Whoop Whoop!

Heading to Japan for Xmas and New Year!

I wanna meet handsome Japanese boys! Will be even better if I can meet any one of the members of SMAP! hahahaha...

For the coming year, please give me strength to end whatever I need to end and to start afresh. Things are starting to fade, which is good I think. I dun get angry as much, I dun mind things that happened or not happened as much. I am starting to focus on myself more, perhaps not good enough in terms of loving myself more but I am getting there.

I will try to love myself more for 2012. I have to love myself more!

Standard Chartered Marathon 2011

Yes! I did it!

I did the first marathon of my life! Leg-breaking event...totally!

Alot of things went through my mind during this gruesome 42km run. At certain points, I really wanna cry cos it was just so so so lonely to run-walk on my own without any one to pull me along or push me ahead. But I still made it.

If I can do this thing alone, I think I can do anything alone =)

Most miserable weekends ever...it wasn't even fever..it's just endless itch. So bad that I dun even have the appetite for dinner and just popped the pills and slept thru my Saturday night.

Come to think of it, I dun know how I managed to pull thru Sat with back to back schedule. It's was the most tiring day ever. I've never dreaded work more. The fight against the drowsiness of the anti-histamine was really challenging. I could literally feel when the effects of the drug happened and when it started to tapper off...

Never have I felt so down and alone, itching and watching tv alone in the dark living room, hoping for the meds to work and stop the outbreak. I guess that's how single hood feel afterall....you're sick, you take care of yourself or wallow in your misery till you recover and is well enough to find the fun you should have in life...and the cycle goes on...

Sunday was bad...I was still itching and craved for more rest. But I had to help my mom deal with the two kiddos at home. It felt like I'm working overtime. I adore my nephews and niece but it's time like this that I want someone else to be keep an eye on them just for that little while. I tried to manage them as much so that my mom could cook the meals. Not fun when I had to manage the whiny girl and the fidgety Auggy who kept squashing me, treating me as his judo buddy and making me itch even more. I felt like screaming at my brother for all these but I couldn't cos I know he was equally tied up and tired. But I couldnt help but think the arrangement could have been better on his side at least.

Sometimes I ask myself - why am I trying so hard when obviously no one is appreciating it.

Sigh...

Exhausted

Wednesday felt like a Saturday. It was packed to the brim, with 15 minutes of lunch break. I had to run for toilet breaks. I had to gobble down my breakfast in the morning and gobble down my lunch in 15. Had 3 coffees to keep myself up...Stayed up till 3 am trying to finish up my report.

Thursday was just as tiring. I have a new driving instructor now, though I'm still gonna miss the fatherly big belly instructor. So happy that this instructor is with 12 years teaching experience and able to point out my mistakes without sarcasms. Nice papa figure to talk to as well. Phew, so glad...

Ended the day with someone fetching me home despite being really tired. So so so touched. Appreciate the effort and the nice-to-see-you-though msg.

Gonna try to finish up my report and then peace out~

Sunday pls come soon....

From being very happy and enthusiastic in the morning to feeling tired and disappointed at night...this is not how I want my night to end...

Either I am borderline biopolar or that I am expecting the wrong thing from the wrong person yet again...

Love is...

Staying up at night to get the herbs cooked for your partner because she was running a fever...

Fetching your troublesome daughter to the doctor and having lunch with her...



I missed riding on daddy's bike. Sitting behind him made me realized how much he has aged. I missed spending time with him alone...

Pissed not because you nagged at me but because you're telling or rather complaining to me about something I didn't do and something I have been telling you guys to be careful about especially with the last fall you had. And now you're telling me we have a serious problem because the kiddos slipped and fell?!!

I have been telling you guys to get the non slip mats after you broke your wrist in the toilet while I was in Aussie, you refused to get it cos you felt it's unnecessary and troublesome. Now you come and tell me to do my freaking part to mop the floor after my shower?!

You know I always do my part at home - make sure the switches are off before I leave the house; mop the toilet floor after I shower so that none of you will slip...for the record I even made my ex mop the floor every single time after he showered!

I am pissed becos you guys like to wait till accident happen then do something about it and for this case - auggy and kitty slipped and fell in the toilet cos their dad forgotten to mop the floor after shower!!!

None of you wanna listened to me...what more do you want me to say?!! Urgh!!!

Cannot deny that I am a tad touched by your gestures...

The amount of effort and the level of attentiveness...

Thanx for letting me know that I'm still worth the time and energy...

Officially hate weddings....especially those that involve relatives...

It's a constant reminder of my age and my failure to sustain any of my relationships well enough to make it to the alter....

It sux...big time...

My only consolation is that I have my nephews and niece to tend to so that I dun have to be questioned by my aunts and uncles...at least not directly all the time...

It's funny how some of them dun even know my occupation but care enough to wanna know when I'm gonna get hitched...sigh....

I'll be better...I hope...eventually I will be...

I know I dun have the right to be angry with anyone except myself..cos I have been the one who made the choice for everything that has happened...

I'll be better...I promise...

I couldn't shake it off...

The jog was good...appreciate the talking and the company...

The ikea and giant shopping was good...i really had fun and laughed a lot as I goofed around...

Here I am, after two glasses of whites and still awake, asking myself why do I give in so much. Why do I have to be so nice as to plan and initiate the no-contact break in such a way that the other party will feel less of the pinch while being away having fun checking in places with the girl he had crush on...why did I even bother to partially sponsor the early bday pressie, knowing that the girl will probably be in most of the pics taken...

Why do I allow myself to be the one dealing with all these emotional turmoils...feeling angry, bitter and upset all in one...

Lie to me...

I hate it...

Hate it that you guys are on the long trip together, checking in this place and that...

Hate to find out that the girl is so much younger than me, runs better than me, and fucking has the same Chinese name as me...

Fucking hate it...Argh!

Goldfish eyes...

Cried myself to sleep last night...

I can't help it...dam broke...eventually...

Clearing up...

I thought my day was alright, apart from getting that irritating fat driving instructor who kept criticizing me from beginning till the end, it went pretty alright...

I decided to clear my room. I think I haven't really cleared the junks for quite a while. I found alot of cards that my friends sent to me over the years. Really cute stuffs! Some are letters from yd while he was having attachment in Thailand. I even found the books that I have my friends to leave messages on when we were Sec 4.

I threw the flowers away. Kind of a sting when I did that. But I had to. Then I realized, the cup that was made for me broke into pieces. I wanted to bring it to office to use it, now it's too late. I was really really upset when I saw it. It's like a sign. Sigh...I used glue to piece it back but I guess I can't use it for drinking anymore.

It's always like that isn't it...certain things just not up to you to control. I have a plan to use it but that just doesn't warrant that i'll get to use it in the end. This is so upsetting.

Sigh...I also found cards that you gave me...one of them was so supportive of my career...I cried re-reading it...sigh...

Sigh...

To be truthful, I think I haven't gotten over the incident on Good Friday. Call it nosy, call it intruding of privacy. I think women's instinct can be so strong that we can sense what's wrong and often or not, there will always be things that will prove our instincts right.

Thrice it happened. In three different relationships. It boils down to the question of, is it me? Am I the underlying issue here that I do not have the qualities to keep my man's heart intact? Am I not worth the effort to have that one person to stay true to me, love me and see me as the one and only?

Perhaps that is why my desire to be a mom has been so great. To compensate for the love and belonging needs that I never seem to get from my relationships. I just feel that at the end of the day, I am dispensable. Doesn't matter how much time and effort I put into it, doesn't matter how much I am willing to sacrifice, doesn't matter how low I am willing to get down to. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. I am bound to be replaced. By someone new, someone younger, someone who can be more interesting than I am.

This is so pathetic. I am pathetic. I think my whole life, I have been chasing after these needs. Wanting my parents to love me more, chasing for their recognition, chasing for the love of my partner, chasing after the dream of setting up my own family.

I am tired of trying. Why try so hard when at the end of the day, I am bound to be at the losing end? Perhaps I am ultimately not meant to go through couplehood nor go through the procreation process. I think I should start making plans for this singlehood to be of a long term basis.

Right now, I just feel so damaged. Fucking damaged.

Went for a jog. 3km. I really got to get it going despite the feeling of purging was so great...haha...

A little disappointed with the length of distance covered but I reckon it's been awhile since I started jogging again, so gonna take sometime to pick up my stamina.

I remember I always wish that my partner will be someone who enjoys running so that he can run alongside with me and we can spur each other on. Tough call I guess. Will have to run this journey on my own. Sigh...

Back to masking my feelings and to pull through the days....

I'll be alright I guess...

Things to look forward to:
- yoga
- jogging training
- driving

Need to start training...get my mojo back for running else I'll die a terrible death during marathon.

But first thing first, give me some time to be depressed and wallow in my own misery...

没有人喜欢做狠角色, 我也不例外。I can't say I have no choice, cos there's always one...I just want to be on my own for the time being...

Forgotten that I did not have driving today. Luckily I checked again the last minute. Slept in quite abit today. In fact I slept pretty much the whole day today. Past week was a roller coaster ride, I'm so exhausted emotionally. It's really hard for me to see someone so young suffers.

Yoga has started and I am loving it despite the amount of aches it's giving me. Love it when I get to do it with Fen too, can't remember when was the last time we signed up for something to learn together.

Time to start marathon training. Need to get my butt moving to jog during the weekdays. Can't wait for this week to end. Long break =)

Things to be done:
- Dental appointment to be fixed
- Jogging schedule

Things in check:
- Final theory (Passed!!)
- Driving lessons (Still in progress)
- Yoga classes (Registered!!!)
- StandChart Marathon (Registered!!)
- Macbook Pro (Got it!!!)


I still need to:
- make an appointment with dentist
- start my regular jogging session
- go for body pump classes
- stop procrastinating in doing my work
- sync my iphone and ipad2 to my macbook pro (once it arrives!)
- look up for courses overseas or masters courses
- rock climbing (eh...maybe after my yoga classes)

No doubt I feel happier these days, there are still days in which I feel a tad empty. O well, I will get pass this...

I love the time spent on the Sunday that just passed. The brunch, the coffee and the chatting. It was such an awesome gathering. No doubt I was totally beat by the end of the day, I must say, I utterly love love love the company!

I was so touched when you guys mentioned that if I ever were to have a baby, my baby will definitely be surrounded by alot of godpas and godma! Of cos it's also very heartening to know that, you guys would still include me even if it meant I would be sharing cakes and coffee with you guys while breastfeeding my baby...That was hilarious...

Love you guys...tonnes and tonnes and tonnes...

May be it will be good for me to start dating again. Just random dating. Either to speed up finding my white horse prince or to get more jaded from the dating scene...ha...

Maybe I'm just not meant to get married or have babies...Sigh...

Start crafting a journey on my own...

Plans ahead - driving lessons, first marathon in Dec, Penang trip with new friend, possible Aussie trip...

That's all for now!

Fall of the star of david...

There were many times and occasions in which it fell off my wrist while I was at work. I remembered feeling my heart ache when I thought I have lost it! I was then frantically pulling the mattresses apart in the gym, even telling my kid to help me look for my bracelet. I also remembered feeling relieved when I finally found it, like how a child who found a prized item.

It was bought with love. That moment of happiness I will never forget. You've initiated and offered to get me something that you thought will suit me. Never mind the religious meaning behind it, I really loved it and was the happiest girl wearing it.

I am not a person who wears a bracelet to begin with, let alone wearing it everyday even at work when I have to handle kids. I learnt how to get around with it and got so used to it dangling on my wrist. It became part of me.

Today, I have decided to take it off on my own. The amount of sadness I am feeling right now, you will never understand. I have to relearn how to live without it.

I dun think you have loved me enough to want to be with me in a long run. If you dun see a future in us, let me go and let me move on...

Songs

First was 'Warwick Avenue' then it's 'Someone like you'

I sat there listening to these songs...

I just sat behind my house and bawled my eyes out. I kept thinking to myself, what have I not done to make it work. What have I done to cause the disintegration to something that is supposed to be beautiful in our lives.

Am I not fun enough to be with. Am I not interesting enough to sustain a relationship. Am I not good enough to be loved for who I am.

It is starting to hit me despite my best ability to shun it. Constant reminder to be strong, stay strong and keep working to make myself really tired. Tired enough to just want to go sleep and not talk, tired enough to just numb my feelings so that I will feel less.

At the end of the day, I still need to wipe the tears up on my own, look as normal as possible and go back home as though nothing has happened.

Life still goes on...I just need to suck it up and move...

Heartbroken...

What am I supposed to do to make you feel better?

Everything is in favour of you, even when I called off this relationship. I think I can support you better as a friend than a girlfriend. But that is also at the expense of my emotions. Who is going to be there for me through this process? Why is it that I have to put aside my emotions to deal with yours?

Who am I to kid when I obviously know your feelings towards me has not been as strong as before. I have been avoiding for the longest time to not face this, thinking we can resolve it. It's gone, it's gone. It's not something that can be chased after or to be fixed.

It's all about choices, and I think it's time to make a decision and move forward. I am willing to be the bad person to end this, even though I know I will be upset, lonely or even depressed. At the end of the day, we are just beating around the bush, not heading anywhere, aimless.

It has never been a straight path for me in my life to get to where I am now - studies, career, relationships. I think I am slowly coming to terms about being on my own and living the rest of my life alone. I rather do that than knowing that being in the relationship is making the both of us unhappy.

I am really really sorry, I dun have the means to make you happy anymore, not even the sight of me nor my words nor the concerns I have for you.

I have always loved and still love you. But I need to love myself too since that's the only thing I know I have complete control of.

5 years ago and 5 years now...

5 years ago, I had my first vote. I still remember vividly what happened and how I had to rush from one place to another. I was this naive, hopelessly in love girl who thought everything was going on blissfully for her...

I wonder why I didn't walk away, why I didn't protect myself or love myself enough to walk away. Why was I not proud of myself enough to know that I should have been gone and not turned back. Exactly what was holding me back.

5 years now, I had my second vote. Everything has changed. I got out of that horrid relationship and am in a new relationship.

I want to say that I have changed. I have learnt to love myself alittle more. But ironically, it is sad to say, not enough. Not enough to protect the entire me and my pride. Not enough to stop me from giving in. I still give in. I still give in enough to give up my pride sometimes. Did I read too much romance to think that by trying and giving in, things will work out eventually and everything will be good just like those fairy tales.

5 years from now, when I get the opportunity to vote again, I want to be different from where I am and how I am feeling right now. I want to be able to love myself. Love myself enough to know that although it will be painful, I owe it to myself to reject so that I will no longer be short changed.

One step at a time, I will reach there. I have to.

Yeah! Happy! Finally after so long!

So happy! Still pretty hyped up about today!

Peifen specially gotten the car so that she could drive me around for brunch and Biennale as well. Thank you so much for the effort and time! Thank you so much for loving me!

I mean how sweet can one be...she knows that I have not been to riders cafe nor Prive before and hence suggested us going to one of these places to kinda pre-celebrate my birthday! =)

O and I'm gonna go watch Kylie's concert with Gage and the boys! So exciting! I think I'm slowly picking myself and my life up! Feel so blessed to have so many friends who love me and willing to spend time with me!

Okie...anyway I need to put up my wish list for this year:
1. Nice tote bag
2. SK ll 'miracle water' (to help my face achieve that kinda glow-from-within look)
3. Cosmetics (anything from lipsticks, blusher, mascara etc.)

I cannot think of anything else...

I shall remind myself to not expect too much so that I will not get disappointed!

I have the choice and I always do...just need to keep reminding myself that!

Birthday is coming...

I wish for...

Health

Love

Friendship

Strength

not feeling too well atm...to be continued...

It's back...

I have been trying to fight it but it's back...and it's eating me up once again...It's making everything looks ugly again...

I have turned into this person who cannot let go nor look beyond what is presented...I want to let go of it and move on but I can't...I tried to move ahead, something will drag me back and I will go back to harp on it...again and again and again...and it just spirals downwards into the bottomless hole...

I am back to this insecure creature who is so unsure of herself and so lack of confidence...

Where did my self esteem go? Where did my dignity go? I feel so out of control now and it's killing me inside...

Keep things in check...

Running: 26 and 27 April...

Biennale 2011: went on Sunday with Peifen...

Dental appointment: have yet to fix, perhaps this coming Monday!

Advance theory booking: to get it done in a week's time

Keep things in check...

To apply for advance theory and secure the date - in process

To go for dental checkup - probably next Monday.

Run/jog 3x a week - started 11 April (Monday)...

Visiting Biennale - next Sunday

Cannot sleep, throat is hurting badly. Sigh.

I think I should join more activities to keep myself healthy and alert and happy. Maybe from there I will get to know more people, new people...new meaning to life perhaps...

Love spending my Sunday doing more meaningful stuffs. Meeting friends, spending more time with them, knowing that they are doing alright and coping well, makes it all worthwhile despite me being tired.

I would love to spend more time with you but I reckon, you seem to need sleep/rest more than the need to spend time with me. To keep myself happy, I pull myself out, and get myself busy.

Hate to do this but I have to constantly remind myself to be strong for myself cos no one else will and it is not any one's responsibility to do so. Even if there is this person who promises that he will be my pillar, it is only temporary. Everything will go back to square one eventually. Nothing last...I should have known...

Things to get settled...

Post the cheque - checked

Haircut and colour - checked

To apply for advance theory and secure the date - in process

To go for dental checkup - in process

Run/jog 3x a week - psyching in process

Visiting Biennale - next Sunday

Bug gage about his job status - always in process...

I will always pick myself up no matter what happens...it's no big deal...really...

But why did I tear after I typed this msg. I was so good, so so good in controlling my emotions. Yet, when I was done typing these words, tears just welled up...

Pulling myself out is the hardest decision to make but I have to, I need this self preservation act in order to survive.

I am tired of pushing for us to talk, pushing for this, pushing for that. I am tired of throwing something or complain about something at you in order to get some response, attention or feedback. I would like to think that I have given you ample time and opportunities...now I am just so tired.

I dun want to talk anymore. Now I just want to run, and I have to let you know I am very good at it.

I miss us...

Seeing you, reminded me of what I've lost...

Seeing what you have beside you, reminded me of how unfair the world is that you've got everything but I have to give up on mine just so I can survive...

This ripple effect is not doing me good and it keeps reminding me of the past...

Sometimes, I need to know that I am of certain importance to you, not just soccer-important or work-important but important-cos-I-mean-something-kind of important...

Sometimes, I need to know that I will be included in your plans, like how I include you in mine, just so that the uncertainties will not have a chance to delude me and having me engulfed by the paranoid-cum-insecurity monster...

I used to think it will be different this time round. Things used to look so promising, you definitely looked more promising...

The reason I cried so hard the other night was not because of your uncertainty about me but because I realized we have both reached the stage where we start to be unsure of each other and that the reality of having to part might just be one of the options.

This really upsets me alot...I really thought this is IT...that I am done searching...

If this is not working...I seriously have no idea what to do next...

Maybe it is just not meant to be...

I had the chance but I gave it up...it slipped and it felt like that may just be the only time...sigh...

Looking at where I am now, perhaps it's a sign that I should focus my life on something else...studies or traveling...

I should just give up...

Running on empty...

I think as I get older, my energy level really dip significantly. I can no longer stay up late, wake up early the next morning and be all bubbly the whole darn day; I whined so much more, mainly about being tired and lack of energy.

I tried to jog on alternate days on the first week of the year, I ended up more exhausted than ever. I tried to be more positive and expected less of everything but I turned out getting even more disappointed.

Did I lose the ability to be independent along the way? Did I lose the ability to think and be self sufficient emotionally? Did I lose the ability to be simple and contended?

I was never that strong to begin with. All the failing and getting back on my feet made me who I am now but it also exhausted me to a certain extend. I just wish I have that someone who can be stronger and allow me to lean upon from time to time.

It is so hard to find happiness, so hard to sustain it. Is it selfish of me to ask to be treated better? Is it wrong of me to ask for more? Sometimes I even ask myself, do I deserve it?

I dun think I have broken down into uncontrollable sobs since two years ago. I have never done that in front of anyone. Tearing perhaps but never uncontrollable sobs because I am too proud to do that in front of others. Plus I often looked like a wreck after that. Seriously, I dun know what came over me last Sunday that I allowed that to happen, on your lap, in your presence. Is it the sense of helplessness or the sense of loss? That I can never get what I have always wanted. Maybe that's what you have been feeling and I should be more understanding...of all people, I should be...

Maybe we need to start building ourselves up again before deciding what to do next. Maybe taking a step back and focus on what we should be concentrating on individually will be a better idea. Minimal hurt, minimal dilemma, minimal disappointment, minimal uncontrollable sobs...

Yippee...

Okie, I can't sleep...So might as well write something...

Kid of mine scored really well in his O Level...like 8 points! Dude...I was over the moon though he was not too please with his results...still...I am really really happy for him...

One happy thing happened...not to me but at least it's something to cheer upon...I'm glad...

At least something good is happening =)

2011

First jog of the year, it felt good, it cleared my mind alittle...

But...why do I still feel like crap deep down...

New Year Resolution...

Start building myself up again...

Start exercising...get rid of that flabby tummy...

Get the stupid freaking license already!!!

~Sigh~

I dun think I am that good at mothering and giving in to an adult constantly...

I want to be able to lean on that someone who can be my pillar, who can be strong enough to tell me what I should be doing and not the other way round...

I want to be pampered and babied...

Now I feel like I am this mean person...who is supposed to provide reality checks and turns out to be this unsupportive bitch...

Maybe stepping back to be just a friend is easier to deal with this than being more than how it is...

~lost~

seriously...where should I stand? I was hoping the jog will give me some inspiration...but i guess not...