Had so much fun during Kali sessions. So far, it's been pretty interesting learning this form of martial art. Really have to thank my colleague for introducing it to us.

It's been four years since I joined my company.

It's been four years....

I almost forgotten the year and how long it has been. 2008...when everything happened for a reason and how hard it had been...

Till now, I dun know how I got past it...going through what I had to go through...pretty much on my own and trying to keep my sanity all at the same time...

Here I am...still standing...I am doing pretty alright...aren't I?

Something to keep me going...

Almost teared when I read the email. Touched, very very very touched...

I have never quite felt this hard saying goodbye to any of my kids when I discharged them or that they stopped for OT for whatever reasons.

This boy was such a lovely kid that I really feel for him and hope the very best for him from the bottom of my heart. Never have I come across a kid who has his amount of issues, yet is so humble and genuine in person. He has been so compliant and never once fussed when I got him to do any tasks. It was such a great joy interacting with him. I assessed him in Feb and he has to head back home for good in June. The relocation came with such short notice.

Almost wanna cry when I gave him a goodbye hug =(

Wish I could have longer treatment time with him and see him through the process of being better in what he has problem in...

I didn't know he actually enjoyed coming to see me that he would turn down any events or invitations that fell on the time slot that he usually came to see me...Am truly truly touched...

Thank you for the effort kiddo...Will really miss you!

No motivation. I need to start on my reports and finish them. I need to start feeling things again.

Am neither happy nor sad. It's the worst ever to feel like an empty shell.

I think I kinda picked myself up somewhere somehow. Now I need to do things to make myself even happier. Need to love myself even more. I do deserve better. If you cannot keep up then what can I say? I am really sorry. We all need to better ourselves in some way I guess.

It's not about not giving chances, sometimes things change, people change too. I dun want to compromise anymore. It shouldn't have needed to come to this point where I dun even feel sad to initiate being apart.

I probably will never get my love and belonging needs fulfilled in an intimate relationship but I am glad I still have friends to fall back on.

Sigh, what can I say except I guess...sometimes love just ain't enough....

Mismatch

I'm sorry this has to happen, I just dun see the way you see this friendship...why cant we just be friends, as in normal buddy-pal kinda friends...

Appreciate you trying to be there for me during the hard times and I am grateful that I was important to you...

I can't condone your thinking and actions, especially at the expense of my emotions...

The only reaction I can conjure up is smile so that it can mask the disappointment I have out of this...

Seeing stars...

Today is not a good day for me. Sadness got snowballed towards end of the day.

But I will be better. I will get better.

Things at my end are getting better. I sincerely hope that yours will too.

I think I can get used to the idea of being alone and living on my own. Although I do whine about how pathetic it is to have dinner on my own =p, to some extend I do enjoy this peacefulness...no expectations, no disappointment, no tears...

On a side note, I wanna join the winter fest madi gras too!!! boo hoo...so envious...I have always wanted to be part of the madi gras celebration!!! so proud of you my dear girl! hehe

Have I always been such a person to you?

I felt like a good-for-nothing after reading those words. Even till now.

Choices that I've made are always the easy way out? All these years I have been stalling time, waiting to take the easiest paths?

To a certain extend it's true, if not I won't be in this state. That was the easiest way out I took. Another one would have been jumping off the ledge that very night when I felt that I could no longer handle my emotions on my own.

I haven't quite redeemed myself despite having to face kids every single day of my wake time. I haven't quite taken the advice from the professional who suggested that I should perhaps consider changing my job.

I didn't go for it. I am not ready to say good-bye.

Since feb...

My phone has been on silent mode for the longest time ever...since the night in which my mobile rang non-stop, I didn't dare to put the ringtone back...even till now...

I didn't want to talk to her, I won't know what to say except kept quiet...I don't have the right to say anything...that's the point...

Till today I wonder why I didn't tell her exactly what had happened...

I should have made you go through what I have gone through and still am going through...

Even then, you will never know the full extend...cos what you have will always be there, whereas mine will never be...

Crashing once again...

I'm not okie...

I said I am but I seriously am not...

You will never know the tears I've had since Sept...the very first time I called you while breaking down horribly in the bus was the very first of the many many episodes...did you feel my pain?

You will never know the fear I had everytime when you told me they have been read...did you know I was literally scared?

You will never know the torment I went through while I handled the aftermath on my own...did you know I thought of the many beautiful things that I actually have the abilities to become?

You will never know the guilt I had in covering up for you...did you know I hate to lie?

You will never know how not okie I am at this very moment...did you know I was pretty much getting better before you called?

You took me as an easy ride...I've let you taken me as the easy ride...did you know I was foolish enough to take your words for real?

Did you know?

I told you so...

Track of my tears...

I am never quite a big fan of the American Idol, neither am I a fan of this Adam Lambert guy...

but version he sang...it's nice and soothing...and that tinge of sadness...woo...




Smoky Robinson

~What if a person had cried so much that til you get up close to them and look at their face, you could see the tears and the tracks on their face~

It's done...

everything in one...

not alot but enough...

yup...enough...

I miss...

you...

who once had such lovely smile and sunshine character,

who once so daring and opened to experience in life,

who once dared to really love and not afraid to hate those who did not deserve your love,

who once dipped into depression but emerged stronger,

who once was never as self centred as now,

who once was able to give so much more to friends around than ever,

where have you been all these while? when did I lose the sight of you and lost you completely?

how could I have allowed myself to lose you in the first place.

I think I lost you since last Sept...

I want you back...can you pls come back?

Resentment...

I wish I could believe you then I'll be alright
But now everything you told me really don't apply
To the way I feel inside
Loving you was easy once upon a time
But now my suspicions of you have multiplied
And it's all because you lied

[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven't tried to forget this
But I'm much too full of resentment

Just can't seem to get over the way you hurt me
Don't know how you gave another who didn't mean a thing, no
The very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive you and I know you've changed
As much as I wanna trust you I know it ain't the same
And it's all because you lied

[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven't tried to forget this
But I'm much too full of resentment

I may never understand why
I'm doing the best that I can and I
I tried and I tried to forget this
I'm much too full of resentment

I'll always remember feeling like I was no good
Like I couldn't do it for you like your mistress could
And it's all because you lied

[Bridge:]
Loved you more than ever
More than my own life
The best part of me I gave you
It was sacrificed
And it's all because you lied

[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I tried and I tried to forget this
But I'm too damn full of resentment

I know she was attractive but I was here first
Been ridin' with you for six years why did I deserve
To be treated this way by you, you
I know your probably thinking what's up with Bee
I been crying for too long what did you do to me
I used to be so strong but now you took my soul
I'm crying cant stop crying cant stop crying
You could of told me that you wasn't happy
I know you didn't wanna hurt me
But look what you done-done to me now
I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she's had half of me
How could you lie

upset...

It's been a week...that I've been so tired after work and really really sleepy...but when I do have the chance to sleep, I can't sleep at all.

So many things happened this week, in fact it should be since I'm back...I feel like screaming...I feel like crying my heart out...but what's the point...

After all that have happened, I'm still deemed as a whiner, a bitch, someone who drove another up the wall and to the point of breaking down...

You need someone to blame all the fault upon, there's jayna...

You need someone to act as the punching bag, there's jayna...

You need someone to run errands and do shit work for you, there's jayna...

At the end of the day, I'm still dispensable...just words of 'I can't take it anymore' and I'm chucked aside like a toy which is no longer attractive or interesting to the child...

You are right...I'm that puzzle piece...only difference is...I dun fit in at all..

Nostalgia...

Gladys bought me a rose..

Ally made me a collage topped with a cross stitch as an add on pressie for me...

Amanda made another cross stitch with my 'J' on top of the pressie she gave me...

Leonard bought me Duffy CD and shared with Sel and Marcel in the 'Sex n the City' Dvds...

Marcel brought me out for dinner and gave me a book with CDs of shows he burnt for me...

Sweet sweet peeps who made my life in Melbourne so wonderful...I'm just so touched that they put in the effort to even get me pressie, let alone made me one when all were busy with assignment deadlines...

So thankful to have them with me all these while...

But at quiet time like this...I suddenly feel all alone again...I think I fear ppl back home have forgotten about me...Very thick skin~ly, I msged ppl I'm close to, reminding them of my birthday and to wish me so that I wont be disappointed...

Pathetic...maybe...but at least I'm happy when I receive msg from them after all the promptings...

Seriously, am I asking too much?

blisters...

Bought a pair of new heels, wore them, ended up with blisters that gave me open wound. I thought I could bare with the pain and continue my day. I couldn't. Ended up getting another pair to free myself from the agony. Not that my threshold of pain went down but when the wounds start whoozing blood and fluid, one has no choice but to give up and find alternatives.

And no, plasters didn't work. I ain't dumb. Bought a box of plasters, used up almost half of them, kept changing them whenever they came off, tried different ways of sticking them and it still didn't work. That's when I decided to give up. Yes, only when the wound started to get worst and whoozed blood.

It's always the case...

I did try my best to hold on to it, tried to make it work, tried to stretch my threshold...

What did I get in return? Pain and agony...

Now I'm left with scars and potential phobia...

And in case you didn't notice...

It's back to haunt me...

Never let me go...

Been wanting to finish reading this book. Finally I did and it left me with tinge of sadness...

Sometimes things are just not meant to be right from the start. Despite the fact that everything else seems valid and substantial enough to support whatever idea one has...

the only thing that is left will be the memories in the past...

You know, things are never quite the same...those memories I have with you never quite left me yet...as much as I keep pushing them back whenever I get reminded of you, I still get those flashbacks...

I've lost faith...I reckon I've been a lousy player all along...I'll never be smart enough to win this game. So let's just say I quit...for, at the moment I have utterly no courage to venture near anyone who may have the chance to stir my feelings...for, I fear I'll get near someone like you...

I'll juz freeze it and make sure it'll never melt no matter how sweet some words are or how tempting it may be...

it's juz the way it is...

now it'll only be me, mysef and I

....and i can soo do with a drink or two right now...damn it...