i admit...i lost myself completely the moment i stepped into this relationship...lost as in not lost in the midst of lovey dovey moments but lost the 'me' in me...
did stupid things that i thought i wont do; reacted the way i thought i wont react; cried the number of times i thought i wont cry; placed myself in a position so low that i thought i'll never allow myself to be in; lied to someone whom i thought i'll always be truthful to...
he's not the best lover, he's not good looking, not sensitive, not loaded, not well tempered, not someone who will keep to his promises all the time...then why did i hang on to this relationship so darn tightly?
I like his confidence, i like the way he communicate at times when he puts in effort and is not busy playing his ps2, i like the way he explained things to me at times...i thought he can be the one to guide me through life...i thought i can tap onto his confidence level and grow with him in life...i stubbornly wanted to prove that we can make this relationship work despite the age and mentality differences...
it's juz like me wanting to study chinese in NUS and be a chinese teacher back then...i stubbornly held on to this idea and tried getting into the teaching line desperately...applied; reject; applied; reject...till i felt so depress that i could no longer function confidently as a being...i stubbornly wanted to prove that i can do it...i stubbornly held on to it and rejected all other options in life...
yes, never learn my lesson...always land myself in the 'jiao tou lan e' state then i'll start to realise i need to let things go...
it is hard to let go, it is hard to admit defeat for someone as stubborn as i am...but now i have to...for myself, for ppl who love me...
i am afterall not that bad right? i'm still whole and abled, still mentally sound, still has the ability to communicate and appreciate things in life, still has the capability of making myself pretty...haha....
sigh i juz want to be like the past- drunk, giggly, carefree, blur, silly...most imptly, love myself more than i should be...
4 comments:
stubborn or persistent? no matter wat, u have walked thru the path & evolved... so love urself as much as before & as much as i love u. gal, u're always so dear to my heart.. must be HAPPY okie! =)
You don't need someone else to complete you that's for sure. Because you are fantastic just the way you are. =)
Thank you girls...
peifen: I think you have enough of me doing the stupidest things. When it comes to me, your tolerance level is always one notch higher. Thanx for sticking by my side =)
aurora: rem the last time we drank at happy daze? you deserve the best too! rem that o!
Being stuborn and showing peserverance over things u believed in isnt ur flaw.. but a gift u shld embrace. you are who you are and frens truly love u for being who u are.. grab a drink, make urself tipsy if u have to, u are always beautiful in ur own silly ways..=)
silly n0.1
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