I think as I get older, my energy level really dip significantly. I can no longer stay up late, wake up early the next morning and be all bubbly the whole darn day; I whined so much more, mainly about being tired and lack of energy.
I tried to jog on alternate days on the first week of the year, I ended up more exhausted than ever. I tried to be more positive and expected less of everything but I turned out getting even more disappointed.
Did I lose the ability to be independent along the way? Did I lose the ability to think and be self sufficient emotionally? Did I lose the ability to be simple and contended?
I was never that strong to begin with. All the failing and getting back on my feet made me who I am now but it also exhausted me to a certain extend. I just wish I have that someone who can be stronger and allow me to lean upon from time to time.
It is so hard to find happiness, so hard to sustain it. Is it selfish of me to ask to be treated better? Is it wrong of me to ask for more? Sometimes I even ask myself, do I deserve it?
I dun think I have broken down into uncontrollable sobs since two years ago. I have never done that in front of anyone. Tearing perhaps but never uncontrollable sobs because I am too proud to do that in front of others. Plus I often looked like a wreck after that. Seriously, I dun know what came over me last Sunday that I allowed that to happen, on your lap, in your presence. Is it the sense of helplessness or the sense of loss? That I can never get what I have always wanted. Maybe that's what you have been feeling and I should be more understanding...of all people, I should be...
Maybe we need to start building ourselves up again before deciding what to do next. Maybe taking a step back and focus on what we should be concentrating on individually will be a better idea. Minimal hurt, minimal dilemma, minimal disappointment, minimal uncontrollable sobs...
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