Finally managed to clear my reports and now it's back to sending emails and updating parents. I think I prefer doing that than type reports :p

A friend of mine asked since when I dun like to chat over the phone. I'm not 15 yo anymore where I like to yak all day long on the phone. I talked all day, to the kids and the parents. When I get home, I just want to keep my mouth shut and not yak so much. I think if you were closed to me enough over these years, you would have noticed that I dun really like to talk over the phone anymore. You disappeared intermittently and when you appeared you threw all the questions, asking me this and that; digging here and there. What was the purpose of you doing that? I dun think I need to answer to you, you know. And I am still as disappointed that you have not been upfront with me all these years.

Am pretty happy these few days. Been having fun squash sessions albeit always getting injuries here and there. Haven't had so much running for a long time. Think I need to get court shoes soon!

Next week will be my birthday! Excited!

Intended presents for self:
- Driving license (got it!)
- Satchel Bag (still eyeing at one...)
- La Mer eye concentrate (still thinking...)
- New hairdo
- Adele's concert DVD

Just wanna be with my loved ones during birthday =)
Looking forward to it!

I wonder if you still think about me as strongly after all these weeks.

If feelings are bound to diminish as time passed, why do I miss you even more now?

Maybe my reactions are too slow to respond. Or I need to distract myself more. I kind of gotten used to not hearing from you but at the same time still wondering how have you been all these while. Have you gotten used to not having me in your life?

May day, public holiday, rest day.

I used to spend such day with you. Sigh. But hey, life move on doesn't it?

Today, I just stayed home the entire day, finish up with whatever I need to do, mainly reports. Spent time with kitty, bugging her and appeasing her, reading her books and watching hi-5 with her. It has been one of those days that I did not step out of house at all. Not even to the punggol plaza. Save alot of money I would say. Okay...maybe not cos I did online shopping, literally burn a hole in my pocket. Think I'm addicted to it. Yikes!

I think I'm slowly getting to used to this, being on my own, entertaining myself, keeping myself occupied. Guess at the rate I'm going, I cannot live without internet for sure. I should start picking up my books once more!

I hope you'll find the strength to move forward. Be it pursue your dream or anything that can make yourself happier. Perhaps start counting your blessings cos you have your family and lovely friends around you =)


~1.38am~

Sigh...who am I kidding, today made me miss what we used to have. I miss us snuggling in bed during the rainy day. I miss us wasting time together just because we were too lazy to go out. I miss your bad singing. I dozed off in the noon and I heard myself snored! And I missed telling you that I heard myself snored. I missed drooling on you and seeing your disgusted face. I miss having you beside me.

Sigh and yes, I finally cried...

New road hazard coming your way!

I did it! Finally passed the driving test and got my license after all these years! Yippee!

What touched me the most was my dear instructor. Not the fat and sarcastic one (still have to thank him for his guidance and patience though :p). This particular instructor taught me in the midst of my lessons as my previous good instructor gotten pulled out of the team due to medical condition.

He's a very funny man who joked, guided and looked out for me, pretty much like a dad. True that I am a consumer and it is only right for him to do all these but I have never thought he would go that extra mile for me. I am, afterall, just one of his many many students.

I kinda whined and complained to him about how the first test, I was all turned off by the fact that I was given old car instead of my usual training car for the practical test. If I am a good driver, new or old car should not affect my performance. But I've paid so much and for me to make such adjustment within such as short time frame, I was just pissed. And I just couldn't perform with this mental barrier.

Anyway, this test, I didn't tell anyone at all. No one knew. I just refused to say anything. Not even to my buddies. Went for the test as per usual, psyching myself up that I would be tested using the old Toyota.

I was surprised to see my instructor at the car poach, telling me I would be using my training car 288. Even more surprised to find out later on, that he made a one-to-one exchange, just so that I could have that car for the test. This mean that he had to use the old car for at least 3-4 other students' lessons in that afternoon. He did it on his own accord. Which really touched me. I seriously would not have thought that he would do that for me. So loved!

Pretty happy that I got to thank him personally thereafter. 10 demerit points -No mount curb this time round; got one nice taxi uncle gave way to me for me to over take, managed to lane change with all the cars voom voom passed. O plus the fact that, according to my instructor, my tester was supposed to be one who is very strict and let ppl pass so easily. I think I'm pretty lucky to have passed...heehee...

Now...who shall I terrorize to let me drive their cars...fen? yd? ck? sze?...onz? Muah haha..

The thought just came from nowhere.

Thought about how we started. It was sweet. We used to spend so much time together. I dun even remember ever being awkward when I was with you. Everything was just so comfortable and natural.

I remembered you used to kneel by my bedside and talked to me for hours before kissing me on the forehead, said goodnight and went to sleep on the mattress on the floor. I used to think, aint your knees painful, having knelt for so long. But you never once complained and we just talked and talked and talked...

It was sweet, really sweet. And I miss that and I miss you...sigh...

Cant sleep...brrr....

I saw a couple with their baby girl today while on my way to work. I think I saw them before, during our Bintan trip. Very cute little girl with quite big size but very funny parents.

Then I thought about the trip itself, how fun it was albeit it being a brief one. I thought of the buggy ride too. And I smiled. Cos it was the most hilarious ride ever, with me driving us into the bushes, uprooted some of the bushes, almost crashing into the big drain. I remembered I couldn't stop laughing despite the accident. I just couldn't stop. You were really shocked at first, almost wanting to scream at me for my reckless driving. But you ended up laughing with me. And we had to stop somewhere for me to get down cos I was laughing so darn hard. You didn't dare to let me drive the buggy anymore after that.

And because I crashed the buggy into the shrubs, little leaves and flowers dropped everywhere onto our seats. Bits of your pants were stained by the flowers, purple colour. And I started laughing again.

It was fun. It was good memory too. I still smile when I thought about it...

Back off...

The last thing I need to hear, is from others who act upon your telling that I need to be taken care of and be given support. I think you have once again, stepped over the boundary.

I seek for support from others on my own accord, I seek for support from people who are close to me. There are reasons why I only told certain people about certain things.

Dun come mother me as though I am all vulnerable, just because you happened to read my blog. I dun need that. I seriously just want a peace of mind. So please...back off...

Appreciate your concerns but I think things should just remain as it is...I have said it once, I am gonna say it again, I do not want to complicate anything, so let's just be colleagues and possibly friends, if you can understand the boundaries.

Seriously not feeling well. Head feels like a tonne of weight. Despite sleep and rest, I still feel like shit! Sigh, hope the medication works.

Actually not too long ago, I met up with banker over an impromptu lunch. For my close pals, I think they will be getting ready to hit me hard on the head, questioning: how is it that you can still meet up with the jerk who hurt and torn you into million pieces...why on earth do you do that?!

I would want to think that deep down everyone's heart, there is always some goodness in him/her, despite whatever nasty things they have done in the past. I believe banker is one as well. I think part of him does feel guilty towards me, hence the occasional cordial msges and calls.

I know he has been calling me, it happened since beginning of the year. Each time, the calls were just missed calls. I didn't call back as I know, if it's important, he would contact me again. Anyway, a few Fridays ago, I was on my way back from the school to office. I was just checking my phone and his number appeared yet again.

Answered his call and we fixed the lunch right there and then. He picked me up at Bishan and we went to have chicken rice for lunch. Simple as that.

Nothing changed. He was still the same old banker, foul mouth at times, trying to be funny and no doubt cordial. No funny stunts, nothing. I did accidentally scratch his Volkawagen car while opening the door as it was too near the pillar (so much win, I tell ya! Though the scratch was barely visible). Anyway, he grumbled, I told him to shut up, stop being a whiner and let's head for lunch.

It's funny, how life turned out. Seeing him after so many years, just makes me see with such clarity - that he's everything that I do not want in my boyfriend or husband. I have absolutely no clue how I could stick with him for such a long time. Perhaps that's why friends around me were all so frustrated with me back then.

He called me again on that Sunday, and then again on Monday. Both were missed calls. Last weekend, I decided to send him a msg:

Hey, I know you've been trying to call me a few times. The impromptu lunch we had the other day was great. Kinda give me a proper closure somehow. I dun think I can bring myself to remain in contact with you anymore. Seeing you just reminded me of that past event that I had. I dun loathe you but there's never a day I dun think about it over the past years and seeing you just make it worse. I hope you understand. Wish you well. Take care.

And that's that. It took me this long to initiate this without any feeling - no guilt, no sadness, nothing. And it took me this long to finally close this chapter for good.

It's a good feeling somehow and I'm very glad that I made it this far =)

The cold hard bitch...

Sigh, I feel exactly like one right now.

When I said about the no contact break for a month, did you think I dun mean it at all? Or are you trying to make me feel guilty - that I'm the cruel one who is playing mind games with you by not answering or replying your messages and calls?

I am not playing mind games or having any tricks up my sleeves. I am genuinely tired. I really just want to be on my own for this period of time to think things through. Who in the right mind will initiate such thing if she/he is happy in a relationship, knowing that it will work out well? At the moment, I just dun see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Running a fever right now, sigh...perhaps I have over worked my body...hopefully I will be fine by Tuesday...

I have more to tell but my head is bursting...shall stop and give it some rest...

Mom's logic 101 made me blew my top!

I'm tired, I'm not feeling well. You saw my shoes in the house, keys on the table, my room locked, and you did guess correctly that I'm home. Then why the fuck would you still stand in front of my door, tried my door handle and then asked if I'm home?! I have never gone out without keys. I dun lock my doors unless i'm IN the room or that the kiddos are around and I dun want then to mess up my room. And you know that!

So tell me...am I wrong to scream at you for your actions?! You freaking woke me up when all I wanted to do was to sleep. I ended up not able to sleep till NOW! Urgh...I dun understand why you still carry on with your actions when you already know the obvious answer!

On a side note, thank you yk and yd for cheering me up. The conversation we had was so hilarious. Totally made my day! At least I dun feel so much pain after getting hit by my kid at my brown bone. I pretty much heard a loud sound when he hit my head, I dun know did it come from my specs or may be my skull cracked hence the sound. Exaggerating, yes. But I did hear a sound. I could even feel that portion turning red and feeling hot. My kid just looked at me, slightly distressed but carried on with his climbing without a big deal. OMG, their heads are really made of steel...

One another side note, seriously, I dun know what will come out of this one month. I just know I want to be alone and I'm dealing alright with it. I realised, I dun know how to love another person anymore, it's just too much effort and too tiring. I think I have reached my quota, need to clear my system somehow. De cluttering in progress....

Sometimes I wonder, had I not put enough effort in the relationship. I would want to believe I had. I think when it got started, I put in alot of effort. So much so that I over indulged the other party. So much so that I was taken for granted over so many things, over so many occasions.

Along the way, I learnt. I learnt not to give in so much. I learnt to take back what I have given in. I learnt to not take so much things to heart. I learnt to take the backseat and just watch it go along. Eventually it just went the path of a downward spiral. From the initial disappointment to getting unmotivated. It was actually quite a long way. For me at least.

I think at this point of time, there is nothing you can do. Even if you continue to put in effort ie. texting me despite me not returning any of the text. I dun think anything can change what is happening now. This continual of effort should have been put in a year ago. Not now, when everything has crumbled. For me to reach the stage of not having the urge to reply your msges, not feeling upset when I see your msges, it means alot.

I really have to count my blessing, that despite going through such failure in relationship, I have wonderful friends, colleagues, a career and great work evironment to back me up and support me. I think perhaps that's why I am in this line, it's a sign and I'm glad. I think to a huge extend, the kids I see are actually treating me instead of me treating them. They cheered me up tonnes over and over again and they never fail to make me laugh (though sometime they make my blood boil at times too).

No motivation. I need to start on my reports and finish them. I need to start feeling things again.

Am neither happy nor sad. It's the worst ever to feel like an empty shell.

I think I kinda picked myself up somewhere somehow. Now I need to do things to make myself even happier. Need to love myself even more. I do deserve better. If you cannot keep up then what can I say? I am really sorry. We all need to better ourselves in some way I guess.

It's not about not giving chances, sometimes things change, people change too. I dun want to compromise anymore. It shouldn't have needed to come to this point where I dun even feel sad to initiate being apart.

I probably will never get my love and belonging needs fulfilled in an intimate relationship but I am glad I still have friends to fall back on.

Sigh, what can I say except I guess...sometimes love just ain't enough....

Mood just went swooping down the hill...

I feel like disappearing for awhile and not do anything at all...

I think this is a sign of my yearly pre-birthday blues...it's starting really early this year....like a month early...omg...

I'm sorry but I didn't enjoy myself. It was supposed to be a date night but I guess everything started on the wrong note.

It rained, my shoes got soaked and they were wet through the entire night. I thought you would have come and fetched me from work but you didn't due to some glitches.

You said you were excited about the date night. I was too. I thought 'Hey, maybe you didn't come fetch me cos...you wanna surprise me with something' I thought of flowers. But nothing. Sigh.

I didn't mind catching something that I have already watched. I didn't even mind that we had seats that were higher up. I still enjoyed it. Until I saw you yawned. You started telling me, you couldn't see much except for the performers going around like stick figures. 'I guess what you pay is what you get?' 'But I'm a visual person!' 'Then next time get the $161 priced tickets!'

I dun know why but I just gotten really turned off and pretty snappy after that. It just made me think that, perhaps we are not suitable afterall. Dun get me wrong, I know you are putting the effort to make this work but there have been so many signs to say otherwise. I love plays, you dun seem to favour it. I would spend more money on things that I deem worth it but you would choose to spend less instead and then grumble after that.

Not sure is it my age or that I am indeed becoming more self centered and demanding. I thought that this date night could have been better. All I felt was, you having to appease me which wouldn't have been needed if you were to put in more effort in the first place. I think if you really want it bad enough, you would try harder? Perhaps you're too comfortable with how everything has been...

Ain't all these signs that say, it's time to stop and let's just be friends? Wouldn't it be good to just be apart and salvage what's left of it for friendship?

You know your parents are trying to appease you, when they bought your favourite fruits (in my case is the strawberries) and by talking to you about things that are related to your work...

26 June 2011

'....I dun think you have loved me enough to want to be with me in a long run. If you dun see a future in us, let me go and let me move on.....'

Marriage doesn't guarantee anything at all. I know that. I heard that phrase all the time. But to hear it from a friend? To have a friend actually going through the process just make it oh so real...

The person next to you can be hiding the darkest secret from you. The person whom you love so so much can be shoving that skeleton so deep in the closet, crossing fingers that you will never ever find out.

It just makes me wonder, why did this marriage even start in the first place? Why my friend, who has such great personality, has to go through such dramatic situations...

I cannot imagine myself going through it...I hope she will come out stronger...she deserves to be happy...really...

My oldest nephew has reached the age, whereby he's curious to know my age and whether I'm gonna get married.

Funny I get alot of such questions from kiddos around this age. Is it a developmental phase that they will go through? Maybe it is at this stage, that they get curious about the adults' world. But who in the first place gave them the idea that adults reaching a certain age will necessarily be on the path to getting married and having babies? It's like they dun even need to be taught and they naturally know these stuffs at such young age!

Anyway, am really glad to see auggy and ben ben today...I miss the two boys...Auggy never fails to crack me up with his silly face and antics, like dashing for the toilet the moment he got home cos he really need to poo...Ben ben is ever so sweet and gentle...sharing his candies with me...And of cos kitty, who scratched me on the arm and kept saying she didnt wanna play with me cos i'm naughty and that she doesnt like me but continued to stick to me and gave me tonnes of hugs...

I'm glad to have them in my life...I hope they are glad to have me in theirs too...

You're like the daughter I'll never have...

Once again, you've saved my day...giving me the hugs and the kisses that melt my heart and brought smiles to my face...

I envy you, your abundant happiness, innocence and energy...

I miss carrying you around like a baby but I am happy that you are old enough to come to me, hold my hand and pull me along...even if it's just to get me to reach for something you can't reach...I love it when you try to comb and tie my hair...even if it means losing a few strands of hair from your tugging and pulling...

I hope you'll forever be the bubbly cutie pie that I love to cuddle with...

Someday, you're gonna grow up like your brothers and eventually, playing with me may not be such a fun idea anymore...

I hope that day will not come so soon...for I'll be very lost...very very lost...

I.GIVE.UP

So tired of acting strong, putting up a brave front and being the mean person...

Pls spare me the agony and just back off...

You think I want and like to act the way I did? If I dun stand up for myself who will? If I dun be firmed this time round, there will never be an end to it. It's only wednesday and I'm still up at this hour bawling my eyes out...how am I gonna survive through the week?

I am so tired...so tired of waiting...so tired of hoping...so tired of being crushed and be disappointed...

I give up...there is no such thing as love, there is no such thing as destiny...

There's no wrong in choosing to be alone and be happy being alone...

Question is...why am I feeling all so miserable at this point of time?

I dun ever want to forget this...

Look forward. You dun need someone else to survive. If the other is not a compliment, it's just a deadweight anyway...

Better alone than be in misery...

I'm done...

Sigh

Perhaps I cared too much and I talked too much too...

Time to just shut up and mind my own business...

Feeling alittle jaded. Hence the need to occupy myself with different ideas n different things. Not the best thing to do but that's the only way I can learn to be on my own...

Perhaps it's time to leave, so that I can move on with my life...

You ever said to me, not to leave cos you'll still be here...but I was never part of your journey...with or without me, I'm pretty sure you'll be able to adapt to my absence eventually...

I dun think you will ever want me bad enough to really want to be with me...

Love spending time with kitty...it's just amazing how fast she grows...now she can converse with you and give you the cutest answer you could ever get from a kid! Really fun to talk to her nowadays.

She can be quite bossy sometimes, telling you with a straight face that you absolutely need to blow your soup before drinking it cos it's too hot. Telling you that she loves to eat the stem of the veg but not the leaves cos they are too squishy. Reasoning with you that she is hitting you becos there is another boy in class who hit her, and when asked if she reported that to the teacher, she said no but she was so angry that she hit the boy back and the boy hit her back on the hand again...told her she need to tell the teacher or at least defend herself...she just gave a 'mmm' answer as though she really get what I mean by the word defend.

Today, she turned to me and cheekily called me "mummy" and said "mummy, bao bao..." - telling me to carry her....when she knows I'm not her mum...it melts my heart...sigh...too bad she's not mine to keep

2012!!!

Japan was superb! It was nice albeit the chilly wind and the cold rash that I had. Love the culture and the peeps there. I never knew I would like Japan, it was not even the place that I intend to visit in these few years but I am really glad that I went for this trip!

Food was great! More in love with Jap food than ever before! Love the people there. So cultured and polite. Not to mention so helpful too! Will never forget the geeky cute guy who came up to us on his own accord just because we looked so lost in front of the big map! Although he was not fluent in English, he still tried to help us along with the information we needed. Man...If he were to tell me that he would bring us to the eating place that we were looking for, I would have gladly followed him without a doubt =p

Now that I am back home. Everything is back to normal again. I am starting to feel stuck again, which is ridiculously fast to have such 'withdrawal symptom'!

Time to plan for the next trip!

Aim for this month :
Finish up paying my loan once and for all!
Finalise my driving test date
Look up for overseas work/study information

Whoop Whoop!

Heading to Japan for Xmas and New Year!

I wanna meet handsome Japanese boys! Will be even better if I can meet any one of the members of SMAP! hahahaha...

For the coming year, please give me strength to end whatever I need to end and to start afresh. Things are starting to fade, which is good I think. I dun get angry as much, I dun mind things that happened or not happened as much. I am starting to focus on myself more, perhaps not good enough in terms of loving myself more but I am getting there.

I will try to love myself more for 2012. I have to love myself more!

Standard Chartered Marathon 2011

Yes! I did it!

I did the first marathon of my life! Leg-breaking event...totally!

Alot of things went through my mind during this gruesome 42km run. At certain points, I really wanna cry cos it was just so so so lonely to run-walk on my own without any one to pull me along or push me ahead. But I still made it.

If I can do this thing alone, I think I can do anything alone =)

Most miserable weekends ever...it wasn't even fever..it's just endless itch. So bad that I dun even have the appetite for dinner and just popped the pills and slept thru my Saturday night.

Come to think of it, I dun know how I managed to pull thru Sat with back to back schedule. It's was the most tiring day ever. I've never dreaded work more. The fight against the drowsiness of the anti-histamine was really challenging. I could literally feel when the effects of the drug happened and when it started to tapper off...

Never have I felt so down and alone, itching and watching tv alone in the dark living room, hoping for the meds to work and stop the outbreak. I guess that's how single hood feel afterall....you're sick, you take care of yourself or wallow in your misery till you recover and is well enough to find the fun you should have in life...and the cycle goes on...

Sunday was bad...I was still itching and craved for more rest. But I had to help my mom deal with the two kiddos at home. It felt like I'm working overtime. I adore my nephews and niece but it's time like this that I want someone else to be keep an eye on them just for that little while. I tried to manage them as much so that my mom could cook the meals. Not fun when I had to manage the whiny girl and the fidgety Auggy who kept squashing me, treating me as his judo buddy and making me itch even more. I felt like screaming at my brother for all these but I couldn't cos I know he was equally tied up and tired. But I couldnt help but think the arrangement could have been better on his side at least.

Sometimes I ask myself - why am I trying so hard when obviously no one is appreciating it.

Sigh...

Exhausted

Wednesday felt like a Saturday. It was packed to the brim, with 15 minutes of lunch break. I had to run for toilet breaks. I had to gobble down my breakfast in the morning and gobble down my lunch in 15. Had 3 coffees to keep myself up...Stayed up till 3 am trying to finish up my report.

Thursday was just as tiring. I have a new driving instructor now, though I'm still gonna miss the fatherly big belly instructor. So happy that this instructor is with 12 years teaching experience and able to point out my mistakes without sarcasms. Nice papa figure to talk to as well. Phew, so glad...

Ended the day with someone fetching me home despite being really tired. So so so touched. Appreciate the effort and the nice-to-see-you-though msg.

Gonna try to finish up my report and then peace out~

Sunday pls come soon....

From being very happy and enthusiastic in the morning to feeling tired and disappointed at night...this is not how I want my night to end...

Either I am borderline biopolar or that I am expecting the wrong thing from the wrong person yet again...

Love is...

Staying up at night to get the herbs cooked for your partner because she was running a fever...

Fetching your troublesome daughter to the doctor and having lunch with her...



I missed riding on daddy's bike. Sitting behind him made me realized how much he has aged. I missed spending time with him alone...

Pissed not because you nagged at me but because you're telling or rather complaining to me about something I didn't do and something I have been telling you guys to be careful about especially with the last fall you had. And now you're telling me we have a serious problem because the kiddos slipped and fell?!!

I have been telling you guys to get the non slip mats after you broke your wrist in the toilet while I was in Aussie, you refused to get it cos you felt it's unnecessary and troublesome. Now you come and tell me to do my freaking part to mop the floor after my shower?!

You know I always do my part at home - make sure the switches are off before I leave the house; mop the toilet floor after I shower so that none of you will slip...for the record I even made my ex mop the floor every single time after he showered!

I am pissed becos you guys like to wait till accident happen then do something about it and for this case - auggy and kitty slipped and fell in the toilet cos their dad forgotten to mop the floor after shower!!!

None of you wanna listened to me...what more do you want me to say?!! Urgh!!!

Cannot deny that I am a tad touched by your gestures...

The amount of effort and the level of attentiveness...

Thanx for letting me know that I'm still worth the time and energy...

Officially hate weddings....especially those that involve relatives...

It's a constant reminder of my age and my failure to sustain any of my relationships well enough to make it to the alter....

It sux...big time...

My only consolation is that I have my nephews and niece to tend to so that I dun have to be questioned by my aunts and uncles...at least not directly all the time...

It's funny how some of them dun even know my occupation but care enough to wanna know when I'm gonna get hitched...sigh....

I'll be better...I hope...eventually I will be...

I know I dun have the right to be angry with anyone except myself..cos I have been the one who made the choice for everything that has happened...

I'll be better...I promise...

I couldn't shake it off...

The jog was good...appreciate the talking and the company...

The ikea and giant shopping was good...i really had fun and laughed a lot as I goofed around...

Here I am, after two glasses of whites and still awake, asking myself why do I give in so much. Why do I have to be so nice as to plan and initiate the no-contact break in such a way that the other party will feel less of the pinch while being away having fun checking in places with the girl he had crush on...why did I even bother to partially sponsor the early bday pressie, knowing that the girl will probably be in most of the pics taken...

Why do I allow myself to be the one dealing with all these emotional turmoils...feeling angry, bitter and upset all in one...

Lie to me...

I hate it...

Hate it that you guys are on the long trip together, checking in this place and that...

Hate to find out that the girl is so much younger than me, runs better than me, and fucking has the same Chinese name as me...

Fucking hate it...Argh!

Goldfish eyes...

Cried myself to sleep last night...

I can't help it...dam broke...eventually...

Clearing up...

I thought my day was alright, apart from getting that irritating fat driving instructor who kept criticizing me from beginning till the end, it went pretty alright...

I decided to clear my room. I think I haven't really cleared the junks for quite a while. I found alot of cards that my friends sent to me over the years. Really cute stuffs! Some are letters from yd while he was having attachment in Thailand. I even found the books that I have my friends to leave messages on when we were Sec 4.

I threw the flowers away. Kind of a sting when I did that. But I had to. Then I realized, the cup that was made for me broke into pieces. I wanted to bring it to office to use it, now it's too late. I was really really upset when I saw it. It's like a sign. Sigh...I used glue to piece it back but I guess I can't use it for drinking anymore.

It's always like that isn't it...certain things just not up to you to control. I have a plan to use it but that just doesn't warrant that i'll get to use it in the end. This is so upsetting.

Sigh...I also found cards that you gave me...one of them was so supportive of my career...I cried re-reading it...sigh...

Sigh...

To be truthful, I think I haven't gotten over the incident on Good Friday. Call it nosy, call it intruding of privacy. I think women's instinct can be so strong that we can sense what's wrong and often or not, there will always be things that will prove our instincts right.

Thrice it happened. In three different relationships. It boils down to the question of, is it me? Am I the underlying issue here that I do not have the qualities to keep my man's heart intact? Am I not worth the effort to have that one person to stay true to me, love me and see me as the one and only?

Perhaps that is why my desire to be a mom has been so great. To compensate for the love and belonging needs that I never seem to get from my relationships. I just feel that at the end of the day, I am dispensable. Doesn't matter how much time and effort I put into it, doesn't matter how much I am willing to sacrifice, doesn't matter how low I am willing to get down to. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. I am bound to be replaced. By someone new, someone younger, someone who can be more interesting than I am.

This is so pathetic. I am pathetic. I think my whole life, I have been chasing after these needs. Wanting my parents to love me more, chasing for their recognition, chasing for the love of my partner, chasing after the dream of setting up my own family.

I am tired of trying. Why try so hard when at the end of the day, I am bound to be at the losing end? Perhaps I am ultimately not meant to go through couplehood nor go through the procreation process. I think I should start making plans for this singlehood to be of a long term basis.

Right now, I just feel so damaged. Fucking damaged.

Went for a jog. 3km. I really got to get it going despite the feeling of purging was so great...haha...

A little disappointed with the length of distance covered but I reckon it's been awhile since I started jogging again, so gonna take sometime to pick up my stamina.

I remember I always wish that my partner will be someone who enjoys running so that he can run alongside with me and we can spur each other on. Tough call I guess. Will have to run this journey on my own. Sigh...

Back to masking my feelings and to pull through the days....

I'll be alright I guess...

Things to look forward to:
- yoga
- jogging training
- driving

Need to start training...get my mojo back for running else I'll die a terrible death during marathon.

But first thing first, give me some time to be depressed and wallow in my own misery...

没有人喜欢做狠角色, 我也不例外。I can't say I have no choice, cos there's always one...I just want to be on my own for the time being...

Forgotten that I did not have driving today. Luckily I checked again the last minute. Slept in quite abit today. In fact I slept pretty much the whole day today. Past week was a roller coaster ride, I'm so exhausted emotionally. It's really hard for me to see someone so young suffers.

Yoga has started and I am loving it despite the amount of aches it's giving me. Love it when I get to do it with Fen too, can't remember when was the last time we signed up for something to learn together.

Time to start marathon training. Need to get my butt moving to jog during the weekdays. Can't wait for this week to end. Long break =)

Things to be done:
- Dental appointment to be fixed
- Jogging schedule

Things in check:
- Final theory (Passed!!)
- Driving lessons (Still in progress)
- Yoga classes (Registered!!!)
- StandChart Marathon (Registered!!)
- Macbook Pro (Got it!!!)


I still need to:
- make an appointment with dentist
- start my regular jogging session
- go for body pump classes
- stop procrastinating in doing my work
- sync my iphone and ipad2 to my macbook pro (once it arrives!)
- look up for courses overseas or masters courses
- rock climbing (eh...maybe after my yoga classes)

No doubt I feel happier these days, there are still days in which I feel a tad empty. O well, I will get pass this...

I love the time spent on the Sunday that just passed. The brunch, the coffee and the chatting. It was such an awesome gathering. No doubt I was totally beat by the end of the day, I must say, I utterly love love love the company!

I was so touched when you guys mentioned that if I ever were to have a baby, my baby will definitely be surrounded by alot of godpas and godma! Of cos it's also very heartening to know that, you guys would still include me even if it meant I would be sharing cakes and coffee with you guys while breastfeeding my baby...That was hilarious...

Love you guys...tonnes and tonnes and tonnes...

May be it will be good for me to start dating again. Just random dating. Either to speed up finding my white horse prince or to get more jaded from the dating scene...ha...

Maybe I'm just not meant to get married or have babies...Sigh...

Start crafting a journey on my own...

Plans ahead - driving lessons, first marathon in Dec, Penang trip with new friend, possible Aussie trip...

That's all for now!

Fall of the star of david...

There were many times and occasions in which it fell off my wrist while I was at work. I remembered feeling my heart ache when I thought I have lost it! I was then frantically pulling the mattresses apart in the gym, even telling my kid to help me look for my bracelet. I also remembered feeling relieved when I finally found it, like how a child who found a prized item.

It was bought with love. That moment of happiness I will never forget. You've initiated and offered to get me something that you thought will suit me. Never mind the religious meaning behind it, I really loved it and was the happiest girl wearing it.

I am not a person who wears a bracelet to begin with, let alone wearing it everyday even at work when I have to handle kids. I learnt how to get around with it and got so used to it dangling on my wrist. It became part of me.

Today, I have decided to take it off on my own. The amount of sadness I am feeling right now, you will never understand. I have to relearn how to live without it.

I dun think you have loved me enough to want to be with me in a long run. If you dun see a future in us, let me go and let me move on...

Songs

First was 'Warwick Avenue' then it's 'Someone like you'

I sat there listening to these songs...

I just sat behind my house and bawled my eyes out. I kept thinking to myself, what have I not done to make it work. What have I done to cause the disintegration to something that is supposed to be beautiful in our lives.

Am I not fun enough to be with. Am I not interesting enough to sustain a relationship. Am I not good enough to be loved for who I am.

It is starting to hit me despite my best ability to shun it. Constant reminder to be strong, stay strong and keep working to make myself really tired. Tired enough to just want to go sleep and not talk, tired enough to just numb my feelings so that I will feel less.

At the end of the day, I still need to wipe the tears up on my own, look as normal as possible and go back home as though nothing has happened.

Life still goes on...I just need to suck it up and move...

Heartbroken...

What am I supposed to do to make you feel better?

Everything is in favour of you, even when I called off this relationship. I think I can support you better as a friend than a girlfriend. But that is also at the expense of my emotions. Who is going to be there for me through this process? Why is it that I have to put aside my emotions to deal with yours?

Who am I to kid when I obviously know your feelings towards me has not been as strong as before. I have been avoiding for the longest time to not face this, thinking we can resolve it. It's gone, it's gone. It's not something that can be chased after or to be fixed.

It's all about choices, and I think it's time to make a decision and move forward. I am willing to be the bad person to end this, even though I know I will be upset, lonely or even depressed. At the end of the day, we are just beating around the bush, not heading anywhere, aimless.

It has never been a straight path for me in my life to get to where I am now - studies, career, relationships. I think I am slowly coming to terms about being on my own and living the rest of my life alone. I rather do that than knowing that being in the relationship is making the both of us unhappy.

I am really really sorry, I dun have the means to make you happy anymore, not even the sight of me nor my words nor the concerns I have for you.

I have always loved and still love you. But I need to love myself too since that's the only thing I know I have complete control of.

5 years ago and 5 years now...

5 years ago, I had my first vote. I still remember vividly what happened and how I had to rush from one place to another. I was this naive, hopelessly in love girl who thought everything was going on blissfully for her...

I wonder why I didn't walk away, why I didn't protect myself or love myself enough to walk away. Why was I not proud of myself enough to know that I should have been gone and not turned back. Exactly what was holding me back.

5 years now, I had my second vote. Everything has changed. I got out of that horrid relationship and am in a new relationship.

I want to say that I have changed. I have learnt to love myself alittle more. But ironically, it is sad to say, not enough. Not enough to protect the entire me and my pride. Not enough to stop me from giving in. I still give in. I still give in enough to give up my pride sometimes. Did I read too much romance to think that by trying and giving in, things will work out eventually and everything will be good just like those fairy tales.

5 years from now, when I get the opportunity to vote again, I want to be different from where I am and how I am feeling right now. I want to be able to love myself. Love myself enough to know that although it will be painful, I owe it to myself to reject so that I will no longer be short changed.

One step at a time, I will reach there. I have to.

Yeah! Happy! Finally after so long!

So happy! Still pretty hyped up about today!

Peifen specially gotten the car so that she could drive me around for brunch and Biennale as well. Thank you so much for the effort and time! Thank you so much for loving me!

I mean how sweet can one be...she knows that I have not been to riders cafe nor Prive before and hence suggested us going to one of these places to kinda pre-celebrate my birthday! =)

O and I'm gonna go watch Kylie's concert with Gage and the boys! So exciting! I think I'm slowly picking myself and my life up! Feel so blessed to have so many friends who love me and willing to spend time with me!

Okie...anyway I need to put up my wish list for this year:
1. Nice tote bag
2. SK ll 'miracle water' (to help my face achieve that kinda glow-from-within look)
3. Cosmetics (anything from lipsticks, blusher, mascara etc.)

I cannot think of anything else...

I shall remind myself to not expect too much so that I will not get disappointed!

I have the choice and I always do...just need to keep reminding myself that!

Birthday is coming...

I wish for...

Health

Love

Friendship

Strength

not feeling too well atm...to be continued...

It's back...

I have been trying to fight it but it's back...and it's eating me up once again...It's making everything looks ugly again...

I have turned into this person who cannot let go nor look beyond what is presented...I want to let go of it and move on but I can't...I tried to move ahead, something will drag me back and I will go back to harp on it...again and again and again...and it just spirals downwards into the bottomless hole...

I am back to this insecure creature who is so unsure of herself and so lack of confidence...

Where did my self esteem go? Where did my dignity go? I feel so out of control now and it's killing me inside...

Keep things in check...

Running: 26 and 27 April...

Biennale 2011: went on Sunday with Peifen...

Dental appointment: have yet to fix, perhaps this coming Monday!

Advance theory booking: to get it done in a week's time

Keep things in check...

To apply for advance theory and secure the date - in process

To go for dental checkup - probably next Monday.

Run/jog 3x a week - started 11 April (Monday)...

Visiting Biennale - next Sunday

Cannot sleep, throat is hurting badly. Sigh.

I think I should join more activities to keep myself healthy and alert and happy. Maybe from there I will get to know more people, new people...new meaning to life perhaps...

Love spending my Sunday doing more meaningful stuffs. Meeting friends, spending more time with them, knowing that they are doing alright and coping well, makes it all worthwhile despite me being tired.

I would love to spend more time with you but I reckon, you seem to need sleep/rest more than the need to spend time with me. To keep myself happy, I pull myself out, and get myself busy.

Hate to do this but I have to constantly remind myself to be strong for myself cos no one else will and it is not any one's responsibility to do so. Even if there is this person who promises that he will be my pillar, it is only temporary. Everything will go back to square one eventually. Nothing last...I should have known...

Things to get settled...

Post the cheque - checked

Haircut and colour - checked

To apply for advance theory and secure the date - in process

To go for dental checkup - in process

Run/jog 3x a week - psyching in process

Visiting Biennale - next Sunday

Bug gage about his job status - always in process...

I will always pick myself up no matter what happens...it's no big deal...really...

But why did I tear after I typed this msg. I was so good, so so good in controlling my emotions. Yet, when I was done typing these words, tears just welled up...

Pulling myself out is the hardest decision to make but I have to, I need this self preservation act in order to survive.

I am tired of pushing for us to talk, pushing for this, pushing for that. I am tired of throwing something or complain about something at you in order to get some response, attention or feedback. I would like to think that I have given you ample time and opportunities...now I am just so tired.

I dun want to talk anymore. Now I just want to run, and I have to let you know I am very good at it.

I miss us...

Seeing you, reminded me of what I've lost...

Seeing what you have beside you, reminded me of how unfair the world is that you've got everything but I have to give up on mine just so I can survive...

This ripple effect is not doing me good and it keeps reminding me of the past...

Sometimes, I need to know that I am of certain importance to you, not just soccer-important or work-important but important-cos-I-mean-something-kind of important...

Sometimes, I need to know that I will be included in your plans, like how I include you in mine, just so that the uncertainties will not have a chance to delude me and having me engulfed by the paranoid-cum-insecurity monster...

I used to think it will be different this time round. Things used to look so promising, you definitely looked more promising...

The reason I cried so hard the other night was not because of your uncertainty about me but because I realized we have both reached the stage where we start to be unsure of each other and that the reality of having to part might just be one of the options.

This really upsets me alot...I really thought this is IT...that I am done searching...

If this is not working...I seriously have no idea what to do next...

Maybe it is just not meant to be...

I had the chance but I gave it up...it slipped and it felt like that may just be the only time...sigh...

Looking at where I am now, perhaps it's a sign that I should focus my life on something else...studies or traveling...

I should just give up...

Running on empty...

I think as I get older, my energy level really dip significantly. I can no longer stay up late, wake up early the next morning and be all bubbly the whole darn day; I whined so much more, mainly about being tired and lack of energy.

I tried to jog on alternate days on the first week of the year, I ended up more exhausted than ever. I tried to be more positive and expected less of everything but I turned out getting even more disappointed.

Did I lose the ability to be independent along the way? Did I lose the ability to think and be self sufficient emotionally? Did I lose the ability to be simple and contended?

I was never that strong to begin with. All the failing and getting back on my feet made me who I am now but it also exhausted me to a certain extend. I just wish I have that someone who can be stronger and allow me to lean upon from time to time.

It is so hard to find happiness, so hard to sustain it. Is it selfish of me to ask to be treated better? Is it wrong of me to ask for more? Sometimes I even ask myself, do I deserve it?

I dun think I have broken down into uncontrollable sobs since two years ago. I have never done that in front of anyone. Tearing perhaps but never uncontrollable sobs because I am too proud to do that in front of others. Plus I often looked like a wreck after that. Seriously, I dun know what came over me last Sunday that I allowed that to happen, on your lap, in your presence. Is it the sense of helplessness or the sense of loss? That I can never get what I have always wanted. Maybe that's what you have been feeling and I should be more understanding...of all people, I should be...

Maybe we need to start building ourselves up again before deciding what to do next. Maybe taking a step back and focus on what we should be concentrating on individually will be a better idea. Minimal hurt, minimal dilemma, minimal disappointment, minimal uncontrollable sobs...

Yippee...

Okie, I can't sleep...So might as well write something...

Kid of mine scored really well in his O Level...like 8 points! Dude...I was over the moon though he was not too please with his results...still...I am really really happy for him...

One happy thing happened...not to me but at least it's something to cheer upon...I'm glad...

At least something good is happening =)

2011

First jog of the year, it felt good, it cleared my mind alittle...

But...why do I still feel like crap deep down...

New Year Resolution...

Start building myself up again...

Start exercising...get rid of that flabby tummy...

Get the stupid freaking license already!!!

~Sigh~

I dun think I am that good at mothering and giving in to an adult constantly...

I want to be able to lean on that someone who can be my pillar, who can be strong enough to tell me what I should be doing and not the other way round...

I want to be pampered and babied...

Now I feel like I am this mean person...who is supposed to provide reality checks and turns out to be this unsupportive bitch...

Maybe stepping back to be just a friend is easier to deal with this than being more than how it is...

~lost~

seriously...where should I stand? I was hoping the jog will give me some inspiration...but i guess not...

Woo...been three months or so since I last touched this space...

Plain lazy...busy or just...cannot be bothered...A combination of 3 I guess...

Currently am feeling very tired (what's new) and trying to psych myself to do my work...sigh...always...

Been a fairly good year I guess...except for the constantly falling sick part...

Over this year...I think some part of me remain the same...some part died along the way...

Still stupidly naive in this thing call 'relationship' and waiting for someone who is romantic enough to sweep me off the ground for good...

Still incapable of dealing with hope and disappointment...I guess the key is...dun raise my hope and get me all excited and then drop me to let me crash and die on the spot....

I.cannot.deal.with.that....

I feel like taking a long break from everything but I know financially that is not possible...just got to grit my teeth and go through this...

How long can I stand this...I dun know...but I do know I am feeling pretty depressed at the moment despite knowing that I pretty much have what I need right now...

Exactly what is lacking? What? I cannot pin point what is it...and that irks me...a hell lot...

Am I so broken to the extend that the emptiness forbade me to feel contentment?

Lost it...again...

I blew up...once again...

I'm tired...my immune system has been pretty down...

I did not expect myself to blow over your casual comments but I did...

I know you didn't mean it but it still hurt to hear it albeit not directly to me...

I do try to help...maybe in your eyes it is ultimately not substantially enough...

Work...come back home...play with kitty...bring her downstairs so that I can relieve you guys for awhile...by the time all has been done, it will be late...I will be drained...

Reports piling up...so I try to do as much at night...

I feel like a single mom...I am tired...

Maybe it was not your remark that upset me...just that it triggered everything and I could not hold it anymore...

I think I have not cried like that since I broke up with banker...and it continued till sat and sun nights...so silly right...

To me, it's like a slap in the face, nothing I do is good enough...

Sometimes I ask myself, why do I try so hard?

Perhaps I need to be alone, to learn how to love myself once again, to learn how to love myself more.

I always think that giving in and being understanding play a big part in the relationship. One day your partner will appreciate it...one day your partner will do the same...one day he will not find the little things you deem important, a chore or embarassment but will generally do it for you because it's you...

Yes...one day...

Maybe there will never be this one day...cos I am just not that person...

I am tired of waiting for this one day...

I am so tired...that I am thinking of running away...

About numbers...

Not motivated to blog much lately...

I cant believe it's been 6 years since I last started blogging! I actually have that much of rubbish to write online that can last me through the 6 years...hahaha...weird...

It's been 2 years since I'm back from Melbourne...I still miss the place...and I still so desperately wanna go back...

It's been 1 year since you stood by the door and asked me the question...funny how time flies...hmm...

The one and only costume party that we ever attempted...

This was where it all began...The crazy night we had two years ago...















Time flies...and it brought so much FOND memories even till today...

You guys can't deny that my teeny-weeny-tipsy mistake created this great memories of ours...

I can imagine 10 years down the road, you guys will still be mocking me about the expired wine that I coaxed all of you to finish it for me and that everyone of you so spontaneously and willingly did...

Down to the bits of the 'zar zar' as well...(except for yk who revealed just last Sat, that he couldn't quite take it and poured his remaining out of MY window when we aint looking)...

Ah....so two years later...we realised red wine DOES expire...and there aint suppose to have ANY 'zar zar' aka residual in the liquid...

Of all these reminiscings, what cracked me up was the mention that it actually tasted like prune juice...

Admist the hysterical laughters...it suddenly hit me---YYYYES! THAT was exactly the taste of that drink that very night!

OMG!!!

After two freaking years, my friends actually remembered the taste!

I must have traumatized them so much that, over the two years, with their many many Many MANY drinking occasions...the taste of my expired wine still has that special place on their palate!

I hereby sincerely apologize for the trauma I have put my friends through...But seriously...

Prune juice...

I cannot help but laugh even when typing this out...maybe it was after that round of 'prune juice' that we all went haywire...

I wonder...

why am I so unmotivated? Is it due to the fact that I'm lack of sleep and feeling sickish all the time...

when will he put our picture as the profile pic...not for the sake of putting but that he genuinely wants to...or even happy to do so...

why my tolerance level for kitty is higher than for the boys...

why I no longer read in the train but play with my ds lite instead...

when I can snap out of this depressive mode...been awhile...or am I just trying to avoid it thinking I am truly okay...

why I am back to the seasonal menstrual cycle when previously everything was alright...am I really that stressed?

Feeling extremely out of sort...

not productive at all...

Wish you were here...

Love is...

When you're tired but still made your way down to where ever I am...

When we shared and laughed at silly silly jokes...

When we are comfortable with each other, be it in silence...or be it with you playing the games and us laughing hysterically at your super mario plunging down the cliff...

Doing things that you feel awkward but will still do it for me...

When you made the effort to be with me...and accepting me for who I am...

Not just any other Saturday night...

I have nearly forgotten how fun it was to just hang out even if it's late into the night...even if I'm sickish and tired after work...

It was super fun to meet up and have curry fish head together at the place we used to go many years back...

It was fun to have ice cream together and share with the each other the different nice-weird-accquired taste ice cream...

It was nice to drive around, to get lost together and then to sit down at a fast food outlet to just drink and chit chat...

It was great hanging out with the two peeps who love me so much and who can laugh and criticize me openly...I just need this kind of quality time in which I can talk and trash things out...I just need someone whom I know will do anything and everything to make me happy...

At least I know I am important to them as they are to me...and I know no matter what, they'll think of and look out for me...

At least for the two of them...I know for sure...and I am really really grateful for that...really...

It sux to be an adult and to fall sick...

Mom only asked what happened and then went out...

Dad blasted the tv, shocking the hell out of the drowsy me...I had to tune the tv volume down myself...

Bf had a tiring day and ended up falling asleep while talking to me...always...

Lucky me...I do love myself enough to drag the hell out of me to see the doc...and then drag myself back home to sleep...

Where is all the TLC I am supposed to get from the loved ones...

Today...I thought I can have some TLC...but nope...

Ended work at 8 plus and all alone...

Didnt know what to do, dun feel like having dinner, I ended up buying stuffs...

welcome to the adult world...

be mindful...you're on your own and it sux big time...

When I say I'm tired...I am...

Why is it that when I said I'm tired, you would still bring over the manual and sit beside me and started asking me questions...

It's not that I dun wanna help...I did...I took a deep breath and I read the stuff and brief you how to use it...

But it's upsetting that you actually disregard how I fucking feel...

sigh I'm really tired...cant you just at least acknowledge it...

Thank you, oki buta aka butt master aka yingkai...

I know a girl named jiahui (not jia hui), jiahui is true and nice to everyone, everybody likes her she has many friends and jiahui was happy, but dark clouds began to cover jiahui's sky, rain fell and like a sunflower without sunlight, jiahui almost withered in the darkness. Fortunately, jiahui perservered and the rain stopped, clouds began to clear and the sun began shining, jiahui slowly remembers how to be happy again, strangely in jiahui's pursuit of happiness, i grew distant from her, at times, i panciked at the tot of losing a friend n wonders wad can be done to shorten the distance, until one day, when jiahui smsed me and we began chatting, through the short exchanges of messages, memories of the past were evoked and i realised there r so many things abt jiahui that i know, thats impossible to shake off, thats when i realised distance between jiahui n me might be widening, but it just takes simple short interactions to shorten the distance substantially, ha..there arent many ppl in my life that im able to do that with, most ppl just drift apart and never reconcile. so to my dear friend aka fatimah, joojooba, piggy, left butt cheek, of 14 years, (which is half of our current lifetime) happy birthday!

Birthday wishlist!

Here is goes...

1. Iphone

2. Clarins Multi-Active Jour

3. Clarins Multi- Active Nuit

4. Clarins Younger Longer Balm

5. Cosmetics

6. A small cushion for me to hug at night since I threw away my 20+ year old blue pillow...

7. Earrings that don't rust and not too big that the kids can pull them out

8. Teardrop shape pendent preferrably diamond (dropped in rank...ha ha ha)

Okie pretty much it...if i thought of anything I'll add in somemore...

Every year when it's close to my bday, I'm freaking grouchy...I think I am sabotaging myself in some ways...damn...anyway time to sleep...night

chats...

Yk and my conversation...it's short, simple and straight to my heart...

You need a break from life I think, you need time on your own when you dun need to be accountable to other people, you need time for yourself...

I rem when you were there (Melbourne), you were pretty happy, it's as it I can see you smiling when chatting with you on msn...

Yesh piggy, think over here you're just like an actress, you have to fulfill so many roles...get everyone to like your acting...think it's impt to rest for you to be yourself again...

That's exactly how I feel...

And when I said that he knows me well...his reply cracked me up...

Of cos I understand you, you're my left butt cheek, yd is my right butt cheek....

man...if that's the case...I seriously dun mind being one of your butt cheeks...

Quickie

I want iphone...

I need anti-aging products...or cosmetics....makes me look younger or at least less tired...

I need some hair growth stuffs...the hair at the front portion of my head is thinning...this is worrying...

Preferably I can have a sugar daddy so that I dun have to work anymore...or at least till my body gets better...which may or may not take forever...haha...

Not feeling too good...but I still gotta go get ready to attend a talk that is in the middle of the day...

Time to start the week again...

sick woman's rants...

Kitty has been sick, so was Mr Fish...

Now it's my turn to get sick...sux big time...and I am still in the office trying to finish up work...sigh...

Sometimes I have the urge to up myself and go to another country to work or to live...just to get away from home for awhile...

It's been tiring, to juggle between being a daughter, an aunt and an employee. I'm not complaining but it is tiring to work ie. deal with kids and listen to parents' concerns then go home be a filial daughter and try to listen to mom's complaints and try to help out in looking after kitty just so they can have a breather. It's tiring to do all these within a day.

I am so sick of the complaints...seriously...most of the time if I do go home for dinner, it would be sitting down with kitty beside me playing while I eat, with mom sitting there telling me about dad's cough which is keeping her up in the night and how she's not getting enough sleep cos of his cough and kitty waking up...of how stubborn dad was for not listening to her advice in seeing doc for his cough...etc etc etc...

I know you need a let out...I know you need someone to hear you...I try to listen and help whenever I can...But it's sad to just listen and give whatever I have without being heard nor thought of. There is neither 'how has your day been at work?' nor 'how are you feeling'...

I want to tell you how tired I am but I know I shouldn't cos yours will always trump mine and it doesnt quite matter whether I am well or not...Perhaps the only consolation is the dinner you cooked for me...which I do appreciate very much...

Am I asking too much?

random

Weather is so bloody warm...

I want that huge patrick plush toy! I wonder if Toys R'us still sells it...

Love the surprise! Sorry I spoilt it...nonetheless, thanx for making me smile when i was sick...

la la la la

Pink Martini concert was good. I have never seen almost all the peeps doing a standing ovation and requesting for encore so enthusiastically! The last song I actually stood up and dance...can you imagine, missy me grooving to the music? I mean it's not the Kylie concert kinda dance, more like cuban dance kinda dance...it was great fun! I was really really impressed with their performance, their chemistry and how much they were enjoying themselves during the performance.

Friday night's dinner was great too even though I had to stay in office till 9pm. No doubt I was a dead meat when I went to meet my two bullies...it's been awhile since we met up and just talked. Movies, songs, work, life....talked, bitched, discussed, commented...Thanx for all the valuable advice you guys gave me...no one can be as honest as you are...appreciate that alot...

Sat night was with fen...dinner was great...Again, I was a dead meat when I went to meet her. I literally slept on my work desk while waiting for her to be done with her errands and to meet me...I didnt even respond when my colleague pat me on the shoulder to say bye...nonetheless, the catching up was awesome!

I think i'm really exhausted this entire week...

Now am coughing and fluey...sigh...I wish I can stay home to get some proper rest...Can I hibernate? pls???

OMG

I didn't know her MTV can be so interesting! Love it!

Pink Martini

Over the valley
I saw a silver cloud
With a pink lining
I said it right out loud
There’s no denying
You are my one and only love
And we’ll see over the valley
The moon rise above
Over the valley
This house among the trees
Where we’ve been hiding
Making our memories
And I’m deciding
You are my one and only love
And we’ll be over the valley
As the moon shines above
The autumn breezes carry all the bluebirds
Down to where the sun still shines
If we could hold this day
In our hearts someway
We would never roam
Ever far from home
Over the valley
Just above the fray
The sun is setting
And when we’re old and grey
I’ll still be betting
You are my one and only love
And over the valley
The moon shines above




Baby, I miss you

Rants...

Everytime I want to update my blog, I ended up falling asleep in front of my lappy. What's new right, been doing that since my Melbourne days. Should be glad I didn't drool on it.

I'm not a competitive person to begin with, so when statistics are being brought up, I can feel my whole shoulder droop. I'm not the best therapist, I admit. But I do make sure kids who are under me are alright at least. Does it mean that if my stats drop, I'm a bad clinician?

I'm not a person who thinks very far ahead. So when certain subjects were being brought up, they tend to bring undue stress rather than enlightenment or goals that I can look forward to. Topic on saving aside (I think I have yd to thank for...hehe), things that has the connotation of marriage, no. of kids to have etc. are not in my agenda at the moment. So.quit.asking.me.these.questions. It is annoying to answer over and over and over and over again. It's not the issue of 'I am not ready' or 'I am an anti-commitment freak'. I have since learnt that even with planning, things dun work the way I want them to be. With planning, comes stress to accomplish them. With planning, comes the possibility of forcing something that may not necessary be working out to work out. Why spoil something that is seemingly alright at this point of time?

So I guess at the moment, I'll just have to focus on myself and my career, make as much money as possible so that should I need to grow old on my own, I dun need to end up begging on the street.

Procrastination...

I should be typing my report...I aint...urgh...

From shading to tapping...

That's how long it took me to pass my basic theory.

Seriously, I had it since it was paper format till it became computerized! Such an embarrassment to even mention that I have finally made it through a simple basic theory test for driving =p

Fen took basic theory test with me like 4 years ago, she passed, I flung...till now that she's been my faithful driver for almost 3 years, I am not even close to touching the steering wheels....

Gage's mom took the practical test and passed it at first try...still I have yet to even pass my basic!

I was telling myself, if I still fail it today, I am perhaps destined to be driven around...haha...

Anyhow...glad that I can at least be promoted from a repeated basic theory failure to a potential road hazard...hopefully I can get my license by this year...

Cross fingers...and toes....pray hard hard...

Tiger Year...ROAR ROAR ROAR...

Have not been blogging for a long long long time...cos each time when I got around to wanting to type, I would either feel sleepy or fell asleep in front of the lappy...

Anyway, been pretty good for the whole of Jan and Feb...apart from constantly feeling tired after work, I am pretty much the same...

Went for Zoo run two weeks ago with Mr Fish...quite fun to run in the Zoo and Night Safari...except for those bloody hills which made me swore like no one's business....Trying to catch up with his pace during the run nearly killed me cos lazy me have not been training for a month since my half marathon in early Dec, rarely attend bodypump cos have been feeling tired. The perks of running in the Zoo was that halfway through, we had all the reason to stop...not to rest...but to go and watch animal show....haha...Am still pretty fascinated with the huge seal...still as entertaining as ever...

CNY this year was good...Got my arse down to chinatown with gage, his mom, yilong and peifen...I think last year I missed the whole after-midnight-go-chinatown-sweep-for goodies event as I was down with fever...This year was fun! Always felt happy to be able to spend the time with my pals and his mom and bro...kinda like my second family....we'll just joke with each other and do the 'food tasting' on the goodies that were bought at discounted price. Going to the temple was nice....prayed for health and happiness for my family and loved ones...

CNY visitings was slightly different this year too...Mr Fish came to bai nian at my place, aunt's place and he made the effort to come with me to my paternal side gathering...Kinda funny to introduce him to my relatives cos for the record, I have never done that or rather never get to do that before...I must say, it's kinda nice to have him with me to know my family alittle better...

Down side of CNY this year...My precious niece was hospitalized from Chu Er till now due to fever and UTI...Visited her during my lunch breaks at times and after work...she seemed alright but looking at her tiny hand with that IV plug just gives my heart aches...not to mention looking her getting the injections...sobz...Apart from those nasty things...Sis said kitty has been charming the doctors, nurses and medical students...Hope she gets discharged soon...I really miss hearing her blabbers and seeing her rocking her playpen at home....

This year's Vday, I got to spend it with Mr Fish. Nothing special, no pressie or flowers...too tired from visitations to plan anything...It could have been better, should there be no hiccups with the dinner we had...nonetheless I do appreciate the time spent together...

Happy thing in office - My dear housemate cum colleague is finally hitched! So happy to hear that her bf proposed to her on her birthday! Hehehe...looking at how much they have gone through over these years...I am thrilled to see her settling down, setting up her own family...now you can truly be a mothergoose for good reason! muah haha!

Okie, very random post...sleepy now...shall go snooze...will upload pictures next time...

This Christmas...

I had diarrhea that bugged me on and off for days...I reckon the way to stop it, is to starve it...muah haha...it kinda worked eventually...

This Christmas...

I cooked spagetti for my clique...

Okie...I almost cooked all 3 packets of spagetti because I misread Sze's message...he said 3/4 of a packet of spagetti while I read it as 3 to 4 packet of spagetti...for 8 ppl what...you cannot fault me for the misinterpretation right...

Quite thankful that I'm pretty lazy when it comes to cooking...can you imagine if I didnt get tired and too lazy to cook the other 2 packets of spag??? I think my friends would have eaten until they puke the noodles through their noses...


This Christmas...

I had to endure the urge to LS while purchasing or should I say grabbing the ingredients from the shelves; smile and try to maintain my composure while waiting patiently to make payment; smile yet again and pray hard that I won't LS in my shorts while the cashier made small talk with me...I swear, I nearly wanna grab her collar, asked her to stop talking just so she could scan those bars quickly and let me go home to my beloved toilet bowl...

It's not funny to lup the bags of stuffs and made my way home in the half skip half run pace...any quicker or slower, I would have shittd in my shorts...

So...I did manage to whip up a meal enough for 8 of us...Please be assured that I DID wash my hands thoroughly after going to the toilet! But being paranoid, I still put a disclaimer after my dear friends were done with the meals that should they have diarrhea, I will provide bao ji wan...

I know I know...bad habit of mind...I should have warn you guys earlier...at least I didnt wait till one year later then tell you guys about it okie =p

This Christmas...

The cab driver tried to flirt with me while all I could think of was to deliver my food safely to gage's place...I know it's a flirt when he used stupid lines like "wah your IC photo looks very pretty..."

It was taken when I was Pri 6...Helloo...you're a peadophile or what...duh...


This Christmas

I am happy cos fen is back, finally...and to celebrate Christmas with her just makes it even more meaningful...


This Christmas...

I received the puzzles that I have been eyeing for ages...despite me knowing its presence...I am still happy that it was completed within such a short time...

Appreciate that you try to surprise me so early in the morning and fetching me to work...

Muack!

Last night, I dreamt that banker called me over the phone to wish me Merry Christmas and to have a meet up. I pretty much got woken up and unable to sleep. I didn't sleep until much tossing and turning were done...

It sux...I rem telling myself 'nah bey, it's not even dawn yet! Fucking waste my sleeping hours!' And for me to use the NB word...I ish feeling very frustrated...

Lately, the hiccups within my current relationship have made what was pretty happy-and-bright-lovey-dovey-time to have a sudden turn and nose-dive into the black hole...What's going on? I thought we were going on pretty good...I want those lovey dovey time back...

It's sux to feel insecure, it sux to feel scared...

I used to avoid confrontations or avoid touching ANY issue that cropped up...Missy here is well known for running...running away for problems...

For me to want to talk about stuffs is a huge step, to come out of my comfort zone, to want to work things out instead of letting it snowball and eventually resulting in an ugly death...It is a huge step for me to confront the issues and face the possibilities of hearing things I dislike or fearful of knowing...

I am afraid that I will get into the mode of shutting things out just so I can protect myself better...I am afraid that I will turn and run the opposite way to reduce the possibility of getting hurt...I am afraid that I will be back to before where I have no one to protect me but myself...I am afraid that I am indeed too broken for anyone to be able to accept who I really am...

I do have to admit, I have not been home much lately.

Had to stay home to babysit today. It was good and it felt good too. Too bad Ben ben was away in Clementi. I have not seen him or spent much time with him lately.

Love it when I get to spend time with the kiddos. Kitty girl has been so cheeky and cute as always. Auggy has been so funny with his antics too.

Dinner with mama and papa was good. We took train to Hougang and had crab for dinner. Little ones were not too handful to deal with, hence dinner was rather enjoyable. Walked around abit after dinner and we came to this little playground on the 5th floor of Hougang mall. Had some fun putting Kitty on the swing, seeing Auggy screaming his heart out while papa turned him on the merry-go-round. My dear folks even tried the equipment themselve. Quite a hilarious scene to see them doing that and mama fell on her butt while attempting the super miniature swing with Auggy.

Santa Claus was around to give out candies too and the kiddos were so happy to see him. Kitty girl was not even scared of the fake santa.

Quite a few people gave me odd looks when I was carrying Kitty. Perhaps I dun look like a mom. Or am I too young to be one? Maybe.

Anyway, if I ever have kids of my own, I'll make sure I can handle them myself instead of relying on someone else.

Mr Fish and I

Random pics we took...















Take 1...trying to be funny...sticking half the tongue out...
















Take 2...cant rem whether he was trying to say something or act surprise...















Take 3...finally...a proper photo...haha

I dun know why I cared in the first place. Now I look like a fool who wasted the time and effort, only to go hungry, exhausted and pissed, combination of all in just one night.

I am NOT angry that you changed your schedule with the sharing session. I would have loved to witness you launching your book and hearing your heartfelt speech, I am happy that you achieved that.

I am in fact pissed that when you had in mind to revert the schedule, you failed to inform me. Is it really that hard to even drop me a msg to tell me about it. Seriously I dun care about others' achievement. I do care about yours. The fact that you told me you might shift the session, showed me the effort of yours to involve me. Hence, I made the effort to fulfill my promise of reaching the venue before 9pm.

I had back to back sessions today. 7 kids in total, one toilet break. Sessions officially ended at 6pm but I had to stay in office to send emails, look up for exercises etc. I did not leave the office till 8pm. I had to take the bus, miss the bus stop, walked from bukit merah interchange to the venue...only to find out that I have missed it.

Perhaps to you, I have not made enough effort to go there on time. I tried but at 7, I was still printing out stuffs in the office.

I should have just dropped a msg to congratulate you and then tell you that I'm sorry I can't make it...

It would have saved all the trouble and save me from getting all worked up...

It's not the first time this happened...it's just like the time when you told me you would bring the boys over to the gym, only to tell me you guys couldnt make it...and I only gotten to know it when I msg you!

A simple msg, a notification...is it that hard...

snippets of life...

Time: After dinner

Venue: In the train

Moments:

Cant remember exactly what started it...we just laughed and laughed and laughed...

It could be me laughing at him and his 'muted' watch, it could be him whining about his 'muted' watch, it could be me constantly disrupting him in his reading, it could be me being just plain silly...

I love the time spent with Mr Fish...


Time: Every Sunday (almost)

Venue: Fitness First

Moments:

Aint consistent in going for bodypump but I am loving this time allocated for working out with my pals.

From nagging me to load up my weight to me bouncing around after a seemingly tough work out (cos I cheated by using the lightest weight)...

From me trying to get my coordination to me stamping my feet into yd's face...

From us sweating like pigs after a 2-hour work out to us nua~ing at the sofas...

It always warm my heart to have you guys around me...

It still irks me intermittently...

That you attempted to add me on facebook...

That she attempted to add me on facebook too...

I do not have anything that I can offer you or her...

I know it may be karma that things in which you fear most will always find its way back to haunt you...

But I have come clean for months...

So why now?

=(

Sigh...lying on my tummy the whole day and still feeling like shit is no joke...

I hope it will go away soon with the meds in place...

I have been eating when I'm hungry and when necessary, so what is wrong...

Do I really have to go for scope and scan as what the doc mentioned...

Maybe my intestines are rotting away as I'm typing...

getting fatter

Been falling asleep without me knowing and waking up in the middle of the night to head for shower then sleep again...

Such disruption is so not good for my sleep-wake cycle...

Been having late dinners too as I get out of office late....by the time I am done with dinner, I would usually fall asleep in like an hour's time...

Such is so not good for my tummy! It is getting flabbier despite me eating lesser...I wonder is it my metabolism going slower...I used to be able to get flat tummy when my diet and appetite went down...not on purpose but in stress induced situation...

I dun think I have overworked but why do I still feel stress all the time...and I am constantly doubting my abilities in helping the kids nowadays...why?

time to go sleep first...I think I should plan for a short break in Dec...I really cannot take it already...sigh...

I hate...

to cry...

I hate being weak...it just goes to show that after all these while...I'm still the weakling...

Cannot remember when was the last time I jogged at night...But I just had to do it tonight...even if it is in the middle of the night...even when I'm feeling so darn exhausted physically and mentally...the build-up frustration was too much...I need to feel better...I have to feel better...



to go Genting...

It is the one place which made me realize that my presence is no more important than the monetary pleasure that one might get out of gambling...

Technically, I am no more valuable than those stash of notes...seriously...

It's all about the money...

Even till now...I still have this feeling that money is more important than me...



to have gastric...

been plague with it since I was pri 2...the on and off affair seems to been off until recently...

I think my long lost fren just found me yet again...