High high high...

New Year Eve

Had sore throat and ran a fever from morning till night. It was horrible...I slept through the whole day, feeling pathetic and missing out on the yearly Chinatown midnight shopping...sigh that's the usual highlight of my lunar new year man...

Dun think I ate more than 3 meals since last night...

No doc for me to see...this close to wanna go A & E...

Luckily I still have lovely frens who showered me with love, msges and calls...

ARGH!!!!

I HATE IT!

HATE IT!

HATE IT!

HATE IT!

I hate this self loathing feeling. I'm this close to hitting the roof and kill myself while smacking my brain out on the ceiling.

This close!

Facing Window...

Five years since I last caught this. I still love it. Almost forgotten the story line...

This time round, tinge of sadness was evoked rather than the previous just/unjust feeling...

In the end, it doesn't matter the choice you make. Just make sure you can live with it for the rest of your life...

random thoughts...

He was so good today, didn't yank my hair, didn't hit me in the chest either.

Instead, he gave me a little peck on my cheek =)

That's enough to warm my heart. I wish he can stay that way all the time, I wish I can get through to him and into his world...

Goldfish eyes...again...

Behind my house

Alone in the middle of the night

Fireworks, I exploded like one...

Colourful night...

working late...

Worked in the office till late today. I had kids till 6.30...I typed reports till 8.45...

Am the last to lock up the office, the last to go home...

I kind of enjoy typing the stuffs alone in the office...freaky it might be (this time round there is no techno toy fish singing in the cupboard) but it's starting to feel like a second home to me...

Starting to learn not to let the loneliness and emptiness affect me...drowning myself in reports seems to work just fine for me...

No more crying...climbing out of the pit hole requires so much strength...no point wasting more energy on generating tears...I'm good on my own...at least for now I am...

Passing the parcel...

Our beloved Sze is finally 27 yo! As requested by the birthday boy, we went to bukeroo for western food. As usual, we were late and by the time we've reached, I was so exhausted that I felt like sleeping.

It was a good dinner =) Just 8 of us with a hearty meal. O well, we had a fair share of food and I had my beef-craving satisfied (although I did feel like puking beef cos was filled to the brim but it was good stuff!). It warmed my heart that we can just sit around, talk, joke, cut up the food and pass it to one another...the sharing part was fun and funny. The singing of birthday song and cake cutting was fun too. I realise being 27 means your cake will be covered with candles...damn...that make me feel so darn old...can I request to have only one candle on my cake for my birthday?

Went to sembawang beach after dinner, stood there for awhile and it felt good...Haven't stood by the beach with the breeze blowing at my face for a long long time...after that, it's guitar hero time at gage's house...

O forgot to mention, aside from food that we passed around...flu bug was another thing that was passed around during dinner...I ended up with my nose running like tap and being slightly feverish...

The night ended with 5 of us grooving in the car with Kylie's songs and 3 ppl sneezing all the way....fun eh...ho ho ho

time for new year resolution??

So fast....it's been a year since I last had the costume party, stink up Peifen's car with char kwey tiao, or rather all the oily food bought from chomp chomp and of cos, made my pals finish up the 2 weird bottles of wine that had residue in them (without telling them it's been kept for like ages...plus the fact that I only brought it out when most of us were half sober...)

This year, we spent our new year eve at ck's house with awesome shabu shabu and nicer wines to go with...although we still have to drink with residual of the cork in wine due to malfunction or the wine opener...haha...but at least it beats having to drink weird wines...

Time flies...last year this time I was alone in Singapore, on vacation and waiting to fly to HongKong to meet up with my family. Last year this time I think I was happier and more carefree...

This year, I gotta make sure I can...
~get rid of that flabby tummy of mine and perk up the body system so that I dun fall sick so often..
~earn more and save more money so that I can pay all my bills and my loan on time...
~pass basic theory, advance theory and eventually driving test (Think it will be a long process)
~be happier and more open with my emotions...
~be more hardworking and less procrastination...
~swear lesser...hahaha...

I will get better...definitely...and to all who love me...thank you so much for being there for me all these while...muack...love ya!

Resentment...

I wish I could believe you then I'll be alright
But now everything you told me really don't apply
To the way I feel inside
Loving you was easy once upon a time
But now my suspicions of you have multiplied
And it's all because you lied

[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven't tried to forget this
But I'm much too full of resentment

Just can't seem to get over the way you hurt me
Don't know how you gave another who didn't mean a thing, no
The very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive you and I know you've changed
As much as I wanna trust you I know it ain't the same
And it's all because you lied

[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven't tried to forget this
But I'm much too full of resentment

I may never understand why
I'm doing the best that I can and I
I tried and I tried to forget this
I'm much too full of resentment

I'll always remember feeling like I was no good
Like I couldn't do it for you like your mistress could
And it's all because you lied

[Bridge:]
Loved you more than ever
More than my own life
The best part of me I gave you
It was sacrificed
And it's all because you lied

[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I tried and I tried to forget this
But I'm too damn full of resentment

I know she was attractive but I was here first
Been ridin' with you for six years why did I deserve
To be treated this way by you, you
I know your probably thinking what's up with Bee
I been crying for too long what did you do to me
I used to be so strong but now you took my soul
I'm crying cant stop crying cant stop crying
You could of told me that you wasn't happy
I know you didn't wanna hurt me
But look what you done-done to me now
I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she's had half of me
How could you lie

If I were a boy...

I miss my baby boys...

Just received the Xmas card made by Auggy...so pretty...I can just picture him sitting there and patiently pasting the sequins on the snowman...I miss Auggy and ben ben so much...

Was walking around children section trying to look for a gift for Emma...baby clothing are all so cute...esp the type that I like...it's amazing how those little stuffs can make me feel happy at times...yet give me that tinge of sadness too...I wonder when it'll be my turn to buy those stuffs for my own baby...hmm....

18 grams of love...

爱情到底有多重？

一张信纸八克，

一张信封十克，

加起来，

一封情书，

十八克...

Goldfish eyes...

I want to stop this nightmare now...

Pissed...

I freaking blew my top at strangers...adults strangers....

Went to Amk to run some errands, freaking north-south line was packed...I've been moving in and out of the doorway cos I was near it and I wanted ppl to be able to go in as well as come out.

Before I reached Amk, I had the space to move in so I moved in. When I reached Amk, I was stuck. I was fucking stuck.

NO one moved or gave space for anyone of us who needed to alight... NO ONE! So what did I do? I said ' Excuse me! Excuse me!' nicely....No one moved....the freaking china man right at the doorway DID NOT move...until I pushed and screamed " MOVE PPL!"

Fucking pissed! Adults...they are freaking functional adults! Normal adults! Cant you just move your assess a little so that others can move too...come on, where's the considerations?!!!

Singapore is overcrowded...filled with selfish ppl around!!! agrh!!!!!

Half marathon

I can't feel my legs anymore...as much as I love muscle aches, this time round the experience is wayyyyyyyyyy out of my league...ask fen and gage...they'll know how much I whined and gave that grimace- of- pain look with every slightest movement I try to execute.

Yeah...conquered half marathon without training...haha...ran 8 km, walked 13km...halfway thru the running I was so darn hungry...very tempted to run into Kallang Mac when we ran past it...and then came free bananas...which drove the walking me into running pace just so I could get one...never in my life have I been so happy to see bananas...yes...very funny...

Started the race with Angie, then ran off alone eventually...so the rest of the journey I was pretty much alone...okie...Kylie did keep me company quite a bit...

I thought to myself if I manage to conquer this run, I should be able to conquer anything else in life...still I find myself being the same old me...nothing changed or am I being naive to think one run can give me the strength that I'm looking for...

Anyway some pics from bkk trip...

So happy!

Am I lucky or what...

To catch Kylie's concert, danced throughout the night and see her so up close!! She's really a gorgeous chick I tell you...

To shop, tour and bargain with the best guide ever...

To be able to come back Singapore before the airport is shut down due to demonstrations...

Dearest gage...thank you for bringing us around and helping us bargain with the locals...we girls cannot get best price for bras without your help! haha...

thank you fen for looking after me...during the you-know-what!

thank you taufiq for letting us stay over and make a mess out of his place!

thank you Bing shen for looking after my bag and bringing it back the next day!

I heart Thailand...and Kylie....

I've never thought I could travel to Bangkok, catch an awesome concert and then be back to work the next day...

gagey thanx for making this happened!

Now I'm starting to think, perhaps I can do alot more with my life...my way, my say....

happy....and....sad??

I'm going Bangkok tonight...I'm going with a heavy heart...

I have 3 assessment reports and 7 summary reports to type, all by mid Dec...and another 10 something reports to type for update...to be done by Jan

I think I can officially camp in the office to type reports when I come back from Bangkok...So dead man...so dead...

Looking forward to watch Kylie...I hope she can cheer me up a little....

I'm a little lost...

Don't know where to start, don't know how to start...

I haven't been thinking about things around me as much as I used to...

I'm going with the flow, living day by day without much of a goal except to earn more money, to save up so that I can get by in case anything happen...

I'm at the neither happy nor sad zone...is this good or bad?

I think at times I just want to be like that wooden chair, to feel useful at some point of time, useful to someone or something at least...

I'm still a little loss...

Where exactly should I head to?

upset...

It's been a week...that I've been so tired after work and really really sleepy...but when I do have the chance to sleep, I can't sleep at all.

So many things happened this week, in fact it should be since I'm back...I feel like screaming...I feel like crying my heart out...but what's the point...

After all that have happened, I'm still deemed as a whiner, a bitch, someone who drove another up the wall and to the point of breaking down...

You need someone to blame all the fault upon, there's jayna...

You need someone to act as the punching bag, there's jayna...

You need someone to run errands and do shit work for you, there's jayna...

At the end of the day, I'm still dispensable...just words of 'I can't take it anymore' and I'm chucked aside like a toy which is no longer attractive or interesting to the child...

You are right...I'm that puzzle piece...only difference is...I dun fit in at all..

random thoughts...

I finally went to book a date for basic theory test. Seriously wanna get the license so that at least I can drive around abit. It'll be even better if I can own a car...or maybe not...

I tried to run all my errands today but only managed to get the basic theory date fixed cos the queue in the bloody driving centre was so long...planned to get my watch strap fixed but haven't gotten the time to do it. Always wanted to get it replace when I knock off but usually when I do, the shop is closed as well. It's been like what, 4 months since I bought it and actually wore a watch for real after so long. Maybe I never meant to wear a watch...haha...that's why I'm perpentually late...

At the moment I'm charging my camera. Battery was flat since the day of my graduation. I haven't uploaded graduation photos yet and I have yet to upload mt buller photos too...I am a true blue procrastinator...cannot stand it...can someone wake me up pls...

I was so tired yesterday that I slept in and bummed at home the entire day...caught the marathon series of heroes 2 and ordered macdelivery for dinner simply becos I didnt wanna miss any episode and that no one was home the whole day...I can foresee myself replaying such scene in the next 10 years...how pathetic can one be...

O anyway, I finally opened the box that I sent back from Melbourne. I guess by opening it, it kinda mean I've finally accepted the fact that I'm back...for good...In the midst of opening the badly taped up box, I accidentally cut my thumb with the rusty penknife...Then in the evening I attempted piecing and fixing the metal clothes hanger I bought from Ikea the other day...in the midst of screwing the nails in...I accidentally jabbed the screwdriver into my thigh...could the screwdriver be any sharper, I think my neighbours can see me hopping down the flat trying to flag for a cab with the screwdriver still embedded in my thigh...

Sigh...for fuck sake...if I cannot even get these simple tasks done, how am I gonna live on my own in future...who knows if I try fixing the bulb, I may get myself electorcuted or try to fix the pipe and ended up flooding my unit? Then the worst thing is...who is gonna discover that I'm injured or dead when there's no one else around me...

maybe my pet guinea pig will discover my body and eventually eat me up cos no one is feeding him and he is too hungry...