tired...have been sleeping less than 5 hours daily since the start of this week. test is over so i'll have to focus on the assignments coming along...

it's either my period is coming or i'm juz pure emotional...i acutally feel like crying and screaming my head off...too many things on hand and too little time to complete them...i actually feel like slapping ppl; holding them on the shoulders and shaking their heads off violently...not that i have any grudge against them...it's juz that the tot of it somehow helps de-stress me abit...u know like ally mcbeal...everything only happen in my brain...

lately have been stoning alot...as if living in my own world...cant seem to connect with things or ppl around me...it's like i'm fading off...slowly...mb eventually when i really do fade off no one will know...young environment...fun...cheery...but competitive and tiring too...guess i'm too old for it...or i simply has no abilities to keep up to it...

perhaps the barrier i built didnt allow me to connect with ppl around me...i make new friends, i can chat with them and i like them too...but somehow i juz feel something is lacking...something wrong with me...

head is really heavy now...felt it being hammered in the noon...sharp pain...but temporary...perhaps it's telling me to rest....

midnight...

was walking home alone from sengkang back to punggol at 1230am...took me 30 min to reach home....
one thing is that there isnt any more bus service back home...another thing is i juz wanna walk...alone...at night...

quiet nite...cooling...listening to my receiver and walking....felt relaxed and at ease....a peaceful feeling that i have no idea how to put across....yah a little dangerous mb...but there's no one on the streets except cars, me and my music....nice....

havent been walking that route lately...kinda missed it...passed the flyover; watched the cars drove by...reminded me of something in the past.....

a walk like this always manage to calm me down and pacify my distress....therapeutic sia...haha...yah only for me...

tomolo watching movie at art house...yeah....

faith...

squash tornament ended today...players did great job! am really proud of them...though we may not be top 4...still we proved that we work as a team...

havent got the chance to mention bout sat's event...the yr 3 of OT students organised the sports day for the SPD ppl....we as yr 2 and yr 1 students got to help out....

really fun event...had fun fair and sports game for the physically disabled and intellectually disabled ppl....so fun! seeing them enjoy themselves made me feel that the time spent was so worth it...

was in charged of low functioning intellectually disabled clients....they can be really cute and smiley; naughty and playful; bad temper and throwing tantrum occasionally...intereacting with them really open my eyes...cant say i know how to deal with them totally...but at least i feel comfortable around them=)

okie...today went to IMH...for visit k...not to admit there...went with lecturer and classmates over to have a look in how OT has helped mentally ill patients...interesting visit....enriching..

after the session had ended...my project group mates stayed over in IMH's cafeteria to have discussion....o my goodness...we're really surrounded by whole lot of mentally ill patients...one kind of experience man....this india guy even came over and introduce himself...telling us he's a schizophrenic patient who stayed in IMH for 15 yrs...not that we're scared or anything...but juz dun understand how come they can walk around out of their wards...

a friend asked me...dun u pity these mentally ill ppl??? well...why should i? like i said...these ppl have had enough stigma and pity for as long as they had their illness...what they need is faith from us...why place emphasis in pitying them when we could have done something more productive with them...

not sure since when i have this thought...be it mentally ill pt ; SCI pt; cerebral palsy kids ; intellectually disabled pt...they're like angels with broken wings, sent down to let us know that the world is imperfect and never take things for granted...

it's juz a thought...

freak....

i need recognition...
i need a pat on the shoulder...
i need assurance...
i need security...
i need support...
i need control...
i need friendship...

i dun need a lover...
i dun need sarcasm...
i dun need laziness...
i dun need hypocrites...
i dun need stupidity...

i juz wan a hug...is that too much to ask for?

happy sha la la la.....

am so happy....today's matches are good...the guys and the gals....everyone is so excited esp for the gals team against tp...and i'm so glad that we beat them

o man...my heart was beating so damn hard when i saw them play...such tough fights but they did so well...really deserved it...

i love the team spirit...not only the team players but the club members who are cheering as well...love them so much man...

another match on thurs...i hope they'll carry on the fighting spirit!

All the best!

back on my feet

alright...fri has finally came...
have never felt as tensed up before as today...had discussions one after another...have notices of deadline for various reports and presentations...
great thing was that i get to go out with this fren whom i knew thru the camp previously...he's cool...and fun to talk with...asked me some questions that i'm too brain dead to come out with proper ans...alittel too stoney becos toooooo lacked of sleep! still it's pretty interesting to converse with someone who is younger and of other culture.

something that we chatted about...simplistic person that he hopes to find as his companion...rem i made a remark...if only things around us are that simple...i guess ppl will be as simple too and there won't be so much conflicts among one another...u'll realise the older u grow...the more complex things around us seems to become...welcome to adult world...o well hopefully he'll find a simple gal...then he'll be a really lucky fellow...

felt so relaxed and calm to talk and juz bump around...after whole day of being hectic...i really need that...so i truly appreciate the company...

alright...sat....bloddy bloody tired.....wanted to skipped read-with-me prog...but then...the children's faces started poping out in my mind...so in the end i went...and boy...they're still as cute as ever...never fail to amaze me...they may be kids with some deficits but...but their innocence will always be something that touches me...and their smiles...haha definitely make my day...i love to see this particular kid smile...so sweet! considering he used to cry all the time when he comes...it's really nice to see him smile...and this timid gal who smiles the most when she sees her mother...cute!

next week last lesson with them...mm...quite fast eh...

went out to lunch after the volunteer work...with jiarong...hai yo this guy ah...never seem to change...still as happy go lucky as ever....always makes me laugh like hyena whenever he fills me with his absurd ideas...this time round..it's about the sorta wife he wanna get..-__-"someone who is motherly...o man...can't stand him! haha...wonder when he'll grow up...mentally i mean...physically he's already like a gaint...hehe

alright...long winded eh...after lunch went squash...fun..though have to 'fight' for courts...ran more this time round...played few games with the gals and guy...not bad...enjoyed myself alot! muah haha....will challange them again next week....

dinner...went to buy cake for vicky...simple celebration this yr...no more helium birhtday song...haha...o man i miss those times...still rem singing 'i will survive' in that sorta ducky voice in front of the vcam...haha...hilarious...try it if u can...really entertaining...

gtg sleep...nite~

i think i need waterfall....or my regular LIT....

for those who understand the heading....haha u know wat i mean...shh...

yes tomolo is fri...finally i can rest a little bit...been sleeping late for all the 5 days...am trying to pushed myself to do the stuff...sometimes sleeping can be so waste of time..but i can't say i can do without it...

i know i'm tired but somehow i'm like nuts...keep pushing myself all the time...i wanna know to what extend i can push my limit to...or perhaps i'm juz trying to prove something...

i wanna be simple minded or i tot i am one...but actual fact... my thoughts are always complex, contradicting, cynical...

i wanna type more...but brain not working le...so nitenite

pissed off with myself

am fucking pissed off now...with myself...dun feel like talking...
what's wrong with me...watever i do it all turn out wrong...
starting to doubt my capabilities...
can i do it or can i not...
i hate regrets and i hate history to repeat itself...but whenever shit happens i'll start to contemplate the decision i've made...
i tried to be as strong as i can all these while...
i really cant afford to collapse at this point...
no one knows how much effort i put in to pull myself out from the shit i went thru before
who can i lean on if i ever gone down again...
myself? God? friends? parents?
i feel so tired...mentally...

funny conversation

was chatting with yk last nite...was telling me some cases that he encounter in phone counselling...came across something that i couldnt help laughing....it's the way he try to explain things to me...damn funny...here goes our chatting....

yk: orh...encountered some guys who called thru the line and tell us ridiculous things...

me: uh wat ridiculous things?

yk: usually caller will call and say they have relationships with 20 men..or some guy will call in and say he jerked off in his sis's room...all very exaggerated one...

me: uh jerked off?means???

yk:......(super long pause k)
ehh well...which is the biggest room in ur flat?

me: uh masterbed room lo...

yk: uh huh...u minus the word room...
ta da u'll get the meaning of jerk off...

Yah that's basically it...-__-''... i was like laughing my head off..he could have saved all the trouble and tell me straight away wat it means....never fail to make me laugh man...come to think of it...i should have answered him living room instead of masterbed room...then i'll see how he's going to explain to me about that...hahaha....

yeah i'm finally done with my report...did it from 4pm all the way till sun set...hai damn slow...should speed up my pace man...at least now one load off my back...yeah!

tomolo is the IVP for our squash...it's gonna be tough fight but i'm sure our players can do it...go with open mind and do ya best...=)

my room has been in a mess since....dunno when...am the most untidy gal...haha think it'll be worst with all the reports to do...mm...i did clean up but it juz went back to that messy state...too bad lo...

o yah gina coming nyp for a 3 months course...so exciting...can finally meetup with her for lunch! haha it's been like 4 yrs since we last studied together in nyjc..now we can be school mates again..hahalucky lady...hopefully this coming job will be a good one for her...on the other hand...she can always stay home and be tai tai...haha guess we've all had this idea that she'll be a housewife once she get married....

alright...i gotta go bathe...need a hot bath...if only my toilet has bath tub too...that'll be superb...ha ciao~

one week gone...argh....

great....my one week hols juz zoom past me like that...gotta rush my counselling report...am so dead again...once this hols end...it'll mean endless assigments and project work...did i say i used to hate project work...but somehow i prefer it more than reports now...ugrh...

went for a camp on mon and tue...pretty interesting...second day was more fun...cos my team can work better together....we actually enjoyed ourselves more without all the conflicts and struggles....it happened during day 1...and i was quite taken aback...

Few things happened...
1. swam for the first time in nyp pool...

2. slipped by the pool side...damn stupid and embarassing...cos i was practically on my back...like an old lady...sooo malu...my only concern-my back, luckily it wasnt a hard fall..if not i'll get another fracture again...

3. gotten pushed into the pool by my facilitators...have yet to revenge =p

4. made new frens in my team...soo happy to know them...facilitators included...haha

5. china guy in my team actaully said my chinese not bad...hoho havent hear that for a long time...happy...

6. first time i host a short performance...uh i tend to stammer whenever i have to speak in english in front of whole lot of ppl...good that it didnt happen~ phew~

7. didnt know i can run that fast.....sprinting is so not my cup of tea....nearly died after the run...haha...man i rather jog 8 rounds than sprint 400m.....

8. i thought my patience is getting shorter and shorter...in fact it's still there...and stretched too...think this thing comes along with age...ha....

it's memorable for me...cos i seldom get to participate in this kinda camp...ppl i intereact with never fail to amaze me with their capabilities.....


after camp, was slacking at home...studying for basic theory...should have gone for the bike one...cos bro say if i gotten the lisence for it he'll buy me a bike....haha wonder if he'll keep to his words...=p at the most i drive dad's bike....

thurs went out for ppr discussion....so fun...am going to film something again...hopefully it wont take long...went out shopping with ck then...bought a top and he ended up buying more than me...how unfair is that....but babe...thanx for coming down to accompany me despite u lacking of sleep....muack...thank u.....still think it's funny...the way we chatted that day...hee...

okie i seriously need to sleep...nite everyone.....yd, papa ng and vicky and adrian...meet up soon....muack!