The thought just came from nowhere.

Thought about how we started. It was sweet. We used to spend so much time together. I dun even remember ever being awkward when I was with you. Everything was just so comfortable and natural.

I remembered you used to kneel by my bedside and talked to me for hours before kissing me on the forehead, said goodnight and went to sleep on the mattress on the floor. I used to think, aint your knees painful, having knelt for so long. But you never once complained and we just talked and talked and talked...

It was sweet, really sweet. And I miss that and I miss you...sigh...

Cant sleep...brrr....

I saw a couple with their baby girl today while on my way to work. I think I saw them before, during our Bintan trip. Very cute little girl with quite big size but very funny parents.

Then I thought about the trip itself, how fun it was albeit it being a brief one. I thought of the buggy ride too. And I smiled. Cos it was the most hilarious ride ever, with me driving us into the bushes, uprooted some of the bushes, almost crashing into the big drain. I remembered I couldn't stop laughing despite the accident. I just couldn't stop. You were really shocked at first, almost wanting to scream at me for my reckless driving. But you ended up laughing with me. And we had to stop somewhere for me to get down cos I was laughing so darn hard. You didn't dare to let me drive the buggy anymore after that.

And because I crashed the buggy into the shrubs, little leaves and flowers dropped everywhere onto our seats. Bits of your pants were stained by the flowers, purple colour. And I started laughing again.

It was fun. It was good memory too. I still smile when I thought about it...

Back off...

The last thing I need to hear, is from others who act upon your telling that I need to be taken care of and be given support. I think you have once again, stepped over the boundary.

I seek for support from others on my own accord, I seek for support from people who are close to me. There are reasons why I only told certain people about certain things.

Dun come mother me as though I am all vulnerable, just because you happened to read my blog. I dun need that. I seriously just want a peace of mind. So please...back off...

Appreciate your concerns but I think things should just remain as it is...I have said it once, I am gonna say it again, I do not want to complicate anything, so let's just be colleagues and possibly friends, if you can understand the boundaries.

Seriously not feeling well. Head feels like a tonne of weight. Despite sleep and rest, I still feel like shit! Sigh, hope the medication works.

Actually not too long ago, I met up with banker over an impromptu lunch. For my close pals, I think they will be getting ready to hit me hard on the head, questioning: how is it that you can still meet up with the jerk who hurt and torn you into million pieces...why on earth do you do that?!

I would want to think that deep down everyone's heart, there is always some goodness in him/her, despite whatever nasty things they have done in the past. I believe banker is one as well. I think part of him does feel guilty towards me, hence the occasional cordial msges and calls.

I know he has been calling me, it happened since beginning of the year. Each time, the calls were just missed calls. I didn't call back as I know, if it's important, he would contact me again. Anyway, a few Fridays ago, I was on my way back from the school to office. I was just checking my phone and his number appeared yet again.

Answered his call and we fixed the lunch right there and then. He picked me up at Bishan and we went to have chicken rice for lunch. Simple as that.

Nothing changed. He was still the same old banker, foul mouth at times, trying to be funny and no doubt cordial. No funny stunts, nothing. I did accidentally scratch his Volkawagen car while opening the door as it was too near the pillar (so much win, I tell ya! Though the scratch was barely visible). Anyway, he grumbled, I told him to shut up, stop being a whiner and let's head for lunch.

It's funny, how life turned out. Seeing him after so many years, just makes me see with such clarity - that he's everything that I do not want in my boyfriend or husband. I have absolutely no clue how I could stick with him for such a long time. Perhaps that's why friends around me were all so frustrated with me back then.

He called me again on that Sunday, and then again on Monday. Both were missed calls. Last weekend, I decided to send him a msg:

Hey, I know you've been trying to call me a few times. The impromptu lunch we had the other day was great. Kinda give me a proper closure somehow. I dun think I can bring myself to remain in contact with you anymore. Seeing you just reminded me of that past event that I had. I dun loathe you but there's never a day I dun think about it over the past years and seeing you just make it worse. I hope you understand. Wish you well. Take care.

And that's that. It took me this long to initiate this without any feeling - no guilt, no sadness, nothing. And it took me this long to finally close this chapter for good.

It's a good feeling somehow and I'm very glad that I made it this far =)

The cold hard bitch...

Sigh, I feel exactly like one right now.

When I said about the no contact break for a month, did you think I dun mean it at all? Or are you trying to make me feel guilty - that I'm the cruel one who is playing mind games with you by not answering or replying your messages and calls?

I am not playing mind games or having any tricks up my sleeves. I am genuinely tired. I really just want to be on my own for this period of time to think things through. Who in the right mind will initiate such thing if she/he is happy in a relationship, knowing that it will work out well? At the moment, I just dun see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Running a fever right now, sigh...perhaps I have over worked my body...hopefully I will be fine by Tuesday...

I have more to tell but my head is bursting...shall stop and give it some rest...

Mom's logic 101 made me blew my top!

I'm tired, I'm not feeling well. You saw my shoes in the house, keys on the table, my room locked, and you did guess correctly that I'm home. Then why the fuck would you still stand in front of my door, tried my door handle and then asked if I'm home?! I have never gone out without keys. I dun lock my doors unless i'm IN the room or that the kiddos are around and I dun want then to mess up my room. And you know that!

So tell me...am I wrong to scream at you for your actions?! You freaking woke me up when all I wanted to do was to sleep. I ended up not able to sleep till NOW! Urgh...I dun understand why you still carry on with your actions when you already know the obvious answer!

On a side note, thank you yk and yd for cheering me up. The conversation we had was so hilarious. Totally made my day! At least I dun feel so much pain after getting hit by my kid at my brown bone. I pretty much heard a loud sound when he hit my head, I dun know did it come from my specs or may be my skull cracked hence the sound. Exaggerating, yes. But I did hear a sound. I could even feel that portion turning red and feeling hot. My kid just looked at me, slightly distressed but carried on with his climbing without a big deal. OMG, their heads are really made of steel...

One another side note, seriously, I dun know what will come out of this one month. I just know I want to be alone and I'm dealing alright with it. I realised, I dun know how to love another person anymore, it's just too much effort and too tiring. I think I have reached my quota, need to clear my system somehow. De cluttering in progress....

Sometimes I wonder, had I not put enough effort in the relationship. I would want to believe I had. I think when it got started, I put in alot of effort. So much so that I over indulged the other party. So much so that I was taken for granted over so many things, over so many occasions.

Along the way, I learnt. I learnt not to give in so much. I learnt to take back what I have given in. I learnt to not take so much things to heart. I learnt to take the backseat and just watch it go along. Eventually it just went the path of a downward spiral. From the initial disappointment to getting unmotivated. It was actually quite a long way. For me at least.

I think at this point of time, there is nothing you can do. Even if you continue to put in effort ie. texting me despite me not returning any of the text. I dun think anything can change what is happening now. This continual of effort should have been put in a year ago. Not now, when everything has crumbled. For me to reach the stage of not having the urge to reply your msges, not feeling upset when I see your msges, it means alot.

I really have to count my blessing, that despite going through such failure in relationship, I have wonderful friends, colleagues, a career and great work evironment to back me up and support me. I think perhaps that's why I am in this line, it's a sign and I'm glad. I think to a huge extend, the kids I see are actually treating me instead of me treating them. They cheered me up tonnes over and over again and they never fail to make me laugh (though sometime they make my blood boil at times too).

No motivation. I need to start on my reports and finish them. I need to start feeling things again.

Am neither happy nor sad. It's the worst ever to feel like an empty shell.

I think I kinda picked myself up somewhere somehow. Now I need to do things to make myself even happier. Need to love myself even more. I do deserve better. If you cannot keep up then what can I say? I am really sorry. We all need to better ourselves in some way I guess.

It's not about not giving chances, sometimes things change, people change too. I dun want to compromise anymore. It shouldn't have needed to come to this point where I dun even feel sad to initiate being apart.

I probably will never get my love and belonging needs fulfilled in an intimate relationship but I am glad I still have friends to fall back on.

Sigh, what can I say except I guess...sometimes love just ain't enough....

Mood just went swooping down the hill...

I feel like disappearing for awhile and not do anything at all...

I think this is a sign of my yearly pre-birthday blues...it's starting really early this year....like a month early...omg...

I'm sorry but I didn't enjoy myself. It was supposed to be a date night but I guess everything started on the wrong note.

It rained, my shoes got soaked and they were wet through the entire night. I thought you would have come and fetched me from work but you didn't due to some glitches.

You said you were excited about the date night. I was too. I thought 'Hey, maybe you didn't come fetch me cos...you wanna surprise me with something' I thought of flowers. But nothing. Sigh.

I didn't mind catching something that I have already watched. I didn't even mind that we had seats that were higher up. I still enjoyed it. Until I saw you yawned. You started telling me, you couldn't see much except for the performers going around like stick figures. 'I guess what you pay is what you get?' 'But I'm a visual person!' 'Then next time get the $161 priced tickets!'

I dun know why but I just gotten really turned off and pretty snappy after that. It just made me think that, perhaps we are not suitable afterall. Dun get me wrong, I know you are putting the effort to make this work but there have been so many signs to say otherwise. I love plays, you dun seem to favour it. I would spend more money on things that I deem worth it but you would choose to spend less instead and then grumble after that.

Not sure is it my age or that I am indeed becoming more self centered and demanding. I thought that this date night could have been better. All I felt was, you having to appease me which wouldn't have been needed if you were to put in more effort in the first place. I think if you really want it bad enough, you would try harder? Perhaps you're too comfortable with how everything has been...

Ain't all these signs that say, it's time to stop and let's just be friends? Wouldn't it be good to just be apart and salvage what's left of it for friendship?