was talking to aud last nite...she asked me how was i feeling...i guess subconsciously i've already had enough of the crap that he gave...so much so that it wasnt that hard this time round...i've really really really reached my limit of tolerance...i've tried so hard but now i juz feel exhausted....

and like what she said...i'm suppressing my emotions so that i dun have to feel anything at the moment...truth is i cant afford to let it out...i still need to work and face people every single day...

i wish i'm back at AH...i can at least push myself and take my mind off by seeing patients one after another...at least that was how i coped previously and that was why i lost so much weight during that period of time...stress, attachment in hands, being dumped...

i'm sorry if my blog sound boring lately...but juz for this period of time...at least let me get these things out of my system before i can safely say the old me is back...i'll bounce back...juz not at the moment...

this time round it's for real and it's starting to sink in...no msges no calls...not even an apology...which probably mean things got better after him not contacting me?

i didnt know i have such power to jinx ppl...whatever it is...i still hope that with me making the exit, things will perhaps turn better for him...

i know i've been very silly all these while...instead of learning to grow up...i'm going backward instead...

sux...I hate the feeling that i'm getting now...why do u keep blaming me for things that i have utterly no control of...i really have enough of these nonsense...

lost my phone in the cab on tuesday wee morning....damn...all my precious baby boy's photos are gone...gotten sim card replaced but using old faulty phone at the moment....still thinking if i should get a new phone...

went to sid's house for dinner on hari raya...nice food esp the chocolate cake...though i was the only friend there...didnt feel that awkward...maybe last life i was a malay...muah haha

ck, if u're reading this...u still owe me big big for flying my kite last min...do it again and i'll bite ur head off...

bored...thought first day will be hectic...but i only got to see one patient so far...

the good thing about my new work place is that i have a room and a computer all to myself...and i can decorate my work place...haha...i've placed the turtle on my pc...have decided to name it xiao bai (sorry chin han...didnt mean to use ur name...haha)...juz feel that the name suits the turtle =p very cute!

anyway i cant wait for weekends to come...will get to see little darrell! yeah yeah...perhaps this will be our jc gathering too...since most of the jc classmates are being invited...

suddenly i feel like doing mean things...argh...feel like screaming my lungs out...why do i always torment myself...why am i so weak emotionally...why why why....i think i do it deliberately so that i can feel the pain to stay alive...argh...wat am i doing....

i miss my colleagues in AH...one of them is sweet enough to buy me the 3-D turtle puzzle that i was looking for...i've gotten it fixed and it looked juz like the real one...so cute...shall have it placed in the office tomolo...

have to fight a war tomorrow....i hate it when i'm not in control of situation...feel so insecure...i hope the consultants will be merciful and not refer so many cases to me at one shot...

no matter how hard it is...i'll juz have to survive thru and thru...if i can get thru this jmc set up i'll be happy enough...

Little apple is out! 13/10/2006 11.40pm!

gonna go KKH to visit the mommy and baby later! so exciting! one baby after another! this time round is my goddaughter! woo hoo!

coming next sat is little darrell's one month...so fast right?! haha...

my little one at home juz starting to walk...he's so darn cute and cheeky...hehe...

anyway gotta go...

really tired...i should get back to my jogging soon...but with the haze going on...forget about it man...i'll choke on the haze...the air was darn smelly...eek...

btw took up fitness challenge last fri with my colleague...timing for my 2.4km was 12.14 min...and he got ahead of me by 1 s...wah haha....good to have someone to pace u when u jog...but i was aiming for 11 min plus...guess going up the slope twice was the killer for me...i would usually scream when i ran up slope...and my colleague will juz laugh at me cos he knows i really hated slopes....but by the second round...i was too darn tired to even complain...

placing my focus on work...been feeling tired again lately...dunno is it the weather or my body's condition...been eating quite abit too...o man i need to maintain my figure leh...cousin's wedding coming soon and i've bought a really nice dress for the occasion...cant afford to look pudgy...

met up to talk...watever it is...let it be...

he screamed his lungs out...hit the wall and pushed the fan onto floor...

i've grown up with him but i've never seen him behaved this way ever...it's as though he was crazy and couldnt stop himself...cracked under the pressure...he lost it completely for the moment...

i was so darn scared...nearly burst out crying...cos there was only two of us at home...i dunno know wat to do...i can only pick up the fallen fan...passed him water to calm him down...talk sense to him though i know nothing can get into his ears...

i still cant quite shake off the look on his face when he cracked that nite...i think she should see how he looked...perhaps she'll know how much stress he was under...

i know i shouldnt cry...but i still did...