Time flies...last year at this time, I was in London - went to Convent Garden to get my UGGs cos my booty heels were too painful to wear, and eventually parked myself at British Museum for a good half a day.  I remembered it was pretty windy and eventually it rained when my Mister came to meet up with me after his work. We were supposed to go somewhere else to walk around but he had some calls and had to go back to office. I was thrilled to follow him anywhere. Thrilled to go to his work place even though I had to wait for him to get his work done and then to go back to his office again due to some calls when we were supposed to leave for good. Dinner was at a Chinese restaurant with his friends. And eventually we adjourned to an Irish pub after getting some dessert. We drank, we danced and we counted down at Trafalgar Square. The fireworks, the kisses and hugs...our very first count down together.

Fast forward one year, I'm in Singapore, eating mee sua and waiting for Mister to knock off (again!).  Am equally thrilled that we get to count down and welcome a brand new year together. Brand new year, brand new us! Coming year will be a whole new phase for us :) Very very excited!

I have to admit I am not one who truly knows how to appreciate music but there have been some songs that always always brings me memories of that particular person or events.

Mad about you (Hooverphonics) - Yk introduced this to me ages ago. Still my all time favourite and it always brings back memories of my first trip to Wala Wala. I remembered I would always request for this song to be sung by UnXpected. Dun think they cover this song on their gig anymore though.

Songs of Damien Rice - I was heartbroken and went on a trip to KL to mend my heart. The entire album was on repeat-mode and I just kept listening to it. I remembered the sadness that swept through me when the songs were playing. I remembered how I try to make myself feel so numb that I would feel better eventually. I did feel better, I got out of being sad some how.

Chasing pavement - It always reminds me of banker. It reminds me of how tormented I was trying to catch up with someone who was always ahead of me and playing me around on his fingertips like a puppet.

珊瑚海 － I had never heard of this song prior to W mentioning it to me. He wanted to sing this song in the karaoke during one of his visits back. Not sure what got into me but I remembered I did go to the Youtube to search for the song - to listen and learn the lyrics(!!), all in the midst of my report typing. It is difficult to get miss jayna to do such thing but at that time I just wanted to make him happy. It turned out really fun and I was really glad that he seemed happier.

Young and Beautiful - Caught 'Great Gastby' on my way to Maldives. I fell in love with this song and I could help but played it through the entire trip. Every where - while I sun tan, while I soak in the tub etc. Kinda like a sad song but it brought back amazing memories of our trip to Cocoa Island!

New phase of life awaiting...I hope I'll have more songs to add to my life events =)

Love is...when he made the effort to fetch me home from a dinner despite him feeling tired...

Love is...when I'm dealing with family members who are sinking into depression...he'll try his best to listen and at the same time...crack silly jokes just to lighten the mood and lift me up...

Love is...when I threw tantrums or gotten frustrated...he'll take a step back and give in to me...but reason and point out my mistakes when I'm much calmer...

Love is...when he smiles at me every single morning without fail when he wakes up...

Love is...when I know we mean the world to each other...

Love is...him...

Life as it is, always filled with a good balance of happiness and grieve...

Mums being mums, they are bound to be worried about their kids, no matter how old their kids are. Even when their kids have kids...

She's always gotten his back...she worried when she knew he was out and worried why he didn't get her to help in tending the kids...

I can't believe I have to literally tell her to let go cos it's not within her control...he's old enough to manage his own stuffs...he's old enough to make decision and be responsible of his decisions....even if it's not the case, he has to learn...She doesn't seem to see that...

At the end of the day...It makes me wonder if she's ever this worried about me? I think I may not have given her the chance to...So at the end of the day...

Who is gonna have my back?

It's very hard to see young ones suffering. It's even harder to know that this kid whom I saw along the corridor at times, didn't make it due to a viral infection. He wasn't my kid but was under my colleague. I've spoken to the mum before though. I remembered her being so gentle, humble and nice towards everyone. I can't in my entire life imagine the immense torment she had to go through, seeing her baby slipping away. It saddens me to see the pic of the smiling kid albeit being intubated. I hope he's at a better place. I hope his family will stay strong.

Today I saw another child who was trying so hard to achieve the motor skills that he should be able to achieve for his age but is not doing so. Saw him cry through the exercises, saw him smile when motivated with toys. I held him in my arms and I know, he's got a long way to go in the journey ahead. Sometimes I wonder how do we keep ourselves up albeit seeing kids like these. Did we get used to it or that we are stronger emotionally?

I used to think it'll be great to work in neonatal ICU, helping those premature babies strive on. But I'm not sure how strong am I to see babies intubated and placed in the incubator or see babies struggling so badly just to stay alive...

random thoughts...

It struck me just one of the nights, what exactly is my purpose in life? To live, to learn, to be happy?


Why is it that when I am in the midst of happiness, something will crop up. And the ripple effects will definitely hit me straight on. It's like someone up there is trying to tell me - I dun deserve to be happy hence face the shit, over and over again.

Mum was getting on pretty good before she was being stressed out. And now she cannot seem to be able to get out of it. A year ago, when she was hospitalized, I had to handle all the procedures. You didn't offer to drive us home when she was discharged. Now, I have to be the one to bear with the frustrations of giving her the advice that she dun wanna take and the constant complaints of her feeling unwell. I hope you offered her the care and concern you should give and have been giving. As much as I hate clearing shit, I still have to do my part as a sister but I need you to get your act together and start being my big brother too.

Someone is getting married!

My Best Friend is getting married!!! Am sooooo thrilled and happy for her! The boyfriend did a great job in surprising her and keeping it under wrap till the very last moment.

Stepping into the next phase of life babe...make sure your fiance treats you right...if not I'll not hesitate to skin him alive! ;P

I was the joke of the night. I've been in such situation so many times in my life. Usually I'll just laugh along and it wouldn't bother me. But not last night. I got pissed and I got very very upset.

Maybe it's accumulative. I didn't feel it was funny to be scrutinized upon. I thought they would be happy for me. Not about the car but genuinely happy for me. Why do I not get that feeling from them. I felt as though I have to constantly explain myself because they dun see things from my perspectives and hence think that I'm silly. To the extend that they think it's okie to laugh right in my face.

Maybe I've always been a joke, that's why.

How can I help? How can I pull you out from misery? All I can do is listen to you and watch you drown in the sorrows that you've thrown upon yourself since a very young age. 

I never knew your maturity started so early, so much so that you're feeling drained and purposeless with your life at this point of time. Your hands are tied and there are too much on your plate for you to handle all by yourself. I tried to help. I still try to help when you allow me to. But would you allow me to tell you that you have an issue and you may need to seek help soon before you feel worse and that ranting to me may not  ease your pain as much anymore.

I had what you are having, perhaps 10 years ago and then again 5 years back. You probably think I have always had it easy since I'm the younger one - what would I have to struggle with? what would I have to worry about? There is absolutely not as much responsibility as compared to you. Do you know, it's not fun living under a shadow, your shadow. For the longest time, I needed guidance, I needed to break free and prove myself that I can do as good as you. But I was never good enough. I needed directions yet I have always ended up aimless and lost. You said you wished you've had been there for me more often in the past. I wished for that too. Perhaps then I wouldn't need to go through so much pain and to be so aimless for those years. To be frank, I don't how I could manage not turning out bad or dead despite the limited support from you. I did it anyway.

Seeing you going through what I have went through makes me feel helpless and sad. Despite trying my best to be there for you, I am not sure if you are willing to let me in and to help you. I hope one day, you will realize that, what you are going through aren't as bad as you think. There will always be a solution, a way out. It's just how desperate you are in wanting to survive and to make yourself happy. You dun have to constantly be so hard on yourself and to please everyone around you. At the end of the day, it's you that you have to be at peace with. No one else matters as much as how you see yourself at the end of the day. Be daring to seek for that you within. Be happy. Be you.

Couldn't sleep. Too much pain and I couldn't find any position to resume through the night. The thing is, I thought I did fall asleep. Or at least I tried. I couldn't quite move in the morning when it's time for me to get up for work.

I woke up eventually but before I even opened my mouth, pupz asked if I was feeling alright and if I needed to see a doc. Simple words but it meant so much to me. I didn't expect him to notice.

Am very grateful to have him taking care of me and checking on me constantly. Happy to have him by my side - bickering with me; laughing with me; urging me on to look at things from a different angle. 

Like it that I can be me in front of him =)

It's been awhile since I last wrote an entry. Busy and exhausted from work most of the time. Starting to feel less enthusiastic about work, which I dun know why. I dun loathe my work, I just feel tired so easily and so constantly.

Weekdays are mostly spent on work while weekends with the families. I didn't know running to and fro both sides of the families over the weekends can be this tiring. Perhaps too many things on my plate and I have not been juggling things very well.

I didn't realize my lack of participation would be deemed as not being interested in my friends' lives. It's not that I treat them any less or that they are any less important to me. Seriously it's not that. So when I was told that I dun seem to be putting in effort in the friendship anymore, it was like a slap in my face. I'm not sure if it is the case of me taking initiative in the past, organizing this and that; making alterations for everyone and everything but myself, that I become worn out and I started to just let things flow in order to avoid frustrations and disappointment. I used to be able to handle all these - keeping up with chats, fixing dinner dates, arranging for venues and time, or even being blown off the very last minute of the arranged event. But as time past I just feel so tired and perhaps started doubting myself if anyone actually appreciate all these things done. Where did that old me go to? Right now I only seem to be able to deal with one thing at a time. And because of that, I can no longer cater to everyone's needs ever so often.

Is this because we are at different phases in life? What would happen if I get married and set up my own family. My time would be even lesser and I probably won't be able to keep in touch as frequently or intensely as we used to. What would happen then?

Sigh...

Random thoughts...

Genuinely happy with my life at the moment...

Guilty for not spending as much time with my buddies, I am trying to get back into meeting up with them more often...I miss having steamboat and even just nua~ing at yd's house post dinner...I'll be happy with that...

Mum is going for cataract surgery this month...I hope it'll go smoothly and not give her any more problem...I can't do much except to accompany her for the consultation, followed by the day surgery...Am not please that her insurance application gotten rejected despite the appeal...perhaps I should consult my agent this time round...I hope my brother will remember to drop Mama a call...or maybe I should remind him again...maybe i'm expecting too much but i sometime do hope he would take note of such thing and be more proactive...just have to bear in mind that he too has a lot on his plate...sigh...

Birthday next month! Yippee....not looking forward to adding a year to my age but am definitely looking forward to gatherings with my friends and spending time with my loved ones...

Gonna go sleep...can't wait to fetch pupz later...starting to miss him...

Funny, kitty mentioned that we talk to you everyday. I guess she remembers it as she seems to see you on screen every time she comes back to punggol, which is every Sunday.

You asked her if she misses you, and she said yes, with that very sweet, sheepish smile on her face. It was really cute to see her expression. It was funnier to see her singing in front of the screen and asking you to 'wake up!'

I like how you connect with the kiddos and how they always laughed when they talked to you and called you 'funny uncle'...

I like how you made the effort to make me feel loved despite the distance...

I like how you would ask me to turn the screen to my parents just so you could say hi to them when we facetime...

I like how you fill me in with the details of your transition and the process of job changing...

I like how you asked for my opinions and try to work things around me...

I like how you always find time to drop me calls and msges every now and then to chat with me...even when you're loaded with tonnes of work...

I like how you secretly left msges in my phone which made me tear and miss you even more when I was on my flight back to Singapore...

I like how you made it possible to come back for good just so you can be physically here with me...

Road ahead will be slightly stressful with all the transitions and adjustments to be made...There and then, things may not be as rosy as we imagine them to be BUT I do hope that we will be able to move through the obstacles together with that goofy, silly nature in us and enjoy the process of being together without the distance in between!

Sometimes I wonder, am I expecting too much on my folks...esp my mum...

Expect my mum to say 'bye' before she hung up on me...

Expect her to know how to call up the eye clinic to ask the doctor about her eye meds...

Expect her to know how to use SAM machine and galaxy note after going through with her multiple times...

I dun know why am I putting so much emphasis on her learning all these new skills esp technology stuffs...I think when I was younger...she had never quite pushed me this way...expecting me to learn this and that...everything was at my own pace...

It's as though I'm preparing her for something...and sometimes I would think - what if one day I'm not around anymore, what if I were to live abroad again and brother is too busy to handle all these with her...at least she won't be too afraid to touch some of the gadgets or do some of the things on her own...

Or am I being too paranoid here? hmm...

Goodbye 2012...Hello 2013!

Was dead beat in December 2012. Working almost 6 days a week was quite taxing on my body. Yes, need to exercise more to make sure I dun fall ill so easily. I think a huge part of Dec, I was trying to rush through all the reports and trying to ensure a smooth transition on the various schedule of my kids before I went for my vacation. Was so tired most of the time that I dun want to go out on weekends but often or not I have gatherings since it's the festive season...

I'm glad I pulled through this school holidays, torturous but I did it anyway. I'm happy to see my Primary 6 kids graduating and advancing to secondary school. Happy to know they did well and able to move on to the next stage in life. As much as them having various difficulties in learning, they made it and I'm proud that they manage to!

Anyway, 2012 has been filled with ups and downs. The only constant is that I have my friends with me to back me up and point me to the right directions.  I am extremely grateful to have them with me all these while. Another constant is my job which I have been satisfied with. 

This year ended on a better note for me. I've finally found someone whom I can roll and grow along with. It's not about trying to fit myself in or to fit him in but someone whom I've always told fen that he's like my mirror image, the male version of me. I am really really happy to have him by my side...

I hope 2013 will be a better year for everyone...