mentally wasnt feeling that well...may be due to the lack of sleep...cos thurs nite was rushing report like mad....only slept for 3 hours and i'm off to schl...
lack of sleep...makes me cranky...
realise i've depend too much on ppl around me esp my parents...been depending on them to gimme allowance...depending on my dad to drive me to schl...depending on them to understand that i need to get away from singapore for my hols before i go crazy...
shouldnt have given up tuition back then...how naive i am to think that my dad will give me allowance without complaining about it...no doubt i may spend a little too much...but have been cutting down on expenses...
it just sickens me that at age 22 i have to justify to them what i spend on..explain why i need the money...i hate to beg...but i hve to cos i'm totally dependent on them financially...it makes me feel so useless and incapable...
have been so eadgy since last nite...simple comments by my dad made me cry...although perhaps he didnt mean it...wat he said really put me into thinking...i'm expecting too much from them...parents at their age should be pampering themselves and enjoying their lives instead of providing for me...
i've always linked dependency to weakness....and ironically... i often fall into this comfort zone subconciously...until one day like yesterday when things happened and it hit me in the head telling me i should wake up and stop being a baby...
who can i depend on? myself...
others will always have the choice to reject u when they wan to...so if u're at the level where dependency is fully established...u'll juz crash and burn when they choose not to help u anymore...or that u realise u need to beg in order to get wat u wan...how pathetic....
hate being the weak me...i hate to cry...i've cried too much during that 2 years...and i told myself dun fucking cry anymore.....
or perhaps i've been conditioned since young that crying equals to being weak...yet i yearn to cry sometimes to let out my emotions...this kinda struggle always put me into situation where i wanna cry but no tears come out...or eventually if i do cry...i cant stop...
sigh...freaking tired...cant type anymore...juz freaking tired...
3 comments:
there's a time for everything.. be patient :)
but for the time being.. be independent on other things.. like washing ur own clothes.. like taking care of urself.. and many many more :)
money wise can wait. and it cant be helped..
prepare urself.. so that when the day for u to be independent comes.. u already know to cook and mop and wash and organise :)
(not that u dont know it now.. but u get wat i mean)
Be strong.
one and a half more year.
As for the getting away from singapore part, try putting urself in their shoes.
If faced with the same situation would your decision be any different?
Be objective, they are just looking out for you in the only way they know how.
Cheer up.
juz a moment of frustration...am learning how to deal with it...sigh...juz need to learn to get out of my comfort zone...
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