Baby blues...

I think I just found a new activity to do on Mondays that I'm off...playing with baby Emma...

Went to 2nd aunt's house today cos mom said baby Emma would be there as her mama and daddy pilot gotta fly around for the next day...

Got there at around noon time and there she was standing inside her playpen. Called her name at the gate and she smiled...such a cutie pie...

Spent the rest of the noon playing with her, cooing her to sleep...playing with her again when she woke up...being splattered with her saliva all over my face while she stuck out her tongue to blow her saliva out...

I miss having babies at home...I used to do those stuffs with auggy and ben ben...I miss spending time with them...I'm looking forward to doing that again with littly kitty...but that's only gonna happen when they come back for good next June...

I miss my baby boys...

I told you so...

Track of my tears...

I am never quite a big fan of the American Idol, neither am I a fan of this Adam Lambert guy...

but version he sang...it's nice and soothing...and that tinge of sadness...woo...




Smoky Robinson

~What if a person had cried so much that til you get up close to them and look at their face, you could see the tears and the tracks on their face~

It's done...

everything in one...

not alot but enough...

yup...enough...

They cheered me up...

They reminded me of my younger days...and they are only 3yo and 1yo...

Random....

Been having goldfish eyes for the past one week and this week started with me going to work with swollen eyes...

I literally had to try opening my eyes wide cos the upper eyelids just felt so swollen and heavy...

I'm glad little cutie pie wanted to work with me on Monday morning...he's really a smart boy who brightened up my day so so much...it's getting more fun to play and work with him nowadays...'Little elephant', thank you so much!

It's tiring...to try and stay sane...I'm perfectly fine in the day...but when I knock off...I just want to hide in my room...and often I would be bawling my eyes out cos things just keep flashing back and flooding my system...

Dreamt that I went out with him last night...when can I heal? When can I not cry anymore?

Hurt beyond words...

Yes, I've cried tonnes...I think since last Sept...then again last Xmas, and again in Jan and then now...

Yes, I dun have the right to cry tonnes in the first place...

I am not proud of what I've done...

Yes, I should have known it coming and be able to leave unconditionally...but part of me couldn't bear to let go...

Yes, I shouldn't have followed my heart, thinking or rather hoping things will be different this time round...

It's back to July 2007...

The only difference is, I dun think I need closure this time round...

You've shown me enough to know what to hope for...only to be disappointed over and over again...

You said you're glad to have shared your life with me...I wanted to reply 'me too'...but some things were just not good enough...

It was never good enough...

I'm sorry it turned out this way...

I miss...

you...

who once had such lovely smile and sunshine character,

who once so daring and opened to experience in life,

who once dared to really love and not afraid to hate those who did not deserve your love,

who once dipped into depression but emerged stronger,

who once was never as self centred as now,

who once was able to give so much more to friends around than ever,

where have you been all these while? when did I lose the sight of you and lost you completely?

how could I have allowed myself to lose you in the first place.

I think I lost you since last Sept...

I want you back...can you pls come back?

Mom asked...

'Why are your eyes swollen?'

'O, cos they've been quite itchy...'

I thought the shower would have do me good....I should have hid in my room longer...

why?

Tummy not feeling too good...

Had diarrhea last night...Now it's feeling weird again...on the right side somemore...wah lau...

Sigh, dun know what's wrong with me, I thought the break will do me good but I kept stepping the wrong foot out...it's either I overlooked or I was too blur and got things mixed up...got things worse...

Thought I'm less blur nowadays but I guess not...running around so many places makes me even more blur...is this signs of aging?

Sigh...