Fall of the star of david...

There were many times and occasions in which it fell off my wrist while I was at work. I remembered feeling my heart ache when I thought I have lost it! I was then frantically pulling the mattresses apart in the gym, even telling my kid to help me look for my bracelet. I also remembered feeling relieved when I finally found it, like how a child who found a prized item.

It was bought with love. That moment of happiness I will never forget. You've initiated and offered to get me something that you thought will suit me. Never mind the religious meaning behind it, I really loved it and was the happiest girl wearing it.

I am not a person who wears a bracelet to begin with, let alone wearing it everyday even at work when I have to handle kids. I learnt how to get around with it and got so used to it dangling on my wrist. It became part of me.

Today, I have decided to take it off on my own. The amount of sadness I am feeling right now, you will never understand. I have to relearn how to live without it.

I dun think you have loved me enough to want to be with me in a long run. If you dun see a future in us, let me go and let me move on...

Songs

First was 'Warwick Avenue' then it's 'Someone like you'

I sat there listening to these songs...

I just sat behind my house and bawled my eyes out. I kept thinking to myself, what have I not done to make it work. What have I done to cause the disintegration to something that is supposed to be beautiful in our lives.

Am I not fun enough to be with. Am I not interesting enough to sustain a relationship. Am I not good enough to be loved for who I am.

It is starting to hit me despite my best ability to shun it. Constant reminder to be strong, stay strong and keep working to make myself really tired. Tired enough to just want to go sleep and not talk, tired enough to just numb my feelings so that I will feel less.

At the end of the day, I still need to wipe the tears up on my own, look as normal as possible and go back home as though nothing has happened.

Life still goes on...I just need to suck it up and move...

Heartbroken...

What am I supposed to do to make you feel better?

Everything is in favour of you, even when I called off this relationship. I think I can support you better as a friend than a girlfriend. But that is also at the expense of my emotions. Who is going to be there for me through this process? Why is it that I have to put aside my emotions to deal with yours?

Who am I to kid when I obviously know your feelings towards me has not been as strong as before. I have been avoiding for the longest time to not face this, thinking we can resolve it. It's gone, it's gone. It's not something that can be chased after or to be fixed.

It's all about choices, and I think it's time to make a decision and move forward. I am willing to be the bad person to end this, even though I know I will be upset, lonely or even depressed. At the end of the day, we are just beating around the bush, not heading anywhere, aimless.

It has never been a straight path for me in my life to get to where I am now - studies, career, relationships. I think I am slowly coming to terms about being on my own and living the rest of my life alone. I rather do that than knowing that being in the relationship is making the both of us unhappy.

I am really really sorry, I dun have the means to make you happy anymore, not even the sight of me nor my words nor the concerns I have for you.

I have always loved and still love you. But I need to love myself too since that's the only thing I know I have complete control of.