happiness...

I had a GREAT time last night. Thanx to peifen, she was willing to be my faithful driver and drove me around to the places I told her so as to entertain ourselves...

First stop was prata at thomson...after eating the cripsy korsong prata there...we have decided to ditch jalan kayu prata place and fix thomson prata house as our supper cum hang out place in future...seriously, their prata and teh tarik taste so much better....

Second stop was Geylang...I seriously have nothing in mind and since we have car, might as well go drive through those lanes and look at the brothels and prostitutes...hmm...I have to say...it was alittle disappointing as we saw more guys than girls on the streets...the only thing that surprised me was how the brothels actually look like...woo..very nice purplish neon lights...poor peifen had to concentrate on driving while I went 'wah...look at that...wah look at the girls!!' ...so she didn't really get the chance to have a good look...hehe...o and we found out that lorong 18 is the busiest and most happening lanes out of the rest...haha....

Third stop was Changi village...yes...we went to see the she-males...sadly...not many of them too...not very pretty either...sigh so disappointing....hehe

Last stop...we went to T3 to have a hot drink...was just sitting there, talking, dazing, people watching...surprisingly I did find T3 super cold...unlike the first time when I just came back, complaining about it being so warm and stuffy...see...what has Singapore turned me into!

Anyway, we ended our driving trip at around 2 am...thank you peifen for being such a nice driver...I do look forward to you becoming my designated personal driver when you come back from nz...hehe..300 bucks okie?

As for today, had a fantastic time with my cousins and baby emma. We had a picnic at Botanical Garden. It was filled with food and laughters...very family feel kinda day for me...and it was extremely great that emma girl could join us...she's the queen of the day...all the attention was on her...like da jie said...ah yi and ah ping provided the food, I provided the snacks and she provided the entertainment ie. emma....haha...

Favourite picture of the day...














looking at this pic just melts my heart and it felt so real to me...if only...

All I want for birthday is...

my love ones by my side...

I was in Melbourne last year and my birthday was spent far away from those I love and so close with those I am fond of...I had a great time last year - rushing assignments and heading for this japanese restaurant to celebrate my day...it was wonderful!

This year, I am back to my family and close friends...I am back to the numerous dates, in which I will meet up with different peeps for a meal (or two) to celebrate my bday! Yippee! And it's gonna start this Sunday! My aunt gonna celebrate mothers' day alongside with my birthday...haha...

Okie okie, I still can put down my wish list for fun right...

1. teardrop shape pendent (preferably diamond)
2. guinea pig (preferably with cage and water dispenser =p )
3. OPI nail polish
4. plenty of accessories
5. new specs
6. new jeans
7. decent go-out-shoes (flip-flops not allowed, if not someone will scream at me)
8. booze (NO hard liquor! Missy's liver cannot take it! Wine pls!)
9. Ipod nano (purple)
10. big hardy bag

till I can think of more, I'll add on...as for now...I'm heading out for supper...yeah!

New haircut!

Finally I get my bob hairstyle!

Not that I got influenced by 'Bob the Builder' mind you ( although the music still plays in my mind, thanx to ben ben and auggy ).

Anyway, I always change my hairstyle (esp to cheer myself up) and this time round, it's bob with lighter brown! Yippee!

Time for a change, since my birthday is coming! So peeps...booking of Jayna starts now. With a goldfish brain like mine, you need to book me and make sure I note it down in my organizer or my handphone.

Birthday wish list will be up soon. For the fun of it that is...I understand it's recession now...anyway I usually wont get what I want...like the teardrop shape diamond pendent I've been looking for ages...

Wow...

I thought my life was drama enough, until I read this.

He reminded me of banker...I didn't know there are other guys like him...

Similar traits...two-timing or multiple timing, likes to play mind games and most importantly...one who lies ALOT to get his way through...

Perhaps my situation was not as bad, considering there is no kiddo in the picture to deal with...

While you took the convenient way to save yourself and lied your way through...

I have to learn to kill my own demons created while I was with you...

Pls protect your precious and make sure they dun end up with someone like yourself in future...

Out of the league...

Friendship...been thinking about it...

but I do have enough to sustain me for life...it's the kind that is with life time-warranty...so why toy with the thought...

I'm a wimp and I'm fragile...so better not touch this idea..

out of my league...definitely...

4 of us...

I so miss this feeling...like since I gotten back from Melbourne...I haven't quite gotten this feeling until tonight...thanx jessie for luring me out by changing the venue...

I miss hanging out with just the 4 of us...chilling, talking...and drinking too...

Just when I'm being engulf by those sadness that suddenly crept up, just when I am starting to feel tinge of sadness on my way home...

I'm glad we met up...I'm glad we talked...I'm glad we spent time...

Honestly, I miss you girls so so much...

I went to jog behind my house this evening...something rare...something I haven't quite done for a long long time...

The alone time was good...or so I thought I need it as I know I have to do something to pluck myself out of the mode...

But...it didn't seem good enough to stop them from flooding my system...

Should I establish the basis...maybe I'm just being afraid of letting it run loose...

Still picking up pieces when I thought I'm finally feeling better to move forward one baby step...

too many...too small...I am not sure how long will I need for this clean up...too many pieces to pick up...

Since feb...

My phone has been on silent mode for the longest time ever...since the night in which my mobile rang non-stop, I didn't dare to put the ringtone back...even till now...

I didn't want to talk to her, I won't know what to say except kept quiet...I don't have the right to say anything...that's the point...

Till today I wonder why I didn't tell her exactly what had happened...

I should have made you go through what I have gone through and still am going through...

Even then, you will never know the full extend...cos what you have will always be there, whereas mine will never be...

Crashing once again...

I'm not okie...

I said I am but I seriously am not...

You will never know the tears I've had since Sept...the very first time I called you while breaking down horribly in the bus was the very first of the many many episodes...did you feel my pain?

You will never know the fear I had everytime when you told me they have been read...did you know I was literally scared?

You will never know the torment I went through while I handled the aftermath on my own...did you know I thought of the many beautiful things that I actually have the abilities to become?

You will never know the guilt I had in covering up for you...did you know I hate to lie?

You will never know how not okie I am at this very moment...did you know I was pretty much getting better before you called?

You took me as an easy ride...I've let you taken me as the easy ride...did you know I was foolish enough to take your words for real?

Did you know?

Seeing stars...

The last time I had dizzy spell was three years back.

I still panicked when I started to see stars. I did tell myself to breathe and stay calm though but the more I breathe, the more stars I saw...No one gave up seat and me being me, I didn't ask for a seat to be given up cos I was too panicky to even talk.

Nearly fell backwards, good thing was I stood leaning against the door so I had some support at least. I could only squat down to prevent myself from falling front or back.

Sigh...fainting and breaking into cold sweat is so not fun. Not able to move much becos of acute pain in the abdominal and then cramp....

So not fun at all...

Baby blues...

I think I just found a new activity to do on Mondays that I'm off...playing with baby Emma...

Went to 2nd aunt's house today cos mom said baby Emma would be there as her mama and daddy pilot gotta fly around for the next day...

Got there at around noon time and there she was standing inside her playpen. Called her name at the gate and she smiled...such a cutie pie...

Spent the rest of the noon playing with her, cooing her to sleep...playing with her again when she woke up...being splattered with her saliva all over my face while she stuck out her tongue to blow her saliva out...

I miss having babies at home...I used to do those stuffs with auggy and ben ben...I miss spending time with them...I'm looking forward to doing that again with littly kitty...but that's only gonna happen when they come back for good next June...

I miss my baby boys...

I told you so...

Track of my tears...

I am never quite a big fan of the American Idol, neither am I a fan of this Adam Lambert guy...

but version he sang...it's nice and soothing...and that tinge of sadness...woo...




Smoky Robinson

~What if a person had cried so much that til you get up close to them and look at their face, you could see the tears and the tracks on their face~

It's done...

everything in one...

not alot but enough...

yup...enough...

They cheered me up...

They reminded me of my younger days...and they are only 3yo and 1yo...

Random....

Been having goldfish eyes for the past one week and this week started with me going to work with swollen eyes...

I literally had to try opening my eyes wide cos the upper eyelids just felt so swollen and heavy...

I'm glad little cutie pie wanted to work with me on Monday morning...he's really a smart boy who brightened up my day so so much...it's getting more fun to play and work with him nowadays...'Little elephant', thank you so much!

It's tiring...to try and stay sane...I'm perfectly fine in the day...but when I knock off...I just want to hide in my room...and often I would be bawling my eyes out cos things just keep flashing back and flooding my system...

Dreamt that I went out with him last night...when can I heal? When can I not cry anymore?

Hurt beyond words...

Yes, I've cried tonnes...I think since last Sept...then again last Xmas, and again in Jan and then now...

Yes, I dun have the right to cry tonnes in the first place...

I am not proud of what I've done...

Yes, I should have known it coming and be able to leave unconditionally...but part of me couldn't bear to let go...

Yes, I shouldn't have followed my heart, thinking or rather hoping things will be different this time round...

It's back to July 2007...

The only difference is, I dun think I need closure this time round...

You've shown me enough to know what to hope for...only to be disappointed over and over again...

You said you're glad to have shared your life with me...I wanted to reply 'me too'...but some things were just not good enough...

It was never good enough...

I'm sorry it turned out this way...

I miss...

you...

who once had such lovely smile and sunshine character,

who once so daring and opened to experience in life,

who once dared to really love and not afraid to hate those who did not deserve your love,

who once dipped into depression but emerged stronger,

who once was never as self centred as now,

who once was able to give so much more to friends around than ever,

where have you been all these while? when did I lose the sight of you and lost you completely?

how could I have allowed myself to lose you in the first place.

I think I lost you since last Sept...

I want you back...can you pls come back?

Mom asked...

'Why are your eyes swollen?'

'O, cos they've been quite itchy...'

I thought the shower would have do me good....I should have hid in my room longer...

why?

Tummy not feeling too good...

Had diarrhea last night...Now it's feeling weird again...on the right side somemore...wah lau...

Sigh, dun know what's wrong with me, I thought the break will do me good but I kept stepping the wrong foot out...it's either I overlooked or I was too blur and got things mixed up...got things worse...

Thought I'm less blur nowadays but I guess not...running around so many places makes me even more blur...is this signs of aging?

Sigh...