I think I have come to a stage where I will not hesitate to write people off from my life. People who have hurt me, people who have wasted my time, people who did not appreciate me for who I am...

I have a better life ahead being freed from all these...If you cannot keep up, I am sorry...I really have no space for nonsense and unappreciative pricks...

I am sure I have been written off from others' lives as well...I have come to terms with that...I'll rather move on, focus on my life and try to better myself in every ways...

Life goes on...

Mind boggling day(s)....

~Thursday~
Mom gotten admitted to hospital due to irregular heartbeat...Rushed down to A&E after work to keep her company while waiting for her bed in the ward to be ready. Bought her noodle soup as she was complaining how sucky hospital food was....

I think the only consolation was that I got to talk to the cute A&E doc, who definitely looked younger than I am.

It was only until 10pm plus, that the admission was done and she was able to rest and I was able to go home...I just crashed the moment I got home...

~Friday~
Rushed down to hospital again after work, kept mom company till 8pm plus 9pm. Funny how much we could gossip while in the hospital. Talked about the doctors, nurses and patients from other beds...

The Ex actually came down to hospital to look for me. It was good to see him after a month or so. I do appreciate him making his way down. But I dun think it is possible for us to get back to where we were. I took this one month to find myself and to understand what ultimately ticks in my life. We talked. I felt like the meanest bitch ever and yet at the same time feeling so so tired from all these things that were happening around me...

Gotten home at around 11plus...all I wanted to do was to sleep...

~Saturday~
Went to see mom again after work, bought her some food again cos she absolutely hated the hospital food. Then had dinner and coffee with yd. Appreciate him making his way down to spend time with me. I needed it. The talk we had was great. Enlightened me so so much, just love talking to him.

~Sunday~
Mom called to say she can be discharged. Took a bus down to settle the discharge procedures and hospitalization fees for her. Before that, had some not-so-nice exchange of conversation with my dad. Sigh, sometimes it just put me to think - why am I putting in so much effort to prove myself all these years.

I just simply crashed and slept the entire noon once I got my mum home.

Not that I mind but sometimes I wonder, did my brother get away with all these because he has his own family. Just because I am single, I was thrown with these responsibilities of making the decisions for my mum, talking to the doctors, visiting her every day, settling the admission and discharge stuffs. He was not available throughout the entire process.

I can so foresee myself, handling my parents on my own when they get even older. Why am I always the one doing more but least appreciated by others. Sigh....

I like how my lifestyle is currently. Carefree, single and having fun on my own.

I dun need to revolve my time around anyone else except myself and perhaps a few really good pals who are closed to me...

I think whatever that is needed to be done, should have been done a year ago or even half a year ago. Did you think that I am willing to wait aimlessly? Did you think that I will never leave? I felt as though all these while, you think that whatever I said was a joke and was never taken seriously until I am determined to leave. I dun know what else to say except that I dun think I can bring myself to go back to where it started. I dun want to be unhappy because I am being dragged along.

Perhaps leaving it as it is, will be the better ending to this story that once belong to us...

Big 3 O!

Happy Birthday to me!

Today was self pampering day. Did my hair and went to have coffee with my pals. My favourite people =)

To be frank, I almost teared when you told me so firmly that you believed there will be someone out there who is worthy of me. Honey, those words meant so so much to me.

Thankful to have my friends who really love me for who I am.

Things will only get better...time to roll on! 30 is the new 20!

Thank you for the lovely sunflowers. You didn't leave your name.

I wonder if it is you. If it is, thank you for the lovely surprise. Dun think alot of people know I like sunflowers. They really brightened my day.

Actually till now I have no clue who sent the flowers to my workplace. The first person I thought of was you. You've bought me roses from the same florist ages back, I remember that.

And the first bouquet of flowers you sent to my office was sunflower as well. It was pretty big bouquet though the wrapping/packaging was alittle crappy and old fashioned...I think we burst out laughing when I showed you how the bouquet looked like.

If it were you who sent the flowers to me, thank you so much and I really appreciate you remembering my birthday and giving me this surprise =)

I've finally framed my poster up! Still procrastinating on buying the shelf and clearing my room. Will probably do that during my off days this week. Can't wait!

Clearing clutters one at a time. Dragged too long, they clogged up my life eventually. I kinda like moving forward. I do feel happier especially lately. Just feel lighter, less things to worry about, less things to upset me, more time to focus on myself and think of what really will make me happy. Maybe I'm really not suitable to be in a relationship cos I always ended up losing myself and ended up unhappy. Maybe guys I have met are ultimately not suitable afterall. Sigh, just my luck or that I am just not smart enough to open my eyes and get someone better.

O well...life is as such...what can I say...everything happened for a reason...just got to learn to take it in my stride...

I dun mind dying young. Seriously I dun mind.

I have done crazy things in life, I have lovely people in my life. I have loved and have been loved by wonderful people. Perhaps the one and only regret I have will remain as that but then again, I have kind of gone through what it is like to have a kid with the nature of my job and my brother's kids.

If I were to die young, I'm okay with that.

Finally managed to clear my reports and now it's back to sending emails and updating parents. I think I prefer doing that than type reports :p

A friend of mine asked since when I dun like to chat over the phone. I'm not 15 yo anymore where I like to yak all day long on the phone. I talked all day, to the kids and the parents. When I get home, I just want to keep my mouth shut and not yak so much. I think if you were closed to me enough over these years, you would have noticed that I dun really like to talk over the phone anymore. You disappeared intermittently and when you appeared you threw all the questions, asking me this and that; digging here and there. What was the purpose of you doing that? I dun think I need to answer to you, you know. And I am still as disappointed that you have not been upfront with me all these years.

Am pretty happy these few days. Been having fun squash sessions albeit always getting injuries here and there. Haven't had so much running for a long time. Think I need to get court shoes soon!

Next week will be my birthday! Excited!

Intended presents for self:
- Driving license (got it!)
- Satchel Bag (still eyeing at one...)
- La Mer eye concentrate (still thinking...)
- New hairdo
- Adele's concert DVD

Just wanna be with my loved ones during birthday =)
Looking forward to it!

I wonder if you still think about me as strongly after all these weeks.

If feelings are bound to diminish as time passed, why do I miss you even more now?

Maybe my reactions are too slow to respond. Or I need to distract myself more. I kind of gotten used to not hearing from you but at the same time still wondering how have you been all these while. Have you gotten used to not having me in your life?

May day, public holiday, rest day.

I used to spend such day with you. Sigh. But hey, life move on doesn't it?

Today, I just stayed home the entire day, finish up with whatever I need to do, mainly reports. Spent time with kitty, bugging her and appeasing her, reading her books and watching hi-5 with her. It has been one of those days that I did not step out of house at all. Not even to the punggol plaza. Save alot of money I would say. Okay...maybe not cos I did online shopping, literally burn a hole in my pocket. Think I'm addicted to it. Yikes!

I think I'm slowly getting to used to this, being on my own, entertaining myself, keeping myself occupied. Guess at the rate I'm going, I cannot live without internet for sure. I should start picking up my books once more!

I hope you'll find the strength to move forward. Be it pursue your dream or anything that can make yourself happier. Perhaps start counting your blessings cos you have your family and lovely friends around you =)


~1.38am~

Sigh...who am I kidding, today made me miss what we used to have. I miss us snuggling in bed during the rainy day. I miss us wasting time together just because we were too lazy to go out. I miss your bad singing. I dozed off in the noon and I heard myself snored! And I missed telling you that I heard myself snored. I missed drooling on you and seeing your disgusted face. I miss having you beside me.

Sigh and yes, I finally cried...

New road hazard coming your way!

I did it! Finally passed the driving test and got my license after all these years! Yippee!

What touched me the most was my dear instructor. Not the fat and sarcastic one (still have to thank him for his guidance and patience though :p). This particular instructor taught me in the midst of my lessons as my previous good instructor gotten pulled out of the team due to medical condition.

He's a very funny man who joked, guided and looked out for me, pretty much like a dad. True that I am a consumer and it is only right for him to do all these but I have never thought he would go that extra mile for me. I am, afterall, just one of his many many students.

I kinda whined and complained to him about how the first test, I was all turned off by the fact that I was given old car instead of my usual training car for the practical test. If I am a good driver, new or old car should not affect my performance. But I've paid so much and for me to make such adjustment within such as short time frame, I was just pissed. And I just couldn't perform with this mental barrier.

Anyway, this test, I didn't tell anyone at all. No one knew. I just refused to say anything. Not even to my buddies. Went for the test as per usual, psyching myself up that I would be tested using the old Toyota.

I was surprised to see my instructor at the car poach, telling me I would be using my training car 288. Even more surprised to find out later on, that he made a one-to-one exchange, just so that I could have that car for the test. This mean that he had to use the old car for at least 3-4 other students' lessons in that afternoon. He did it on his own accord. Which really touched me. I seriously would not have thought that he would do that for me. So loved!

Pretty happy that I got to thank him personally thereafter. 10 demerit points -No mount curb this time round; got one nice taxi uncle gave way to me for me to over take, managed to lane change with all the cars voom voom passed. O plus the fact that, according to my instructor, my tester was supposed to be one who is very strict and let ppl pass so easily. I think I'm pretty lucky to have passed...heehee...

Now...who shall I terrorize to let me drive their cars...fen? yd? ck? sze?...onz? Muah haha..

The thought just came from nowhere.

Thought about how we started. It was sweet. We used to spend so much time together. I dun even remember ever being awkward when I was with you. Everything was just so comfortable and natural.

I remembered you used to kneel by my bedside and talked to me for hours before kissing me on the forehead, said goodnight and went to sleep on the mattress on the floor. I used to think, aint your knees painful, having knelt for so long. But you never once complained and we just talked and talked and talked...

It was sweet, really sweet. And I miss that and I miss you...sigh...

Cant sleep...brrr....

I saw a couple with their baby girl today while on my way to work. I think I saw them before, during our Bintan trip. Very cute little girl with quite big size but very funny parents.

Then I thought about the trip itself, how fun it was albeit it being a brief one. I thought of the buggy ride too. And I smiled. Cos it was the most hilarious ride ever, with me driving us into the bushes, uprooted some of the bushes, almost crashing into the big drain. I remembered I couldn't stop laughing despite the accident. I just couldn't stop. You were really shocked at first, almost wanting to scream at me for my reckless driving. But you ended up laughing with me. And we had to stop somewhere for me to get down cos I was laughing so darn hard. You didn't dare to let me drive the buggy anymore after that.

And because I crashed the buggy into the shrubs, little leaves and flowers dropped everywhere onto our seats. Bits of your pants were stained by the flowers, purple colour. And I started laughing again.

It was fun. It was good memory too. I still smile when I thought about it...

Back off...

The last thing I need to hear, is from others who act upon your telling that I need to be taken care of and be given support. I think you have once again, stepped over the boundary.

I seek for support from others on my own accord, I seek for support from people who are close to me. There are reasons why I only told certain people about certain things.

Dun come mother me as though I am all vulnerable, just because you happened to read my blog. I dun need that. I seriously just want a peace of mind. So please...back off...

Appreciate your concerns but I think things should just remain as it is...I have said it once, I am gonna say it again, I do not want to complicate anything, so let's just be colleagues and possibly friends, if you can understand the boundaries.

Seriously not feeling well. Head feels like a tonne of weight. Despite sleep and rest, I still feel like shit! Sigh, hope the medication works.

Actually not too long ago, I met up with banker over an impromptu lunch. For my close pals, I think they will be getting ready to hit me hard on the head, questioning: how is it that you can still meet up with the jerk who hurt and torn you into million pieces...why on earth do you do that?!

I would want to think that deep down everyone's heart, there is always some goodness in him/her, despite whatever nasty things they have done in the past. I believe banker is one as well. I think part of him does feel guilty towards me, hence the occasional cordial msges and calls.

I know he has been calling me, it happened since beginning of the year. Each time, the calls were just missed calls. I didn't call back as I know, if it's important, he would contact me again. Anyway, a few Fridays ago, I was on my way back from the school to office. I was just checking my phone and his number appeared yet again.

Answered his call and we fixed the lunch right there and then. He picked me up at Bishan and we went to have chicken rice for lunch. Simple as that.

Nothing changed. He was still the same old banker, foul mouth at times, trying to be funny and no doubt cordial. No funny stunts, nothing. I did accidentally scratch his Volkawagen car while opening the door as it was too near the pillar (so much win, I tell ya! Though the scratch was barely visible). Anyway, he grumbled, I told him to shut up, stop being a whiner and let's head for lunch.

It's funny, how life turned out. Seeing him after so many years, just makes me see with such clarity - that he's everything that I do not want in my boyfriend or husband. I have absolutely no clue how I could stick with him for such a long time. Perhaps that's why friends around me were all so frustrated with me back then.

He called me again on that Sunday, and then again on Monday. Both were missed calls. Last weekend, I decided to send him a msg:

Hey, I know you've been trying to call me a few times. The impromptu lunch we had the other day was great. Kinda give me a proper closure somehow. I dun think I can bring myself to remain in contact with you anymore. Seeing you just reminded me of that past event that I had. I dun loathe you but there's never a day I dun think about it over the past years and seeing you just make it worse. I hope you understand. Wish you well. Take care.

And that's that. It took me this long to initiate this without any feeling - no guilt, no sadness, nothing. And it took me this long to finally close this chapter for good.

It's a good feeling somehow and I'm very glad that I made it this far =)

The cold hard bitch...

Sigh, I feel exactly like one right now.

When I said about the no contact break for a month, did you think I dun mean it at all? Or are you trying to make me feel guilty - that I'm the cruel one who is playing mind games with you by not answering or replying your messages and calls?

I am not playing mind games or having any tricks up my sleeves. I am genuinely tired. I really just want to be on my own for this period of time to think things through. Who in the right mind will initiate such thing if she/he is happy in a relationship, knowing that it will work out well? At the moment, I just dun see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Running a fever right now, sigh...perhaps I have over worked my body...hopefully I will be fine by Tuesday...

I have more to tell but my head is bursting...shall stop and give it some rest...

Mom's logic 101 made me blew my top!

I'm tired, I'm not feeling well. You saw my shoes in the house, keys on the table, my room locked, and you did guess correctly that I'm home. Then why the fuck would you still stand in front of my door, tried my door handle and then asked if I'm home?! I have never gone out without keys. I dun lock my doors unless i'm IN the room or that the kiddos are around and I dun want then to mess up my room. And you know that!

So tell me...am I wrong to scream at you for your actions?! You freaking woke me up when all I wanted to do was to sleep. I ended up not able to sleep till NOW! Urgh...I dun understand why you still carry on with your actions when you already know the obvious answer!

On a side note, thank you yk and yd for cheering me up. The conversation we had was so hilarious. Totally made my day! At least I dun feel so much pain after getting hit by my kid at my brown bone. I pretty much heard a loud sound when he hit my head, I dun know did it come from my specs or may be my skull cracked hence the sound. Exaggerating, yes. But I did hear a sound. I could even feel that portion turning red and feeling hot. My kid just looked at me, slightly distressed but carried on with his climbing without a big deal. OMG, their heads are really made of steel...

One another side note, seriously, I dun know what will come out of this one month. I just know I want to be alone and I'm dealing alright with it. I realised, I dun know how to love another person anymore, it's just too much effort and too tiring. I think I have reached my quota, need to clear my system somehow. De cluttering in progress....

Sometimes I wonder, had I not put enough effort in the relationship. I would want to believe I had. I think when it got started, I put in alot of effort. So much so that I over indulged the other party. So much so that I was taken for granted over so many things, over so many occasions.

Along the way, I learnt. I learnt not to give in so much. I learnt to take back what I have given in. I learnt to not take so much things to heart. I learnt to take the backseat and just watch it go along. Eventually it just went the path of a downward spiral. From the initial disappointment to getting unmotivated. It was actually quite a long way. For me at least.

I think at this point of time, there is nothing you can do. Even if you continue to put in effort ie. texting me despite me not returning any of the text. I dun think anything can change what is happening now. This continual of effort should have been put in a year ago. Not now, when everything has crumbled. For me to reach the stage of not having the urge to reply your msges, not feeling upset when I see your msges, it means alot.

I really have to count my blessing, that despite going through such failure in relationship, I have wonderful friends, colleagues, a career and great work evironment to back me up and support me. I think perhaps that's why I am in this line, it's a sign and I'm glad. I think to a huge extend, the kids I see are actually treating me instead of me treating them. They cheered me up tonnes over and over again and they never fail to make me laugh (though sometime they make my blood boil at times too).

No motivation. I need to start on my reports and finish them. I need to start feeling things again.

Am neither happy nor sad. It's the worst ever to feel like an empty shell.

I think I kinda picked myself up somewhere somehow. Now I need to do things to make myself even happier. Need to love myself even more. I do deserve better. If you cannot keep up then what can I say? I am really sorry. We all need to better ourselves in some way I guess.

It's not about not giving chances, sometimes things change, people change too. I dun want to compromise anymore. It shouldn't have needed to come to this point where I dun even feel sad to initiate being apart.

I probably will never get my love and belonging needs fulfilled in an intimate relationship but I am glad I still have friends to fall back on.

Sigh, what can I say except I guess...sometimes love just ain't enough....

Mood just went swooping down the hill...

I feel like disappearing for awhile and not do anything at all...

I think this is a sign of my yearly pre-birthday blues...it's starting really early this year....like a month early...omg...