Funny, kitty mentioned that we talk to you everyday. I guess she remembers it as she seems to see you on screen every time she comes back to punggol, which is every Sunday.

You asked her if she misses you, and she said yes, with that very sweet, sheepish smile on her face. It was really cute to see her expression. It was funnier to see her singing in front of the screen and asking you to 'wake up!'

I like how you connect with the kiddos and how they always laughed when they talked to you and called you 'funny uncle'...

I like how you made the effort to make me feel loved despite the distance...

I like how you would ask me to turn the screen to my parents just so you could say hi to them when we facetime...

I like how you fill me in with the details of your transition and the process of job changing...

I like how you asked for my opinions and try to work things around me...

I like how you always find time to drop me calls and msges every now and then to chat with me...even when you're loaded with tonnes of work...

I like how you secretly left msges in my phone which made me tear and miss you even more when I was on my flight back to Singapore...

I like how you made it possible to come back for good just so you can be physically here with me...

Road ahead will be slightly stressful with all the transitions and adjustments to be made...There and then, things may not be as rosy as we imagine them to be BUT I do hope that we will be able to move through the obstacles together with that goofy, silly nature in us and enjoy the process of being together without the distance in between!

Sometimes I wonder, am I expecting too much on my folks...esp my mum...

Expect my mum to say 'bye' before she hung up on me...

Expect her to know how to call up the eye clinic to ask the doctor about her eye meds...

Expect her to know how to use SAM machine and galaxy note after going through with her multiple times...

I dun know why am I putting so much emphasis on her learning all these new skills esp technology stuffs...I think when I was younger...she had never quite pushed me this way...expecting me to learn this and that...everything was at my own pace...

It's as though I'm preparing her for something...and sometimes I would think - what if one day I'm not around anymore, what if I were to live abroad again and brother is too busy to handle all these with her...at least she won't be too afraid to touch some of the gadgets or do some of the things on her own...

Or am I being too paranoid here? hmm...

Goodbye 2012...Hello 2013!

Was dead beat in December 2012. Working almost 6 days a week was quite taxing on my body. Yes, need to exercise more to make sure I dun fall ill so easily. I think a huge part of Dec, I was trying to rush through all the reports and trying to ensure a smooth transition on the various schedule of my kids before I went for my vacation. Was so tired most of the time that I dun want to go out on weekends but often or not I have gatherings since it's the festive season...

I'm glad I pulled through this school holidays, torturous but I did it anyway. I'm happy to see my Primary 6 kids graduating and advancing to secondary school. Happy to know they did well and able to move on to the next stage in life. As much as them having various difficulties in learning, they made it and I'm proud that they manage to!

Anyway, 2012 has been filled with ups and downs. The only constant is that I have my friends with me to back me up and point me to the right directions.  I am extremely grateful to have them with me all these while. Another constant is my job which I have been satisfied with. 

This year ended on a better note for me. I've finally found someone whom I can roll and grow along with. It's not about trying to fit myself in or to fit him in but someone whom I've always told fen that he's like my mirror image, the male version of me. I am really really happy to have him by my side...

I hope 2013 will be a better year for everyone...

There were so much going on for the past one week...happy happenings though!

No one has done this for me before...to tolerate the long flight, to go through such distance just so he could see me and spend time with me. Never have I had such a surprise before and it just made me feel so so happy.


Love the mornings that we had breakfast and coffee together before you sent me to work every day. Love the time spent with you and your family. Love to see you having fun with the kiddos. Love the thoughtful gifts you've bought for me...

This one week went by too fast...it was so tough to say goodbye at the airport today...and now I'm missing you really badly...

Thank you for being in my life pupz...

And here's the start of Dec 2012, last month of the year, busiest period for me....

Been down with viral fever or tonsillitis, whichever one it is, I burnt for 3 days no less...pretty torturous especially when I had a presentation to deliver and kids to see...managed to pull through the presentation but had to stay home the next day cos my temperature just kept going up...

It was horrendous being sick and trying to make my way home myself after work. I almost fainted in the human packed train despite being able to go home early on Wed night. I think Singapore is getting too crowded...boo...

Anyway am happy to be feeling better now!

Someone made me a happy girl with a bouquet of roses on the first day of dec! Love them! =)

my kitty girl...

Love it when you sat by me and talked to me throughout my lunch. I missed you for the past one week!

I like how we can talk about anything, not necessary logical stuffs but it has always been fun to talk randomly with you and you always laugh at mine or your silly words or silly talks.

I hope you are as happy talking to me as I am to you, little kitty...

Love is...

when your pal took his shoes off just so you could wear them as your old sandals broke...

when your pal worked till 1am and still remembered to look for a spare phone to lend, not to you but your mama...despite being all alone in the office...

when both crazy boys called and asked the closing time of the pharmacy and ran with you (or rather ahead of you) just so to catch the pharmacist to solve the mystery sausage lip that I was having...

really really blessed to have them in my life!

Twist and turn...

Alot of things happened since the end October. Alot of things...and how things unfold themselves...it's just puzzling...

It may not be tasteful to everyone's liking but to me, it all make so much sense now - how things happened, how things turned out and how they all lay out one after another...leading to what is it now...

There has never been so much clarity and positivity despite the physical distance...

No one knows how the future will be like but for now...I am happy =)

Neither happy nor sad...

Numbed...

I thought as a couple, we should bring out the best of each other. At the rate we are going, it doesn't look too promising.

I need someone to roll along with me. I have been trying my best to roll along according to your pace, perhaps it's just not enough. And with that single event that happened, it over ruled everything else.

I dun tolerate being hurled with sarcasm and hurtful words. I have been put down before by another party, I dun need to experience that once more. It was a nightmare.

I know you dun have to go through what I put forth to you either. That was your nightmare.

Perhaps we should both end one another's nightmare and get back to the routine we know best.

Was a complete mess on Sat night. Had dinner, squash and went back home to rest. It was a good evening.

Was just watching tv, sipping my whites and I just started to break down. Couldn't quite stop crying. Time like this made me feel utterly foolish and pathetic. There's no reason for me to feel this upset. I have my job, I have my friends,  I have someone who loves me.

This pms thingy is such a pain in the arse...maybe time for me to get some hormonal pills...

I have been on hibernation mode over the weekends. Not sure why the exhaustion overtook me and despite sleeping in then, it didn't seem to quite help.

Need to plan for a getaway trip soon. This entire year, cooping in Singapore is just making me fidgety and edgy. I need to get out...soon...

Checking on air ticket to London...looks like Emirates has the cheapest deal...Just thinking how long should I stay there for...

I think I'm going to miss my travelling kaki...Am more than happy that I am replaced by her significant half...hehe...I bet he won't be half as entertaining as me =p At least no one to irritate her with nonsensical singing and requesting for frequent coffee breaks to recharge the often lethargic me...

Have never travelled far enough with someone else apart from her. Perhaps time for me to venture out on my own =)

I can't help but feel frustrated when I heard about the news. It's like a mixed feelings - on one hand glad that you are doing well with your career, on the other felt like a dumb arse for not cutting loose as early as a year ago. 

You are now officially having your dream come true - having both the career and seeing the girl that you like...

I felt that I had wasted my one year or more on you...Everything should have come to a stop when I found out you were no longer as into me while you were actually with me...

Felt like a dumb arse for giving those chances and trying to make things work when ultimately I should have ended it there and then...

I am more angry with myself for letting me get into such situation when I should have known better to run the opposite direction. How could I have allowed myself to be strung along for so long? 

Sigh...whatever it is, I wish you the best. Pls treat the next girl right. 

And I hope our paths will not cross anymore.

And so...another pal of mine is going through heartaches. It's tough to be watching one going through the heartbreaking moments and yet, all you can do is to tell them you'll be here to support. Exactly what kinda support can I give, apart from the occasional listening and reaffirmation of their feelings.

I wish they can be happier. I wish they can get out of the pit and emerge a better and happier person. I wish I can alleviate the pain that they have. 

I tried to ask myself, if I am in their positions, what would I have done? How would I have gone about dealing with this kind of situations? With such understanding, how can I talk to them so that they can be relieved from the pain they are experiencing now? Problem is, I dun know how and what else to say that can make them feel better except to be there and just listen. Ultimately, I am not involved and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it...sigh...

I still want someone to run along with me in marathons.

I still want someone who can motivate me and push me along when I am sluggish or out of sort.

I still want someone whom I can travel the world with.

I still want someone who can reassure me even when I throw the most ridiculous questions/doubts about the r/s we have. Yes, I am a paranoid bitch.

I still want someone to tell me he loves me even when he knows I am in the wrong.

I am starting to doubt myself, if I am capable of finding that someone or even be that person's someone.

Felt like I have been sick for the longest time ever. It pretty much took me a week to recover fully from this flu. Coupled with cramps, it just topped the suffering level to the max.

Was reading past messages, got me realized how much I dun want to be that person ever again. Got me thinking, am I even suitable to be in a relationship? Is it the case of wrong timing wrong person or that I am simply not built to be a good partner?

I'm glad that I have moved forward and I am happy where I am now...time to make new plans ahead =)

thinking about thinking...

It has been great few days of not working and purely just planning my days to chill and meeting up with frens whom I haven't gotten in touch for a very long time.

The conversation I had with Nik babe was just so thought provoking that, it's still pounding in my head...

Have I been hung up with the materials in my life and being so comfortable in where I am right now, that I let it pull me back from what I set to do when I was younger. I know it's the fear of the uncertainties, the fear of getting out of my comfort zone and the fear that if I were to go forth what I set to do, I would end up suffering in my ripe old age...

There will never be a right time to do what we wanna do, isn't it?

It's never easy to lose someone so close to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can see you are trying your very best to hold up a brave front. It aches to see your mum trying her best to put up with the on going event. Sigh...

Be strong, my dear. We are here to support you.

Tiring monday but i love it!

Never have I had such eventful weekends!

So good to see mister T in town this week...been the longest time since I last saw him...miss him actually but I know someone misses him more than I do (he even got jealous when mister T gave me a big hug =p)

Anyway, I hope you guys didnt feel like vomiting for having to see me three days in a row...haha...love the time spent with you guys...muack muack!

As for today...I went to collect my passport...then went to 'the plain' for breakfast and coffee...walked around with mister T and gage...then went to catch a movie with nikki and christine before having dinner with them...

dead tired now...but definitely happy...

yippe~ someone is coming home! yeah!

Do I look like a convenient store?

Case no. 1
Just because you are lazy to add one more payee in your internet banking, doesn't mean I have to be the middle man to do the transferring for you.

If you say you aint that close to that person and not convenient to add the payee, I can understand. But your reason was that you're lazy to do it. Do I look like I have all the time in the world to do this then?

Case no. 2
Granted that you have no clue what to get for your eldest grandson for his bday pressie. You said you are busy and dun have time to get birthday present for him cos morning you have to go for exercises and evening you have to fetch kitty and ben ben (on alternate days) .

I am clueless about what to get for Auggy as well and I am dead beat after work to even wanna go toys stores. But for his sake, I will try. I just hate it that you dun even want to try.

Exactly do I look like I'm a convenient store, easy access to everyone who just want an easy way out?

Wonder, why am I working so hard for? For better life in future or so that when I'm old, I dun have to worry about my finances should I end up being all alone...

Feeling alittle down at the moment, which I dun even know why. I was quite alright the entire day. Just feel like a deflated balloon at the moment, moving through each day as it is...sigh...

I need a getaway. I need something to look forward to. Feel so drained from work and stuffs.

I think I kind of sabotaged myself by signing up for marathon again this year. Well, at least something for me to look forward to and something to keep me occupied. I really need to get rid of that flubber of mine.

I am looking forward to you coming back too...

I am not a cold hearted bitch. I am sorry for ignoring your msges but if I reply you everytime you msg me, you'll probably think that everything is back to normal, that there will be a chance for us to get back together.

We can probably be friends. Afterall, we've been friends for 10 years...Perhaps in years to come, this is possible...

I want you to be happy...hope you'll be happy eventually...

Had so much fun during Kali sessions. So far, it's been pretty interesting learning this form of martial art. Really have to thank my colleague for introducing it to us.

It's been four years since I joined my company.

It's been four years....

I almost forgotten the year and how long it has been. 2008...when everything happened for a reason and how hard it had been...

Till now, I dun know how I got past it...going through what I had to go through...pretty much on my own and trying to keep my sanity all at the same time...

Here I am...still standing...I am doing pretty alright...aren't I?

Finally, the June hols is over! I can finally sleep in after a month of working 6 days per week.

Also, finally done with Ally's wedding! Omg, I think I am too old for this 'jie mei' thingy. Dun know was it my age or that I have become so pampered. I was so so so exhausted through the day that all I could think of was shower time and getting my emcee job done! The weather was too freaking hot! Bravo to the bride and groom for enduring the sun and taking pics under the scorching heat!

I think my body just totally shut off at the end of the day, giving me the finale - fever at 38 degrees and making me feel cold at such warm weather that I didn't even switch on my air condition.

Love the wedding by the way...it was so tastefully arranged and done by the couples. New chapter ahead babe...blissful marriage!

Once again, stunned by my blonde moment...

It was hilarious, to have my mum barged in like that and saw me talking via FaceTime...

I really thought I have locked the door...perhaps was too excited that I have finally gotten the dress and that I could finally talk to you...

Couldn't help laughing...sweet but facepalm moment too :p

I think someone up there is trying to test me (or play a trick on me)...to see exactly how much I can take or go through before I start to show any sign that I may break...I am human too you know...why can't my life be simpler?

Why is this so tough? It shouldn't be this tough ain't it? If it's so tough to begin with, does it mean it is not meant to be in the first place?

Fucking restless...back to square one where I seek solace in my run and the quiet corner at the back of my house...

I think ultimately, it's just my luck...I've always had shit luck...

I wonder how long can I be physically n mentally strong for myself and my family...

Wish I'm a guy...at least I won't be subjected to the mental weakness...to a certain extend...

I must have done some wrong doings in my last life somehow...urgh...

Something to keep me going...

Almost teared when I read the email. Touched, very very very touched...

I have never quite felt this hard saying goodbye to any of my kids when I discharged them or that they stopped for OT for whatever reasons.

This boy was such a lovely kid that I really feel for him and hope the very best for him from the bottom of my heart. Never have I come across a kid who has his amount of issues, yet is so humble and genuine in person. He has been so compliant and never once fussed when I got him to do any tasks. It was such a great joy interacting with him. I assessed him in Feb and he has to head back home for good in June. The relocation came with such short notice.

Almost wanna cry when I gave him a goodbye hug =(

Wish I could have longer treatment time with him and see him through the process of being better in what he has problem in...

I didn't know he actually enjoyed coming to see me that he would turn down any events or invitations that fell on the time slot that he usually came to see me...Am truly truly touched...

Thank you for the effort kiddo...Will really miss you!

Hell month

Sat night was absolutely great! Enjoyed every min spent and the jokes we made at each other. Always felt blessed to have you guys by my side. Kept me sane to a huge extend...

Sun was pay back time for sleep deprivation....woke up intermittently to play with the kids...pacify or bring them down for a ride...

Slept with a headache, woke up with one...woke up at 3,5 and 6 am was really frustrating...dad ain't helping when what he did is provoking instead or pacifying my whiny niece...I ended up getting the criticism of sleeping my entire Sunday off and still feeling tired...and not helping...sigh...

Btw you have no idea how much it meant to me for you to listen to my rantings...thank you so much!

I am still laughing at the lame stuffs you told me...happy for you my dear friend =p

I do have high hopes of you getting married and giving birth to tonnes of kids who will eventually call me kai ma! hehehehe....

Hell month is June. School hols means I have to go back to see kids during my off days as well. Not that I want to earn more money during this month but I genuinely have kids who need the intensive and who else to fill in the gap but me if that is to say I have to sacrifice my rest time. Not trying to be noble here but I just want them to be better in what they do and see them through these tough time esp those having PSLE.

I will frequent the starbucks very often or maybe not too much cos one of my kids calculated the amount for me and actually yelled at me to not spend such money on coffee...can you imagine, my 11 yo telling me that! I'm really proud of her actually...haha...

Sigh...hope this month will end soon!

I just feel like screaming. Just scream and scream till I'm out of breath and exhausted.

I'm tired. First you gave my mobile to a government surveyor and expect ME to handle all those fucking qn. Have you thought how worn out I have been after a day of work?

Then you load me with all those hospitalization bills qn. You expect ME to handle them yet kept doubting me and wanting me to verify with bro. If you dun think I can handle it, I am more than willing to pass it on to your great son who, from what I know, hasn't gotten a clue on the hospitalization procedures either.

I am fucking tired! Can you pls leave me alone?! Just for one fucking night!

I think I have come to a stage where I will not hesitate to write people off from my life. People who have hurt me, people who have wasted my time, people who did not appreciate me for who I am...

I have a better life ahead being freed from all these...If you cannot keep up, I am sorry...I really have no space for nonsense and unappreciative pricks...

I am sure I have been written off from others' lives as well...I have come to terms with that...I'll rather move on, focus on my life and try to better myself in every ways...

Life goes on...

Mind boggling day(s)....

~Thursday~
Mom gotten admitted to hospital due to irregular heartbeat...Rushed down to A&E after work to keep her company while waiting for her bed in the ward to be ready. Bought her noodle soup as she was complaining how sucky hospital food was....

I think the only consolation was that I got to talk to the cute A&E doc, who definitely looked younger than I am.

It was only until 10pm plus, that the admission was done and she was able to rest and I was able to go home...I just crashed the moment I got home...

~Friday~
Rushed down to hospital again after work, kept mom company till 8pm plus 9pm. Funny how much we could gossip while in the hospital. Talked about the doctors, nurses and patients from other beds...

The Ex actually came down to hospital to look for me. It was good to see him after a month or so. I do appreciate him making his way down. But I dun think it is possible for us to get back to where we were. I took this one month to find myself and to understand what ultimately ticks in my life. We talked. I felt like the meanest bitch ever and yet at the same time feeling so so tired from all these things that were happening around me...

Gotten home at around 11plus...all I wanted to do was to sleep...

~Saturday~
Went to see mom again after work, bought her some food again cos she absolutely hated the hospital food. Then had dinner and coffee with yd. Appreciate him making his way down to spend time with me. I needed it. The talk we had was great. Enlightened me so so much, just love talking to him.

~Sunday~
Mom called to say she can be discharged. Took a bus down to settle the discharge procedures and hospitalization fees for her. Before that, had some not-so-nice exchange of conversation with my dad. Sigh, sometimes it just put me to think - why am I putting in so much effort to prove myself all these years.

I just simply crashed and slept the entire noon once I got my mum home.

Not that I mind but sometimes I wonder, did my brother get away with all these because he has his own family. Just because I am single, I was thrown with these responsibilities of making the decisions for my mum, talking to the doctors, visiting her every day, settling the admission and discharge stuffs. He was not available throughout the entire process.

I can so foresee myself, handling my parents on my own when they get even older. Why am I always the one doing more but least appreciated by others. Sigh....

I like how my lifestyle is currently. Carefree, single and having fun on my own.

I dun need to revolve my time around anyone else except myself and perhaps a few really good pals who are closed to me...

I think whatever that is needed to be done, should have been done a year ago or even half a year ago. Did you think that I am willing to wait aimlessly? Did you think that I will never leave? I felt as though all these while, you think that whatever I said was a joke and was never taken seriously until I am determined to leave. I dun know what else to say except that I dun think I can bring myself to go back to where it started. I dun want to be unhappy because I am being dragged along.

Perhaps leaving it as it is, will be the better ending to this story that once belong to us...

Big 3 O!

Happy Birthday to me!

Today was self pampering day. Did my hair and went to have coffee with my pals. My favourite people =)

To be frank, I almost teared when you told me so firmly that you believed there will be someone out there who is worthy of me. Honey, those words meant so so much to me.

Thankful to have my friends who really love me for who I am.

Things will only get better...time to roll on! 30 is the new 20!

Thank you for the lovely sunflowers. You didn't leave your name.

I wonder if it is you. If it is, thank you for the lovely surprise. Dun think alot of people know I like sunflowers. They really brightened my day.

Actually till now I have no clue who sent the flowers to my workplace. The first person I thought of was you. You've bought me roses from the same florist ages back, I remember that.

And the first bouquet of flowers you sent to my office was sunflower as well. It was pretty big bouquet though the wrapping/packaging was alittle crappy and old fashioned...I think we burst out laughing when I showed you how the bouquet looked like.

If it were you who sent the flowers to me, thank you so much and I really appreciate you remembering my birthday and giving me this surprise =)

I've finally framed my poster up! Still procrastinating on buying the shelf and clearing my room. Will probably do that during my off days this week. Can't wait!

Clearing clutters one at a time. Dragged too long, they clogged up my life eventually. I kinda like moving forward. I do feel happier especially lately. Just feel lighter, less things to worry about, less things to upset me, more time to focus on myself and think of what really will make me happy. Maybe I'm really not suitable to be in a relationship cos I always ended up losing myself and ended up unhappy. Maybe guys I have met are ultimately not suitable afterall. Sigh, just my luck or that I am just not smart enough to open my eyes and get someone better.

O well...life is as such...what can I say...everything happened for a reason...just got to learn to take it in my stride...

I dun mind dying young. Seriously I dun mind.

I have done crazy things in life, I have lovely people in my life. I have loved and have been loved by wonderful people. Perhaps the one and only regret I have will remain as that but then again, I have kind of gone through what it is like to have a kid with the nature of my job and my brother's kids.

If I were to die young, I'm okay with that.

Finally managed to clear my reports and now it's back to sending emails and updating parents. I think I prefer doing that than type reports :p

A friend of mine asked since when I dun like to chat over the phone. I'm not 15 yo anymore where I like to yak all day long on the phone. I talked all day, to the kids and the parents. When I get home, I just want to keep my mouth shut and not yak so much. I think if you were closed to me enough over these years, you would have noticed that I dun really like to talk over the phone anymore. You disappeared intermittently and when you appeared you threw all the questions, asking me this and that; digging here and there. What was the purpose of you doing that? I dun think I need to answer to you, you know. And I am still as disappointed that you have not been upfront with me all these years.

Am pretty happy these few days. Been having fun squash sessions albeit always getting injuries here and there. Haven't had so much running for a long time. Think I need to get court shoes soon!

Next week will be my birthday! Excited!

Intended presents for self:
- Driving license (got it!)
- Satchel Bag (still eyeing at one...)
- La Mer eye concentrate (still thinking...)
- New hairdo
- Adele's concert DVD

Just wanna be with my loved ones during birthday =)
Looking forward to it!

I wonder if you still think about me as strongly after all these weeks.

If feelings are bound to diminish as time passed, why do I miss you even more now?

Maybe my reactions are too slow to respond. Or I need to distract myself more. I kind of gotten used to not hearing from you but at the same time still wondering how have you been all these while. Have you gotten used to not having me in your life?

May day, public holiday, rest day.

I used to spend such day with you. Sigh. But hey, life move on doesn't it?

Today, I just stayed home the entire day, finish up with whatever I need to do, mainly reports. Spent time with kitty, bugging her and appeasing her, reading her books and watching hi-5 with her. It has been one of those days that I did not step out of house at all. Not even to the punggol plaza. Save alot of money I would say. Okay...maybe not cos I did online shopping, literally burn a hole in my pocket. Think I'm addicted to it. Yikes!

I think I'm slowly getting to used to this, being on my own, entertaining myself, keeping myself occupied. Guess at the rate I'm going, I cannot live without internet for sure. I should start picking up my books once more!

I hope you'll find the strength to move forward. Be it pursue your dream or anything that can make yourself happier. Perhaps start counting your blessings cos you have your family and lovely friends around you =)


~1.38am~

Sigh...who am I kidding, today made me miss what we used to have. I miss us snuggling in bed during the rainy day. I miss us wasting time together just because we were too lazy to go out. I miss your bad singing. I dozed off in the noon and I heard myself snored! And I missed telling you that I heard myself snored. I missed drooling on you and seeing your disgusted face. I miss having you beside me.

Sigh and yes, I finally cried...

New road hazard coming your way!

I did it! Finally passed the driving test and got my license after all these years! Yippee!

What touched me the most was my dear instructor. Not the fat and sarcastic one (still have to thank him for his guidance and patience though :p). This particular instructor taught me in the midst of my lessons as my previous good instructor gotten pulled out of the team due to medical condition.

He's a very funny man who joked, guided and looked out for me, pretty much like a dad. True that I am a consumer and it is only right for him to do all these but I have never thought he would go that extra mile for me. I am, afterall, just one of his many many students.

I kinda whined and complained to him about how the first test, I was all turned off by the fact that I was given old car instead of my usual training car for the practical test. If I am a good driver, new or old car should not affect my performance. But I've paid so much and for me to make such adjustment within such as short time frame, I was just pissed. And I just couldn't perform with this mental barrier.

Anyway, this test, I didn't tell anyone at all. No one knew. I just refused to say anything. Not even to my buddies. Went for the test as per usual, psyching myself up that I would be tested using the old Toyota.

I was surprised to see my instructor at the car poach, telling me I would be using my training car 288. Even more surprised to find out later on, that he made a one-to-one exchange, just so that I could have that car for the test. This mean that he had to use the old car for at least 3-4 other students' lessons in that afternoon. He did it on his own accord. Which really touched me. I seriously would not have thought that he would do that for me. So loved!

Pretty happy that I got to thank him personally thereafter. 10 demerit points -No mount curb this time round; got one nice taxi uncle gave way to me for me to over take, managed to lane change with all the cars voom voom passed. O plus the fact that, according to my instructor, my tester was supposed to be one who is very strict and let ppl pass so easily. I think I'm pretty lucky to have passed...heehee...

Now...who shall I terrorize to let me drive their cars...fen? yd? ck? sze?...onz? Muah haha..

The thought just came from nowhere.

Thought about how we started. It was sweet. We used to spend so much time together. I dun even remember ever being awkward when I was with you. Everything was just so comfortable and natural.

I remembered you used to kneel by my bedside and talked to me for hours before kissing me on the forehead, said goodnight and went to sleep on the mattress on the floor. I used to think, aint your knees painful, having knelt for so long. But you never once complained and we just talked and talked and talked...

It was sweet, really sweet. And I miss that and I miss you...sigh...

Cant sleep...brrr....

I saw a couple with their baby girl today while on my way to work. I think I saw them before, during our Bintan trip. Very cute little girl with quite big size but very funny parents.

Then I thought about the trip itself, how fun it was albeit it being a brief one. I thought of the buggy ride too. And I smiled. Cos it was the most hilarious ride ever, with me driving us into the bushes, uprooted some of the bushes, almost crashing into the big drain. I remembered I couldn't stop laughing despite the accident. I just couldn't stop. You were really shocked at first, almost wanting to scream at me for my reckless driving. But you ended up laughing with me. And we had to stop somewhere for me to get down cos I was laughing so darn hard. You didn't dare to let me drive the buggy anymore after that.

And because I crashed the buggy into the shrubs, little leaves and flowers dropped everywhere onto our seats. Bits of your pants were stained by the flowers, purple colour. And I started laughing again.

It was fun. It was good memory too. I still smile when I thought about it...

Back off...

The last thing I need to hear, is from others who act upon your telling that I need to be taken care of and be given support. I think you have once again, stepped over the boundary.

I seek for support from others on my own accord, I seek for support from people who are close to me. There are reasons why I only told certain people about certain things.

Dun come mother me as though I am all vulnerable, just because you happened to read my blog. I dun need that. I seriously just want a peace of mind. So please...back off...

Appreciate your concerns but I think things should just remain as it is...I have said it once, I am gonna say it again, I do not want to complicate anything, so let's just be colleagues and possibly friends, if you can understand the boundaries.

Seriously not feeling well. Head feels like a tonne of weight. Despite sleep and rest, I still feel like shit! Sigh, hope the medication works.

Actually not too long ago, I met up with banker over an impromptu lunch. For my close pals, I think they will be getting ready to hit me hard on the head, questioning: how is it that you can still meet up with the jerk who hurt and torn you into million pieces...why on earth do you do that?!

I would want to think that deep down everyone's heart, there is always some goodness in him/her, despite whatever nasty things they have done in the past. I believe banker is one as well. I think part of him does feel guilty towards me, hence the occasional cordial msges and calls.

I know he has been calling me, it happened since beginning of the year. Each time, the calls were just missed calls. I didn't call back as I know, if it's important, he would contact me again. Anyway, a few Fridays ago, I was on my way back from the school to office. I was just checking my phone and his number appeared yet again.

Answered his call and we fixed the lunch right there and then. He picked me up at Bishan and we went to have chicken rice for lunch. Simple as that.

Nothing changed. He was still the same old banker, foul mouth at times, trying to be funny and no doubt cordial. No funny stunts, nothing. I did accidentally scratch his Volkawagen car while opening the door as it was too near the pillar (so much win, I tell ya! Though the scratch was barely visible). Anyway, he grumbled, I told him to shut up, stop being a whiner and let's head for lunch.

It's funny, how life turned out. Seeing him after so many years, just makes me see with such clarity - that he's everything that I do not want in my boyfriend or husband. I have absolutely no clue how I could stick with him for such a long time. Perhaps that's why friends around me were all so frustrated with me back then.

He called me again on that Sunday, and then again on Monday. Both were missed calls. Last weekend, I decided to send him a msg:

Hey, I know you've been trying to call me a few times. The impromptu lunch we had the other day was great. Kinda give me a proper closure somehow. I dun think I can bring myself to remain in contact with you anymore. Seeing you just reminded me of that past event that I had. I dun loathe you but there's never a day I dun think about it over the past years and seeing you just make it worse. I hope you understand. Wish you well. Take care.

And that's that. It took me this long to initiate this without any feeling - no guilt, no sadness, nothing. And it took me this long to finally close this chapter for good.

It's a good feeling somehow and I'm very glad that I made it this far =)

The cold hard bitch...

Sigh, I feel exactly like one right now.

When I said about the no contact break for a month, did you think I dun mean it at all? Or are you trying to make me feel guilty - that I'm the cruel one who is playing mind games with you by not answering or replying your messages and calls?

I am not playing mind games or having any tricks up my sleeves. I am genuinely tired. I really just want to be on my own for this period of time to think things through. Who in the right mind will initiate such thing if she/he is happy in a relationship, knowing that it will work out well? At the moment, I just dun see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Running a fever right now, sigh...perhaps I have over worked my body...hopefully I will be fine by Tuesday...

I have more to tell but my head is bursting...shall stop and give it some rest...

Mom's logic 101 made me blew my top!

I'm tired, I'm not feeling well. You saw my shoes in the house, keys on the table, my room locked, and you did guess correctly that I'm home. Then why the fuck would you still stand in front of my door, tried my door handle and then asked if I'm home?! I have never gone out without keys. I dun lock my doors unless i'm IN the room or that the kiddos are around and I dun want then to mess up my room. And you know that!

So tell me...am I wrong to scream at you for your actions?! You freaking woke me up when all I wanted to do was to sleep. I ended up not able to sleep till NOW! Urgh...I dun understand why you still carry on with your actions when you already know the obvious answer!

On a side note, thank you yk and yd for cheering me up. The conversation we had was so hilarious. Totally made my day! At least I dun feel so much pain after getting hit by my kid at my brown bone. I pretty much heard a loud sound when he hit my head, I dun know did it come from my specs or may be my skull cracked hence the sound. Exaggerating, yes. But I did hear a sound. I could even feel that portion turning red and feeling hot. My kid just looked at me, slightly distressed but carried on with his climbing without a big deal. OMG, their heads are really made of steel...

One another side note, seriously, I dun know what will come out of this one month. I just know I want to be alone and I'm dealing alright with it. I realised, I dun know how to love another person anymore, it's just too much effort and too tiring. I think I have reached my quota, need to clear my system somehow. De cluttering in progress....

Sometimes I wonder, had I not put enough effort in the relationship. I would want to believe I had. I think when it got started, I put in alot of effort. So much so that I over indulged the other party. So much so that I was taken for granted over so many things, over so many occasions.

Along the way, I learnt. I learnt not to give in so much. I learnt to take back what I have given in. I learnt to not take so much things to heart. I learnt to take the backseat and just watch it go along. Eventually it just went the path of a downward spiral. From the initial disappointment to getting unmotivated. It was actually quite a long way. For me at least.

I think at this point of time, there is nothing you can do. Even if you continue to put in effort ie. texting me despite me not returning any of the text. I dun think anything can change what is happening now. This continual of effort should have been put in a year ago. Not now, when everything has crumbled. For me to reach the stage of not having the urge to reply your msges, not feeling upset when I see your msges, it means alot.

I really have to count my blessing, that despite going through such failure in relationship, I have wonderful friends, colleagues, a career and great work evironment to back me up and support me. I think perhaps that's why I am in this line, it's a sign and I'm glad. I think to a huge extend, the kids I see are actually treating me instead of me treating them. They cheered me up tonnes over and over again and they never fail to make me laugh (though sometime they make my blood boil at times too).

No motivation. I need to start on my reports and finish them. I need to start feeling things again.

Am neither happy nor sad. It's the worst ever to feel like an empty shell.

I think I kinda picked myself up somewhere somehow. Now I need to do things to make myself even happier. Need to love myself even more. I do deserve better. If you cannot keep up then what can I say? I am really sorry. We all need to better ourselves in some way I guess.

It's not about not giving chances, sometimes things change, people change too. I dun want to compromise anymore. It shouldn't have needed to come to this point where I dun even feel sad to initiate being apart.

I probably will never get my love and belonging needs fulfilled in an intimate relationship but I am glad I still have friends to fall back on.

Sigh, what can I say except I guess...sometimes love just ain't enough....

Mood just went swooping down the hill...

I feel like disappearing for awhile and not do anything at all...

I think this is a sign of my yearly pre-birthday blues...it's starting really early this year....like a month early...omg...

I'm sorry but I didn't enjoy myself. It was supposed to be a date night but I guess everything started on the wrong note.

It rained, my shoes got soaked and they were wet through the entire night. I thought you would have come and fetched me from work but you didn't due to some glitches.

You said you were excited about the date night. I was too. I thought 'Hey, maybe you didn't come fetch me cos...you wanna surprise me with something' I thought of flowers. But nothing. Sigh.

I didn't mind catching something that I have already watched. I didn't even mind that we had seats that were higher up. I still enjoyed it. Until I saw you yawned. You started telling me, you couldn't see much except for the performers going around like stick figures. 'I guess what you pay is what you get?' 'But I'm a visual person!' 'Then next time get the $161 priced tickets!'

I dun know why but I just gotten really turned off and pretty snappy after that. It just made me think that, perhaps we are not suitable afterall. Dun get me wrong, I know you are putting the effort to make this work but there have been so many signs to say otherwise. I love plays, you dun seem to favour it. I would spend more money on things that I deem worth it but you would choose to spend less instead and then grumble after that.

Not sure is it my age or that I am indeed becoming more self centered and demanding. I thought that this date night could have been better. All I felt was, you having to appease me which wouldn't have been needed if you were to put in more effort in the first place. I think if you really want it bad enough, you would try harder? Perhaps you're too comfortable with how everything has been...

Ain't all these signs that say, it's time to stop and let's just be friends? Wouldn't it be good to just be apart and salvage what's left of it for friendship?

You know your parents are trying to appease you, when they bought your favourite fruits (in my case is the strawberries) and by talking to you about things that are related to your work...

26 June 2011

'....I dun think you have loved me enough to want to be with me in a long run. If you dun see a future in us, let me go and let me move on.....'

Marriage doesn't guarantee anything at all. I know that. I heard that phrase all the time. But to hear it from a friend? To have a friend actually going through the process just make it oh so real...

The person next to you can be hiding the darkest secret from you. The person whom you love so so much can be shoving that skeleton so deep in the closet, crossing fingers that you will never ever find out.

It just makes me wonder, why did this marriage even start in the first place? Why my friend, who has such great personality, has to go through such dramatic situations...

I cannot imagine myself going through it...I hope she will come out stronger...she deserves to be happy...really...

My oldest nephew has reached the age, whereby he's curious to know my age and whether I'm gonna get married.

Funny I get alot of such questions from kiddos around this age. Is it a developmental phase that they will go through? Maybe it is at this stage, that they get curious about the adults' world. But who in the first place gave them the idea that adults reaching a certain age will necessarily be on the path to getting married and having babies? It's like they dun even need to be taught and they naturally know these stuffs at such young age!

Anyway, am really glad to see auggy and ben ben today...I miss the two boys...Auggy never fails to crack me up with his silly face and antics, like dashing for the toilet the moment he got home cos he really need to poo...Ben ben is ever so sweet and gentle...sharing his candies with me...And of cos kitty, who scratched me on the arm and kept saying she didnt wanna play with me cos i'm naughty and that she doesnt like me but continued to stick to me and gave me tonnes of hugs...

I'm glad to have them in my life...I hope they are glad to have me in theirs too...

You're like the daughter I'll never have...

Once again, you've saved my day...giving me the hugs and the kisses that melt my heart and brought smiles to my face...

I envy you, your abundant happiness, innocence and energy...

I miss carrying you around like a baby but I am happy that you are old enough to come to me, hold my hand and pull me along...even if it's just to get me to reach for something you can't reach...I love it when you try to comb and tie my hair...even if it means losing a few strands of hair from your tugging and pulling...

I hope you'll forever be the bubbly cutie pie that I love to cuddle with...

Someday, you're gonna grow up like your brothers and eventually, playing with me may not be such a fun idea anymore...

I hope that day will not come so soon...for I'll be very lost...very very lost...

I.GIVE.UP

So tired of acting strong, putting up a brave front and being the mean person...

Pls spare me the agony and just back off...

You think I want and like to act the way I did? If I dun stand up for myself who will? If I dun be firmed this time round, there will never be an end to it. It's only wednesday and I'm still up at this hour bawling my eyes out...how am I gonna survive through the week?

I am so tired...so tired of waiting...so tired of hoping...so tired of being crushed and be disappointed...

I give up...there is no such thing as love, there is no such thing as destiny...

There's no wrong in choosing to be alone and be happy being alone...

Question is...why am I feeling all so miserable at this point of time?

I dun ever want to forget this...

Look forward. You dun need someone else to survive. If the other is not a compliment, it's just a deadweight anyway...

Better alone than be in misery...

I'm done...

Sigh

Perhaps I cared too much and I talked too much too...

Time to just shut up and mind my own business...

Feeling alittle jaded. Hence the need to occupy myself with different ideas n different things. Not the best thing to do but that's the only way I can learn to be on my own...

Perhaps it's time to leave, so that I can move on with my life...

You ever said to me, not to leave cos you'll still be here...but I was never part of your journey...with or without me, I'm pretty sure you'll be able to adapt to my absence eventually...

I dun think you will ever want me bad enough to really want to be with me...

Love spending time with kitty...it's just amazing how fast she grows...now she can converse with you and give you the cutest answer you could ever get from a kid! Really fun to talk to her nowadays.

She can be quite bossy sometimes, telling you with a straight face that you absolutely need to blow your soup before drinking it cos it's too hot. Telling you that she loves to eat the stem of the veg but not the leaves cos they are too squishy. Reasoning with you that she is hitting you becos there is another boy in class who hit her, and when asked if she reported that to the teacher, she said no but she was so angry that she hit the boy back and the boy hit her back on the hand again...told her she need to tell the teacher or at least defend herself...she just gave a 'mmm' answer as though she really get what I mean by the word defend.

Today, she turned to me and cheekily called me "mummy" and said "mummy, bao bao..." - telling me to carry her....when she knows I'm not her mum...it melts my heart...sigh...too bad she's not mine to keep

2012!!!

Japan was superb! It was nice albeit the chilly wind and the cold rash that I had. Love the culture and the peeps there. I never knew I would like Japan, it was not even the place that I intend to visit in these few years but I am really glad that I went for this trip!

Food was great! More in love with Jap food than ever before! Love the people there. So cultured and polite. Not to mention so helpful too! Will never forget the geeky cute guy who came up to us on his own accord just because we looked so lost in front of the big map! Although he was not fluent in English, he still tried to help us along with the information we needed. Man...If he were to tell me that he would bring us to the eating place that we were looking for, I would have gladly followed him without a doubt =p

Now that I am back home. Everything is back to normal again. I am starting to feel stuck again, which is ridiculously fast to have such 'withdrawal symptom'!

Time to plan for the next trip!

Aim for this month :
Finish up paying my loan once and for all!
Finalise my driving test date
Look up for overseas work/study information

Whoop Whoop!

Heading to Japan for Xmas and New Year!

I wanna meet handsome Japanese boys! Will be even better if I can meet any one of the members of SMAP! hahahaha...

For the coming year, please give me strength to end whatever I need to end and to start afresh. Things are starting to fade, which is good I think. I dun get angry as much, I dun mind things that happened or not happened as much. I am starting to focus on myself more, perhaps not good enough in terms of loving myself more but I am getting there.

I will try to love myself more for 2012. I have to love myself more!

Standard Chartered Marathon 2011

Yes! I did it!

I did the first marathon of my life! Leg-breaking event...totally!

Alot of things went through my mind during this gruesome 42km run. At certain points, I really wanna cry cos it was just so so so lonely to run-walk on my own without any one to pull me along or push me ahead. But I still made it.

If I can do this thing alone, I think I can do anything alone =)

Most miserable weekends ever...it wasn't even fever..it's just endless itch. So bad that I dun even have the appetite for dinner and just popped the pills and slept thru my Saturday night.

Come to think of it, I dun know how I managed to pull thru Sat with back to back schedule. It's was the most tiring day ever. I've never dreaded work more. The fight against the drowsiness of the anti-histamine was really challenging. I could literally feel when the effects of the drug happened and when it started to tapper off...

Never have I felt so down and alone, itching and watching tv alone in the dark living room, hoping for the meds to work and stop the outbreak. I guess that's how single hood feel afterall....you're sick, you take care of yourself or wallow in your misery till you recover and is well enough to find the fun you should have in life...and the cycle goes on...

Sunday was bad...I was still itching and craved for more rest. But I had to help my mom deal with the two kiddos at home. It felt like I'm working overtime. I adore my nephews and niece but it's time like this that I want someone else to be keep an eye on them just for that little while. I tried to manage them as much so that my mom could cook the meals. Not fun when I had to manage the whiny girl and the fidgety Auggy who kept squashing me, treating me as his judo buddy and making me itch even more. I felt like screaming at my brother for all these but I couldn't cos I know he was equally tied up and tired. But I couldnt help but think the arrangement could have been better on his side at least.

Sometimes I ask myself - why am I trying so hard when obviously no one is appreciating it.

Sigh...

Exhausted

Wednesday felt like a Saturday. It was packed to the brim, with 15 minutes of lunch break. I had to run for toilet breaks. I had to gobble down my breakfast in the morning and gobble down my lunch in 15. Had 3 coffees to keep myself up...Stayed up till 3 am trying to finish up my report.

Thursday was just as tiring. I have a new driving instructor now, though I'm still gonna miss the fatherly big belly instructor. So happy that this instructor is with 12 years teaching experience and able to point out my mistakes without sarcasms. Nice papa figure to talk to as well. Phew, so glad...

Ended the day with someone fetching me home despite being really tired. So so so touched. Appreciate the effort and the nice-to-see-you-though msg.

Gonna try to finish up my report and then peace out~

Sunday pls come soon....

From being very happy and enthusiastic in the morning to feeling tired and disappointed at night...this is not how I want my night to end...

Either I am borderline biopolar or that I am expecting the wrong thing from the wrong person yet again...

Love is...

Staying up at night to get the herbs cooked for your partner because she was running a fever...

Fetching your troublesome daughter to the doctor and having lunch with her...



I missed riding on daddy's bike. Sitting behind him made me realized how much he has aged. I missed spending time with him alone...

Pissed not because you nagged at me but because you're telling or rather complaining to me about something I didn't do and something I have been telling you guys to be careful about especially with the last fall you had. And now you're telling me we have a serious problem because the kiddos slipped and fell?!!

I have been telling you guys to get the non slip mats after you broke your wrist in the toilet while I was in Aussie, you refused to get it cos you felt it's unnecessary and troublesome. Now you come and tell me to do my freaking part to mop the floor after my shower?!

You know I always do my part at home - make sure the switches are off before I leave the house; mop the toilet floor after I shower so that none of you will slip...for the record I even made my ex mop the floor every single time after he showered!

I am pissed becos you guys like to wait till accident happen then do something about it and for this case - auggy and kitty slipped and fell in the toilet cos their dad forgotten to mop the floor after shower!!!

None of you wanna listened to me...what more do you want me to say?!! Urgh!!!

Cannot deny that I am a tad touched by your gestures...

The amount of effort and the level of attentiveness...

Thanx for letting me know that I'm still worth the time and energy...

Officially hate weddings....especially those that involve relatives...

It's a constant reminder of my age and my failure to sustain any of my relationships well enough to make it to the alter....

It sux...big time...

My only consolation is that I have my nephews and niece to tend to so that I dun have to be questioned by my aunts and uncles...at least not directly all the time...

It's funny how some of them dun even know my occupation but care enough to wanna know when I'm gonna get hitched...sigh....

I'll be better...I hope...eventually I will be...

I know I dun have the right to be angry with anyone except myself..cos I have been the one who made the choice for everything that has happened...

I'll be better...I promise...

I couldn't shake it off...

The jog was good...appreciate the talking and the company...

The ikea and giant shopping was good...i really had fun and laughed a lot as I goofed around...

Here I am, after two glasses of whites and still awake, asking myself why do I give in so much. Why do I have to be so nice as to plan and initiate the no-contact break in such a way that the other party will feel less of the pinch while being away having fun checking in places with the girl he had crush on...why did I even bother to partially sponsor the early bday pressie, knowing that the girl will probably be in most of the pics taken...

Why do I allow myself to be the one dealing with all these emotional turmoils...feeling angry, bitter and upset all in one...

Lie to me...

I hate it...

Hate it that you guys are on the long trip together, checking in this place and that...

Hate to find out that the girl is so much younger than me, runs better than me, and fucking has the same Chinese name as me...

Fucking hate it...Argh!

Goldfish eyes...

Cried myself to sleep last night...

I can't help it...dam broke...eventually...

Clearing up...

I thought my day was alright, apart from getting that irritating fat driving instructor who kept criticizing me from beginning till the end, it went pretty alright...

I decided to clear my room. I think I haven't really cleared the junks for quite a while. I found alot of cards that my friends sent to me over the years. Really cute stuffs! Some are letters from yd while he was having attachment in Thailand. I even found the books that I have my friends to leave messages on when we were Sec 4.

I threw the flowers away. Kind of a sting when I did that. But I had to. Then I realized, the cup that was made for me broke into pieces. I wanted to bring it to office to use it, now it's too late. I was really really upset when I saw it. It's like a sign. Sigh...I used glue to piece it back but I guess I can't use it for drinking anymore.

It's always like that isn't it...certain things just not up to you to control. I have a plan to use it but that just doesn't warrant that i'll get to use it in the end. This is so upsetting.

Sigh...I also found cards that you gave me...one of them was so supportive of my career...I cried re-reading it...sigh...

Sigh...

To be truthful, I think I haven't gotten over the incident on Good Friday. Call it nosy, call it intruding of privacy. I think women's instinct can be so strong that we can sense what's wrong and often or not, there will always be things that will prove our instincts right.

Thrice it happened. In three different relationships. It boils down to the question of, is it me? Am I the underlying issue here that I do not have the qualities to keep my man's heart intact? Am I not worth the effort to have that one person to stay true to me, love me and see me as the one and only?

Perhaps that is why my desire to be a mom has been so great. To compensate for the love and belonging needs that I never seem to get from my relationships. I just feel that at the end of the day, I am dispensable. Doesn't matter how much time and effort I put into it, doesn't matter how much I am willing to sacrifice, doesn't matter how low I am willing to get down to. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. I am bound to be replaced. By someone new, someone younger, someone who can be more interesting than I am.

This is so pathetic. I am pathetic. I think my whole life, I have been chasing after these needs. Wanting my parents to love me more, chasing for their recognition, chasing for the love of my partner, chasing after the dream of setting up my own family.

I am tired of trying. Why try so hard when at the end of the day, I am bound to be at the losing end? Perhaps I am ultimately not meant to go through couplehood nor go through the procreation process. I think I should start making plans for this singlehood to be of a long term basis.

Right now, I just feel so damaged. Fucking damaged.

Went for a jog. 3km. I really got to get it going despite the feeling of purging was so great...haha...

A little disappointed with the length of distance covered but I reckon it's been awhile since I started jogging again, so gonna take sometime to pick up my stamina.

I remember I always wish that my partner will be someone who enjoys running so that he can run alongside with me and we can spur each other on. Tough call I guess. Will have to run this journey on my own. Sigh...

Back to masking my feelings and to pull through the days....

I'll be alright I guess...

Things to look forward to:
- yoga
- jogging training
- driving

Need to start training...get my mojo back for running else I'll die a terrible death during marathon.

But first thing first, give me some time to be depressed and wallow in my own misery...

没有人喜欢做狠角色, 我也不例外。I can't say I have no choice, cos there's always one...I just want to be on my own for the time being...

Forgotten that I did not have driving today. Luckily I checked again the last minute. Slept in quite abit today. In fact I slept pretty much the whole day today. Past week was a roller coaster ride, I'm so exhausted emotionally. It's really hard for me to see someone so young suffers.

Yoga has started and I am loving it despite the amount of aches it's giving me. Love it when I get to do it with Fen too, can't remember when was the last time we signed up for something to learn together.

Time to start marathon training. Need to get my butt moving to jog during the weekdays. Can't wait for this week to end. Long break =)

Things to be done:
- Dental appointment to be fixed
- Jogging schedule

Things in check:
- Final theory (Passed!!)
- Driving lessons (Still in progress)
- Yoga classes (Registered!!!)
- StandChart Marathon (Registered!!)
- Macbook Pro (Got it!!!)


I still need to:
- make an appointment with dentist
- start my regular jogging session
- go for body pump classes
- stop procrastinating in doing my work
- sync my iphone and ipad2 to my macbook pro (once it arrives!)
- look up for courses overseas or masters courses
- rock climbing (eh...maybe after my yoga classes)

No doubt I feel happier these days, there are still days in which I feel a tad empty. O well, I will get pass this...

I love the time spent on the Sunday that just passed. The brunch, the coffee and the chatting. It was such an awesome gathering. No doubt I was totally beat by the end of the day, I must say, I utterly love love love the company!

I was so touched when you guys mentioned that if I ever were to have a baby, my baby will definitely be surrounded by alot of godpas and godma! Of cos it's also very heartening to know that, you guys would still include me even if it meant I would be sharing cakes and coffee with you guys while breastfeeding my baby...That was hilarious...

Love you guys...tonnes and tonnes and tonnes...

May be it will be good for me to start dating again. Just random dating. Either to speed up finding my white horse prince or to get more jaded from the dating scene...ha...

Maybe I'm just not meant to get married or have babies...Sigh...

Start crafting a journey on my own...

Plans ahead - driving lessons, first marathon in Dec, Penang trip with new friend, possible Aussie trip...

That's all for now!

Fall of the star of david...

There were many times and occasions in which it fell off my wrist while I was at work. I remembered feeling my heart ache when I thought I have lost it! I was then frantically pulling the mattresses apart in the gym, even telling my kid to help me look for my bracelet. I also remembered feeling relieved when I finally found it, like how a child who found a prized item.

It was bought with love. That moment of happiness I will never forget. You've initiated and offered to get me something that you thought will suit me. Never mind the religious meaning behind it, I really loved it and was the happiest girl wearing it.

I am not a person who wears a bracelet to begin with, let alone wearing it everyday even at work when I have to handle kids. I learnt how to get around with it and got so used to it dangling on my wrist. It became part of me.

Today, I have decided to take it off on my own. The amount of sadness I am feeling right now, you will never understand. I have to relearn how to live without it.

I dun think you have loved me enough to want to be with me in a long run. If you dun see a future in us, let me go and let me move on...

Songs

First was 'Warwick Avenue' then it's 'Someone like you'

I sat there listening to these songs...

I just sat behind my house and bawled my eyes out. I kept thinking to myself, what have I not done to make it work. What have I done to cause the disintegration to something that is supposed to be beautiful in our lives.

Am I not fun enough to be with. Am I not interesting enough to sustain a relationship. Am I not good enough to be loved for who I am.

It is starting to hit me despite my best ability to shun it. Constant reminder to be strong, stay strong and keep working to make myself really tired. Tired enough to just want to go sleep and not talk, tired enough to just numb my feelings so that I will feel less.

At the end of the day, I still need to wipe the tears up on my own, look as normal as possible and go back home as though nothing has happened.

Life still goes on...I just need to suck it up and move...

Heartbroken...

What am I supposed to do to make you feel better?

Everything is in favour of you, even when I called off this relationship. I think I can support you better as a friend than a girlfriend. But that is also at the expense of my emotions. Who is going to be there for me through this process? Why is it that I have to put aside my emotions to deal with yours?

Who am I to kid when I obviously know your feelings towards me has not been as strong as before. I have been avoiding for the longest time to not face this, thinking we can resolve it. It's gone, it's gone. It's not something that can be chased after or to be fixed.

It's all about choices, and I think it's time to make a decision and move forward. I am willing to be the bad person to end this, even though I know I will be upset, lonely or even depressed. At the end of the day, we are just beating around the bush, not heading anywhere, aimless.

It has never been a straight path for me in my life to get to where I am now - studies, career, relationships. I think I am slowly coming to terms about being on my own and living the rest of my life alone. I rather do that than knowing that being in the relationship is making the both of us unhappy.

I am really really sorry, I dun have the means to make you happy anymore, not even the sight of me nor my words nor the concerns I have for you.

I have always loved and still love you. But I need to love myself too since that's the only thing I know I have complete control of.

5 years ago and 5 years now...

5 years ago, I had my first vote. I still remember vividly what happened and how I had to rush from one place to another. I was this naive, hopelessly in love girl who thought everything was going on blissfully for her...

I wonder why I didn't walk away, why I didn't protect myself or love myself enough to walk away. Why was I not proud of myself enough to know that I should have been gone and not turned back. Exactly what was holding me back.

5 years now, I had my second vote. Everything has changed. I got out of that horrid relationship and am in a new relationship.

I want to say that I have changed. I have learnt to love myself alittle more. But ironically, it is sad to say, not enough. Not enough to protect the entire me and my pride. Not enough to stop me from giving in. I still give in. I still give in enough to give up my pride sometimes. Did I read too much romance to think that by trying and giving in, things will work out eventually and everything will be good just like those fairy tales.

5 years from now, when I get the opportunity to vote again, I want to be different from where I am and how I am feeling right now. I want to be able to love myself. Love myself enough to know that although it will be painful, I owe it to myself to reject so that I will no longer be short changed.

One step at a time, I will reach there. I have to.

Yeah! Happy! Finally after so long!

So happy! Still pretty hyped up about today!

Peifen specially gotten the car so that she could drive me around for brunch and Biennale as well. Thank you so much for the effort and time! Thank you so much for loving me!

I mean how sweet can one be...she knows that I have not been to riders cafe nor Prive before and hence suggested us going to one of these places to kinda pre-celebrate my birthday! =)

O and I'm gonna go watch Kylie's concert with Gage and the boys! So exciting! I think I'm slowly picking myself and my life up! Feel so blessed to have so many friends who love me and willing to spend time with me!

Okie...anyway I need to put up my wish list for this year:
1. Nice tote bag
2. SK ll 'miracle water' (to help my face achieve that kinda glow-from-within look)
3. Cosmetics (anything from lipsticks, blusher, mascara etc.)

I cannot think of anything else...

I shall remind myself to not expect too much so that I will not get disappointed!

I have the choice and I always do...just need to keep reminding myself that!

Birthday is coming...

I wish for...

Health

Love

Friendship

Strength

not feeling too well atm...to be continued...

It's back...

I have been trying to fight it but it's back...and it's eating me up once again...It's making everything looks ugly again...

I have turned into this person who cannot let go nor look beyond what is presented...I want to let go of it and move on but I can't...I tried to move ahead, something will drag me back and I will go back to harp on it...again and again and again...and it just spirals downwards into the bottomless hole...

I am back to this insecure creature who is so unsure of herself and so lack of confidence...

Where did my self esteem go? Where did my dignity go? I feel so out of control now and it's killing me inside...

Keep things in check...

Running: 26 and 27 April...

Biennale 2011: went on Sunday with Peifen...

Dental appointment: have yet to fix, perhaps this coming Monday!

Advance theory booking: to get it done in a week's time

Keep things in check...

To apply for advance theory and secure the date - in process

To go for dental checkup - probably next Monday.

Run/jog 3x a week - started 11 April (Monday)...

Visiting Biennale - next Sunday

Cannot sleep, throat is hurting badly. Sigh.

I think I should join more activities to keep myself healthy and alert and happy. Maybe from there I will get to know more people, new people...new meaning to life perhaps...

Love spending my Sunday doing more meaningful stuffs. Meeting friends, spending more time with them, knowing that they are doing alright and coping well, makes it all worthwhile despite me being tired.

I would love to spend more time with you but I reckon, you seem to need sleep/rest more than the need to spend time with me. To keep myself happy, I pull myself out, and get myself busy.

Hate to do this but I have to constantly remind myself to be strong for myself cos no one else will and it is not any one's responsibility to do so. Even if there is this person who promises that he will be my pillar, it is only temporary. Everything will go back to square one eventually. Nothing last...I should have known...

Things to get settled...

Post the cheque - checked

Haircut and colour - checked

To apply for advance theory and secure the date - in process

To go for dental checkup - in process

Run/jog 3x a week - psyching in process

Visiting Biennale - next Sunday

Bug gage about his job status - always in process...

I will always pick myself up no matter what happens...it's no big deal...really...

But why did I tear after I typed this msg. I was so good, so so good in controlling my emotions. Yet, when I was done typing these words, tears just welled up...

Pulling myself out is the hardest decision to make but I have to, I need this self preservation act in order to survive.

I am tired of pushing for us to talk, pushing for this, pushing for that. I am tired of throwing something or complain about something at you in order to get some response, attention or feedback. I would like to think that I have given you ample time and opportunities...now I am just so tired.

I dun want to talk anymore. Now I just want to run, and I have to let you know I am very good at it.

I miss us...

Seeing you, reminded me of what I've lost...

Seeing what you have beside you, reminded me of how unfair the world is that you've got everything but I have to give up on mine just so I can survive...

This ripple effect is not doing me good and it keeps reminding me of the past...

Sometimes, I need to know that I am of certain importance to you, not just soccer-important or work-important but important-cos-I-mean-something-kind of important...

Sometimes, I need to know that I will be included in your plans, like how I include you in mine, just so that the uncertainties will not have a chance to delude me and having me engulfed by the paranoid-cum-insecurity monster...

I used to think it will be different this time round. Things used to look so promising, you definitely looked more promising...

The reason I cried so hard the other night was not because of your uncertainty about me but because I realized we have both reached the stage where we start to be unsure of each other and that the reality of having to part might just be one of the options.

This really upsets me alot...I really thought this is IT...that I am done searching...

If this is not working...I seriously have no idea what to do next...