i loveee my squashies...they are the only ones whom i can really depend on when i'm tipsy and drunk...they are the only ones who can stand my smooches and puke...they are the only ones who will make sure i'll be home safe and sound...

was reminded of st james nite and realise i actually rem more than i thought i rem...jessie and ray...thanx for reminding =p

accidentally poured a glass of red wine on a girl's blouse on that nite...ray actually had to help me apologise and compensate the girl...jessie actually had to bear with the consequence of being called a 'madam'...

wanyee had to tolerate being cornered by me when i wanted to put a huge smooch on her cheek...

jessie amazed by me singing along with the Beyond cantonese song at that dragonfly section (o man what was i thinking)

and me hicupping and dozing off on jessie's shoulder and something else while waiting for cab...hehe...thanx for the cushioning babe...

girls....thank you so much for tolerating my nonsense...i know i can be quite a handful and full of nonsense when i drink a tad too much...

it was indeed a fun new year afterall! haha...

Arh!! so happy! love this pic so so much! no one has ever drawn me before! neither have i tried getting myself drawn like that...

wish i have the abs that are shown in the pic =p wah haha...

thank you silly no. 1!

Happy new year everyone!

New year, new begining....

Had so much fun for the past few days...the usual gatherings with relatives, usual small talks we made with ppl we seldom see, the usual next-year-bring-your-boyfriend-along comment....still, i love chinese new year...each year is different for me...

~new year eve eve~
Had maternal reunion dinner at my uncle's condo...usual gathering except that this time round there's more toddlers around...4 generations all together...

i ended up chasing after my youngest uncle, hitting him cos he cox auggy into drinking red wine...was so angry that i drank up all his wine from the cup...ha...

after that went dempsey road for more wine and sausages with dodo and her hubby-to-be...thanx for the treat dodo...

~new year eve~
Went to harbour front for lunch with my aunt, uncle and cuzzies...nice food, great company=)

noon time went over fen's place to nua and to get my nailpolish done...hehe not to mention to get goodies from auntie too...hehe...yummy!

evening had reunion dinner on our own and i headed down to yd's house...at bout 12am then we headed for chinatown! It was so fun! i was abit stoned lah cos very sleepy towards the end but i really enjoyed myself shopping with auntie, dawn, yilong and yd...it's like a family outing to me...my family has never done that before. Thanx for including me for the shopping trip!

we had great fun laughing at auntie and her hyena tattoo...keke very fun to see her smiling and holding her hand so dearly!

like i told yd...why do i always give my 'first time' to the sims....haha...
4 yrs back, when he juz had his car lisence, i kar kar be his passenger for the lorry ride to julia's bday party at east coast...that was like 2nd day post he was given the right to drive legally on the road...and mind you i didnt put on sit belt cos there was none and this fellow had no prior experience of driving a huge lorry! everything was smooth except for the hump! ha

this year, our dear little bro had gotten his bike lisence a week back and boy he had gotten himself a scrambler...this bike is so darn high that i had to hold on to yilong and yd in order to get onto the back seat...it wasnt as scary as i tot...didnt burn my arse with the exhuast pipe at the back and wasnt that loud...and i pass this little fellow simply cos he rides over the hump much much smoother than his bro...haha....

~CNY day 1~
did the usual thing of going to relatives house to bai nian..

evening time went over to aunt's place for dinner and drank 3 glasses of red wine before i pop over papa ng's place...

amazed that i can balance myself thru the train ride feeling high and on 3 inch heels...

sorry about dozing off and not able to play mahjong with u guys...was really tired by the time i'm done with shower ...

~CNY day 2~
woo hoo...went house visits...starting from sze's house to mine then to adrian's...to jl's...ck's then final stop was yd's...had steamboat again! haha...but it was nice...

done with dinner and washing dishes...hopped over to st james...went to the jazz section...weird ang mos singing with not so attractive moves...wat a waste...

drank abit too much and gotten tipsy...i think we did went to different sections of the entire place juz that i simply cant rem anything except snapshots of myself attacking jessie, ray and wan yee...giving them smooches on their cheeks...actually i only rem kissing jessie...but was told that i kissed the other two gals too...oops...sorry...hehe...

~CNY day 3~
went gu ma's house for the gathering as usual...uncles, aunts, cousins and their babies...place is getting smaller with more ppl coming into our big family...it's really heart warming to see that...

That pretty much sums up my CNY...fun! hope next year will be as fun too! muah haha....

same me, same auggy, same occasion....

top is the pic taken this year during reunion dinner....

bottom is the pic taken last year during the dinner....

same position, same hug, same smile from me, same no-smile from auggy...

any difference spotted? baby boy grew so much over the year...and i've grown older over the year too...boohoo...

handsome: eh what time you knock off...
me: 5.30pm lo...

handsome: o then you think if i meet up with you at 5.30, i will be able to reach clark quay by 6.30?
me: u may be abit late if u meet me at 5.30...why wanna meet me? i didnt bring your tie today leh...

handsome: no lah...want to take train with you together mah...
me: eeeew....so sweet of you....

handsome: of cos...
me: o_O okie lo...haha....

we did meet up and took the train together...though he did run late due to some delays...still, i appreciate him wanting to meet me up...

i know you love me...in your own way...so subtely...thanx for not giving up on me...

You Are a Caramel Crunch Donut

You're a complex creature, and you're guilty of complicating things for fun. You've been known to sit around pondering the meaning of life... Or at times, pondering the meaning of your doughnut. To frost or not to frost? To fill or not to fill? These are your eternal questions.

What Donut Are You?

happy vday

Hair is wet, am waiting for it to dry, then i'll go sleep...

Met up with nikki babe for a movie in the evening. Two singles spending vday together. First time for her, second or third time for me (i cant rem exactly)...still, we had a good time, drooling over daniel wu in the movie and chatting so heartily while having our late dinner...Babe, thank you so much for spending time with me...hopefully i can catch you again before you fly back to aussie or i'll see you in melbourne in another 5 months time...

7 yrs back, i still rem the vday i had in nyjc, jl placed the piglet in the locker for me to find out...back then everything was so sweet and innocent...soo....childlike...

3 yrs ago, i still rem the vday i had in nyp, mr h had the florist to send flowers to schl for me and me giving him blue roses in return....it was sweet too and the kinda thing that teenagers will do...erm though i was in my 20s already...haha...

this year, i was suppose to spend this vday with banker...but somehow i knew it wont happen and true enough it didnt...

BUT i'll not forget the vday this year...cos someone put in the time and effort to make something for me...been a very long time since i get handmade present...the sincerity with this gift is very much felt and appreciated...thank you so much!

time to sleep...argh...i so not wanna work...i need a break from work totally....

pauses...

i admit...i lost myself completely the moment i stepped into this relationship...lost as in not lost in the midst of lovey dovey moments but lost the 'me' in me...

did stupid things that i thought i wont do; reacted the way i thought i wont react; cried the number of times i thought i wont cry; placed myself in a position so low that i thought i'll never allow myself to be in; lied to someone whom i thought i'll always be truthful to...

he's not the best lover, he's not good looking, not sensitive, not loaded, not well tempered, not someone who will keep to his promises all the time...then why did i hang on to this relationship so darn tightly?

I like his confidence, i like the way he communicate at times when he puts in effort and is not busy playing his ps2, i like the way he explained things to me at times...i thought he can be the one to guide me through life...i thought i can tap onto his confidence level and grow with him in life...i stubbornly wanted to prove that we can make this relationship work despite the age and mentality differences...

it's juz like me wanting to study chinese in NUS and be a chinese teacher back then...i stubbornly held on to this idea and tried getting into the teaching line desperately...applied; reject; applied; reject...till i felt so depress that i could no longer function confidently as a being...i stubbornly wanted to prove that i can do it...i stubbornly held on to it and rejected all other options in life...

yes, never learn my lesson...always land myself in the 'jiao tou lan e' state then i'll start to realise i need to let things go...

it is hard to let go, it is hard to admit defeat for someone as stubborn as i am...but now i have to...for myself, for ppl who love me...

i am afterall not that bad right? i'm still whole and abled, still mentally sound, still has the ability to communicate and appreciate things in life, still has the capability of making myself pretty...haha....

sigh i juz want to be like the past- drunk, giggly, carefree, blur, silly...most imptly, love myself more than i should be...

My Personality

Neuroticism	82
Extraversion	57
Openness To Experience	60
Agreeableness	62
Conscientiousness	7

You are neither a subdued loner nor a jovial chatterbox. You enjoy time with others but also time alone. You can be very easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be extremely sensitive and emotional. A desire for tradition does not prevent you from trying new things. Your thinking is neither simple nor complex. To others you appear to be a well-educated person but not an intellectual. You have some concern with others' needs, and are generally pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative. You like to live for the moment and do what feels good now. Your work tends to be careless and disorganized.

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Closure...

Managed to get thru to him last nite. He sounded indifferent. O well, what's new. No doubt i have contributed to that, somehow i also know he doesnt have the capacity to take it anymore. At least now we both know that there is no point continuing and dragging each other along.

He told me to grow up and that i'll always be a nobody if i continue to think that way -_-

Ultimately, he cant support me the way i wanted him to, esp emotionally. Perhaps i'm juz not strong enough...whatever it is...he's outta moi life! finally...

Anyway, everything will start anew. Chinese New Year coming. I juz wanna enjoy myself and prepare for my study. Speaking of which, i havent settle my study loan yet =p

cry cry cry...after today...no more...

seriously, i can do with a drink or two right now...i really really need it!

gonna do that with ray and jessie on sat....

since i dun have to ans to anyone or make promises not to drink anymore...i shall be the karen walker-alike jayna once more...i miss that...really...i miss drinking and chilling with my girls and pals in peace...

the downward spiralled r/s has come to an extend that i had enough and he had enough too...right now i truly appreaciate him not contacting me at all...it really makes things easier...no more being softhearted or guilty and going back to the vicious cycle...although at times i do miss him, his silly smiles, the stupid things we did together, his hug, his kisses and him smelling my hair...i'll miss all thsoe...but somehow all these doesnt sustain the r/s a single bit....

i'll go into deep deperssion if this go on....I need to get myself fixed...by myself....

i lost the ability to trust...perhaps it's like 'blink'....somehow, somewhere i juz know something is not right, something is not true in him but i cant pin point it....and silly me juz want to find facts to prove it but cant find anything concreate and in the end gottan a fake hope...a fake product - our r/s...

I want to start afresh....i'm so glad i'll be leaving for melbourne soon...i cant stay here anymore...not that i wont miss my frens...i'll miss every single one of them...but i cant expect them to help me pull myself up...i juz need some place new to start a new life...proving to myself i can actually survive very well alone in a foreign land....

no more jerks...i hate them...i had two in a row...enough is enough...i'll pull down that bus stop if i can...perhaps at that point of time, i believe too much in fate...or that i'm juz simply being too naive and dumb...agrh....

i'm bursting...my heart felt so heavy....

so...i shall go and sleep...it's the best remedy...at least for now...

alone...

went out alone for the whole day...

caught a movie on my own at bishan....walked around alone...finally bought the socks that i needed...no more smelly feet...yeah...

head down to look for nikki after the movie...her granny juz passed away...so i thought i'll go down to look for her and give her support...reminds me of ah ma's funeral somehow...
hope that she'll get enough rest and not get too exhausted...

walked from punggol mrt station back home...it was drizzling...cooling nite...helps to clear my mind...'who the fuck you think you are, giving me attitude...' i'll not forget those words...
right from the beginning i'm juz a nobody...before the mess, in the midst of the mess and now after the mess...

this nobody has decided to fade off...afterall...i'm juz a nobody...

rainy days...

~mon~
met up with dodo and family for dinner at thomson plaza for her bday celebration...been awhile since i last went there...used to frequent there in my sec schl days cos handsome stayed near there and we used to go there for BK at times...my aunt even rem driving me to handsome's place one of the new years...that was like so many years back...the plaza has changed so much...the old BK is no longer there...

~thurs~
went for the surprise party for angie at baden in holland village. Had fun chatting, eating german food and of cos making the birthday girl hit the pinata that jessie had suggested buying. The funniest part was when the blindfolded angie hit and hit the guys on their arms instead of the pinata...too bad lo...no place to hang the pinata so they gotte sacrifice their arms...haha...

happy to see that the surprise party was a success...at one point we were still worried that angie already knew we're planning something for her...but with her taking her time to prepare herself and making her way down to meet us....we knew she had no idea what's going on and with her taking her own sweet time, she's unknowingly starving us all...haha...Glad you had a great time babe...

~fri~
was suppose to go down for friendly match...once again i flew ray they all kite...so sorry...i ended up with running nose and headache for the whole day on fri...so drained that i was abit half dead in my clinic...resting from time to time...drowning myself with warm water...

~sat~
had a good nite rest...felt much better today...wanted to go for a jog but it rained...so decided to stay home to read my book...played with auggy for awhile and then watched tv...

went handsome's place for steamboat...as usual...we prepared food and had a really full meal...
after food...we played mahjong for awhile...haha first time i game with 'ping hu' with all the 'tong zi'!!! eh i never had such luck before leh...too bad we were juz playing for fun not money...haha...

o man i realise lately i've been pretty sedentary in my activities...have to get my jogging vibe back...if not my tummy is going to be flabbier! argh...

Still dunno wat to do for tomolo...perhapsgo for a jog, stay home, read my book, play with auggy, or go watch a movie alone...

Just want to do things alone...i've had my fair share of disappointment already...not contacting for the next few days will be good...at least i know i wont get disappointed if there isnt any respond...

~communication~

i sux in self expressions.

Communicating with people regarding my own feelings and thoughts was never a smooth process. I can map out all the conversations in my head- what i am going to say, what i am going to argue, points that i really want to put across. I can rehearse those lines or pointers repeatedly in my head ever so smoothly. And i thought when it's my turn to express myself, i'll be able to do it.

But when the real situation occur, i juz fall silent. Words that i had in mind and to be put across juz seemed to be stucked in my throat and eventually get swollowed into my stomach. Unless the other party pushed me real hard, will i reveal slightly what's on my mind.

Am i scared of offending others, am i afraid of making situation worst, am i afriad of how others will see me if i am to tell them what's on my mind? I've been asking myself all these questions on and on.

I have to admit, i lack the courage to stand up for myself at times, to say 'no' to others, to face the possibility of not being accepted by others...

No more avoidance? no more self denial? no more self blame? be brave and face the reality?

i'm still trying...

sleep sleep sleep...

I think i juz fasted unknowingly since last nite 8pm till today lunch. Someone flew my kite for dinner and i was so freaking pissed off that i read my book and fell asleep by 8pm. Wasnt hungry then so didnt eat anything even when i woke up at 11pm. Sleep...good remedy to cool myself down and clear my head from unnecessary stuffs.

I broke my no-alcohol rule on sat nite. Drank at ck's house and later went to happy daze to drink with ray and the gals. It's like unleashing the alcowhore me...haha...and i have to pay the price on sun though, for my gastric came back and i'm rolling in pain...kena pissed off and no appetite...so sleep is juz wat i needed...

rather happy today cos managed to see 5 pts today. The time passed faster with me seeing and chatting with my patients. Then i wont think about other nonsensical things...haha...

gonna meet up with aunt and family for dinner later....finished reading my first neil gaiman book...looking forward to finishing the next book 'good omen' that ck lent me...at least i hit my first new year resolution - to read more and not only sleep during train rides...haha....

At home now...took time off today cos gotta attend a wedding in the evening...

kinda like the half day work, half day rest feeling...

darn darn broke now...overspent way too much during x'mas...

need to start saving up...or else when i go aussie i'll have to eat air...or let the air eat me...

such a spendthrift...argh...

how am i feeling now...

been a long time since i have such feeling - feeling down to the core...why? i juz feel stuck....i wanna get out of the zone that i'm in now...too slow...too comfortable...too mundane...in my work...

seriously...i dun think i'm suited for community setting...i wanna get back to peds again...i wanna work with autistic kids...i wanna get into their world once more...when will i be able to do that...will i be competent enough to do that in future? i juz miss the challenges of working in peds...i miss running after little kids...sigh...

what do i want now?
get out of singapore, to vietname, to aussie...

It's a boy!!!!

it's a boy!!! again!!! haha....hai yar...thought i'll have a niece...o well, so long baby is healthy that's the more important thing..

i can foresee auggy and auggy-look-alike fighting for toys, food and attention...that'll be so funny...haha...

Anyway today is OT day! Happy Occupational Therapy Day!

Quote of the day: ' Forgive someone who's hurt you in the past. Take a forgiveness test. Pray for that person and wish him all the blessng you can think of '

My colleague has this stack of quotes that she bought way before x'mas. We'll choose one card each and place it on our work desk. And so the above is my quote for the day.

My first reaction was -_-
even though i stupidly replied his sms once last year...doesnt mean the past didnt hurt...those msges that brushed me off; the scene which i saw both of them dozing off on the bus together and the last phone call...they juz came flashing across my mind with that single sms...if u are leading a happy life now, good for you...but i dun wan to know...

feeling fucking low now....

I have never felt so pek chek about my work @ JMC until today. Referral system sux, such that for certain people we cannot see them as subsidised patients unless they go thru certain procedures. Here i was, trying my best to find out and then explain the procedures to patient and i'm being taken as inflexible and trying to squeeze money out of him. In the end, he hung up on me! ARGH!!! Since when i have to be the bad person?? And i hate it when ppl hung up on MOI!

The even more frustrating thing is - THIS doc suggested to my boss to have me stationed half day permenently at the counter downstairs to tend to the home care solution centre! I'm willing to conduct public education home modification when needed BUT dun ask me to sit at the counter and direct ppl or to tell ppl that 'sorry JMC is not jurong polyclinic..."

~ROAR~
since when i become a counter girl
~ROAR~

Anyway, i juz went joggin behind my house. I really cant take it and needed the jog to vent my frustration.

Wanted to blog about my 2006. Am too tired now. Shall blog about it another day. Gotta sleep now.

squash...squashies....

training is back at nyp now...save the cost and hassel of going to yck or chilton park...somehow i still like those courts that we have...though their condition aint the greatest...

saw one of the admin officers who is a seasoned squash player...he used to help us alot, letting us know when the courts will be closed for exams and helping us get clearance to use them when we werent supposed to...it's nice seeing him again...

as always...we trained, we played games, we sweat and laughed...kinda tired to train after work but it was fun afterall...

went cartel to eat after training just like good old days...i rem i gained the most amount of weight back then cos after training we'll go cartel to have 'dinner'...

the girls were discussing about me leaving for aussie to study this year...jessie and ray were keen to pay me a visit...they even said that they'll miss me and my stupid antics whenever i get drunk...haha...

come to think of it...i'll be leaving for aussie in 6 months time...pretty fast eh....

sigh...so fast...2007 is here in juz a blink...

new year...new resolution...so what are mine? gonna think about it and let you guys know later...