felt like a matchmaker...o well sorta...feels good though...hope things go well...

don't seem to have the drive for studies...feel as though i'm passing my days without concreate plans or goals...like an empty shell walking around aimlessly...damn i hate this feeling...think my adaptability gotten sucked dry during attachment...right now i'm lacking the drive for everything i do...wat's wrong with me...

was watching 'tuesdays with morrie' last nite...me too am afraid to cry, to love, to show my own emotions...i always hold back...no matter how hard i try, i cant give it all...why why why? i dunnoe...i think somewhere along my development stage i'm stuck and it's gotten fixated till now...haha gee that sound awful...

i dunnoe...mb i havent been thru enough...but havent i had my fair share?? why is it that i still feel vulnerable...how many huge hurdles do i have to go thru before i can at least breathe without any obstruction?? some how all these years i felt suffocated...gasping for air...occasionally feeling better when i'm allowed to breathe normally... and juz when i tot things are finally changing for good....it's another round of suffocation again...when is it gonna end??

i'm really tired...how long do i have to hold on...how many times do i have to tell myself i can pull thru it...how many times do i have to tell myself i'm strong....when can i ever be free from this mental tortment?? sometimes i wonder if depression ever left me for good...i dun wanna go thru it again...i really cant...