Feeling alittle jaded. Hence the need to occupy myself with different ideas n different things. Not the best thing to do but that's the only way I can learn to be on my own...

Perhaps it's time to leave, so that I can move on with my life...

You ever said to me, not to leave cos you'll still be here...but I was never part of your journey...with or without me, I'm pretty sure you'll be able to adapt to my absence eventually...

I dun think you will ever want me bad enough to really want to be with me...

Love spending time with kitty...it's just amazing how fast she grows...now she can converse with you and give you the cutest answer you could ever get from a kid! Really fun to talk to her nowadays.

She can be quite bossy sometimes, telling you with a straight face that you absolutely need to blow your soup before drinking it cos it's too hot. Telling you that she loves to eat the stem of the veg but not the leaves cos they are too squishy. Reasoning with you that she is hitting you becos there is another boy in class who hit her, and when asked if she reported that to the teacher, she said no but she was so angry that she hit the boy back and the boy hit her back on the hand again...told her she need to tell the teacher or at least defend herself...she just gave a 'mmm' answer as though she really get what I mean by the word defend.

Today, she turned to me and cheekily called me "mummy" and said "mummy, bao bao..." - telling me to carry her....when she knows I'm not her mum...it melts my heart...sigh...too bad she's not mine to keep

2012!!!

Japan was superb! It was nice albeit the chilly wind and the cold rash that I had. Love the culture and the peeps there. I never knew I would like Japan, it was not even the place that I intend to visit in these few years but I am really glad that I went for this trip!

Food was great! More in love with Jap food than ever before! Love the people there. So cultured and polite. Not to mention so helpful too! Will never forget the geeky cute guy who came up to us on his own accord just because we looked so lost in front of the big map! Although he was not fluent in English, he still tried to help us along with the information we needed. Man...If he were to tell me that he would bring us to the eating place that we were looking for, I would have gladly followed him without a doubt =p

Now that I am back home. Everything is back to normal again. I am starting to feel stuck again, which is ridiculously fast to have such 'withdrawal symptom'!

Time to plan for the next trip!

Aim for this month :
Finish up paying my loan once and for all!
Finalise my driving test date
Look up for overseas work/study information

Whoop Whoop!

Heading to Japan for Xmas and New Year!

I wanna meet handsome Japanese boys! Will be even better if I can meet any one of the members of SMAP! hahahaha...

For the coming year, please give me strength to end whatever I need to end and to start afresh. Things are starting to fade, which is good I think. I dun get angry as much, I dun mind things that happened or not happened as much. I am starting to focus on myself more, perhaps not good enough in terms of loving myself more but I am getting there.

I will try to love myself more for 2012. I have to love myself more!

Standard Chartered Marathon 2011

Yes! I did it!

I did the first marathon of my life! Leg-breaking event...totally!

Alot of things went through my mind during this gruesome 42km run. At certain points, I really wanna cry cos it was just so so so lonely to run-walk on my own without any one to pull me along or push me ahead. But I still made it.

If I can do this thing alone, I think I can do anything alone =)

Most miserable weekends ever...it wasn't even fever..it's just endless itch. So bad that I dun even have the appetite for dinner and just popped the pills and slept thru my Saturday night.

Come to think of it, I dun know how I managed to pull thru Sat with back to back schedule. It's was the most tiring day ever. I've never dreaded work more. The fight against the drowsiness of the anti-histamine was really challenging. I could literally feel when the effects of the drug happened and when it started to tapper off...

Never have I felt so down and alone, itching and watching tv alone in the dark living room, hoping for the meds to work and stop the outbreak. I guess that's how single hood feel afterall....you're sick, you take care of yourself or wallow in your misery till you recover and is well enough to find the fun you should have in life...and the cycle goes on...

Sunday was bad...I was still itching and craved for more rest. But I had to help my mom deal with the two kiddos at home. It felt like I'm working overtime. I adore my nephews and niece but it's time like this that I want someone else to be keep an eye on them just for that little while. I tried to manage them as much so that my mom could cook the meals. Not fun when I had to manage the whiny girl and the fidgety Auggy who kept squashing me, treating me as his judo buddy and making me itch even more. I felt like screaming at my brother for all these but I couldn't cos I know he was equally tied up and tired. But I couldnt help but think the arrangement could have been better on his side at least.

Sometimes I ask myself - why am I trying so hard when obviously no one is appreciating it.

Sigh...

Exhausted

Wednesday felt like a Saturday. It was packed to the brim, with 15 minutes of lunch break. I had to run for toilet breaks. I had to gobble down my breakfast in the morning and gobble down my lunch in 15. Had 3 coffees to keep myself up...Stayed up till 3 am trying to finish up my report.

Thursday was just as tiring. I have a new driving instructor now, though I'm still gonna miss the fatherly big belly instructor. So happy that this instructor is with 12 years teaching experience and able to point out my mistakes without sarcasms. Nice papa figure to talk to as well. Phew, so glad...

Ended the day with someone fetching me home despite being really tired. So so so touched. Appreciate the effort and the nice-to-see-you-though msg.

Gonna try to finish up my report and then peace out~

Sunday pls come soon....

From being very happy and enthusiastic in the morning to feeling tired and disappointed at night...this is not how I want my night to end...

Either I am borderline biopolar or that I am expecting the wrong thing from the wrong person yet again...

Love is...

Staying up at night to get the herbs cooked for your partner because she was running a fever...

Fetching your troublesome daughter to the doctor and having lunch with her...



I missed riding on daddy's bike. Sitting behind him made me realized how much he has aged. I missed spending time with him alone...

Pissed not because you nagged at me but because you're telling or rather complaining to me about something I didn't do and something I have been telling you guys to be careful about especially with the last fall you had. And now you're telling me we have a serious problem because the kiddos slipped and fell?!!

I have been telling you guys to get the non slip mats after you broke your wrist in the toilet while I was in Aussie, you refused to get it cos you felt it's unnecessary and troublesome. Now you come and tell me to do my freaking part to mop the floor after my shower?!

You know I always do my part at home - make sure the switches are off before I leave the house; mop the toilet floor after I shower so that none of you will slip...for the record I even made my ex mop the floor every single time after he showered!

I am pissed becos you guys like to wait till accident happen then do something about it and for this case - auggy and kitty slipped and fell in the toilet cos their dad forgotten to mop the floor after shower!!!

None of you wanna listened to me...what more do you want me to say?!! Urgh!!!

Cannot deny that I am a tad touched by your gestures...

The amount of effort and the level of attentiveness...

Thanx for letting me know that I'm still worth the time and energy...

Officially hate weddings....especially those that involve relatives...

It's a constant reminder of my age and my failure to sustain any of my relationships well enough to make it to the alter....

It sux...big time...

My only consolation is that I have my nephews and niece to tend to so that I dun have to be questioned by my aunts and uncles...at least not directly all the time...

It's funny how some of them dun even know my occupation but care enough to wanna know when I'm gonna get hitched...sigh....

I'll be better...I hope...eventually I will be...

I know I dun have the right to be angry with anyone except myself..cos I have been the one who made the choice for everything that has happened...

I'll be better...I promise...

I couldn't shake it off...

The jog was good...appreciate the talking and the company...

The ikea and giant shopping was good...i really had fun and laughed a lot as I goofed around...

Here I am, after two glasses of whites and still awake, asking myself why do I give in so much. Why do I have to be so nice as to plan and initiate the no-contact break in such a way that the other party will feel less of the pinch while being away having fun checking in places with the girl he had crush on...why did I even bother to partially sponsor the early bday pressie, knowing that the girl will probably be in most of the pics taken...

Why do I allow myself to be the one dealing with all these emotional turmoils...feeling angry, bitter and upset all in one...

Lie to me...

I hate it...

Hate it that you guys are on the long trip together, checking in this place and that...

Hate to find out that the girl is so much younger than me, runs better than me, and fucking has the same Chinese name as me...

Fucking hate it...Argh!

Goldfish eyes...

Cried myself to sleep last night...

I can't help it...dam broke...eventually...

Clearing up...

I thought my day was alright, apart from getting that irritating fat driving instructor who kept criticizing me from beginning till the end, it went pretty alright...

I decided to clear my room. I think I haven't really cleared the junks for quite a while. I found alot of cards that my friends sent to me over the years. Really cute stuffs! Some are letters from yd while he was having attachment in Thailand. I even found the books that I have my friends to leave messages on when we were Sec 4.

I threw the flowers away. Kind of a sting when I did that. But I had to. Then I realized, the cup that was made for me broke into pieces. I wanted to bring it to office to use it, now it's too late. I was really really upset when I saw it. It's like a sign. Sigh...I used glue to piece it back but I guess I can't use it for drinking anymore.

It's always like that isn't it...certain things just not up to you to control. I have a plan to use it but that just doesn't warrant that i'll get to use it in the end. This is so upsetting.

Sigh...I also found cards that you gave me...one of them was so supportive of my career...I cried re-reading it...sigh...

Sigh...

To be truthful, I think I haven't gotten over the incident on Good Friday. Call it nosy, call it intruding of privacy. I think women's instinct can be so strong that we can sense what's wrong and often or not, there will always be things that will prove our instincts right.

Thrice it happened. In three different relationships. It boils down to the question of, is it me? Am I the underlying issue here that I do not have the qualities to keep my man's heart intact? Am I not worth the effort to have that one person to stay true to me, love me and see me as the one and only?

Perhaps that is why my desire to be a mom has been so great. To compensate for the love and belonging needs that I never seem to get from my relationships. I just feel that at the end of the day, I am dispensable. Doesn't matter how much time and effort I put into it, doesn't matter how much I am willing to sacrifice, doesn't matter how low I am willing to get down to. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. I am bound to be replaced. By someone new, someone younger, someone who can be more interesting than I am.

This is so pathetic. I am pathetic. I think my whole life, I have been chasing after these needs. Wanting my parents to love me more, chasing for their recognition, chasing for the love of my partner, chasing after the dream of setting up my own family.

I am tired of trying. Why try so hard when at the end of the day, I am bound to be at the losing end? Perhaps I am ultimately not meant to go through couplehood nor go through the procreation process. I think I should start making plans for this singlehood to be of a long term basis.

Right now, I just feel so damaged. Fucking damaged.

Went for a jog. 3km. I really got to get it going despite the feeling of purging was so great...haha...

A little disappointed with the length of distance covered but I reckon it's been awhile since I started jogging again, so gonna take sometime to pick up my stamina.

I remember I always wish that my partner will be someone who enjoys running so that he can run alongside with me and we can spur each other on. Tough call I guess. Will have to run this journey on my own. Sigh...

Back to masking my feelings and to pull through the days....

I'll be alright I guess...

Things to look forward to:
- yoga
- jogging training
- driving

Need to start training...get my mojo back for running else I'll die a terrible death during marathon.

But first thing first, give me some time to be depressed and wallow in my own misery...

没有人喜欢做狠角色, 我也不例外。I can't say I have no choice, cos there's always one...I just want to be on my own for the time being...