we did together, his hug, his kisses and him smelling my hair...i'll miss all thsoe...but somehow all these doesnt sustain the r/s a single bit....

i'll go into deep deperssion if this go on....I need to get myself fixed...by myself....

i lost the ability to trust...perhaps it's like 'blink'....somehow, somewhere i juz know something is not right, something is not true in him but i cant pin point it....and silly me juz want to find facts to prove it but cant find anything concreate and in the end gottan a fake hope...a fake product - our r/s...

I want to start afresh....i'm so glad i'll be leaving for melbourne soon...i cant stay here anymore...not that i wont miss my frens...i'll miss every single one of them...but i cant expect them to help me pull myself up...i juz need some place new to start a new life...proving to myself i can actually survive very well alone in a foreign land....

no more jerks...i hate them...i had two in a row...enough is enough...i'll pull down that bus stop if i can...perhaps at that point of time, i believe too much in fate...or that i'm juz simply being too naive and dumb...agrh....

i'm bursting...my heart felt so heavy....

so...i shall go and sleep...it's the best remedy...at least for now...

alone...

went out alone for the whole day...

caught a movie on my own at bishan....walked around alone...finally bought the socks that i needed...no more smelly feet...yeah...

head down to look for nikki after the movie...her granny juz passed away...so i thought i'll go down to look for her and give her support...reminds me of ah ma's funeral somehow...
hope that she'll get enough rest and not get too exhausted...

walked from punggol mrt station back home...it was drizzling...cooling nite...helps to clear my mind...'who the fuck you think you are, giving me attitude...' i'll not forget those words...
right from the beginning i'm juz a nobody...before the mess, in the midst of the mess and now after the mess...

this nobody has decided to fade off...afterall...i'm juz a nobody...