Sigh...

To be truthful, I think I haven't gotten over the incident on Good Friday. Call it nosy, call it intruding of privacy. I think women's instinct can be so strong that we can sense what's wrong and often or not, there will always be things that will prove our instincts right.

Thrice it happened. In three different relationships. It boils down to the question of, is it me? Am I the underlying issue here that I do not have the qualities to keep my man's heart intact? Am I not worth the effort to have that one person to stay true to me, love me and see me as the one and only?

Perhaps that is why my desire to be a mom has been so great. To compensate for the love and belonging needs that I never seem to get from my relationships. I just feel that at the end of the day, I am dispensable. Doesn't matter how much time and effort I put into it, doesn't matter how much I am willing to sacrifice, doesn't matter how low I am willing to get down to. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. I am bound to be replaced. By someone new, someone younger, someone who can be more interesting than I am.

This is so pathetic. I am pathetic. I think my whole life, I have been chasing after these needs. Wanting my parents to love me more, chasing for their recognition, chasing for the love of my partner, chasing after the dream of setting up my own family.

I am tired of trying. Why try so hard when at the end of the day, I am bound to be at the losing end? Perhaps I am ultimately not meant to go through couplehood nor go through the procreation process. I think I should start making plans for this singlehood to be of a long term basis.

Right now, I just feel so damaged. Fucking damaged.