They cheered me up...

They reminded me of my younger days...and they are only 3yo and 1yo...

Random....

Been having goldfish eyes for the past one week and this week started with me going to work with swollen eyes...

I literally had to try opening my eyes wide cos the upper eyelids just felt so swollen and heavy...

I'm glad little cutie pie wanted to work with me on Monday morning...he's really a smart boy who brightened up my day so so much...it's getting more fun to play and work with him nowadays...'Little elephant', thank you so much!

It's tiring...to try and stay sane...I'm perfectly fine in the day...but when I knock off...I just want to hide in my room...and often I would be bawling my eyes out cos things just keep flashing back and flooding my system...

Dreamt that I went out with him last night...when can I heal? When can I not cry anymore?

Hurt beyond words...

Yes, I've cried tonnes...I think since last Sept...then again last Xmas, and again in Jan and then now...

Yes, I dun have the right to cry tonnes in the first place...

I am not proud of what I've done...

Yes, I should have known it coming and be able to leave unconditionally...but part of me couldn't bear to let go...

Yes, I shouldn't have followed my heart, thinking or rather hoping things will be different this time round...

It's back to July 2007...

The only difference is, I dun think I need closure this time round...

You've shown me enough to know what to hope for...only to be disappointed over and over again...

You said you're glad to have shared your life with me...I wanted to reply 'me too'...but some things were just not good enough...

It was never good enough...

I'm sorry it turned out this way...

I miss...

you...

who once had such lovely smile and sunshine character,

who once so daring and opened to experience in life,

who once dared to really love and not afraid to hate those who did not deserve your love,

who once dipped into depression but emerged stronger,

who once was never as self centred as now,

who once was able to give so much more to friends around than ever,

where have you been all these while? when did I lose the sight of you and lost you completely?

how could I have allowed myself to lose you in the first place.

I think I lost you since last Sept...

I want you back...can you pls come back?

Mom asked...

'Why are your eyes swollen?'

'O, cos they've been quite itchy...'

I thought the shower would have do me good....I should have hid in my room longer...

why?

Tummy not feeling too good...

Had diarrhea last night...Now it's feeling weird again...on the right side somemore...wah lau...

Sigh, dun know what's wrong with me, I thought the break will do me good but I kept stepping the wrong foot out...it's either I overlooked or I was too blur and got things mixed up...got things worse...

Thought I'm less blur nowadays but I guess not...running around so many places makes me even more blur...is this signs of aging?

Sigh...

record....

stepped out of office at 930pm...reached home 1045pm...

had dinner at 11.05pm...

molded into the couch 1130pm...

finished another report 1230am...

probably gonna sleep without bathing...

two words...

wah kaoz...I feel damn tired and fat...

Chasing pavements

Heard of this song while watching the Grammy award and typing reports. I like her voice...think she's british as well...too bad Duffy lost to her...

Funny how I'm always drawn to songs like 'chasing cars'...and then this 'chasing pavements'...

The mtv is rather interesting...though I dun quite understand but thought it's something new, making use of the shadows to piece a story...cant load the mtv here...go search in youtube and take a look alright...



I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over,
If I'm wrong I am right,
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
I know this is love but,

If I tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And that's exactly what I need to do,
If I'm in love with you,

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up,
And fly around in circles,
Waiting as my heart drops,
And my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep on chasing pavements?
Should I just keep on chasing pavements?

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

Help...

I can't sleep...tired but can't sleep. Every corner I turn to I see couples, I see babies...

I see everything that I cannot handle and incapable of handling...

Everything...

I think I need...

a long...good...break...

but before I can do that...need to clear all my reports...sigh...no more new cases pls...suddenly I seemed to have more than I can handle...o no...

I AM SO TIRED....

need to stock up on Brown Brothers...I need them....argh....damn sian...

My bundle of joy...

is going back to Hongkong tomorrow...so sad...no more 'naughty gu gu' , no more 'bu yao, bu yao...'

Time flies...auggy is so big and round now...ben ben is so articulate now...they grow up so fast...I havent even had the chance to catch up with them yet...















pics below are taken after much coaxing and hair pulling...mainly mine...little mr opposite will keep saying he doesn't wanna take pics with me despite my plea....















He still didnt wanna take a proper pic with me...so i bodyslammed him...hahaha...














This was the best attempt I had with auggy...




























more of ben ben's photo in my nikon camera. This pic aint qutie just in proving his cuteness...cos both of us just woke up...hahaha...

Such a fucktard...

Third day of new year...man...just my luck...

I hate my natural reflex...I smile at elderly, I smile at babies, I smile at doggies even...

Should I walk past and not smiled, I think he would have not recognised me at all...

Freaky weird dun-know-what-to-do-but-to-smile moment...such a fucktard...

So many years of not crossing paths...we actually bummed into one another near my work place...

I need to learn the British royal smile...

One that shows you-dun-deserve-my-smile kinda smile...

High high high...

New Year Eve

Had sore throat and ran a fever from morning till night. It was horrible...I slept through the whole day, feeling pathetic and missing out on the yearly Chinatown midnight shopping...sigh that's the usual highlight of my lunar new year man...

Dun think I ate more than 3 meals since last night...

No doc for me to see...this close to wanna go A & E...

Luckily I still have lovely frens who showered me with love, msges and calls...

ARGH!!!!

I HATE IT!

HATE IT!

HATE IT!

HATE IT!

I hate this self loathing feeling. I'm this close to hitting the roof and kill myself while smacking my brain out on the ceiling.

This close!

Facing Window...

Five years since I last caught this. I still love it. Almost forgotten the story line...

This time round, tinge of sadness was evoked rather than the previous just/unjust feeling...

In the end, it doesn't matter the choice you make. Just make sure you can live with it for the rest of your life...

random thoughts...

He was so good today, didn't yank my hair, didn't hit me in the chest either.

Instead, he gave me a little peck on my cheek =)

That's enough to warm my heart. I wish he can stay that way all the time, I wish I can get through to him and into his world...

Goldfish eyes...again...

Behind my house

Alone in the middle of the night

Fireworks, I exploded like one...

Colourful night...

working late...

Worked in the office till late today. I had kids till 6.30...I typed reports till 8.45...

Am the last to lock up the office, the last to go home...

I kind of enjoy typing the stuffs alone in the office...freaky it might be (this time round there is no techno toy fish singing in the cupboard) but it's starting to feel like a second home to me...

Starting to learn not to let the loneliness and emptiness affect me...drowning myself in reports seems to work just fine for me...

No more crying...climbing out of the pit hole requires so much strength...no point wasting more energy on generating tears...I'm good on my own...at least for now I am...

Passing the parcel...

Our beloved Sze is finally 27 yo! As requested by the birthday boy, we went to bukeroo for western food. As usual, we were late and by the time we've reached, I was so exhausted that I felt like sleeping.

It was a good dinner =) Just 8 of us with a hearty meal. O well, we had a fair share of food and I had my beef-craving satisfied (although I did feel like puking beef cos was filled to the brim but it was good stuff!). It warmed my heart that we can just sit around, talk, joke, cut up the food and pass it to one another...the sharing part was fun and funny. The singing of birthday song and cake cutting was fun too. I realise being 27 means your cake will be covered with candles...damn...that make me feel so darn old...can I request to have only one candle on my cake for my birthday?

Went to sembawang beach after dinner, stood there for awhile and it felt good...Haven't stood by the beach with the breeze blowing at my face for a long long time...after that, it's guitar hero time at gage's house...

O forgot to mention, aside from food that we passed around...flu bug was another thing that was passed around during dinner...I ended up with my nose running like tap and being slightly feverish...

The night ended with 5 of us grooving in the car with Kylie's songs and 3 ppl sneezing all the way....fun eh...ho ho ho

time for new year resolution??

So fast....it's been a year since I last had the costume party, stink up Peifen's car with char kwey tiao, or rather all the oily food bought from chomp chomp and of cos, made my pals finish up the 2 weird bottles of wine that had residue in them (without telling them it's been kept for like ages...plus the fact that I only brought it out when most of us were half sober...)

This year, we spent our new year eve at ck's house with awesome shabu shabu and nicer wines to go with...although we still have to drink with residual of the cork in wine due to malfunction or the wine opener...haha...but at least it beats having to drink weird wines...

Time flies...last year this time I was alone in Singapore, on vacation and waiting to fly to HongKong to meet up with my family. Last year this time I think I was happier and more carefree...

This year, I gotta make sure I can...
~get rid of that flabby tummy of mine and perk up the body system so that I dun fall sick so often..
~earn more and save more money so that I can pay all my bills and my loan on time...
~pass basic theory, advance theory and eventually driving test (Think it will be a long process)
~be happier and more open with my emotions...
~be more hardworking and less procrastination...
~swear lesser...hahaha...

I will get better...definitely...and to all who love me...thank you so much for being there for me all these while...muack...love ya!