I went to jog behind my house this evening...something rare...something I haven't quite done for a long long time...

The alone time was good...or so I thought I need it as I know I have to do something to pluck myself out of the mode...

But...it didn't seem good enough to stop them from flooding my system...

Should I establish the basis...maybe I'm just being afraid of letting it run loose...

Still picking up pieces when I thought I'm finally feeling better to move forward one baby step...

too many...too small...I am not sure how long will I need for this clean up...too many pieces to pick up...

Since feb...

My phone has been on silent mode for the longest time ever...since the night in which my mobile rang non-stop, I didn't dare to put the ringtone back...even till now...

I didn't want to talk to her, I won't know what to say except kept quiet...I don't have the right to say anything...that's the point...

Till today I wonder why I didn't tell her exactly what had happened...

I should have made you go through what I have gone through and still am going through...

Even then, you will never know the full extend...cos what you have will always be there, whereas mine will never be...

Crashing once again...

I'm not okie...

I said I am but I seriously am not...

You will never know the tears I've had since Sept...the very first time I called you while breaking down horribly in the bus was the very first of the many many episodes...did you feel my pain?

You will never know the fear I had everytime when you told me they have been read...did you know I was literally scared?

You will never know the torment I went through while I handled the aftermath on my own...did you know I thought of the many beautiful things that I actually have the abilities to become?

You will never know the guilt I had in covering up for you...did you know I hate to lie?

You will never know how not okie I am at this very moment...did you know I was pretty much getting better before you called?

You took me as an easy ride...I've let you taken me as the easy ride...did you know I was foolish enough to take your words for real?

Did you know?

Seeing stars...

The last time I had dizzy spell was three years back.

I still panicked when I started to see stars. I did tell myself to breathe and stay calm though but the more I breathe, the more stars I saw...No one gave up seat and me being me, I didn't ask for a seat to be given up cos I was too panicky to even talk.

Nearly fell backwards, good thing was I stood leaning against the door so I had some support at least. I could only squat down to prevent myself from falling front or back.

Sigh...fainting and breaking into cold sweat is so not fun. Not able to move much becos of acute pain in the abdominal and then cramp....

So not fun at all...

Baby blues...

I think I just found a new activity to do on Mondays that I'm off...playing with baby Emma...

Went to 2nd aunt's house today cos mom said baby Emma would be there as her mama and daddy pilot gotta fly around for the next day...

Got there at around noon time and there she was standing inside her playpen. Called her name at the gate and she smiled...such a cutie pie...

Spent the rest of the noon playing with her, cooing her to sleep...playing with her again when she woke up...being splattered with her saliva all over my face while she stuck out her tongue to blow her saliva out...

I miss having babies at home...I used to do those stuffs with auggy and ben ben...I miss spending time with them...I'm looking forward to doing that again with littly kitty...but that's only gonna happen when they come back for good next June...

I miss my baby boys...

I told you so...

Track of my tears...

I am never quite a big fan of the American Idol, neither am I a fan of this Adam Lambert guy...

but version he sang...it's nice and soothing...and that tinge of sadness...woo...




Smoky Robinson

~What if a person had cried so much that til you get up close to them and look at their face, you could see the tears and the tracks on their face~

It's done...

everything in one...

not alot but enough...

yup...enough...

They cheered me up...

They reminded me of my younger days...and they are only 3yo and 1yo...

Random....

Been having goldfish eyes for the past one week and this week started with me going to work with swollen eyes...

I literally had to try opening my eyes wide cos the upper eyelids just felt so swollen and heavy...

I'm glad little cutie pie wanted to work with me on Monday morning...he's really a smart boy who brightened up my day so so much...it's getting more fun to play and work with him nowadays...'Little elephant', thank you so much!

It's tiring...to try and stay sane...I'm perfectly fine in the day...but when I knock off...I just want to hide in my room...and often I would be bawling my eyes out cos things just keep flashing back and flooding my system...

Dreamt that I went out with him last night...when can I heal? When can I not cry anymore?

Hurt beyond words...

Yes, I've cried tonnes...I think since last Sept...then again last Xmas, and again in Jan and then now...

Yes, I dun have the right to cry tonnes in the first place...

I am not proud of what I've done...

Yes, I should have known it coming and be able to leave unconditionally...but part of me couldn't bear to let go...

Yes, I shouldn't have followed my heart, thinking or rather hoping things will be different this time round...

It's back to July 2007...

The only difference is, I dun think I need closure this time round...

You've shown me enough to know what to hope for...only to be disappointed over and over again...

You said you're glad to have shared your life with me...I wanted to reply 'me too'...but some things were just not good enough...

It was never good enough...

I'm sorry it turned out this way...

I miss...

you...

who once had such lovely smile and sunshine character,

who once so daring and opened to experience in life,

who once dared to really love and not afraid to hate those who did not deserve your love,

who once dipped into depression but emerged stronger,

who once was never as self centred as now,

who once was able to give so much more to friends around than ever,

where have you been all these while? when did I lose the sight of you and lost you completely?

how could I have allowed myself to lose you in the first place.

I think I lost you since last Sept...

I want you back...can you pls come back?

Mom asked...

'Why are your eyes swollen?'

'O, cos they've been quite itchy...'

I thought the shower would have do me good....I should have hid in my room longer...

why?

Tummy not feeling too good...

Had diarrhea last night...Now it's feeling weird again...on the right side somemore...wah lau...

Sigh, dun know what's wrong with me, I thought the break will do me good but I kept stepping the wrong foot out...it's either I overlooked or I was too blur and got things mixed up...got things worse...

Thought I'm less blur nowadays but I guess not...running around so many places makes me even more blur...is this signs of aging?

Sigh...

record....

stepped out of office at 930pm...reached home 1045pm...

had dinner at 11.05pm...

molded into the couch 1130pm...

finished another report 1230am...

probably gonna sleep without bathing...

two words...

wah kaoz...I feel damn tired and fat...

Chasing pavements

Heard of this song while watching the Grammy award and typing reports. I like her voice...think she's british as well...too bad Duffy lost to her...

Funny how I'm always drawn to songs like 'chasing cars'...and then this 'chasing pavements'...

The mtv is rather interesting...though I dun quite understand but thought it's something new, making use of the shadows to piece a story...cant load the mtv here...go search in youtube and take a look alright...



I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over,
If I'm wrong I am right,
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
I know this is love but,

If I tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And that's exactly what I need to do,
If I'm in love with you,

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up,
And fly around in circles,
Waiting as my heart drops,
And my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep on chasing pavements?
Should I just keep on chasing pavements?

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

Help...

I can't sleep...tired but can't sleep. Every corner I turn to I see couples, I see babies...

I see everything that I cannot handle and incapable of handling...

Everything...

I think I need...

a long...good...break...

but before I can do that...need to clear all my reports...sigh...no more new cases pls...suddenly I seemed to have more than I can handle...o no...

I AM SO TIRED....

need to stock up on Brown Brothers...I need them....argh....damn sian...

My bundle of joy...

is going back to Hongkong tomorrow...so sad...no more 'naughty gu gu' , no more 'bu yao, bu yao...'

Time flies...auggy is so big and round now...ben ben is so articulate now...they grow up so fast...I havent even had the chance to catch up with them yet...















pics below are taken after much coaxing and hair pulling...mainly mine...little mr opposite will keep saying he doesn't wanna take pics with me despite my plea....















He still didnt wanna take a proper pic with me...so i bodyslammed him...hahaha...














This was the best attempt I had with auggy...




























more of ben ben's photo in my nikon camera. This pic aint qutie just in proving his cuteness...cos both of us just woke up...hahaha...

Such a fucktard...

Third day of new year...man...just my luck...

I hate my natural reflex...I smile at elderly, I smile at babies, I smile at doggies even...

Should I walk past and not smiled, I think he would have not recognised me at all...

Freaky weird dun-know-what-to-do-but-to-smile moment...such a fucktard...

So many years of not crossing paths...we actually bummed into one another near my work place...

I need to learn the British royal smile...

One that shows you-dun-deserve-my-smile kinda smile...