I was the joke of the night. I've been in such situation so many times in my life. Usually I'll just laugh along and it wouldn't bother me. But not last night. I got pissed and I got very very upset.

Maybe it's accumulative. I didn't feel it was funny to be scrutinized upon. I thought they would be happy for me. Not about the car but genuinely happy for me. Why do I not get that feeling from them. I felt as though I have to constantly explain myself because they dun see things from my perspectives and hence think that I'm silly. To the extend that they think it's okie to laugh right in my face.

Maybe I've always been a joke, that's why.

How can I help? How can I pull you out from misery? All I can do is listen to you and watch you drown in the sorrows that you've thrown upon yourself since a very young age. 

I never knew your maturity started so early, so much so that you're feeling drained and purposeless with your life at this point of time. Your hands are tied and there are too much on your plate for you to handle all by yourself. I tried to help. I still try to help when you allow me to. But would you allow me to tell you that you have an issue and you may need to seek help soon before you feel worse and that ranting to me may not  ease your pain as much anymore.

I had what you are having, perhaps 10 years ago and then again 5 years back. You probably think I have always had it easy since I'm the younger one - what would I have to struggle with? what would I have to worry about? There is absolutely not as much responsibility as compared to you. Do you know, it's not fun living under a shadow, your shadow. For the longest time, I needed guidance, I needed to break free and prove myself that I can do as good as you. But I was never good enough. I needed directions yet I have always ended up aimless and lost. You said you wished you've had been there for me more often in the past. I wished for that too. Perhaps then I wouldn't need to go through so much pain and to be so aimless for those years. To be frank, I don't how I could manage not turning out bad or dead despite the limited support from you. I did it anyway.

Seeing you going through what I have went through makes me feel helpless and sad. Despite trying my best to be there for you, I am not sure if you are willing to let me in and to help you. I hope one day, you will realize that, what you are going through aren't as bad as you think. There will always be a solution, a way out. It's just how desperate you are in wanting to survive and to make yourself happy. You dun have to constantly be so hard on yourself and to please everyone around you. At the end of the day, it's you that you have to be at peace with. No one else matters as much as how you see yourself at the end of the day. Be daring to seek for that you within. Be happy. Be you.

Couldn't sleep. Too much pain and I couldn't find any position to resume through the night. The thing is, I thought I did fall asleep. Or at least I tried. I couldn't quite move in the morning when it's time for me to get up for work.

I woke up eventually but before I even opened my mouth, pupz asked if I was feeling alright and if I needed to see a doc. Simple words but it meant so much to me. I didn't expect him to notice.

Am very grateful to have him taking care of me and checking on me constantly. Happy to have him by my side - bickering with me; laughing with me; urging me on to look at things from a different angle. 

Like it that I can be me in front of him =)