alone...

went out alone for the whole day...

caught a movie on my own at bishan....walked around alone...finally bought the socks that i needed...no more smelly feet...yeah...

head down to look for nikki after the movie...her granny juz passed away...so i thought i'll go down to look for her and give her support...reminds me of ah ma's funeral somehow...
hope that she'll get enough rest and not get too exhausted...

walked from punggol mrt station back home...it was drizzling...cooling nite...helps to clear my mind...'who the fuck you think you are, giving me attitude...' i'll not forget those words...
right from the beginning i'm juz a nobody...before the mess, in the midst of the mess and now after the mess...

this nobody has decided to fade off...afterall...i'm juz a nobody...

rainy days...

~mon~
met up with dodo and family for dinner at thomson plaza for her bday celebration...been awhile since i last went there...used to frequent there in my sec schl days cos handsome stayed near there and we used to go there for BK at times...my aunt even rem driving me to handsome's place one of the new years...that was like so many years back...the plaza has changed so much...the old BK is no longer there...

~thurs~
went for the surprise party for angie at baden in holland village. Had fun chatting, eating german food and of cos making the birthday girl hit the pinata that jessie had suggested buying. The funniest part was when the blindfolded angie hit and hit the guys on their arms instead of the pinata...too bad lo...no place to hang the pinata so they gotte sacrifice their arms...haha...

happy to see that the surprise party was a success...at one point we were still worried that angie already knew we're planning something for her...but with her taking her time to prepare herself and making her way down to meet us....we knew she had no idea what's going on and with her taking her own sweet time, she's unknowingly starving us all...haha...Glad you had a great time babe...

~fri~
was suppose to go down for friendly match...once again i flew ray they all kite...so sorry...i ended up with running nose and headache for the whole day on fri...so drained that i was abit half dead in my clinic...resting from time to time...drowning myself with warm water...

~sat~
had a good nite rest...felt much better today...wanted to go for a jog but it rained...so decided to stay home to read my book...played with auggy for awhile and then watched tv...

went handsome's place for steamboat...as usual...we prepared food and had a really full meal...
after food...we played mahjong for awhile...haha first time i game with 'ping hu' with all the 'tong zi'!!! eh i never had such luck before leh...too bad we were juz playing for fun not money...haha...

o man i realise lately i've been pretty sedentary in my activities...have to get my jogging vibe back...if not my tummy is going to be flabbier! argh...

Still dunno wat to do for tomolo...perhapsgo for a jog, stay home, read my book, play with auggy, or go watch a movie alone...

Just want to do things alone...i've had my fair share of disappointment already...not contacting for the next few days will be good...at least i know i wont get disappointed if there isnt any respond...

~communication~

i sux in self expressions.

Communicating with people regarding my own feelings and thoughts was never a smooth process. I can map out all the conversations in my head- what i am going to say, what i am going to argue, points that i really want to put across. I can rehearse those lines or pointers repeatedly in my head ever so smoothly. And i thought when it's my turn to express myself, i'll be able to do it.

But when the real situation occur, i juz fall silent. Words that i had in mind and to be put across juz seemed to be stucked in my throat and eventually get swollowed into my stomach. Unless the other party pushed me real hard, will i reveal slightly what's on my mind.

Am i scared of offending others, am i afraid of making situation worst, am i afriad of how others will see me if i am to tell them what's on my mind? I've been asking myself all these questions on and on.

I have to admit, i lack the courage to stand up for myself at times, to say 'no' to others, to face the possibility of not being accepted by others...

No more avoidance? no more self denial? no more self blame? be brave and face the reality?

i'm still trying...

sleep sleep sleep...

I think i juz fasted unknowingly since last nite 8pm till today lunch. Someone flew my kite for dinner and i was so freaking pissed off that i read my book and fell asleep by 8pm. Wasnt hungry then so didnt eat anything even when i woke up at 11pm. Sleep...good remedy to cool myself down and clear my head from unnecessary stuffs.

I broke my no-alcohol rule on sat nite. Drank at ck's house and later went to happy daze to drink with ray and the gals. It's like unleashing the alcowhore me...haha...and i have to pay the price on sun though, for my gastric came back and i'm rolling in pain...kena pissed off and no appetite...so sleep is juz wat i needed...

rather happy today cos managed to see 5 pts today. The time passed faster with me seeing and chatting with my patients. Then i wont think about other nonsensical things...haha...

gonna meet up with aunt and family for dinner later....finished reading my first neil gaiman book...looking forward to finishing the next book 'good omen' that ck lent me...at least i hit my first new year resolution - to read more and not only sleep during train rides...haha....

At home now...took time off today cos gotta attend a wedding in the evening...

kinda like the half day work, half day rest feeling...

darn darn broke now...overspent way too much during x'mas...

need to start saving up...or else when i go aussie i'll have to eat air...or let the air eat me...

such a spendthrift...argh...

how am i feeling now...

been a long time since i have such feeling - feeling down to the core...why? i juz feel stuck....i wanna get out of the zone that i'm in now...too slow...too comfortable...too mundane...in my work...

seriously...i dun think i'm suited for community setting...i wanna get back to peds again...i wanna work with autistic kids...i wanna get into their world once more...when will i be able to do that...will i be competent enough to do that in future? i juz miss the challenges of working in peds...i miss running after little kids...sigh...

what do i want now?
get out of singapore, to vietname, to aussie...

It's a boy!!!!

it's a boy!!! again!!! haha....hai yar...thought i'll have a niece...o well, so long baby is healthy that's the more important thing..

i can foresee auggy and auggy-look-alike fighting for toys, food and attention...that'll be so funny...haha...

Anyway today is OT day! Happy Occupational Therapy Day!

Quote of the day: ' Forgive someone who's hurt you in the past. Take a forgiveness test. Pray for that person and wish him all the blessng you can think of '

My colleague has this stack of quotes that she bought way before x'mas. We'll choose one card each and place it on our work desk. And so the above is my quote for the day.

My first reaction was -_-
even though i stupidly replied his sms once last year...doesnt mean the past didnt hurt...those msges that brushed me off; the scene which i saw both of them dozing off on the bus together and the last phone call...they juz came flashing across my mind with that single sms...if u are leading a happy life now, good for you...but i dun wan to know...

feeling fucking low now....

I have never felt so pek chek about my work @ JMC until today. Referral system sux, such that for certain people we cannot see them as subsidised patients unless they go thru certain procedures. Here i was, trying my best to find out and then explain the procedures to patient and i'm being taken as inflexible and trying to squeeze money out of him. In the end, he hung up on me! ARGH!!! Since when i have to be the bad person?? And i hate it when ppl hung up on MOI!

The even more frustrating thing is - THIS doc suggested to my boss to have me stationed half day permenently at the counter downstairs to tend to the home care solution centre! I'm willing to conduct public education home modification when needed BUT dun ask me to sit at the counter and direct ppl or to tell ppl that 'sorry JMC is not jurong polyclinic..."

~ROAR~
since when i become a counter girl
~ROAR~

Anyway, i juz went joggin behind my house. I really cant take it and needed the jog to vent my frustration.

Wanted to blog about my 2006. Am too tired now. Shall blog about it another day. Gotta sleep now.

squash...squashies....

training is back at nyp now...save the cost and hassel of going to yck or chilton park...somehow i still like those courts that we have...though their condition aint the greatest...

saw one of the admin officers who is a seasoned squash player...he used to help us alot, letting us know when the courts will be closed for exams and helping us get clearance to use them when we werent supposed to...it's nice seeing him again...

as always...we trained, we played games, we sweat and laughed...kinda tired to train after work but it was fun afterall...

went cartel to eat after training just like good old days...i rem i gained the most amount of weight back then cos after training we'll go cartel to have 'dinner'...

the girls were discussing about me leaving for aussie to study this year...jessie and ray were keen to pay me a visit...they even said that they'll miss me and my stupid antics whenever i get drunk...haha...

come to think of it...i'll be leaving for aussie in 6 months time...pretty fast eh....

sigh...so fast...2007 is here in juz a blink...

new year...new resolution...so what are mine? gonna think about it and let you guys know later...

goon goon??

All of us have been trying to get auggy to call my mum ' nai nai' and me 'gu gu' ...so far he can call my bro 'pa pa', sis-in-law 'ma ma', my dad 'ye ye' and of cos blurt out ' bao bei' or ' baby' at times which indicates himself.... haha very duh right...

was having cereal breakfast today at the dinning table and this little glutton kept bugging me to feed him some...and so i did....but before i fed him...i made him say 'xie xie' (sis-in-law has been training him for it...so i'm juz helping her to reinforce)...for this he can pronounce very clearly...the next few times when i fed him...i made him call me 'gu gu'...and cos he really really wanted to eat...he attempted calling me...

'goon goon' was all he called out o_O ....sounds like 'goon doo' leh...
actually all these while he's been calling me that...tried to correct it but cant leh...

hai yar 'goon goon' is better than him calling me something else =p

anyway here's the videos that my bro uploaded...

christmas!

spent x'mas eve with my dear squashies at new majestic hotel...it's so darn cool!! nice hotel room we've gotten! really cosy and nice to stay in...two storey somemore...the design is so interesting and the bed is so fluffy!!! haha...would love to go there again and try out the different rooms...cos each room has different design!

chrismas day itself was spent at handsome's house...we all went crazy with the game of twister!
u can never imagine the kind of positions we've gotten into in order to win the game...haha...and best thing is we will attack each other's space so that the other party will fall and get kick out of the game...haha evil eh...but it's fun...not to mentioning tiring too...

dinner was filled with delicious turkey, salad, baked potatoes and ham etc....it's like our family gathering once again...something different from our usual steamboat...

gifts exchange was fun too...i've gotten yd's cd...the music is not bad...some group that i've not heard of but they songs are nice...
dawn has gotten my gift...hope she'll grow the sea monkeys and let me see...hehe...

very sleepy now...such a nice weather to sleep in...but i have to wake up early to work...why why why....

i shall re-post auggy's video again later...something gone wrong with the set up...

was on roller coster ride for the past one week...emotionally going up and down due to some reasons...have things been back to normal? i dun think it'll ever be the same again...

looking forward to X'mas...spending time with ray, jessie, wanyee, chin han and angie on the eve and going yd's house on the christmas itself...bought an interesting present for the gift exchange...exciting...hehe...

ARGH!!!! KILL ME PLS....

so many things to do at work place but none related to my job! bloody hell....i'm not a PSA...i'm not a therapy assistant...i'm not an organiser for party....ARGH!!!!!

i think i need a drink to calm my nerve down...argh....freaked out....cindy and i both freaked out...why are arrangement made without even going thru us...we are the ones working here but we dun bloody know wat's going on...or we do but only know half...how come it turns out this way...is it juz becos we are junior therapist...AGRH!!!!

~deep breath~ hoo....~deep breath~ hoo.....

feel pek chek again...post mentural syndrome? dunno man...juz feel like slapping ppl or shaking them so hard that their necks fall off...like what u'll see in 'the simpsons'

nikki babe is back in s'pore! called her last nite...missed her voice leh...gonna meet her for dinner soon...hopefully she can make it...

miss my colleagues again...one of them called me yesterday...so funny...he called me to tell me that their loads are low and that they are decorating the activity room for x'mas...i wish i can join them...miss them so much suddenly...sigh...

i let auggy listen to that chipmunks x'mas song last nite...he was smiling so sweetly when he heard the voices...sooo cute...maybe should get the cd for him...

shall blog again later...

~thursday~
met up with yk and yd, my two big bullies...dinner was sorta suppose to be a belated birthday celebration with yk...didnt get him any pressie cos we dunno what he wants..so gave him red packet instead...

miss chatting with the two big bullies so much...talked about all sort of issues...which i dun get to talk about much lately...i did zone out quite a bit at times cos too tired...is that a sign of aging...

went to harry's before heading home...saw a bunch of kids in prom dresses and outfits celebrating someone's birthday...o man...18 yo and they are celebrating birthday in a pub...where was i when i was 18...yeah i do feel old somehow...

~fri~
went for squash from work...it's at a condo behind nyjc...the courts are so darn cool...it's air conditioned! only kallang has courts that are air conditioned and they charge at 10 bucks per hour! here in the condo it's free! next time if i were to purchase one i'll want it to come with squash courts too! that is if i get to purchase one...

played till 11 pm then...sigh my skills sux...think among all i'm the slowest and strokes are bad...time to focus on training man

after squash...went to daze with my girls...juz like good old days...so darn fun! reminds me of nyp days when we would go daze each sat without fail...we would juz go in our smelly attire and with our rackets...haha fun fun!

~sat~
went to work from 9-4...cos it's open house for JMC...suppose to have demonstrations on exercises with the use of gym balls and thera-bands...but our section ended up a huge playground for kids...with them swarming towards us to play with the gym balls...we became the unoffical nannies taking care of the kids while their parents are busy queuing up for free check ups or making purchases...our boss kept laughing whenever she walked pass our section...-_- tiring leh looking after so many kids...

after knocking off at 4...went for express pedicure with cindy...somewhat like a treat to ourselves...hehe...

met up with lionel and his frens for wala at nite...but sadly shirlyn wasnt performing then...so we head down to ms instead...went to a place called 'day bed bar'...appearently there was some private function going on...i think their theme was wig nite cos we saw lots of ppl with funny and colourful wigs...not to mention there's lots of ang mos, spgs, pretty babes...blah blah...

did i say the outside of this place was filled with huge couches for u to lie on...so i was practically lying down there looking at these ppl going in and out of the place...and of cos drinking at the same time...

after that...went to catch 'saw III'....i like the ending...cos there's a twist to it...other than that...the middle part was pretty boring...nearly dozed off...by the time movie ended...it was 4 am...

~sun~
nothing much except that i slept for most part of the day...suppose to meet gina,her hubby, bonnie and her bf for dinner...had headache so didnt go...anyway felt abit weird to join them too..cos i'll be like the odd one out...next time maybe...when i'm more up to it...

spent time with baby boy in the afternoon...
took him to ntuc to buy some stuff again...i quite enjoy bringing him out and spending time with him alone...although the carrying-him part always make my arms give way...

took him to the supermarket and let him sit in the trolley...quite fun...cos he'll help me put the items into the trolley and then go 'vroom vroom' as though he's riding a bike...haha...then let him walk back home from the void deck onwards...

he's so cute u know...he'll walk into the lift then attempt to press the lift buttons..but cos he's too short...he pressed the emergency bell instead...haha...

it's so fun to see him growing up bit by bit each day...i cant wait for the day when i can juz hold his hand and go out together...eh the carrying part is really too tough for me if we were to go beyond my house area..haha..

i closed my bedroom door so that i could use my computer in peace without baby boy disturbing me...

this little fellow protested by screaming and banging on the door...attempting to make me open it for him with his fake cries

so i told him 'call me gu gu first...then i'll open the door...'

no sound, nothing...

so i tot he went away since i aint reacting to any of his pleas nor can he call me...

i happily continue typing my stuff...

next moment i know...the door opened slowly and there came baby boy giving me that cheeky smile and walking those drunkard-like steps into my room...

bro was standing behind him at that moment...i stared at him and questioned him upon opening the door for auggy...he juz gave me that innocent look with two arms raise by his side and said ' i didnt do it...he opened it himself....'

who on earth will believe a 16-months toddler can reach the door hinge to open the door...

so i carried auggy out and closed my door to test him...

this little bugger happily tiptoed and stretched out his puny hand to reach for the hinge, pulled it down and pushed the door open -_-''

now i cant stop him from going into my room and i cant lock it either cos i cant rem where i put the keys to my door

and the best thing is...i wonder if i'm the one who drove him to attempt such act cos ultimately he rather open the door himself than call me 'gu gu'....dunno to cry or to laugh man...

first of all...'Happy Birthday Jessie!' many wishes to ya...MUACK!

went for squash this morning...so shiok! my stamina sux though....shall start training and get it back...
miss the old training days so much...glad that we can do it again! yippe...back to 3 training days a week? hopefully i wont be too dead...

went out for lunch with my squashies at amk mos...read sunday times,chatted and then head to bishan cos i'm looking for a book...thought i can find it at MPH...

i cant believe how blur i am...have gone to J8 so many times...i kept thinking that the old MPH was still around...completely ignorant bout it being replaced by Jean Yip Hub....sigh blur blur...

went back home after buying the book and was busy packing my room...it is simply too messy...i cant stand it...so manage to clear the rubbish that has been in my room for ages...

things i tot i've returned/lost but are actually sitting in my room include:
1. La Trobe acceptance letter for july 2007 which i told the IDP guy i didnt receive the hardcopy...i swear man...i really tot the one i have was for feb intake...

2. 'eat, shoots and leaves' - i know i know...ck, u're rolling ur eyes...i dunno how long i've borrowed it from u...

3. a necklace from yingkai years and years ago....

anyway spent the rest of the day shifting my stuff and making space in my room so that when baby boy comes in, he wont trip and fall...so in the end i've repositioned my bed to make space...

something funny to note...
i was shitting juz now and auggy keep coming to the toilet door...he will knock and go 'ahhhhh....' by the tiny gap of the door.... so i'll juz say ' i'm shitting, not done yet...call me gugu!!' then he'll walk away...he did this for like 3-4 times thru out my entire 'big business time'...it's so funny...it's like him checking on me while i shit...haha...someone does really care about moi shitting...muah haha...

worked till 8.30pm last nite...was giving some modular training...pretty fun and interactive...

pek chek...i juz feel so pek chek since yesterday...argh feel like screaming...

been having weird dreams again...now i'm darn tired...

ray is planning for us to form a team and join a club outside so that we can train up and compete with others to gain confidence..

i cant wait to get back to squash...seriously i missed those training days...make me feel so fit and healthy...not like now...darn flabby esp with me having things like curry puffs for breakfast....i miss trainings partly becos i miss the company of my fellow squash mates in the courts...doing drills and strokes together is always such a fun thing that you wont even feel tired...

lately i keep asking auggy to call me 'gu gu'....he'll always pat me on my chest when i ask him to call moi...then he will smile...but he juz wont pronouce the word 'gu gu'...hai yar dunno he purposely or that he still cant pronounce the word....but mom said he can voice ' kor kor' and he already can suck water from the straw...hmm...o well i shall be patient =p

did i mention i really like my phone...cos i can take photos and transfer them to my com...plus my ring tone can be any songs that i like...current song playing...tom diner....~cool~

i havent had enough courage to go for belly button piercing...still contemplating....hahaha...maybe that'll be my x'mas gift for myself...must start to psych myself...more....

he's such a cutie right?