a present for myself

Lots of stuffs running through my head...

What exactly does he want from that call after not contacting for a month or so? To know that i'm finally fine without him; to know that i've settled my study loan; to know that i'll be leaving aussie soon; to try and see if my line is still working?

To be frank, I want to keep him as a friend. But thinking back, i wasn't able to trust him totally or give him the trust that he needed when we were in the relationship. What makes me think we can still be friends?

Actually i'm not upset, neither am i disappointed. Right now i'm happy being on my own. No more emotional torment which is something i don't want to handle and not capable of handling. I want to cry for myself becos of myself...i want to do things according to my schedule and my likings, my way...i dun want to get upset becos someone cant fulfill the expectations that i have...

Anyway my birthday is coming soon...Gave myself a belated birthday gift which i should have gotten in 2006...Been wanting to get it for a year but didn't becos back then banker didnt like it...

Tadaa...














Pardon my flabby tummy arh...

Anyway, finally got down to get my naval piercing done! Happy and proud that i've finally gotten it! Thank you Jessie for keeping me companied, helped me take photos and distracted me during the process...hehe. Btw i got it done on 29th March, so now the piercing has more or less healed. And so is my wound...

My purple gem...will always be a reminder to me...

p/s: dodo and ah ping, if u're reading this...don't tell ur mama i got naval piercing arh...cos my mama dunno =p ...no one knows in my family except auggy when he lifted up my shirt to peek-a-boo at my duuu qiii all the sudden...that was our little secret...haha...hope he wont do that again when mama is around =p

Pop! Goes my heart

This is one MTV that i can't help but laugh whenever i watch it. It's so darn catchy and funny. So...80s and early 90s...o man...i'm giving my age away...Haha...



For Gage...Told you the mtv is very hilarious...dunno if you've watched it. Since you've dedicated 'Don't write me off' to me on your blog...i'll dedicate this to you...hopefully it'll be embedded in your head even till your last paper in the exam hall...Just like the first time i let you listen to the song at HMV...only that this time round there's graphics to bug you with it...muah haha

to be continued...

Yippee....sweet sweet handsome came over my clinic again! Gave me some of his crackers...haha

Last nite we went Marks & Spencer and we each bought different packets of crackers. So i kept bugging him to tell me if his is nice when he goes home to try. You know how i can be forgetful and repeat the same old qn from time to time. Haha...I think i've bugged him enough and he actually gave me some of his in a containter today...hoho...Thanx o!

I sooooo dun wanna play the game later...not that i'm a sore loser...I just dun wanna face those bitches....as bitchy as i am....i can never reach their level of bitchy~ness...maybe in another 20 years time....but then again...i'm sure i'll still be a lovable aunty =p

姑姑...爱你...

Tell me...how can i not melt when my baby boy said that to me yesterday morning. No idea where he learnt that from but it's soooo darn sweet!

You know that you've grown up when...

You're the one to bring your mama to see the consultant and do all the talking while she sits on the plinth very compliantly like a little girl. One thing to take note...she didnt interrupt me at all throughout the whole consultantaion which is soooo darn rare....

You're the one paying for lunch after realising your mama seemed to be fetching for her wallet in slooow motion and digging deep deep deep down into her handbag...

You're handling all the necessary paperwork on your own and that your parents still have no idea where exactly you're going for your study...

You're hitting 25 which is suppose to be your peak only to find that you're actually juz 5 years away from the big 30 and that you're frantically in the midst of looking for anti-aging products to prolong the youthful look....

Sigh...What am i rambling about...everytime when i'm stepping into the month of May i'll go into this fuzzy mode...sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes even sian...What is wrong with me man...

Maybe i should start planning what to do for my birthday to keep myself occupied and at least provide myself with something to look forward to...but then again...i'm tired of making calls...making the arrangements...

Just done clearing sis's vomit in her bedroom corridor...massive puke...bro and i gotta clear it up using newspapers... mom dun even dare to go near cos we all know she'll definitely puke if she smell of the vomit...we were practically gliding thru the vomit and the oily floor...

So glad that i've always made it to the toilet bowl before my puke come gushing out...good trainings i've had all these while...hahahaha....

start with green...end with purple....

~code green~
Everyone in my house is taking turn to fall sick...first is moi, then papa, then auggy and now bro...

Auggy and bro been puking. The two boys always fall sick together and it's always the baby pass to the dad. That's how potent baby germs are...

Was feeding him milk before he slept, trying to burp him. He coughed and started looking abit weird. Before i could carry him off mama's bed, his veg-mushroom-porriage-dinner came splashing out of his puny mouth and onto moi! Sigh...his puke didnt kena him at all cos it went horizontally out onto my arms and legs. So...i have to hold him an arm length away from his own puke, wait for mama to carry him to toilet to wash off, then sit still and not move an inch from the bed while i wait for some kind soul to get me paper towels to at least wipe off the puke from my arms and legs before i can walk from my parent's room to the toilet.

Tell me, which single and avaliable woman can stand being covered in puke for approx 5 min or more, analyzed the puke contends and wonder what did baby boy have for dinner, while waiting for paper towels to come my way so that i can clean up without giving a word of 'Yucks....' or ' EEEee vomit vomit' ?? Perhaps cos it doesnt smell and i was too engross in looking at what he had puked out...haha

I think working in hospital helps a great deal. I mean it's not as though i've never cleaned up patients' shit or puke before, so what's with baby's puke? Either that or my tolerance for gross stuff is way higher than anyone else...Or best...the combi simply makes me the ultimate gross champion...HA haha hahaha...

On a different note...
Handsome made my day =) Moi love surprises! Big or small i dun care...i juz looove surprises! ~jump jump~

At first when my therapy assistant told me someone was looking for me, i thought which patient wanna see me to have earlier appt for physio...again...haha...

It turned out to be sweet sweet yd, who came looking for me for lunch! Yippee...so happy to see him standing outside my clinic! It's the effort that counts and i appreciate that a hell lot! Seriously, it makes my day so much more bearable =)

Jia you for your french tomolo handsome...though i dunno how to say jia you in french...anyway juz write whatever u can lar...

See ya on Sunday!

smiling with tears...

Went to Wala with audrey last nite. It's a simple girls' nite out. We eat, we drink, we bitch. Thanx for asking me out and listening to my complaints. If not for u asking, i'll probably be at home nua~ing as usual. Had so much fun grooving to the songs, laughing our hearts out. Appreciate your company woman=)

Bumped into yk. The moment he saw me, we juz burst out laughing. As usual, i'm greeted with a flick and a punch by this big bully of mine. Stupid pig, when will you ever stop abusing me, i'm already left with skin n bones =p

Bumped into L too. He's suppose to be alone but decided to crash with us girls. Hoped he's had his share of fun.

Shirlyn made my day. Sang 'starlight' and 'time is running out' which are currently my favourite songs. Sang ' Locomotion' which reminds me of ck. Sang ' Grace Kelly' which reminds me of yd. Not that i havent seen them for very very long. But somehow i juz miss hanging out with them. I kept telling myself - gee...it'll be good to groove to 'their' songs should they be present.


Auggy is sick. Fever and vomitting. Heartache. I miss the cheeky, bubbly him. ~Speedy recovery baby~

I havent seen him much this week cos from mon to wed i was home late. By the time i'm home, he's asleep. I didnt know i miss him that much. Fact is, i miss him alot...To the extend that i decided to skip a workshop that i'm suppose to attend to go home in the excuse that 'i'm tired'. Actually i juz wanna play with him. Hug him and kiss kiss him.

I did hit him really hard on his palm though, for he threw some stuff out of the window despite me telling him not to. He cried pretty badly at the fourth time i hit his palm and was asking me to 'bao bao...bao bao...' . Okie, i ended up carrying him and soothing him after that. I know i know, i'm going to be a bad mother...o man...


Had the craving for potato chips and i ended up finishing one whole mango on my own at 11.30pm. Healthy snack it is but not so healthy to consume it at such late hour. Me eating mango, me eating it at such hour, me staying home doing nothing but watching tv all day long juz reminded me of someone. Someone whom i was told was rotten and so not worth remembering but i still did. Someone whom i've gotten reminded of suddenly when one of my babes sent me the song that he told me he liked. He had that song in his car on repeat mode back then and it's on repeat mode in my nano now. Now that i recall, no wonder i dreamt of him last nite.

I know i'll be better off without you and so do you. Good luck in whatever you do....

My name

You entered: Yeong Jiahui, Jayna

There are 16 letters in your name.
Those 16 letters total to 76
There are 8 vowels and 8 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 4

The characteristics of #4 are: A foundation, order, service, struggle against limits, steady growth.

The expression or destiny for #4:
Order, service, and management are the cornerstones of the number 4 Expression. Your destiny is to express wonderful organization skills with your ever practical, down-to-earth approach. You are the kind of person who is always willing to work those long, hard hours to push a project through to completion. A patience with detail allows you to become expert in fields such as building, engineering, and all forms of craftsmanship. Your abilities to write and teach may lean toward the more technical and detailed. In the arts, music will likely be your choice. Artistic talents may also appear in such fields as horiculture and floral arrangement, as well. Many skilled physicians and especially surgeons have the 4 Expression.

The positive attitudes of the 4 Expression yield responsibility; you are one who no doubt, fulfills obligations, and is highly systematic and orderly. You are serious and sincere, honest and faithful. It is your role to help and you are required to do a good job at everything you undertake.

If there is too much 4 energies present in your makeup, you may express some of the negative attitudes of the number 4. The obligations that you face may tend to create frustration and feelings of limitation or restriction. You may sometimes find yourself nursing negative attitudes in this regard and these can keep you in a rather low mood. Avoid becoming too rigid, stubborn, dogmatic, and fixed in your opinions. You may have a tendency to develop and hold very strong likes and dislikes, and some of these may border on the classification of prejudice. The negative side of 4 often produces dominant and bossy individuals who use disciplinarian to an excess. These tendencies must be avoided. Finally, like nearly all with 4 Expression, you must keep your eye on the big picture and not get overly wrapped up in detail and routine.

Your Soul Urge number is: 8

A Soul Urge number of 8 means:
With an 8 soul urge, you have a natural flair for big business and the challenges imposed by the commercial world. Power, status and success are very important to you. You have strong urges to supervise, organize and lead. Material desires are also very pronounced. You have good executive abilities, and with these, confidence, energy and ambition.

Your mind is analytical and judgment sound; you're a good judge of material values and also human character. Self-controlled, you rarely let emotions cloud judgment. You are somewhat of an organizer at heart, and you like to keep those beneath you organized and on a proper track. This is a personality that wants to lead, not follow. You want to be known for your planning ability and solid judgment.

The negative aspects of the 8 soul urge are the often dominating and exacting attitude. You may have a tendency to be very rigid, sometimes stubborn.

Your Inner Dream number is: 5

An Inner Dream number of 5 means:
You dream of being totally free and unrestrained by responsibility. You see yourself conversing and mingling with the natives in many nations, living for adventure and life experiences. You imagine what you might accomplished.

Take it here

~PMS~

If i'm a bipolar disorder patient, i think i'm currently in the manic stage now. I want to get myself a pair of gucci shades, get my hair coloured, manicure and pedicure done, buy myself pretty dresses, give my malnurished body some really good food, buy the camera that i need, get the lappy that i gotta have, buy tonnes of shoes that i fancy, purchase all the nice sexy bras and bikinis that i can never get enough of...Get the things i want, buy the things i desire without ANY consideration

Of course, in reality, i still have the ability to delay such gratifications. So...none of those for moi...~ROAR~

I'm currently in this sian mode which i dunno how to describe....

At times all sorts of input from the surrounding and the ppl keeps flowing my way 24/7 non-stop...I juz feel like putting both hands to my ears, close my eyes and shut things out from my system completely.

Was in dilema in the beginning of this week due to new launch of study programme here. Seriously, when i finally set my mind to do something for myself, things like that have to pop up. Then i'll have to take a step back to re-evaluate all that i've planned. You know that kind of feeling?

Will be going for the briefing on Sun. See what's the difference between it being offered here and in melbourne. Why this year? i tot it's gonna start next year or 2009. Perhaps someone up there is telling me that i've made a wrong move - that i should have gone last year? If i were to go for it last year, everything will be so different....

wah sick again...

Went for a jog yesterday evening. It was merely a 4.8km jog. Then came the running nose. So i slept early at around 9 plus (which is so darn rare). Next came the fever. And yes, everytime i am bound to play for the squash match, i'm sick. Two weeks ago was like that and same for today.

Even a patient whom i saw two weeks ago asked me if i'm having sinus or flu again. Man...what's wrong with my system. Just dun understand how come i get flu and fever so often. Sianz

On a happier note, fen babe came down to watch me play my match. Hee, okie lah...i was abit nervous but after awhile i'm fine. As usual, i lost but at least i didnt score nothing this time round. But after the match, i think my fever went up a notch higher.

Babe, thanx for making your way down...appreciate that! In fact no one has done that before....hehe...

I'm glad i didnt type the msg, i'm glad i didnt press send...

gonna go sleep...hope tomolo will feel much much better...

Came across this video ~nice~
Title sorta describes how i felt on saturday nite =)



I’ve been twisting and turning,
In a space that’s too small.
I’ve been drawing the line and watching it fall,
You’ve been closing me in, closing the space in my heart.
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart.

Chorus
Well I can’t explain why it’s not enough, Cause I gave it all to you.
And if you leave me now, oh just leave me now.
It’s the better thing to do,
It’s time to surrender,
It’s been to long pretending.
Theres no use in trying,
When the pieces don’t fit anymore, Pieces don’t fit here anymore.

You pulled me under,
If I had to give in.
Such a beautiful myth,
That’s breaking my skin.
Well I’ll hide all the bruises,
I’ll hide all the damage that’s done.
But I show how I’m feeling until all the feeling has gone.

(Chorus)

Ooh don’t missunderstand,
How I feel.
Cause I’ve tried, yes I’ve tried.
But still I don’t know why, no I don’t know why.
III dont know why…… whyyyyyyyy!

(Chorus)

should have just...

gone home and not make the effort. I thought my presence will be appreciated and perhaps friendship will be very much the same as before.

So wrong...

Awkwardness lingered in the air and I knew at that point of time - it'll never be the same again. In the first place, it was my choice to terminate the friendship. So why did i even expect it to be the same again when it was refound...

selfish of me to think that way eh...

i'll just keep my distance from now...i think it's better that way...

The ninniy nanny

This is what happened when u're single, have no plan for the weekends and that ur bitches are having exams...

Man...i so wanna go sun tanning but the thought of going alone will only mean i'll end up nua~ing at home...

gotten woken up by auggy knocking on my door, calling me AGAIN...this time round it's the biggest boy who asked him to do that - my dad...why is it that they always like to disturb moi and moi beauty sleep! Darn...

Got nothing to do so ended up taking photos and video while being the nanny...

Contented....

yeah...mission no. 2 accomplished! Met up with NUS biatch for dinner at vivo. Had japanese food for dinner...yummy yum yum...so worth the money and the food is good! Let's do that again after exams k...

Thanx for listening to my nonsense and my updates...i miss hanging out with you for dinner like today...hang in there k...with ur proj done soon soon and ur exams...you'll be able to join me at the beach for tanning session in no time...

To all my bitches having exams...last lap to run...hang in there! Sorry arh no cookies this year cos i no time to bake any =p

okie me tired liao...need to sleep...~~

Yippee...

Mission no. 1 - Da bao 3 combo meals from Long John Silver; one turkey breast chicken and a cold cut trio sandwich from subway

Not that my bitches consist of 4 of them. In fact, i was juz da bao~ing for yd and sze, additional ones are for yd's neighbours...see i very nice hor =p

Eh dunno why but i love to da bao food to yd's hostel and makan with him. Not that i've done that often but juz like the idea of sitting on the floor to eat with him n sze, listen to music, nua and chit chat.

Went for a walk and we ended up at the Art building in NTU. Nice place to hang out. We juz sat there and talk. About career, about future, about adulthood, about life...Under the sky, under the planes, under the stars...with one or two bats flying around occassionally and with yd's humming in hope of shooing them off...haha...

Had yummy waffles with ice cream before we decided to head home...

Thanx for tonite algea man and papa ng...

Mission no. 1 accomplished...next up...mission no. 2 with my NUS biatch...

Stay tune...

New found jealousy

Residual happiness is still in my blood. I cant stop smiling even till now...So darn happy can!

Saturday was such an eventful day despite me waking up at 7 am; travelling down to ICA building; standing around for 1.5 hours to collect my passport; rushing down to cineleisure to catch 'Conversation with other woman' at 11.30am; purchasing nice nice bra at CK tang and nua~ing at starbucks for my much needed coffee and lunch.

Spent a good half of the day with myself, on my own. Great to do my own stuff at my own pace! No one to rush me, no one to say 'no' to the things i do.

Met up with Yk in the evening. Made me such a happy woman for the rest of the day! Gotten my early birthday gift from him - Shirlyn's CD! To top it off, he took me to her CD launching event at the outdoor esplanade! It was such a great performance! I just couldn't stop beaming throughout the whole event! Not that i've not seen Shirlyn performed before. It been near half a year since i last went to Wala to chill out. I missed her voice and the UnXpected's performance so much! The only thing that was lacking during the performance was a nice cold cold beer in my hand! haha

O and i bumped into a fren who loves Shirlyn juz as much as i do...so happy to see him despite him not able to recognise me and walked past me like i'm a total stranger -_- I didnt know my hair style makes me look so different...nice to be able to watch the performance 'with' him after a good half year of no contact

O i went to get autograph from Shirlyn at the end of the performance! haha...like wat i did 3 years back! Man...i'm like a little fan..being excited and happy to get her to sign the CD for me...so darn silly...haha...

HAPPY!!!! Thank you oki buta! I know i dun see much of you but whenever i do, it's always filled with laughters and happiness and occassional brusies...haha...

abcdefg@!#@%$%...stupid bro...

Yeah! It's Good Friday! Which means it's a public holiday! Which means no work! Which means i get to sleep in!

BUT NO!!!

Stupid bro kept asking auggy to shout for me at my door. Big kid went ' Quick quick, shout Gu Gu to wake her up!' and little one will juz go ' GUuu GUuu! GUuu GUuu! GUuuu GUuuu!' First time at around 9 am, second time at 10. Thought i was smart with the locking of my door but these two boys still have the ability to bug me and wake me up! !@#@$# Darn sleepy can...

I did ignore the two buggers and went back to sleep. It was not until auggy kept crying cos he couldnt bear to be separated from his mama who was heading off for church service. Stupid bro juz let him stand at the gate and cry to his mama who was by the door. I simply cannot stand baby boy crying non stop and worst when it was loud enough to wake me up.

If u havent seen me in my morning wake up mode, i look like a mess. Messy hair, gooey half opened eyes. I simply look like siao char bo. But i cant be bothered. Hey, i got woken up, plus i'm at home. So who cares...

And so, i got out of my room, picked auggy up and put him on my shoulder, with my half closed eyes throughout. Surprisingly he stopped crying, gave a flying kiss to his mama and juz propped his sweaty head over my shoulder. Carried him, pat him on his back. Hummed songs - from london bridge is falling down, to twinkle twinkle little stars, to 'ke ren lai', to humpty dumpty, to 'i'm a little teapot'. Eventually he fell asleep on my shoulder after a good 30-45 min of carrying...

By the time i put baby boy down on the mattress to sleep, bro claimed that he's tired and started snoring-_- Excuse moi, i should be the one feeling tired leh...i ended up with slight back ache and not able to get back to sleep cos i'm wide awake ALREADY!

who is the father huh huh huh...

!@#$#@ stupid bro....

He looked super funny and cute in this pic.

One of the outing he had with bro and sis-in-law

Think they took him to boat quay area
















It started with him retrieving the camera attempting to take photos on his own.

Now baby boy has master the art of posing for shots...hoho...fun fun...
















See he can pose...
















Picture taken on new year day 1.

We were in the train on our way to lao chek's house.

Mom bought baby boy the cheena golden new year clothes...he looked pretty cool in that...haha
















First day of school...

He looked pretty studious in his oversized uniform...

Mama said that auggy can finally take school bus home without her being in the bus with him. So proud of him...hehe...
















Yar abit bo liao to put auggy's poo here but sometimes i juz dun get it...

How can such a small body system produce such amount of poo that sometime is more than what i can generate...

Wonders of human body...haha
















Gonna smooch you!

bloody farny....

stupid things happened yesterday...

1. Scalded my left hand while getting water for myself. It was normal routine BUT i have no idea which nerve of mine went short circuit and it shook while i was walking out of the pantry. 100 degree celsius water went pouring over my thumb and it turned lobster red in like secs. My reflex was certainly not working. Normal human being will drop whatever they are holding and retrieve their scalded hand. Me? I held it even tighter and walked back to the pantry so that i can put the cup on the table. #%#$% it was darn painful...

2. Did something on impulse yesterday while out with my squashies. Am very happy with it now. Beaming beaming. We were walking down a flight of stairs when we heard something dropped. Sounded like some metal stuff or coins. Ray said ' Someone dropped a screw? must be yours...' I thought she directed it to me and didnt know she actually meant it sacarstically for jessie. I actually checked my newly done accessory and said ' no leh' aloud. They burst out laughing like siao all the way man...damn...

Will be collecting my passport tomolo. Finally gotten it done. Am still settling the loan, just deciding how much to loan and how long to return it.

Yippee...love the purple gem...hehe...soup spoon tonite!

love love...

FINALLY I heard him call me 'gu gu' way before i entered the room!!! But cheeky him resumed calling me 'goon goon' the moment he saw me. Perhaps that's the way he shows his closeness to me. I like it when he calls me 'goon goon', like a little nick specially for me. Haha..

I love it when he gives me little peck on the cheek when i ask him to 'kiss kiss' me...

I love it when he rests his head over my shoulder and pats me with his tiny little arm, as if telling me - everything is going to be alright and that he loves me no matter how...

I love it when he comes into my room and give that cheeky chuckles juz becos he managed to open my door...

I love it when he placed the earphones to his ears and listen to the songs from my nano. He'll give the sweetest smile and do a little dance to whatever songs he hears...

I love it when he was able to open my phone and attempt to take pic himself...

I love it when he sat on my lap, lying against me and stone throughout the bus ride cos he was tired...

I love it when he goes crazy and start to pinch me, pull my hair or my specs, scream ever so loudly and then laugh like crazy together with me...

I think i'm gonna miss him terribly when i go away...o man...

WTF....

In freaking pissed off mode today.

Had news that a patient passed away. HUH?! He was fine 3 weeks ago when we last saw him. He was suppose to follow up with doc today. Gone?! We were giving his caregiver some carer training the other day. Gone?! I still rem him telling us his daily routine and like a child, he needed some attention and tender-loving-care. Sigh, he's quite a cute old man you know...

Had to restart my computer 3 times today. 3 freaking times. It hung 3 times today!

Just knew that someone went to schedule a programme on Sunday in May. Hello...Who is going to work on Sunday? I'm not going to be paid for working on Sunday. It's suppose to be my freaking personal time on Sunday.

Frustration building up. I need to rant it out.

I have decieded not to entertain anymore nonsense. There wasnt any respect given to me at all. From then till now. Nothing change. Yes, i'm the idiot and now i'm pissed off for letting myself be one. Again.

purple...

Was feeling so sick yesterday. Stucked at home the whole day due to headache and nuasea. Wonder if the antibiotics are doing me more harm than good. Till yesterday, i was still spitting green and gooey phlegm, how gross is that.

There are alot of 'whys' that i have not been asking myself. Even if i do have many questions regarding myself, regarding what have been happening to me and around me, they are all so different from the ones that gage asked me to ponder upon. I realise i havent been really putting much thoughts into these questions. I'm merely juz asking the questions. Have i been truthful to myself, not so. I always try to avoid stuffs cos i know the truths will always sting my heart alittle here and there which will eventually amount to a huge snowball...

I'm still seeking for the answers... i hope i wont take as long as you did...i really dun wanna take that long...really appreciate you talking to me that nite...

thanx for telling me that i'm a wonderful person...

thanx for telling me that i deserve more...

thanx for telling me not to be too hard on myself...

thanx gagey...

still running...non stop...

my nose...maybe if it run fast enough, i'll have an excuse to go for nose job to get rid of that meaty lump! ha...

current appearance: comforty home clothes; with a tissue paper securely tug in my left nostril ~damn i'm so screwed, been a week and i'm still sick. Today being the worst, with me in boy-reach-puberty-breaking-voice; watery eyes and ever non-stop cough. And did i mention my phlegm is so green and gooey that i think it can be used as glue if really needed ~yucks~

Went back to AH yesterday to pass some stuffs and to update big boss about upcoming issues regarding JMC. Met up with my beloved TA and we hugged. Yes, it felt so good to hug her again! She commented that i'm more 'chan teh' ('pretty' in malay) and even look like ang mo with this new rebonded hairstyle 0_o Or maybe i look more SPG like what yd's sis said when she first saw me with flat hair.

Except for me falling sick, emotionally i'm more or less stable at the moment. Perhaps it's the outburst, perhaps it's my period. O well, at least i'm stable and not crying anymore. I'm dehydrated with my running nose and the constant peeing, am so done with crying. Thank you all for being so patient with me =)

To the person who is having holiday in bkk now. Have fun for your trip. I know this come way too late and that you probably dun wanna talk to me again. Still, i need to get this out of my system. I'm sorry for pulling the brake. I thought i was fine and well; in total control of myself and that i can deal with everything perfectly. Am so wrong. I need to get myself fixed on my own. I dun wan to drag anyone with me becos of my fluctuating emotions and thoughts. I guess all these words don't matter anymore. But i am still glad that i get the chance to know you.

Been having silly thoughts...
1. Of me being part of the population that is bound to have no offspring so as to ensure no jayna-like spieces will be running around. In another words, may not get married and even if i do i may be too old to have any kids by then. Judging from my absurd behaviour from the previous r/s and my inability to sustain a long term relationship, this may be highly possible somehow...

2. Shirlyn + my clique + stage + wala = my birthday song...dun ask me why i have this thought. It just suddenly pop out. Perhaps i wanna see how well my clique can sing other than draw? haha

3. Me working in aussie with autistic kids even after i graduate. That will be so cool!!! But first let me get used to their accent. I dun wanna 'beg ur pardon' all the time when talking to them.

4. Bring auggy out on my own one of these days, such as toyr' us or macdonald. I think abit tough, considering how much he can wriggle if he doesnt wanna be carried and the speed he runs lately, o man i probably need to train up first. Maybe to the Macdonald will have higher possibility cos it involves food. O did i mention that little boy know how to give those 'muack' kiss rather than the big-mouth-open-with-lotsa-saliver type of ' wet wet' kiss? really sweet of him to peck me on my cheek in the morning when i asked him to 'kiss kiss' before i head to work...hehe good way to start a day!

Okie no energy to type anymore. Gonna sleep so that my nose wont run too far away as i'm desperately saving up for studies and have no additional money for any nose job to be done.
~nitenite~

Simple lyrics but it reflect so much on my current mode...thanx gage


Te Busque
by nelly furtado

I've been high I've been low
I've been fast I've been slow
I've had nowhere to go
Missed the bus missed the show
I've been down on my luck
I've felt like giving up
My life locked in a trunk
When it hurt way too much
I needed a reason to live
Some love inside me to give
I couldn't rest I had to keep on searching

Te busque de bajo de las piedras y no te-encontre
En la manana fria y en la noche te-busque
Hasta enloquecer
Pero tu llegaste a mi vida como una luz
Sanando las heridas de mi corazon
Haciendo me-sentir vivo otra vez

I've been too sad to speak and too tired to eat
Been too lonely to sing the devil cut off my wings
I've been hurt by my past but I feel the future

In my dreams and it lasts I wake up I'm not sure
I wanted to find the light something just didn't feel right
I needed an answer to end all my searching

I look in the mirror the picture's getting clearer
I wanna be myself but does the world really need her
I ache for this earth
I stopped going to church
See God in the trees makes me fall to my knees
My depression keeps building like a cup overfilling
My heart so rigid I keep it in the fridge
It hurts so bad that I can't dry my eyes
Cuz they keep on refillin' with the tears that I cry...

tear-stained glasses...

i didnt know how difficult it is to clean my pair of tear-stained glasses despite me rubbing ever so hard with the spec cloth...

i didnt know how hurt i still am with all the words that my dad had ever said to me...

i didnt know how easily i cry while watching a love-comedy movie...

i didnt know how little self love i actually have for myself...

i didnt know how broken i am inside me all these while...

ask me how i've been doing at work? my reply will be this =)

ask me how i've been coming along? my reply will be this =)

ask me how i've been feeling this week? my reply will be this =)

who am i kidding...i was never =) thru the past week...

i want my tears to stop...but it's been flowing non-stop....

on mc today

how low can one be in a lifetime...

it spiralled downward to a deeper and darker hole...am i too stupid to trust ppl so easily...am i too navie to think that i can rely on others at times...i am juz a tool to them isnt it? To get what they want, to satisfy what they need, to be the idiot they can look for when they need something from me...

i'm tired of giving in...i'm tired of being used...i'm tired of everything

just let me have some peaceful sleep, without any dreams, without any nightmares, without any flashbacks...

i just want some peaceful sleep...

no more night cycling!

o man...my butt is hurting like hell...so are my quads...i think i'll have humongous quads soon...

my first night-cycling trip today with the telok blangah CC...thanx to ah muan who jio me for this event...it turned out to be a mini AH gathering cos quite a no. of colleagues turn up...it's fun! made new frens too...one of them is matt from australia...new podiatrist in AH...fun guy to chat with...he was telling me stuffs about australia...pretty interesting...but at some point i cant quite get his questions cos of his accent...heng he's nice enough to repeat...die lah go aussie how...dun think all will be as nice to repeat themselves leh...cham...

am pretty hopeless in cycling cos first, i keep getting faulty bikes...changed like 3 bikes during the journey...no one broke my record for the nite...am i suey or what?? second, i dunno how to change gear...made myself ride like siao cha bo during up slope cos i used the wrong gear and thus making the ride such a tedious one...luckily during times like these i have ah muan to help..as usual, he laughed at me when i screamed+++ and complained+++ while braving the slopes...he knows how much i hated slopes...be it running or cycling...I HATE SLOPES....haha...juz wanna thank him for helping me throughout....

anyway the whole event was good...cos we have the traffice police to guide us and block other cars for us...haha are we cool or wat...haha i even have one of the big shot policemen to ride along side with me...cos i was struggling with the slopes....darn pai seh....

after the tedious ride back to the CC...we had debrief and were given certificate of appreciation...see still got paper to show that we did nite cycling...haha...first time in my life...i had nasi lemak...after cycling...at freaking 3.30AM! who on earth eat rice in the middle of the niet...anyway it was good...kinda replenish energy alittle...

now i'm all fresh and ready to go to bed...yes with my hair wet..i seriously dun care...if you'll excuse me...i've got an aching butt to nurse for the rest of the day!!

once again....

i sought solace behind my house...

during the day it's a place filled with life and sunshine...place where i'll like to carry baby boy for a walk...

during the nite....overlooking the well lit flyover...it brought back a familiar feeling...i cant rem when did i start going behind my house, find a spot.... sit there and cry...yes cry...sobbing kind of cry...

all i need is to be held and be told that things will be alright...someone did that before and i ended up crying more...but it felt so right...to cry in those arms...

damn it...today is a sucky day for me...if not for meeting up with sid for dinner, it's gonna spiral downward even more...

will snap out of this pathetic self...for now juz let me be the vulnerable me for tonite...juz tonite...

fucked up mood the whole damn day...damn it...

i realise...

that i am actually entitled to pay increament after my confirmation since 22 nov 2006...didnt know till i receive the letter this morning...freaking HR has been owing 3 months of my pay increament which amt to close 900++ bucks!!! the only comforting thing is that they have indirectly 'helped' me save up these amt of money....ha

that a patient of mine that i saw 3 weeks ago...due to some mishandling...her ulcer on her toes has become gangrene...and now it is so bad that she has to undergo op....freaking docs...i wonder wat they are doing...why had the wound turned into gangrene in the first place...i'm worried for her...cos for her to undergo such extensive op at her age...it's too much...i can only pray to whichever god or goddess that she suffers as little pain or agony as possible...i cant help but imagine how the op may reduce a cute old lady like her to a totally different being...sigh...

that i miss watching short films...thanx to simin, i get to catch '2nd Singapore Indie Doc Fest' at substation...it is made up of 3 short films...first from nepal, second from malaysia, third from singapore...i didnt know that two of the characters featured were sitting right infront of me until the Q n A time...more on the details of the short films some other days...

that the reason why i miss yk was becos i miss the spontaniety we had whenever we meet up...the spontaniety of doing something at that spur of the moment and just do it....no pretence, no extensive planning required, no worries of whether the other party will like it or not cos u know each other well enough to deduce that whatever suggested will definitely be favourable...just the 'you onz, i onz, let's go!' kinda attitude....today is somewhat a day where we girls decided to meet up last min to catch the films...and i must say i enjoyed myself every bit...despite being in my ugly office wear and hurting my butt by sitting still for 2 hours...

time is running out

current song: time is running out by MUSE

i used to groove to this song in wala without knowing who the exact singers were...miss wala...miss the band...miss the company...miss yk...as always...wala makes me think of him...he was the one who took me there...the one who told me so much about music...the one who put the idea of me singing in a pub, with him on base, yd on organ, vicky on guitar...the one who said better him than anyone else to force the first cigarette down my throat on my 22nd birthday...the one who introduce me my first stella artois...the one who company me thru the night, keeping me awake while i rush my reports...

been ages since i last saw him online or in person...

oki buta, when are we going to meet up? the last time we talked was during yd's dinner at vicky's place... sometimes he's seemed so busy that i dun dare to ask him out...i miss hanging out with u and yd...talking about everything, anything....of cos minus the part where i'm the sandbag btw the two of u...

many things running thru my head...tired...gonna sleep...

Work in progress for gage's surprise...

And so we started this little 'surprise' thingy on tuesday nite...tired...but we juz wanna do it...funnily we went with minimal ideas on what to draw...but the moment we get started...things juz flow as it is...










tedious to draw on four papers...and i didnt know my frens are good at drawing till now...i didnt know ck can draw the fish, papa ng can draw the oscar man, camera and director seat, adrian can draw the grammaphone and miss phua can come up with ideas of decorating with aluminium as the frame for the mural...as for me...i only helped in drawing the name in the design that i gave gage years ago...




See...we lying on the floor...sitting on the hard ground...drawing...erasing...drawing...colouring with huge crayons....kinda fun u know...



















did i mention that wan wan is our supervior? she'll come in on and off to 'inspect' us...sit on the paper and stuff...luckily we have adrian to fend her off...cos she's extremely scared of him...dunno why...haha


















things drawn are all the stuffs that he likes...erm at least what we can think of lah...i hope he'll be a director one day...follow his heart and make meaningful short films that he always wanted to do...i dun mind being ur crew again...the time spent feeding mosquitoes and sweating like a pig while shooting ur first 3 min film is something that is always memorable to me...of cos i'll demand a sigficant amount of pay if u ever made money out of ur film...haha...



moi name and my favourite symbol and colour...










hehe the name that i drew...














stuuuupid sze...ruined my pic...=p
















the final product....
Happy Birthday...old man=)

love you all the same no matter how old you are...at the most next time i buy u la mer products=p

Ray, jessie, angie and peifen....thank you soo much for bringing all the fun last nite!

mentioned that i desperately needed a drink right? I've actually made arrangement with fen to go 'happy daze' on thurs nite...so happened that on friday evening, jessie jio us to come out for drinks too...so 5 of us decided to meet up...whooppeee....It's nice to go to our usual hang out place where the boss know us and try all out to get all of us high with his new 'creations' haha...it was really fun...cos we are honest customers and will tell him outright that his shots sux if they're really weird and yucky...haha...

had my first graveyard shared among 5 of us...one glass...5 straws and we down it all...that'll be my first and last...worst than drinking stout alone...yucks...

had fun updating each other...giggling, chatting, planning and making fun of each other...this time round i didnt smooch anyone...partly cos jessie, my usual smooch victim, was sitting too far away from me...haha...

i cant wait for next fri's celebration for angie...ha...

met up with calvin and princess for lunch today...treated calvin cos we didnt give him a proper farewell when he left that day...had a good time complaining to him and teasing him...miss having him in the clinic despite him always disturbing us...

after lunch...walked around with princess for awhile...saw this cheap and nice bikini from adiddas..tried it and decided to buy it...hehe...a little treat for myself...after that...went to united square starbucks to have coffee on my own and to read my book...

evening time went back to nyjc for drama nite...this year's performance was disappointing...lacks the creativity and passion...sigh...o and we went to eat dou huay again...juz like good old days...had so much fun recalling wat happened during our time...miss those days so much....

sigh...i think i'm screwed up...why did i complicate things...perhaps i've not been thinking deep enough on what i want...i'm slowly retreating into my own shell once again...i thought things can be kept simple but it proves otherwise...i'm sorry...treat it as i'm manipultive...or that i'm dumb...juz treat me as a fren...

finally it's done and up...hopefully everything goes well...hopefully that someone will like it...if not we can all hang ourselves with the crep papers that we bought but not used...

right now i'm tired..really tired...mentally...physically...been thinking alot...been having emotional rides...i wonder is it cos of my period coming...hate it when i have to go thru things like that...when i cant pin point what the freak is going on...i juz wanna sleep....and not think about things...am so bloody tired...

i need a drink.........

i loveee my squashies...they are the only ones whom i can really depend on when i'm tipsy and drunk...they are the only ones who can stand my smooches and puke...they are the only ones who will make sure i'll be home safe and sound...

was reminded of st james nite and realise i actually rem more than i thought i rem...jessie and ray...thanx for reminding =p

accidentally poured a glass of red wine on a girl's blouse on that nite...ray actually had to help me apologise and compensate the girl...jessie actually had to bear with the consequence of being called a 'madam'...

wanyee had to tolerate being cornered by me when i wanted to put a huge smooch on her cheek...

jessie amazed by me singing along with the Beyond cantonese song at that dragonfly section (o man what was i thinking)

and me hicupping and dozing off on jessie's shoulder and something else while waiting for cab...hehe...thanx for the cushioning babe...

girls....thank you so much for tolerating my nonsense...i know i can be quite a handful and full of nonsense when i drink a tad too much...

it was indeed a fun new year afterall! haha...

Arh!! so happy! love this pic so so much! no one has ever drawn me before! neither have i tried getting myself drawn like that...

wish i have the abs that are shown in the pic =p wah haha...

thank you silly no. 1!

Happy new year everyone!

New year, new begining....

Had so much fun for the past few days...the usual gatherings with relatives, usual small talks we made with ppl we seldom see, the usual next-year-bring-your-boyfriend-along comment....still, i love chinese new year...each year is different for me...

~new year eve eve~
Had maternal reunion dinner at my uncle's condo...usual gathering except that this time round there's more toddlers around...4 generations all together...

i ended up chasing after my youngest uncle, hitting him cos he cox auggy into drinking red wine...was so angry that i drank up all his wine from the cup...ha...

after that went dempsey road for more wine and sausages with dodo and her hubby-to-be...thanx for the treat dodo...

~new year eve~
Went to harbour front for lunch with my aunt, uncle and cuzzies...nice food, great company=)

noon time went over fen's place to nua and to get my nailpolish done...hehe not to mention to get goodies from auntie too...hehe...yummy!

evening had reunion dinner on our own and i headed down to yd's house...at bout 12am then we headed for chinatown! It was so fun! i was abit stoned lah cos very sleepy towards the end but i really enjoyed myself shopping with auntie, dawn, yilong and yd...it's like a family outing to me...my family has never done that before. Thanx for including me for the shopping trip!

we had great fun laughing at auntie and her hyena tattoo...keke very fun to see her smiling and holding her hand so dearly!

like i told yd...why do i always give my 'first time' to the sims....haha...
4 yrs back, when he juz had his car lisence, i kar kar be his passenger for the lorry ride to julia's bday party at east coast...that was like 2nd day post he was given the right to drive legally on the road...and mind you i didnt put on sit belt cos there was none and this fellow had no prior experience of driving a huge lorry! everything was smooth except for the hump! ha

this year, our dear little bro had gotten his bike lisence a week back and boy he had gotten himself a scrambler...this bike is so darn high that i had to hold on to yilong and yd in order to get onto the back seat...it wasnt as scary as i tot...didnt burn my arse with the exhuast pipe at the back and wasnt that loud...and i pass this little fellow simply cos he rides over the hump much much smoother than his bro...haha....

~CNY day 1~
did the usual thing of going to relatives house to bai nian..

evening time went over to aunt's place for dinner and drank 3 glasses of red wine before i pop over papa ng's place...

amazed that i can balance myself thru the train ride feeling high and on 3 inch heels...

sorry about dozing off and not able to play mahjong with u guys...was really tired by the time i'm done with shower ...

~CNY day 2~
woo hoo...went house visits...starting from sze's house to mine then to adrian's...to jl's...ck's then final stop was yd's...had steamboat again! haha...but it was nice...

done with dinner and washing dishes...hopped over to st james...went to the jazz section...weird ang mos singing with not so attractive moves...wat a waste...

drank abit too much and gotten tipsy...i think we did went to different sections of the entire place juz that i simply cant rem anything except snapshots of myself attacking jessie, ray and wan yee...giving them smooches on their cheeks...actually i only rem kissing jessie...but was told that i kissed the other two gals too...oops...sorry...hehe...

~CNY day 3~
went gu ma's house for the gathering as usual...uncles, aunts, cousins and their babies...place is getting smaller with more ppl coming into our big family...it's really heart warming to see that...

That pretty much sums up my CNY...fun! hope next year will be as fun too! muah haha....

same me, same auggy, same occasion....

top is the pic taken this year during reunion dinner....

bottom is the pic taken last year during the dinner....

same position, same hug, same smile from me, same no-smile from auggy...

any difference spotted? baby boy grew so much over the year...and i've grown older over the year too...boohoo...

handsome: eh what time you knock off...
me: 5.30pm lo...

handsome: o then you think if i meet up with you at 5.30, i will be able to reach clark quay by 6.30?
me: u may be abit late if u meet me at 5.30...why wanna meet me? i didnt bring your tie today leh...

handsome: no lah...want to take train with you together mah...
me: eeeew....so sweet of you....

handsome: of cos...
me: o_O okie lo...haha....

we did meet up and took the train together...though he did run late due to some delays...still, i appreciate him wanting to meet me up...

i know you love me...in your own way...so subtely...thanx for not giving up on me...

You Are a Caramel Crunch Donut

You're a complex creature, and you're guilty of complicating things for fun. You've been known to sit around pondering the meaning of life... Or at times, pondering the meaning of your doughnut. To frost or not to frost? To fill or not to fill? These are your eternal questions.

What Donut Are You?

happy vday

Hair is wet, am waiting for it to dry, then i'll go sleep...

Met up with nikki babe for a movie in the evening. Two singles spending vday together. First time for her, second or third time for me (i cant rem exactly)...still, we had a good time, drooling over daniel wu in the movie and chatting so heartily while having our late dinner...Babe, thank you so much for spending time with me...hopefully i can catch you again before you fly back to aussie or i'll see you in melbourne in another 5 months time...

7 yrs back, i still rem the vday i had in nyjc, jl placed the piglet in the locker for me to find out...back then everything was so sweet and innocent...soo....childlike...

3 yrs ago, i still rem the vday i had in nyp, mr h had the florist to send flowers to schl for me and me giving him blue roses in return....it was sweet too and the kinda thing that teenagers will do...erm though i was in my 20s already...haha...

this year, i was suppose to spend this vday with banker...but somehow i knew it wont happen and true enough it didnt...

BUT i'll not forget the vday this year...cos someone put in the time and effort to make something for me...been a very long time since i get handmade present...the sincerity with this gift is very much felt and appreciated...thank you so much!

time to sleep...argh...i so not wanna work...i need a break from work totally....

pauses...

i admit...i lost myself completely the moment i stepped into this relationship...lost as in not lost in the midst of lovey dovey moments but lost the 'me' in me...

did stupid things that i thought i wont do; reacted the way i thought i wont react; cried the number of times i thought i wont cry; placed myself in a position so low that i thought i'll never allow myself to be in; lied to someone whom i thought i'll always be truthful to...

he's not the best lover, he's not good looking, not sensitive, not loaded, not well tempered, not someone who will keep to his promises all the time...then why did i hang on to this relationship so darn tightly?

I like his confidence, i like the way he communicate at times when he puts in effort and is not busy playing his ps2, i like the way he explained things to me at times...i thought he can be the one to guide me through life...i thought i can tap onto his confidence level and grow with him in life...i stubbornly wanted to prove that we can make this relationship work despite the age and mentality differences...

it's juz like me wanting to study chinese in NUS and be a chinese teacher back then...i stubbornly held on to this idea and tried getting into the teaching line desperately...applied; reject; applied; reject...till i felt so depress that i could no longer function confidently as a being...i stubbornly wanted to prove that i can do it...i stubbornly held on to it and rejected all other options in life...

yes, never learn my lesson...always land myself in the 'jiao tou lan e' state then i'll start to realise i need to let things go...

it is hard to let go, it is hard to admit defeat for someone as stubborn as i am...but now i have to...for myself, for ppl who love me...

i am afterall not that bad right? i'm still whole and abled, still mentally sound, still has the ability to communicate and appreciate things in life, still has the capability of making myself pretty...haha....

sigh i juz want to be like the past- drunk, giggly, carefree, blur, silly...most imptly, love myself more than i should be...

My Personality

Neuroticism	82
Extraversion	57
Openness To Experience	60
Agreeableness	62
Conscientiousness	7

You are neither a subdued loner nor a jovial chatterbox. You enjoy time with others but also time alone. You can be very easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be extremely sensitive and emotional. A desire for tradition does not prevent you from trying new things. Your thinking is neither simple nor complex. To others you appear to be a well-educated person but not an intellectual. You have some concern with others' needs, and are generally pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative. You like to live for the moment and do what feels good now. Your work tends to be careless and disorganized.

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Closure...

Managed to get thru to him last nite. He sounded indifferent. O well, what's new. No doubt i have contributed to that, somehow i also know he doesnt have the capacity to take it anymore. At least now we both know that there is no point continuing and dragging each other along.

He told me to grow up and that i'll always be a nobody if i continue to think that way -_-

Ultimately, he cant support me the way i wanted him to, esp emotionally. Perhaps i'm juz not strong enough...whatever it is...he's outta moi life! finally...

Anyway, everything will start anew. Chinese New Year coming. I juz wanna enjoy myself and prepare for my study. Speaking of which, i havent settle my study loan yet =p

cry cry cry...after today...no more...

seriously, i can do with a drink or two right now...i really really need it!

gonna do that with ray and jessie on sat....

since i dun have to ans to anyone or make promises not to drink anymore...i shall be the karen walker-alike jayna once more...i miss that...really...i miss drinking and chilling with my girls and pals in peace...

the downward spiralled r/s has come to an extend that i had enough and he had enough too...right now i truly appreaciate him not contacting me at all...it really makes things easier...no more being softhearted or guilty and going back to the vicious cycle...although at times i do miss him, his silly smiles, the stupid things we did together, his hug, his kisses and him smelling my hair...i'll miss all thsoe...but somehow all these doesnt sustain the r/s a single bit....

i'll go into deep deperssion if this go on....I need to get myself fixed...by myself....

i lost the ability to trust...perhaps it's like 'blink'....somehow, somewhere i juz know something is not right, something is not true in him but i cant pin point it....and silly me juz want to find facts to prove it but cant find anything concreate and in the end gottan a fake hope...a fake product - our r/s...

I want to start afresh....i'm so glad i'll be leaving for melbourne soon...i cant stay here anymore...not that i wont miss my frens...i'll miss every single one of them...but i cant expect them to help me pull myself up...i juz need some place new to start a new life...proving to myself i can actually survive very well alone in a foreign land....

no more jerks...i hate them...i had two in a row...enough is enough...i'll pull down that bus stop if i can...perhaps at that point of time, i believe too much in fate...or that i'm juz simply being too naive and dumb...agrh....

i'm bursting...my heart felt so heavy....

so...i shall go and sleep...it's the best remedy...at least for now...

alone...

went out alone for the whole day...

caught a movie on my own at bishan....walked around alone...finally bought the socks that i needed...no more smelly feet...yeah...

head down to look for nikki after the movie...her granny juz passed away...so i thought i'll go down to look for her and give her support...reminds me of ah ma's funeral somehow...
hope that she'll get enough rest and not get too exhausted...

walked from punggol mrt station back home...it was drizzling...cooling nite...helps to clear my mind...'who the fuck you think you are, giving me attitude...' i'll not forget those words...
right from the beginning i'm juz a nobody...before the mess, in the midst of the mess and now after the mess...

this nobody has decided to fade off...afterall...i'm juz a nobody...

rainy days...

~mon~
met up with dodo and family for dinner at thomson plaza for her bday celebration...been awhile since i last went there...used to frequent there in my sec schl days cos handsome stayed near there and we used to go there for BK at times...my aunt even rem driving me to handsome's place one of the new years...that was like so many years back...the plaza has changed so much...the old BK is no longer there...

~thurs~
went for the surprise party for angie at baden in holland village. Had fun chatting, eating german food and of cos making the birthday girl hit the pinata that jessie had suggested buying. The funniest part was when the blindfolded angie hit and hit the guys on their arms instead of the pinata...too bad lo...no place to hang the pinata so they gotte sacrifice their arms...haha...

happy to see that the surprise party was a success...at one point we were still worried that angie already knew we're planning something for her...but with her taking her time to prepare herself and making her way down to meet us....we knew she had no idea what's going on and with her taking her own sweet time, she's unknowingly starving us all...haha...Glad you had a great time babe...

~fri~
was suppose to go down for friendly match...once again i flew ray they all kite...so sorry...i ended up with running nose and headache for the whole day on fri...so drained that i was abit half dead in my clinic...resting from time to time...drowning myself with warm water...

~sat~
had a good nite rest...felt much better today...wanted to go for a jog but it rained...so decided to stay home to read my book...played with auggy for awhile and then watched tv...

went handsome's place for steamboat...as usual...we prepared food and had a really full meal...
after food...we played mahjong for awhile...haha first time i game with 'ping hu' with all the 'tong zi'!!! eh i never had such luck before leh...too bad we were juz playing for fun not money...haha...

o man i realise lately i've been pretty sedentary in my activities...have to get my jogging vibe back...if not my tummy is going to be flabbier! argh...

Still dunno wat to do for tomolo...perhapsgo for a jog, stay home, read my book, play with auggy, or go watch a movie alone...

Just want to do things alone...i've had my fair share of disappointment already...not contacting for the next few days will be good...at least i know i wont get disappointed if there isnt any respond...

~communication~

i sux in self expressions.

Communicating with people regarding my own feelings and thoughts was never a smooth process. I can map out all the conversations in my head- what i am going to say, what i am going to argue, points that i really want to put across. I can rehearse those lines or pointers repeatedly in my head ever so smoothly. And i thought when it's my turn to express myself, i'll be able to do it.

But when the real situation occur, i juz fall silent. Words that i had in mind and to be put across juz seemed to be stucked in my throat and eventually get swollowed into my stomach. Unless the other party pushed me real hard, will i reveal slightly what's on my mind.

Am i scared of offending others, am i afraid of making situation worst, am i afriad of how others will see me if i am to tell them what's on my mind? I've been asking myself all these questions on and on.

I have to admit, i lack the courage to stand up for myself at times, to say 'no' to others, to face the possibility of not being accepted by others...

No more avoidance? no more self denial? no more self blame? be brave and face the reality?

i'm still trying...

sleep sleep sleep...

I think i juz fasted unknowingly since last nite 8pm till today lunch. Someone flew my kite for dinner and i was so freaking pissed off that i read my book and fell asleep by 8pm. Wasnt hungry then so didnt eat anything even when i woke up at 11pm. Sleep...good remedy to cool myself down and clear my head from unnecessary stuffs.

I broke my no-alcohol rule on sat nite. Drank at ck's house and later went to happy daze to drink with ray and the gals. It's like unleashing the alcowhore me...haha...and i have to pay the price on sun though, for my gastric came back and i'm rolling in pain...kena pissed off and no appetite...so sleep is juz wat i needed...

rather happy today cos managed to see 5 pts today. The time passed faster with me seeing and chatting with my patients. Then i wont think about other nonsensical things...haha...

gonna meet up with aunt and family for dinner later....finished reading my first neil gaiman book...looking forward to finishing the next book 'good omen' that ck lent me...at least i hit my first new year resolution - to read more and not only sleep during train rides...haha....

At home now...took time off today cos gotta attend a wedding in the evening...

kinda like the half day work, half day rest feeling...

darn darn broke now...overspent way too much during x'mas...

need to start saving up...or else when i go aussie i'll have to eat air...or let the air eat me...

such a spendthrift...argh...

how am i feeling now...

been a long time since i have such feeling - feeling down to the core...why? i juz feel stuck....i wanna get out of the zone that i'm in now...too slow...too comfortable...too mundane...in my work...

seriously...i dun think i'm suited for community setting...i wanna get back to peds again...i wanna work with autistic kids...i wanna get into their world once more...when will i be able to do that...will i be competent enough to do that in future? i juz miss the challenges of working in peds...i miss running after little kids...sigh...

what do i want now?
get out of singapore, to vietname, to aussie...

It's a boy!!!!

it's a boy!!! again!!! haha....hai yar...thought i'll have a niece...o well, so long baby is healthy that's the more important thing..

i can foresee auggy and auggy-look-alike fighting for toys, food and attention...that'll be so funny...haha...

Anyway today is OT day! Happy Occupational Therapy Day!

Quote of the day: ' Forgive someone who's hurt you in the past. Take a forgiveness test. Pray for that person and wish him all the blessng you can think of '

My colleague has this stack of quotes that she bought way before x'mas. We'll choose one card each and place it on our work desk. And so the above is my quote for the day.

My first reaction was -_-
even though i stupidly replied his sms once last year...doesnt mean the past didnt hurt...those msges that brushed me off; the scene which i saw both of them dozing off on the bus together and the last phone call...they juz came flashing across my mind with that single sms...if u are leading a happy life now, good for you...but i dun wan to know...

feeling fucking low now....

I have never felt so pek chek about my work @ JMC until today. Referral system sux, such that for certain people we cannot see them as subsidised patients unless they go thru certain procedures. Here i was, trying my best to find out and then explain the procedures to patient and i'm being taken as inflexible and trying to squeeze money out of him. In the end, he hung up on me! ARGH!!! Since when i have to be the bad person?? And i hate it when ppl hung up on MOI!

The even more frustrating thing is - THIS doc suggested to my boss to have me stationed half day permenently at the counter downstairs to tend to the home care solution centre! I'm willing to conduct public education home modification when needed BUT dun ask me to sit at the counter and direct ppl or to tell ppl that 'sorry JMC is not jurong polyclinic..."

~ROAR~
since when i become a counter girl
~ROAR~

Anyway, i juz went joggin behind my house. I really cant take it and needed the jog to vent my frustration.

Wanted to blog about my 2006. Am too tired now. Shall blog about it another day. Gotta sleep now.

squash...squashies....

training is back at nyp now...save the cost and hassel of going to yck or chilton park...somehow i still like those courts that we have...though their condition aint the greatest...

saw one of the admin officers who is a seasoned squash player...he used to help us alot, letting us know when the courts will be closed for exams and helping us get clearance to use them when we werent supposed to...it's nice seeing him again...

as always...we trained, we played games, we sweat and laughed...kinda tired to train after work but it was fun afterall...

went cartel to eat after training just like good old days...i rem i gained the most amount of weight back then cos after training we'll go cartel to have 'dinner'...

the girls were discussing about me leaving for aussie to study this year...jessie and ray were keen to pay me a visit...they even said that they'll miss me and my stupid antics whenever i get drunk...haha...

come to think of it...i'll be leaving for aussie in 6 months time...pretty fast eh....

sigh...so fast...2007 is here in juz a blink...

new year...new resolution...so what are mine? gonna think about it and let you guys know later...