mentally wasnt feeling that well...may be due to the lack of sleep...cos thurs nite was rushing report like mad....only slept for 3 hours and i'm off to schl...
lack of sleep...makes me cranky...
realise i've depend too much on ppl around me esp my parents...been depending on them to gimme allowance...depending on my dad to drive me to schl...depending on them to understand that i need to get away from singapore for my hols before i go crazy...
shouldnt have given up tuition back then...how naive i am to think that my dad will give me allowance without complaining about it...no doubt i may spend a little too much...but have been cutting down on expenses...
it just sickens me that at age 22 i have to justify to them what i spend on..explain why i need the money...i hate to beg...but i hve to cos i'm totally dependent on them financially...it makes me feel so useless and incapable...
have been so eadgy since last nite...simple comments by my dad made me cry...although perhaps he didnt mean it...wat he said really put me into thinking...i'm expecting too much from them...parents at their age should be pampering themselves and enjoying their lives instead of providing for me...
i've always linked dependency to weakness....and ironically... i often fall into this comfort zone subconciously...until one day like yesterday when things happened and it hit me in the head telling me i should wake up and stop being a baby...
who can i depend on? myself...
others will always have the choice to reject u when they wan to...so if u're at the level where dependency is fully established...u'll juz crash and burn when they choose not to help u anymore...or that u realise u need to beg in order to get wat u wan...how pathetic....
hate being the weak me...i hate to cry...i've cried too much during that 2 years...and i told myself dun fucking cry anymore.....
or perhaps i've been conditioned since young that crying equals to being weak...yet i yearn to cry sometimes to let out my emotions...this kinda struggle always put me into situation where i wanna cry but no tears come out...or eventually if i do cry...i cant stop...
sigh...freaking tired...cant type anymore...juz freaking tired...
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Monday, February 21, 2005
new year, v day, being wacked day...
new year came and passed...collected ang baos...received quite abit of money...yeah good good cos i'm so darn broke...
didn't do much this year...visitings to relatives house were done in the first day...pretty fun...went ktv with my parents, aunt, uncle and cousins...had so much fun...think it's the first time i ever sang in front of my parents and with them too...really enjoyed myself...and i think they had fun too...though the karaoke system is a littlt too complicated for them to use when selecting the songs...
then it's v-day...planned to spend more time together during weekend but couldn't do so due to some reasons...it's okie...instead we had dinner at fish & co on monday...pretty fun...cos i made mr H carry something that he wouldn't wanna carry around...haha too bad...gotta be sabotaged by me...after dinner we juz head home loh...simple lah but good enough for me...
wednesday....being wacked by my junior on the forehead..and it's with the racquet...had a cut at the eyebrown area and a bum too...now my eyelid is bruised...goodness...so damn ugly...dark circles are bad enough..now this bruise...yucks...and it's turning greenish blue...-_- having been icing it...dun even dare to rub...darn pain!
okie it's been quite awhile since i update my blog...sorry arh...busy with schl and squash...fri was the worst...cos i practically travel from schl to tampines...eve's house to do home modification...then back to schl to attend a concert...by the time i reached schl...the concert had ended...tried to rush back as soon as i could cos i promised my fren i'll attend it...but i ended up missing it...could only talk to her after the concert ended...at least i made it back lah...so sorry i missed it angie...
was really zombiefied on my way home...by the time i reached home...i was too tired to move and ended up sleeping on the floor till1 am cos i havent bathed yet so didnt wanna stink my bed...was really gone this time round...minus the alcohol though...haha
attachment is out for me...will be posted to jurong child development unit...uh dunno where is it...if i'm not wrong it should be at jurong polyclinic...which is near NUH.... which mean i'll have to travel from one end to another everyday!!!! 4 hours of travelling at least...o my...sure dead tired one...but then at least i'm in pediatrics this time round...and did i mention that i'm alone for this placement...uh..okie lah...bo bian...
read-with-me prog is back...if i were to go for it...that means every sat i'll go read-with-me at 915am....then head for training from 12-5pm....-_- very fun hor...ppl dun even work full day on sat...arh...
okie i need to work on my report...have been procrastinating for freaking long liao....
ppl pls take care...weather very hot...so drink more water!
didn't do much this year...visitings to relatives house were done in the first day...pretty fun...went ktv with my parents, aunt, uncle and cousins...had so much fun...think it's the first time i ever sang in front of my parents and with them too...really enjoyed myself...and i think they had fun too...though the karaoke system is a littlt too complicated for them to use when selecting the songs...
then it's v-day...planned to spend more time together during weekend but couldn't do so due to some reasons...it's okie...instead we had dinner at fish & co on monday...pretty fun...cos i made mr H carry something that he wouldn't wanna carry around...haha too bad...gotta be sabotaged by me...after dinner we juz head home loh...simple lah but good enough for me...
wednesday....being wacked by my junior on the forehead..and it's with the racquet...had a cut at the eyebrown area and a bum too...now my eyelid is bruised...goodness...so damn ugly...dark circles are bad enough..now this bruise...yucks...and it's turning greenish blue...-_- having been icing it...dun even dare to rub...darn pain!
okie it's been quite awhile since i update my blog...sorry arh...busy with schl and squash...fri was the worst...cos i practically travel from schl to tampines...eve's house to do home modification...then back to schl to attend a concert...by the time i reached schl...the concert had ended...tried to rush back as soon as i could cos i promised my fren i'll attend it...but i ended up missing it...could only talk to her after the concert ended...at least i made it back lah...so sorry i missed it angie...
was really zombiefied on my way home...by the time i reached home...i was too tired to move and ended up sleeping on the floor till1 am cos i havent bathed yet so didnt wanna stink my bed...was really gone this time round...minus the alcohol though...haha
attachment is out for me...will be posted to jurong child development unit...uh dunno where is it...if i'm not wrong it should be at jurong polyclinic...which is near NUH.... which mean i'll have to travel from one end to another everyday!!!! 4 hours of travelling at least...o my...sure dead tired one...but then at least i'm in pediatrics this time round...and did i mention that i'm alone for this placement...uh..okie lah...bo bian...
read-with-me prog is back...if i were to go for it...that means every sat i'll go read-with-me at 915am....then head for training from 12-5pm....-_- very fun hor...ppl dun even work full day on sat...arh...
okie i need to work on my report...have been procrastinating for freaking long liao....
ppl pls take care...weather very hot...so drink more water!
Monday, February 07, 2005
sleepy but cant sleep...
perhaps it's the coffee...perhaps it's my brain...need to sort things thru my mind...havent been putting my best effort in schl work...deadlines are coming up and i'm still procrastinating...guess i'll need to do my work during cny...
sometimes i wonder wat lies ahead for me...i seem to know where i'm heading to yet i feel clueless at times...
am i good enough to be an OT? am i good enough to be the captain? am i good enough as a student? am i good enough as a classmate? am i good enough as a friend? am i good enough as a lover?how come i seem to be inadequate in all the areas...
sometimes i wonder wat lies ahead for me...i seem to know where i'm heading to yet i feel clueless at times...
am i good enough to be an OT? am i good enough to be the captain? am i good enough as a student? am i good enough as a classmate? am i good enough as a friend? am i good enough as a lover?how come i seem to be inadequate in all the areas...
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
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i need to buck up
so stupid...kena first warning by this nursing lecturer for wearing slippers...-_- students...wat they want us to wear...i dun wear make up to sch neither do i wear heels...why fault me for wearing something comfortable...rigid old mind...
went to visit eve today after ee zu let us off...so poor thing...worried for her man...
but she seemed quite alright...was sleeping soundly when we visited her...bought her a small little balloon..haha hopefully it cheered her up...at least she is still joking with us when we're there...
surprisingly...hua beng appeared too...juz when we were speculating whether he'll coms visit eve...he appeared at the door...wah not bad to have such nice lecturer...haha...really nice of him to pay a visit..at least he reassured eve upon her cirriculum...
after that...i followed the girls to arab street to buy their materials...mm...never been there before..pretty interesting...wrapping papers there are selling real cheap....
went bugis for a walk...still didnt see clothes that i wan...sian...
have to go back to schl for squash in the evening...feel like crying while i was in the train heading to raffles place...dunno why...mb i'm feeling abit drained...yah think once again i feel like screaming my head off...sigh...i wanna go somewhere...a corner to hide so that no one can find me...
need to bathe...feel so unhealthy...had my dinner at 10...fat ass....
went to visit eve today after ee zu let us off...so poor thing...worried for her man...
but she seemed quite alright...was sleeping soundly when we visited her...bought her a small little balloon..haha hopefully it cheered her up...at least she is still joking with us when we're there...
surprisingly...hua beng appeared too...juz when we were speculating whether he'll coms visit eve...he appeared at the door...wah not bad to have such nice lecturer...haha...really nice of him to pay a visit..at least he reassured eve upon her cirriculum...
after that...i followed the girls to arab street to buy their materials...mm...never been there before..pretty interesting...wrapping papers there are selling real cheap....
went bugis for a walk...still didnt see clothes that i wan...sian...
have to go back to schl for squash in the evening...feel like crying while i was in the train heading to raffles place...dunno why...mb i'm feeling abit drained...yah think once again i feel like screaming my head off...sigh...i wanna go somewhere...a corner to hide so that no one can find me...
need to bathe...feel so unhealthy...had my dinner at 10...fat ass....
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