alone...

went out alone for the whole day...

caught a movie on my own at bishan....walked around alone...finally bought the socks that i needed...no more smelly feet...yeah...

head down to look for nikki after the movie...her granny juz passed away...so i thought i'll go down to look for her and give her support...reminds me of ah ma's funeral somehow...
hope that she'll get enough rest and not get too exhausted...

walked from punggol mrt station back home...it was drizzling...cooling nite...helps to clear my mind...'who the fuck you think you are, giving me attitude...' i'll not forget those words...
right from the beginning i'm juz a nobody...before the mess, in the midst of the mess and now after the mess...

this nobody has decided to fade off...afterall...i'm juz a nobody...

rainy days...

~mon~
met up with dodo and family for dinner at thomson plaza for her bday celebration...been awhile since i last went there...used to frequent there in my sec schl days cos handsome stayed near there and we used to go there for BK at times...my aunt even rem driving me to handsome's place one of the new years...that was like so many years back...the plaza has changed so much...the old BK is no longer there...

~thurs~
went for the surprise party for angie at baden in holland village. Had fun chatting, eating german food and of cos making the birthday girl hit the pinata that jessie had suggested buying. The funniest part was when the blindfolded angie hit and hit the guys on their arms instead of the pinata...too bad lo...no place to hang the pinata so they gotte sacrifice their arms...haha...

happy to see that the surprise party was a success...at one point we were still worried that angie already knew we're planning something for her...but with her taking her time to prepare herself and making her way down to meet us....we knew she had no idea what's going on and with her taking her own sweet time, she's unknowingly starving us all...haha...Glad you had a great time babe...

~fri~
was suppose to go down for friendly match...once again i flew ray they all kite...so sorry...i ended up with running nose and headache for the whole day on fri...so drained that i was abit half dead in my clinic...resting from time to time...drowning myself with warm water...

~sat~
had a good nite rest...felt much better today...wanted to go for a jog but it rained...so decided to stay home to read my book...played with auggy for awhile and then watched tv...

went handsome's place for steamboat...as usual...we prepared food and had a really full meal...
after food...we played mahjong for awhile...haha first time i game with 'ping hu' with all the 'tong zi'!!! eh i never had such luck before leh...too bad we were juz playing for fun not money...haha...

o man i realise lately i've been pretty sedentary in my activities...have to get my jogging vibe back...if not my tummy is going to be flabbier! argh...

Still dunno wat to do for tomolo...perhapsgo for a jog, stay home, read my book, play with auggy, or go watch a movie alone...

Just want to do things alone...i've had my fair share of disappointment already...not contacting for the next few days will be good...at least i know i wont get disappointed if there isnt any respond...

~communication~

i sux in self expressions.

Communicating with people regarding my own feelings and thoughts was never a smooth process. I can map out all the conversations in my head- what i am going to say, what i am going to argue, points that i really want to put across. I can rehearse those lines or pointers repeatedly in my head ever so smoothly. And i thought when it's my turn to express myself, i'll be able to do it.

But when the real situation occur, i juz fall silent. Words that i had in mind and to be put across juz seemed to be stucked in my throat and eventually get swollowed into my stomach. Unless the other party pushed me real hard, will i reveal slightly what's on my mind.

Am i scared of offending others, am i afraid of making situation worst, am i afriad of how others will see me if i am to tell them what's on my mind? I've been asking myself all these questions on and on.

I have to admit, i lack the courage to stand up for myself at times, to say 'no' to others, to face the possibility of not being accepted by others...

No more avoidance? no more self denial? no more self blame? be brave and face the reality?

i'm still trying...

sleep sleep sleep...

I think i juz fasted unknowingly since last nite 8pm till today lunch. Someone flew my kite for dinner and i was so freaking pissed off that i read my book and fell asleep by 8pm. Wasnt hungry then so didnt eat anything even when i woke up at 11pm. Sleep...good remedy to cool myself down and clear my head from unnecessary stuffs.

I broke my no-alcohol rule on sat nite. Drank at ck's house and later went to happy daze to drink with ray and the gals. It's like unleashing the alcowhore me...haha...and i have to pay the price on sun though, for my gastric came back and i'm rolling in pain...kena pissed off and no appetite...so sleep is juz wat i needed...

rather happy today cos managed to see 5 pts today. The time passed faster with me seeing and chatting with my patients. Then i wont think about other nonsensical things...haha...

gonna meet up with aunt and family for dinner later....finished reading my first neil gaiman book...looking forward to finishing the next book 'good omen' that ck lent me...at least i hit my first new year resolution - to read more and not only sleep during train rides...haha....

At home now...took time off today cos gotta attend a wedding in the evening...

kinda like the half day work, half day rest feeling...

darn darn broke now...overspent way too much during x'mas...

need to start saving up...or else when i go aussie i'll have to eat air...or let the air eat me...

such a spendthrift...argh...

how am i feeling now...

been a long time since i have such feeling - feeling down to the core...why? i juz feel stuck....i wanna get out of the zone that i'm in now...too slow...too comfortable...too mundane...in my work...

seriously...i dun think i'm suited for community setting...i wanna get back to peds again...i wanna work with autistic kids...i wanna get into their world once more...when will i be able to do that...will i be competent enough to do that in future? i juz miss the challenges of working in peds...i miss running after little kids...sigh...

what do i want now?
get out of singapore, to vietname, to aussie...

It's a boy!!!!

it's a boy!!! again!!! haha....hai yar...thought i'll have a niece...o well, so long baby is healthy that's the more important thing..

i can foresee auggy and auggy-look-alike fighting for toys, food and attention...that'll be so funny...haha...

Anyway today is OT day! Happy Occupational Therapy Day!

Quote of the day: ' Forgive someone who's hurt you in the past. Take a forgiveness test. Pray for that person and wish him all the blessng you can think of '

My colleague has this stack of quotes that she bought way before x'mas. We'll choose one card each and place it on our work desk. And so the above is my quote for the day.

My first reaction was -_-
even though i stupidly replied his sms once last year...doesnt mean the past didnt hurt...those msges that brushed me off; the scene which i saw both of them dozing off on the bus together and the last phone call...they juz came flashing across my mind with that single sms...if u are leading a happy life now, good for you...but i dun wan to know...

feeling fucking low now....

I have never felt so pek chek about my work @ JMC until today. Referral system sux, such that for certain people we cannot see them as subsidised patients unless they go thru certain procedures. Here i was, trying my best to find out and then explain the procedures to patient and i'm being taken as inflexible and trying to squeeze money out of him. In the end, he hung up on me! ARGH!!! Since when i have to be the bad person?? And i hate it when ppl hung up on MOI!

The even more frustrating thing is - THIS doc suggested to my boss to have me stationed half day permenently at the counter downstairs to tend to the home care solution centre! I'm willing to conduct public education home modification when needed BUT dun ask me to sit at the counter and direct ppl or to tell ppl that 'sorry JMC is not jurong polyclinic..."

~ROAR~
since when i become a counter girl
~ROAR~

Anyway, i juz went joggin behind my house. I really cant take it and needed the jog to vent my frustration.

Wanted to blog about my 2006. Am too tired now. Shall blog about it another day. Gotta sleep now.

squash...squashies....

training is back at nyp now...save the cost and hassel of going to yck or chilton park...somehow i still like those courts that we have...though their condition aint the greatest...

saw one of the admin officers who is a seasoned squash player...he used to help us alot, letting us know when the courts will be closed for exams and helping us get clearance to use them when we werent supposed to...it's nice seeing him again...

as always...we trained, we played games, we sweat and laughed...kinda tired to train after work but it was fun afterall...

went cartel to eat after training just like good old days...i rem i gained the most amount of weight back then cos after training we'll go cartel to have 'dinner'...

the girls were discussing about me leaving for aussie to study this year...jessie and ray were keen to pay me a visit...they even said that they'll miss me and my stupid antics whenever i get drunk...haha...

come to think of it...i'll be leaving for aussie in 6 months time...pretty fast eh....

sigh...so fast...2007 is here in juz a blink...

new year...new resolution...so what are mine? gonna think about it and let you guys know later...