Nails in the fence [Unknown Author]

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there." The little boy then understood how powerful his words were. He looked up at his father and said "I hope you can forgive me father for the holes I put in you." "Of course I can," said the father. ~~ My husband was the first person who told me about this story and I totally agreed with the meaning behind this.  I have always disliked confrontations. I have always believed that in the fit of anger, despite whatever words that you actually do not mean it, those words said could have done so much harm and caused so many scars. What does one do, when the place you once thought was really great to stay put upon has changed and now you are left with nothingness?  Uncertainty is the only constant...I guess I should have known better...

As the wedding day draws closer, I think our stress level gets heightened pretty much. More squabbles (the funny kind), more arguments (the not so funny kind), more pettiness (from me). I realized I tend to do that to people whom I am close to - being snappy and quick to act up; being all the sudden sensitive and over analyze on comments that others put across. I do this to my parents and now I am doing it to my husband-to-be. Familiarity breeds contempt perhaps but I know this is something that I need to put a stop to and I sometime struggle with it. At times, I just want my voice to be heard instead of being pushed aside when decision making come in place. Hence, I get snappy when my points are not taken into consideration or are overlooked. Other times, I am just being silly and acting out like a little girl.

I know, I am being spoilt rotten by this man who loves me so much and constantly trying to give in to me albeit managing his own ego and demands at the same time. And I love him for that - for the big heart that look beyond my pettiness as well as my quirks and for the willingness to give in to me and to make me smile. 

I dun think I make you as happy as you have made me but I am trying and am willing to better myself so that we can both be happy enough to want to spend the rest of our lives together =)

Love you pupz.

It's funny how people who said they are close to you would do the most inappropriate thing when you least expected it...

I'm not being unappreciative or snobbish here. I totally get it that you meant well. I can also understand how we would sometime find the easiest way out, thinking that it should be the closest and most helpful thing to do for the person we care for. BUT the actions could have been carried out differently. The lack of it didn't leave me with very good after taste and I am still bothered by it.....

Our pre wedding shoot

I never ever want to forget this day. There were so much laughter and kisses (although you said no kissing pictures for pre wedding photos). And you made me laugh even more when you said we've hit the quota for the number of kisses we had in the day.

I cannot imagine doing this with anyone else. We had so much fun despite the torso twisting poses and squeezing of various facial expressions upon requests. Love the moments that you made funny faces at me, trying to make me burst out laughing during the shoot. Love taking funny pictures with you too!

Thank you for being so sporting and being more excited than I was before and during the shoot. Thank you for taking my nonsense all these while. You've spoilt me rotten, I know...

Love you pupz....

Am feeling lost amidst the happiness that is surrounding me. This doesn't quite make sense to me and I'm still trying to grasp exactly what's making me feel this way.

Perhaps it's the new phase in life that I'm about to enter, perhaps it's the preparation that is going on...I'm not complaining nor am I unhappy. On the contrary, I am happy....

I get it now, that I should and need to 'be in the moment' when I am doing something. And only by doing so, I can pay my fullest attention on the activity I am involved and make the best out of it. 

I didn't quite get the meaning behind this when a good friend of mine explained to me.  I mean, I have always been attentive to the tasks I'm doing or given but I didn't realise that sometimes, apart from attending to the tasks on hand, my mind was drifting between multiple other stuffs that were on my mental list - the deadline to finish the report, the chore I needed to do later, another item that I needed to clear by end of the day etc. Unknowingly I got distracted by many other things that were on my mind, so much so that I did not put in my full attention on the one thing that I was supposed to do in the first place.

I only got to realize how true this was when I went for wakeboarding over the weekends. I was sleepy, my mind was somewhere else thinking about some stuffs that happened earlier during the week. And because of all these factors, although I'm physically in the water, trying to get myself up and to keep my equilibrium, I just kept falling despite already mastering the skill of balancing and standing up on the board.  On my third fall, while floating in the water, waiting for the boat to do a roundabout to pass me the rope, I realized my mind was not on wakeboarding at all. I was thinking about everything but the activity itself. 

Decided to do a mental switch and kept telling myself to focus solely on the the activity and nothing else. What surprised me was the immediate effect that came along with this simple act of consciousness. I stood up, I balanced and I had hell of a good time trying out slightly more challenging stunts. It was so much more enjoyable than any other times when I did wakeboarding.

It is great to finally understand what it means and feels like to be in that state of consciousness. It is also great to realize I actually have the ability to push other thoughts away and just focus on the activity that I'm involved in. It's not easy though, having to consciously push other thoughts out of my mind, to pay attention on that single task and nothing else. I hope I can do this better eventually and get to enjoy what I do even more. 

On a side note, I probably need to manage my emotions better. Am getting emotionally affected by every little thing. It's draining when I'm so reactive to things/words/responses that were thrown towards my direction. The rebound effect from me has not been good at all and it always lands on the person closest to me. My constant reminder to self has been - to be fair to the other party and not vent it on others. I try to be as positive as best as I can. Sigh...I try...I really try... Afterall, no one wants to be with another who emits negativity all the freaking time...

Sometimes I dun know how to respond any more when so many things are bomdbarding me constantly. Sometimes I just wanna shut down so that I would be less explosive/ reactive. Sometimes I feel like I need to hide somewhere and be on my own for awhile so that I can deal with the world in a better way...